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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling or reasonable?

64 replies

dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 19:28

I have a male friend, a good one and my husband hates it. We’ll go for food after work sometimes and I get ignored or rows for days afterwards. This friend did once say he liked me which my husband knows about but this was a long time ago, probably 3 years ago now. I was flattered but said I was married and it hasn’t come up again. My husband is really uncomfortable with the situation, but my friend is a good friend and I don’t want to end the friendship. I have never cheated, and never would but I don’t know how to stop the argument cycle as it is making me feel really low. Is my husband right to expect me not to see the friend or am I being unreasonable by expecting to be able to spend time with him without facing days of being ignored or arguments?

OP posts:
Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 20:10

@Aquamarine1029 trying to be honest and transparent I suppose

OP posts:
Soozikinzii · 15/08/2023 20:10

I feel I must chip in and say I don't think I'd be very chuffed if my DH went for meals etc with someone who fancied him ? I don't think that's unusual? You'd have to be a lump of wood not to feel like that .

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/08/2023 20:12

If my husband expected me to eat a meal with his female best friend who openly fancied him I’d be livid.
wtf OP- you’re so disrespectful imo!

Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 20:14

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 20:04

Why do you think that changes anything? Perhaps you need to reevaluate your relationship if seeing this "friend" is more important than your husband's feelings and the state of your marriage.

Show quote history

Just figured out how to quote a message. I think I was just trying to say it’s only casual meet ups after work, not evening dinners but I can see that’s only a minor detail

OP posts:
Shurleyknot · 15/08/2023 20:14

Your poor husband. You are being so disrespectful to him and your marriage. He has said he is not comfortable with this and you just give him the finger and carry on. Dreadful behaviour.

Deb28777 · 15/08/2023 20:14

Unfortunately your friend ruined things by telling you he had feelings and that changed everything. I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable about this to be honest although the ways he goes about showing you this is unreasonable.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 20:20

Your sense of propriety and where your loyalties lie are both very, very skewed.

bonzaitree · 15/08/2023 20:21

Your husband has a point. Discuss if he would be happy with any contact with you.

Zanatdy · 15/08/2023 20:24

Well I wouldn’t like anyone telling me who I can and can’t be friends with, but at the same time I can understand why your husband isn’t happy about the situation

ManchesterLu · 15/08/2023 20:31

I see this from both sides. I wouldn't be happy with DP going out 1 on 1 with someone who admitted to having feelings for them.

He shouldn't be ignoring you for it, but equally you should respect him more, I think.

Rockingchai · 15/08/2023 20:53

I would be much more laid back about this than other posters. Three years is a long time ago. I would think it likely that his romantic feelings have faded and disappeared by now, if unrequited. I don’t see dinner as an intimate activity. But it’s obvious it a problem if your husband had such strong feelings against you meeting. I’d personally feel suffocated by my partner feeling this way however.

BananaSmoothie1 · 15/08/2023 21:02

This friend of yours has admitted to fancying you, what If a woman who fancied the pants off your husband was going out for dinner with him after work etc? Personally I wouldn’t be going out with a man if he had said that to me and I was married.

Dery · 15/08/2023 21:12

As everyone has said, the problem is that this other man thought it was okay to tell you he had feelings for you despite you being married. It’s odd he thought it was okay to do that. It was very honest of you to tell your husband but your H probably thinks this guy probably still likes you. He won’t be comfortable about you spending time with this guy and it’s understandable.

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 15/08/2023 21:12

Whilst I think technically you’re doing nothing wrong, I think you’re probably being a bit unreasonable given the history. If I were you I’d limit my contact to coffees at work, I wouldn’t meet him after work or spend any time with him outside work.

Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 21:16

Rockingchai · 15/08/2023 20:53

I would be much more laid back about this than other posters. Three years is a long time ago. I would think it likely that his romantic feelings have faded and disappeared by now, if unrequited. I don’t see dinner as an intimate activity. But it’s obvious it a problem if your husband had such strong feelings against you meeting. I’d personally feel suffocated by my partner feeling this way however.

