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Original poster

Controlling or reasonable?

64 replies

dragonfly1984 · 15/08/2023 19:28

I have a male friend, a good one and my husband hates it. We’ll go for food after work sometimes and I get ignored or rows for days afterwards. This friend did once say he liked me which my husband knows about but this was a long time ago, probably 3 years ago now. I was flattered but said I was married and it hasn’t come up again. My husband is really uncomfortable with the situation, but my friend is a good friend and I don’t want to end the friendship. I have never cheated, and never would but I don’t know how to stop the argument cycle as it is making me feel really low. Is my husband right to expect me not to see the friend or am I being unreasonable by expecting to be able to spend time with him without facing days of being ignored or arguments?

OP posts:
Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 16/08/2023 06:22

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2023 23:37

Why don’t you care that you’re making your husband so miserable? You don’t sound like you like him much.

He’s dealing with it badly by ignoring you, that’s not okay. But what is a good way of dealing with it? If he gave you an ultimatum you’d be screaming controlling behaviour.

Do you want to be married?

I do care, and I definitely want to be married. We have a good marriage, although not without its problems away from this. You make a good point about how the right way for him to deal with it. I am going to make changes and start putting him and his feelings first

OP posts:
Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 16/08/2023 06:23

Bunda · 15/08/2023 23:30

Don't you have other friends?

Yes plenty

OP posts:
Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 16/08/2023 06:25

monsteramunch · 15/08/2023 23:04

Would you honestly want to hang out with a female friend of your husband who had confessed to having feelings for him while you were married? Like really, truly honestly?

Show quote history

I think I would want to meet her, if it happened. Just to see what I was dealing with I guess. Who knows after that

OP posts:
Dollydaydreeam · 16/08/2023 06:26

Just ask yourself the same question. If your husband went for a walk with a lady who once said she liked him. Would you be okay. I doubt it. It's not that he doesn't trust you, it's the man he doesn't trust. If its causing arguments I would just let this friendship go.

user1492757084 · 16/08/2023 06:42

The relationship is inappropriate.
It upsets your husband - who knows how the other guy feels.

The other man is living in lala land and you are responsible for taking his mind off finding an available lifetime partner. He is wasting his time with you. You need to hurt his feelings and let him go out and be vulnerable to other relationships.

You can have an emotional bond with another person or with alcohol, with horses etc that impares your ability to be available to share fully in an intimate and emotional way with your spouse. Your spouse feels neglected. You are married to him not a generic man who is not emotionally needy.

If the friendship were completely innocent of any romantic or emotional feelings then you would include your husband in the meals and chat.

pinkfondu · 16/08/2023 06:55

Just reminds me of this

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 16/08/2023 07:41

pinkfondu · 16/08/2023 06:55

Just reminds me of this

😂😂😂

toddlermom99 · 16/08/2023 07:45

YABU. Meet him in a group setting/with your husband, but I would not be happy with my partner meeting a woman alone if she'd disclosed romantic feelings for him.

Yahyahs22 · 16/08/2023 07:45

pinkfondu · 16/08/2023 06:55

Just reminds me of this

This IMMEDIATELY came to my mind 😂😂

I think this is super disrespectful to your husband, by the way.

Theblacksheepandme · 16/08/2023 08:08

Admit it OP, you love the attention from both your husband and this friend?

Original poster
dragonfly1984 · 16/08/2023 08:13

pinkfondu · 16/08/2023 06:55

Just reminds me of this

😂😂😂😂I hadn’t seen this but point taken

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 16/08/2023 15:05

You seem to have major Main Character Syndrome, @dragonfly1984

I say this because your attitude seems to be that both men should feel as you do, not be problematic, and following the script. You don’t see a problem, ergo there shouldn’t be one.

Yet, you’re enjoying the attention from a man who’s admitted he has romantic feelings for you, you KNOW it upsets your husband, but the only time it’s become a problem for you is when your husband gives you the silent treatment aka goes off script. He’s been telling you for YEARS that he doesn’t feel comfortable with the situation, but a bunch of internet strangers are the ones getting through to you.

The lack of respect for your husband and marriage is jaw dropping. You admit you don’t go on many dates with your husband, but manage a dinner with your friend perfectly fine. Do you not see the issue there?

I don’t think your husband is controlling, and I’m not even thinking badly of him for the silent treatment. He’s tried talking to you, repeatedly, about this. You’ve blown him off. What more is there to say to a spouse who doesn’t care about how you feel? Other than, “I’m done.”

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2023 15:08

ChubbyMorticia · 16/08/2023 15:05

You seem to have major Main Character Syndrome, @dragonfly1984

I say this because your attitude seems to be that both men should feel as you do, not be problematic, and following the script. You don’t see a problem, ergo there shouldn’t be one.

Yet, you’re enjoying the attention from a man who’s admitted he has romantic feelings for you, you KNOW it upsets your husband, but the only time it’s become a problem for you is when your husband gives you the silent treatment aka goes off script. He’s been telling you for YEARS that he doesn’t feel comfortable with the situation, but a bunch of internet strangers are the ones getting through to you.

The lack of respect for your husband and marriage is jaw dropping. You admit you don’t go on many dates with your husband, but manage a dinner with your friend perfectly fine. Do you not see the issue there?

I don’t think your husband is controlling, and I’m not even thinking badly of him for the silent treatment. He’s tried talking to you, repeatedly, about this. You’ve blown him off. What more is there to say to a spouse who doesn’t care about how you feel? Other than, “I’m done.”

Yup. All of this. Chubby's right on the mark.

pinkfondu · 16/08/2023 19:43

@dragonfly1984 glad it made you laugh, the full version is sooo funny

But seriously if this is the only controlling concern you have, you need to talk to him and sort it out. If this is just one thing then LTB

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