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Original poster

Controlling or reasonable?

64 replies

dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 19:28

I have a male friend, a good one and my husband hates it. We’ll go for food after work sometimes and I get ignored or rows for days afterwards. This friend did once say he liked me which my husband knows about but this was a long time ago, probably 3 years ago now. I was flattered but said I was married and it hasn’t come up again. My husband is really uncomfortable with the situation, but my friend is a good friend and I don’t want to end the friendship. I have never cheated, and never would but I don’t know how to stop the argument cycle as it is making me feel really low. Is my husband right to expect me not to see the friend or am I being unreasonable by expecting to be able to spend time with him without facing days of being ignored or arguments?

OP posts:
Dora26 · 15/08/2023 19:30

How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

cruffinsmuffin · 15/08/2023 19:30

You're both being unreasonable in my books.

He's being horrible by ignoring you or causing huge arguments, that's a toxic way to live.

You're being unreasonable by continuing a friendship with someone who said they had feelings for you - especially if 3 years ago you were married to your husband, it's disrespectful and not right imo.

Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 19:34

@Dora26 I think I would be ok, I trust him and do think men and women can be friends. He has female friends too but maybe not as close

OP posts:
HamishTheCamel · 15/08/2023 19:38

Could you invite DH to join you when you meet up?

Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 19:38

@cruffinsmuffin Yes agree it’s toxic but yes I was already married. We stopped contact for a while but he apologised and I put it behind me. You are probably right and we are both in the wrong. I’m not sure what our next step should be

OP posts:
Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 19:39

@HamishTheCamel I have but he doesn’t want to

OP posts:
BounceyB · 15/08/2023 19:42

I can understand your husband's perspective.

How does he know that this man won't ever make another move? I would hate the thought of someone I loved going out for dinner (what I consider to be an intimate activity) with someone else by themselves, particularly knowing that one had feelings for the other.

If you really value the friendship and there's nothing going on, then invite him to your home to meet your husband.

Cinai · 15/08/2023 19:43

I think the fact that he likes/liked you makes all the difference here. I don’t have issues with my partner having female friends and vice versa, but I wouldn’t meet up with someone if there were blurred boundaries (even though not your fault) in the past.

cruffinsmuffin · 15/08/2023 19:44

@dragonfly1984

I think if you were already married it's worse in my mind, as your friend risked your friendship to tell you he had feelings for you - knowing you were married to your husband. It's disrespectful of him to make a move on a married woman, but also hints that he doesn't respect your marriage - if he did, why would he tell you that sort of thing? If a male friend told me they liked me I wouldn't be flattered, I'd be horrified tbh.

Your DH is coping with it totally the wrong way though, silence and arguments aren't good at all.

Next step depends on what you both want from it - I don't think your DH is wrong to want you to not be going off for meals with someone who has feelings for you. I don't think you're wrong for wanting to have male friends. But I think you're wrong to be continuing a friendship with someone who's made their feelings known for you in the recent past.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 19:47

I think it's really inappropriate to be spending time with another man who admitted he has romantic feelings for you. Your friend crossed a major boundary and he was very disrespectful knowing you are married. You then decided to tell your husband and still continue to see this man on what can be construed as dates. I'm not surprised your husband is upset.

Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 19:50

@BounceyB I would hope if that happened, he would trust me not to do anything and I have said a second time wouldn’t be forgiven. I would love to invite him round and us all to hang out but my husband wouldn’t allow or want it

OP posts:
KateJohns · 15/08/2023 19:51

There's a silly meme in the manosphere online.

'The guy she tells you not to worry about'

It's a recognisable meme and relatable because it happens A LOT.

I can guarantee you that if the situation were reversed and a woman who you thought was prettier than you, younger than you, wealthier than you etc was 'hanging out' with your husband, you would not like it either... Especially if she's come on to him in the past.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 15/08/2023 19:54

I suspect your DH feels betrayed and the other bloke feels hopeful.

You seem not to have considered either emotional state of either of them.

Maybe you need to have another think about it.

frolp · 15/08/2023 19:56

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine.

Going for dinner alone with someone who has expressed feelings for you. Not ok

Either meet this man with your husband or not at all.

Topseyt123 · 15/08/2023 19:58

It's very inappropriate. Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear.

This man has already made a move once so I can see your DH's point. I wouldn't be happy either.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 15/08/2023 19:58

How much time do you spend having fun with dh? Our alone time is scarce.. If dh was spending some of his free time with another woman I wouldn't be happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 19:59

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 15/08/2023 19:54

I suspect your DH feels betrayed and the other bloke feels hopeful.

You seem not to have considered either emotional state of either of them.

Maybe you need to have another think about it.

Agreed. You are being so disrespectful to your husband. Your marriage is already suffering because of it.

Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 20:03

It is only a quick meal after work, no booze, candles or anything too date-like. Sometimes a coffee during work

OP posts:
Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 20:04

@frolp I would like to meet him with my husband but he just won’t come and I have asked several times

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 20:04

dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 20:03

It is only a quick meal after work, no booze, candles or anything too date-like. Sometimes a coffee during work

Why do you think that changes anything? Perhaps you need to reevaluate your relationship if seeing this "friend" is more important than your husband's feelings and the state of your marriage.

Bandyarsia · 15/08/2023 20:05

Nah the dynamics changed when he said he liked you. You are taking the piss.

Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 20:06

@Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand We do spend a lot of time together and have great times. I don’t see friend at times when I would otherwise be with husband, usually I am just an hour or two later home. We both spend lots of time out with friends and together, although maybe not as many date nights as we would like

OP posts:
ConcernedCatmother · 15/08/2023 20:06

It’s making you feel low, how do you think it makes him feel? Be careful OP, if you aren’t meeting your husbands emotional needs, don’t be surprised if he finds it elsewhere. You’re so selfish.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 20:06

dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 20:04

@frolp I would like to meet him with my husband but he just won’t come and I have asked several times

Why would your husband want to hang out with a man who has admitted he fancies you? How fucking weird that you think this would be normal. Why did you tell your husband about this in the first place?

Olika · 15/08/2023 20:08

Personally I wouldn't do this. Neither would my husband.