This is more my way of seeing it. They have either gone or at least he knows nothing is going to happen. But the other posters have made me think, and I don’t want to be disrespectful to my husband. It will be hard to end the friendship as we work together and are close, it will hurt me and friend and I also don’t want to do that. Although also don’t want to hurt my husband. I really wish that comment wasn’t made in the first place

OP posts:
ConcernedCatmother · 15/08/2023 21:27

Sorry OP, I hope your husband finds someone new. You are so self centred

baileys6904 · 15/08/2023 21:31

I'm quite laid back with this sort of this but you are absolutely taking the piss, and if this was a bloke posting about his wife, he would get ripped to shreds.

The disrespect you are showing is huge and no wonder the boy wonder thinks it's alright to tell a married woman his feelings. That's absolutely 2 fingers up to your husband and still you side with him against your husband and probably slate hubby to him as well.

Even when people point out on here the issue, you still keep defending the behaviour....

Either your not being honest to yourself about your feelings or need for attention or you really don't give a shit about yours husbands feelings 🤷‍♀️

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 21:31

Why on earth would you think your husband should know nothing is going to happen. I would bet my house that your "friend" would shag you in a heartbeat if you gave him the green light. Your husband knows this, too, because he's not stupid.

BCBird · 15/08/2023 21:32

Ur husband's behaviour is not good but I think you meeting someone who your husband knows has said he likes you is bang out of order. I would not be happy.

Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 22:00

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 21:31

Why on earth would you think your husband should know nothing is going to happen. I would bet my house that your "friend" would shag you in a heartbeat if you gave him the green light. Your husband knows this, too, because he's not stupid.

I meant friend knows nothing will happen, or that his romantic feelings have faded over time- I hope they have anyway. I would’ve thought he would’ve given up a long time ago if he was hoping for a shag

OP posts:
Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 22:05

baileys6904 · 15/08/2023 21:31

I'm quite laid back with this sort of this but you are absolutely taking the piss, and if this was a bloke posting about his wife, he would get ripped to shreds.

The disrespect you are showing is huge and no wonder the boy wonder thinks it's alright to tell a married woman his feelings. That's absolutely 2 fingers up to your husband and still you side with him against your husband and probably slate hubby to him as well.

Even when people point out on here the issue, you still keep defending the behaviour....

Either your not being honest to yourself about your feelings or need for attention or you really don't give a shit about yours husbands feelings 🤷‍♀️

I don’t mean to defend. The posters calling me disrespectful, selfish and all the rest have definitely made me think, as I admit I expected a more even split of replies because in my head I know I am not going to cheat so haven’t seen it in the way everyone else has- and of course the way my husband must be seeing it. But that was the purpose of me posting, to hear what others would make of the situation and it’s clear my thinking isn’t the norm. I will definitely re evaluate it all and make some marriage first changes

OP posts:
Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 22:10

BananaSmoothie1 · 15/08/2023 21:02

This friend of yours has admitted to fancying you, what If a woman who fancied the pants off your husband was going out for dinner with him after work etc? Personally I wouldn’t be going out with a man if he had said that to me and I was married.

I honestly think I would be ok with it. I trust him, although a previous poster did say what if she was younger, prettier, wealthier and suppose I dont really know unless it happens.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 15/08/2023 23:04

dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 20:04

@frolp I would like to meet him with my husband but he just won’t come and I have asked several times

Would you honestly want to hang out with a female friend of your husband who had confessed to having feelings for him while you were married? Like really, truly honestly?

Bunda · 15/08/2023 23:30

Don't you have other friends?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2023 23:37

Why don’t you care that you’re making your husband so miserable? You don’t sound like you like him much.

He’s dealing with it badly by ignoring you, that’s not okay. But what is a good way of dealing with it? If he gave you an ultimatum you’d be screaming controlling behaviour.

Do you want to be married?