Can our friendship survive this?

[Mogs43]

My friend has just split with her BF. They were planning to go on a European city break so she has asked me to go instead. They had bought flights but not hotels. It is turning into a bit of a nightmare and I don’t know what to do - am worried that our friendship won’t get through it. WWYD?

Flights- are from her home town (the other side of the country). Rail strikes would make it difficult for me to get to her (not impossible but expensive and likely requiring overnight hotel accommodation/ will be time consuming and mean I have to cancel a pre-existing commitment) so , if she agreed, i would prefer to travel from where I live. However she has bought flights that are early in the morning- to arrive at the same time I would need to travel across London at 3am (alone) which I am a bit reluctant to do. Should I just do it (to be a good friend) or would it be reasonable to suggest she be alone for a couple of hours in the city? (Her ex BF is going to drive her directly to the airport so she doesn’t have the same issues). I would , of course, pay for my own flight.

Hotels- I had hoped to have our own rooms but to keep the costs down she wants to share. Fine. We exchanged details of possible options. She wants to keep costs down but also wants a rooftop pool. She didn’t seem keen on any of my proposals. I am happy to go with hers - although they are far out and will require taxis etc to get to the attractions. She subsequently texted to say that money is tight and she doesn’t know if she can afford any of the hotels (he used to pay for holidays etc and is still going to help her pay for this one but I don’t know how much). I have offered to pay for the hotel but she hasn’t said much/doesn’t sound very enthusiastic . I could just get on and book one of her hotels but l am worried that rather than it being taken as a nice friendly gesture she might take offence. I queried whether she still wanted to go and she said she does:needs the break etc... But to be honest it is all starting to feel quite stressful and, with only a few days before we are meant to go, the prices are escalating and options reducing.

I know it must be hard for her. She doesn’t talk about anything other than the split/relationship issues and I think would welcome the distraction of a holiday but clearly £ is tight (for us all). She is emotional at the moment and in the past has been very sensitive /taken offence easily. I don’t want to let her down (as she may see it) but the whole thing has red flags flashing. WWYD? I want to maintain the friendship and am worried that not going or even going might cause difficulties. Help - I want to do the right thing but am worried/unsure about what that is..

But survive what, exactly? You not going? You going and it being a dreadful, stressful trip neither of you enjoy?

No it won't.

She's a difficult PITA.

You won't want to be within a 100 miles of her after this.

Everything is about her.

You are very foolish to allow yourself be used like this.

No matter what you do, she won't be happy.

You must have boundaries issues yourself to get dragged into something like this.

Uou are being used here.

Wake up.😁

Ime doing a favour for a friend should never be this difficult or make you feel so stressed.. Just bow out. It isn't you being a rubbish friend here op.

Oh good grief. Don’t go. Definitely don’t even think of paying for the hotel for both of you. Tell her you’ve thought through all the practicalities and the different options you’ve discussed, and realised it isn’t going to work.

If she falls out with you for “letting her down” she’s the kind of person who would have fallen out with you on holiday anyway, when everything isn’t exactly as she wants it.

This makes no sense. Money is tight and all she's planned/booked so far is the flights. She should just cancel the entire trip.

It's not a holiday for you if you're having to plan everything, share a room when you don't want to, go to places you don't want to go and potentially spend too much money. Suggest the two of you do a weekend somewhere between where she lives and you live and save the money.

Thanks for replying. I think I am scared that if I go it will be very stressful - with no time alone to compose myself. But if I don’t go that I will have let her down. Neither option is good. Wondered what others would do.

We have known each other for a long time and she can be good fun but is obviously having a hard time at the moment.

Just message her and say you’ll go but can only fly from your town and that you’ll need her to choose accomodation by end of day tomorrow otherwise it will be too late for you to get a flight. Just put the ball in her court. If she doesn’t manage to organise it then you’ve got an easy out.

Tell her that much as you would have like to have gone, the logistics are too difficult.

Not your job to fill in for awkward arrangements after her relationship broke up.

Sounds like the boyfriend has dodged a bullet and you are scared of her.

Not good.

It's a tricky situation but honestly, I just wouldn't go. Either way she's probably going to be mad at you. Maybe choose the least expensive option! Going ahead anyway will just be dragging out the stressful situation, and you'll likely end up feeling very resentful for having spent so much money on something that's caused so much stress.

I know she's going through a hard time with the break-up, but that doesn't mean everything has to be her way. I feel her expectations are a bit unreasonable and unrealistic (money is tight but she must have a rooftop pool?!)

Just be honest and say you've been thinking a lot about it and you no longer feel the trip is a good idea.

I wouldn’t go, but I would have said that when first approached about it. Flights from the other side of the country requiring a huge chunk of extra travel and overnight accommodation for you is too much to ask, especially if she’s also strapped for cash. I think she was unfair to invite you, actually. Anyone thoughtful would see it’s an imposition rather than a ‘treat’. If she hasn’t booked hotels yet, she should just swallow the cost of the flight or let her ex use them, and you can both plan a more enjoyable break for another time.

This one is just not going to work.

