Can our friendship survive this?

[Mogs43]

My friend has just split with her BF. They were planning to go on a European city break so she has asked me to go instead. They had bought flights but not hotels. It is turning into a bit of a nightmare and I don’t know what to do - am worried that our friendship won’t get through it. WWYD?

Flights- are from her home town (the other side of the country). Rail strikes would make it difficult for me to get to her (not impossible but expensive and likely requiring overnight hotel accommodation/ will be time consuming and mean I have to cancel a pre-existing commitment) so , if she agreed, i would prefer to travel from where I live. However she has bought flights that are early in the morning- to arrive at the same time I would need to travel across London at 3am (alone) which I am a bit reluctant to do. Should I just do it (to be a good friend) or would it be reasonable to suggest she be alone for a couple of hours in the city? (Her ex BF is going to drive her directly to the airport so she doesn’t have the same issues). I would , of course, pay for my own flight.

Hotels- I had hoped to have our own rooms but to keep the costs down she wants to share. Fine. We exchanged details of possible options. She wants to keep costs down but also wants a rooftop pool. She didn’t seem keen on any of my proposals. I am happy to go with hers - although they are far out and will require taxis etc to get to the attractions. She subsequently texted to say that money is tight and she doesn’t know if she can afford any of the hotels (he used to pay for holidays etc and is still going to help her pay for this one but I don’t know how much). I have offered to pay for the hotel but she hasn’t said much/doesn’t sound very enthusiastic . I could just get on and book one of her hotels but l am worried that rather than it being taken as a nice friendly gesture she might take offence. I queried whether she still wanted to go and she said she does:needs the break etc... But to be honest it is all starting to feel quite stressful and, with only a few days before we are meant to go, the prices are escalating and options reducing.

I know it must be hard for her. She doesn’t talk about anything other than the split/relationship issues and I think would welcome the distraction of a holiday but clearly £ is tight (for us all). She is emotional at the moment and in the past has been very sensitive /taken offence easily. I don’t want to let her down (as she may see it) but the whole thing has red flags flashing. WWYD? I want to maintain the friendship and am worried that not going or even going might cause difficulties. Help - I want to do the right thing but am worried/unsure about what that is..

She sounds like a nightmare and you are being a bit wet.
You don’t want to go but you are scared of her throwing a tantrum, that’s not how friendship should work.
You should never have agreed to go but you did so now you either go and have what sounds like an expensive and crap time or don’t and brace yourself for the drama

Why do you think you are paying for the hotel? She still wants to go so I'd take that as agreement that she can afford to pay for her own hotel.

You might have to be a little stronger here, I know you don't want to fall out but you are being a little bit dormatty about it all...

So you're honestly going to pay for both of your hotel costs for a trip you don't want to go on????

That's ridiculous. Honestly. Read back what you have written.

If you honestly are happy to pay for the hotel costs the hotel and the room arrangement is the one YOU choose not her

But I think you should yell her you can't go. Go back and say "sorry if I wasn't clear. I just told you ask the reasons why this doesn't work for me just now. I'm not coming on this trip but I'm happy to discuss any of the alternatives I mentioned"

Thank you for your replies. I have re-read what I have written and can see I am being pathetic. Will call her tonight.

Text third:

’ I have just checked over my finances before I confirming plans with you, and I am afraid I simply can not afford to go atm. Let’s look at going away together at the end of the year when I have had time to save up. We can research the destination properly. Hope you are feeling okay, we can meet up for dinner/etc if you are free?’

This

I mean this kindly, but you don’t sound very assertive and she is likely to bulldoze you into agreeing on her terms. Tell her now you can’t make it, and don’t delay.

Ok, so I have been on holiday with a friend who went on and on and on and ON about the same thing for days and it is EXHAUSTING. At absolute bare minimum here you need your own room and there needs to be an understanding that you are not going to spend every hour of every day with her, but will need your own space for a few hours a day. Trust me, this is a prerequisite for the trip working.

Also, noone should be travelling across London at 3am, that's just downright inconsiderate. If she wants cheap early flights she can take them but you should go from a place that is convenient at a time that works for you.

She sounds hard work, and you sound like a very good friend. I was distressed to hear you call yourself dull and boring because you sound anything but. You seem very caring, empathetic and lovely. Be careful that you're not being too much of a pushover. One of the best pieces of advice I've been given is that people actually LIKE to know where boundaries are, it gives a sense of security.

Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Buy or make them a blanket.

You can't solve her problems or make her feel better - all you do is provide a soothing ear and I'd be open and say neither of you can afford this so why not find a nice alternative that will be relaxing for both of you.

You are very foolish to allow yourself be used like this.

This. And on top of it you will also offer to pay for two hotel rooms. I don’t know wether to laugh or cry tbh. You do know you will end up paying for food and drinks too..

@Mogs43 its a bit off topic but I found this interesting : “her BF paid for the flights (she pays for the mortgage and household bills and he pays for food, holidays , days out etc).”

It seems like she’s carrying the financial burden in her relationship because usually mortgage and bills are far greater than groceries and holidays unless they’re going on expensive trips quite frequently? I was wondering about this because often women who are being taken for a ride financially by their partners try and pass on the cost to their friends!

Anyway you definitely have to be assertive, it sounds like she’s going to be unhappy her ex- boyfriend isn’t there and will not be so much fun.

I stepped in for a weekend trip with a friend when her partner broke up with her but she didn’t ask me to pay anything towards it except the cost of the travel (and I did offer).
Your friend is taking the piss and she’ll not thank you for it if you go along with it - stand up for yourself.

She didn't speak to you for over a year because you didn't behave as she had decided you should behave!!!

OP, this is a toxic person. I say that as someone in therapy due to my "mother"'s controlling and manipulative behaviour with frequent occurrences of the silent treatment.

Like your friend, my "mother" could be funny and nice. So long as I did exactly what she expected (and often I had to guess, with the world practically coming to an end if I got it wrong).

People like this only care about themselves. If you behave outside their expectations, you are OUT. There is no in-between.

Why are you accepting this behaviour from this so-called friend? In my case I was brought up in this dysfunction. I wonder what has happened in your past that you don't value yourself more.

You are the most important person in your life, treat yourself as such.

Oh dear what a shame that you have lost your passport

Yeah this.

It's a breakup not a death. No need to sacrifice so much in order to coddle her.

No, if you must go, YANBU to insist on separate rooms. But YABU to still be paying for it just because you’re worried she’ll be annoyed. What about clarifying by text, “great you can look at hotels but just to be clear I think we should definitely have separate rooms (I won’t sleep a wink otherwise) but I’m flexible/ happy with anything for mine (double, twin, single), but with a max budget of x per night. Obviously I’m happy to transfer money for my room to you if you find somewhere and we want to book. Look forward to chatting later.”

I think you need to be absolutely clear to avoid any “misunderstandings” about who’a paying for what. The same goes for expenses once you’re there (is she going to be expecting you to pay for food and drink if she pays for her own room)?

Agree. I'm shocked you are considering helping her. Why??

This "friend" sounds supremely entitled.

I'm saddened to read that you actually think you are boring/dull! I very much doubt it as these sorts of people usually have to clue!

Tell her that you have been through everything in your mind and decided that you'd rather not go. If she gets in a shitty mood about it, ask her would she prefer it then if you agreed to go against your will? You do care about her but you have to put yourself first (be true to yourself). Don't let other people bully/dictate your life and what you do with it.

It's poorly planned, poorly thought out, and she can't afford it anyway. It's basically a non-runner. Say you'll go away with her later in the year as all this sounds way too stressful and last minute.

Quite frankly that all sounds like shit.

I would say that you've thought it through and it's just going to cause stress and hassle.

Usually have no clue*

The thing is, if she is that tight for money, how can she afford the spending money? If you are in hotel there will be meals out, drinks not to mention the cost of getting into attractions etc.

We know how. She'll keep lamenting and OP will keep pulling out her wallet.

Oh blimey, you need to wriggle out of this one.

Yes, I suspected so as well.

Are you prepared for that OP?

Too many red flags here, I wouldn't go, even though things like travelling at 3am and similar stuff would not bother me at all, but her behaviour towards you. And imagine, if you eventually end up booking 2 separate rooms and then her keep hanging around in your room all the time talking the same thing, that will drive you mental. As much as you like your friend, this holiday thing just doesn't seem right.
And I don't believe you are dull and boring, please do not think that of yourself. You are very good friend, rare gemstone I would say, judging by what you said in your posts 😉