Yikes this sounds like a nightmare. No way should you be paying for a hotel for her- if she can’t afford accommodation then surely she can’t go? And did she really pay for both sets of flights, if so can’t she get some money back from the boyfriend?

Chances are she’ll be miserable as sin for the whole time anyway, sorry if this sounds cruel but it sounds like she wants you to fund an offshore pity party. Maybe suggest that she asks the airline for some vouchers and goes another time when she’s feeling better, as it sounds like she can’t afford it at the moment and the logistics are too complicated. Offer her a night out instead.

A European city break is meant to be fun!

Regarding the flights, I would just tell her which flights you intend to book (e.g. the slightly later flight) and provide your ETA in the city, don't ask her permission to book the later flight. She is an adult and I'm sure can survive a few hours on her own before you arrive.

Regarding the hotel I would do as @mosiacmaker advises and provide her a deadline to book the hotel. Don't offer to pay.

If she doesn't get the hotel sorted by the deadline then don't book your flight and don't go.

I realise you are trying to be a lovely friend (which you clearly are) but sounds like she is being difficult when, in actual fact, the hassle is all on you. She clearly can't really afford to go so surely it would be better to cut her losses and cancel the flights? I would honestly tell her that logistically its becoming very difficult for you to go and could she perhaps find a friend who lives closer to her.

Offer to book a spa break or something similar. Make a long weekend of it but take the travel pressure off and reduces potential risks of unknown costs. Hopefully close to home if it gets too much. Also means you can spend time on your own or talking as required. I would not go abroad for a holiday with her in this emotional state though as it could be a lot of money down the drain.

I wouldn't go and would make up some excuse to avoid having to fully discuss the reasons with her also. It would be an expensive nightmare and friendship ruined if you went anyway.

Thank you for your replies. In answer to a couple of points raised:

• she suggested the holiday last week so time has been short and it’s all been a bit pressured;
• her BF paid for the flights (she pays for the mortgage and household bills and he pays for food, holidays , days out etc).

It’s clear we shouldn’t really go and it would most likely be rubbish but I am worried about how she will react if I cancel. She didn’t speak to me for nearly a year after I visited her home town and didn’t call in to see her/spent time with family . I know she can make everything about her but she is also good company and we have known each other a very long time. I’m very fond of her and her family. We know each others faults (I am far from being perfect - am boring and dull ) and I do want to be a good friend to her . I just know this is going to be so difficult.

I think perhaps I should ask her if she still wants to go (with all the logistical difficulties, money being so tight etc.). If she does want to go I will ask her to choose the hotel (as pp suggested) and say that I will book my flight (from where I live and at a later time ) but only after hotels are sorted? Does that sound reasonable?

Thanks again for your time and advice.

Don't go. Too complicated. If she dumbs you because if this then she is not worth being friends with.

It’s taking up too much headspace for you and making you anxious, just tell her how you feel and don’t go. If she gives you the cold shoulder after that, she’s not a true friend, is she?

The trip is in just a few days? That's crazy. You need to message her and say we haven't got accommodation organised, the flight time is going to be a nightmare for you to get across London, so why don't you see if you can postpone the flights and we can go a weekend out of season when everything will be a bit cheaper? If she pushes back at that, ask her what the alternative is considering you haven't got somewhere booked to stay!

Just don't go. She doesn't sound much of a friend if she didn't speak to you for a year, plus it sounds like she's wanting you to fund the other costs of the break.

Just say you can't afford it. If only flights are bought she can cancel one fairly easily or just lose the cash.

Hotels, extra nights stays etc are an unexpected expense for you. Inviting someone to take someone else's spot usually means it's all paid for... not that she just wants someone to come along.

Giving you the silent treatment over something so relatively unimportant isn’t the sign of a good friend, OP.

My reading is that she desperately still wants the ex to go with her. Hence the one room and flights to suit them. That’s why she is prevaricating.

Just accept that you can't control her emotions. Yes she'll be disappointed when you tell her but she'd also be disappointed wandering around the city constantly thinking that her now-ex should be with her, not you. And she'll take that out on you.

Just bow out today, do it soon and unequivocally. Don't hint or try to get her to suggest it. You can say whatever you want but there's no magic way to make her be reasonable. She's in selfish mode at the moment and nothing you do will fix things. So just say that unfortunately the trip isn't going to work out this time, thank you for thinking of me though but unfortunately you can't take ex's place. You know she'll be disappointed, but you're not cancelling on her, rather you're just not slotting into her ex's space. Remember this.

Oh no I’ve completely failed and made things worse. I’ve suggested cancelling, postponing, doing something else. I also set out the logistical issues. I felt physical relief in thinking that she might not want to go.

She replied saying she really wants to go and will look up hotel options tonight. Saying no now seems impossible without a fall out.

I could probably have coped if I’d have at least had my own room to go back to at night but having to talk about her relationship issues non-stop for 24 hours for nearly a week may be too much? She’s great in so many ways I just find it a bit relentless- I know that’s something I need to work on.

If I am paying then perhaps I could insist on separate rooms. Do you think that would be unreasonable?