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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Blocking a narc - help

78 replies

throaway292 · 14/08/2023 16:37

I have been dealing with someone who I believe is a narcissist. Our chats were flirty at first with some sexting and then I found out a few things that I wasn't happy with - such as he has a gf (100% does), which he still denies.

I have difficulty establishing boundaries so I said I don't think it was a good idea to continue communication and blocked him. I felt anxious the whole time and unblocked him, no bloody idea why, I wanted to make sure he was ok.

He went off on a rant and rave about how I've lead him on, I've treated him like a piece of meat, I can't just pick and choose when I want to deal with him and he doesn't know "who hurt me in the past to make me think this was ok". I apologised and said I won't contact him again, and have blocked him (for good!. But, the way he spoke to me, I feel so bloody guilty.

I am now worried there might be blowback as he said he feels I've lead him on and his tone was very strong.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 14/08/2023 16:56

Oh for goodness sake.

You've blocked him. Leave him blocked, think, "What a dick," and move on.

The chances of him getting back at you are very small. What's he going to do?

But, if he does, then you tell the police.

Unblocking him and contacting him to check he was ok was all a bit dramatic. So just put the drama to rest and move on.

DatingDinosaur · 14/08/2023 16:58

Not sure why you feel guilty for his angry, self-indignant outburst.

Keep him blocked. His outburst showed his true colours and should confirm you did the right thing. Nobody needs that shit in their life.

Let him strop and rant all he likes - the poor little hard done to diddums that he thinks he is. I mean, how dare you, a woman, any woman, not be throwing yourself at him.

Apart from telling him you'll call the police if he carries on like that, don't respond to him.

Another thing, he led YOU on - giving you the impression he was a nice guy.

Tell him to piss of with his childish tantrums.

GreyCarpet · 14/08/2023 17:00

Oh and the likelihood of him actually being a 'narc' is incredibly small. The reality is, he was just a common or garden dickhead who was cheating on his girlfriend with you.

Maybe I'm the odd one but I've had to fuck off many a bloke who had a gf/was married but thought he'd try his luck with me anyway. I can honestly say I've never felt anxious or worried whether they were OK or not!

Freetodowhatiwant · 14/08/2023 17:34

Now I am wondering if you are talking about my boyfriend/very recently ex boyfriend when I am on holiday! Sounds very familiar.

FiddleLeaf · 14/08/2023 17:36

He’s having a little tantrum because his ego can’t take it.

Stick to your guns. The feeling will pass. Keep busy!

Notimeforaname · 14/08/2023 17:39

Well yes you cut contact with a narcissistic person. This will hurt their fragile ego so they need to lash out at you to convince themselves they have dome no wrong and you are to blame.

Keep ignoring. He will drag you in circles around and around, again and again.

Stay strong. And also keep on ignoring if the love bombing messages or calls start soon.

Smilencuddlesthenstab · 14/08/2023 17:45

A narcissist will NEVER see their narcissism. Watch TikTok videos for specialists on narcissism and learn their awful traits. Just block and leave. His threats will only get worse if you do it later.
I wish you all the happiness you deserve

Original poster

throaway292 · 14/08/2023 18:07

I just feel guilty that he thinks I’ve led him on. He always says I was his one who got away and basically makes out he’s in love with me even though it was four years ago. He’s so brazen about “being single” it actually made me question if he is just separated?

OP posts:

Wanderinghome · 14/08/2023 18:15

If you look up codependency it might resonate with you. CODA have loads of literature and a support network that can help people work through it.

Original poster

throaway292 · 14/08/2023 19:17

@Wanderinghome even if this only happened over the span of a few days?

OP posts:

FiddleLeaf · 14/08/2023 19:17

throaway292 · 14/08/2023 18:07

I urge you to invest in therapy. It sounds like if this guy insisted the sky was green you’d want to agree.

Even if you have led him on (you haven’t), relationships end.

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 19:22

Chatting for a few days isn't leading someone on. You didn't owe him anything. Then it turns out he's also a cheat!

His meltdown smacks of a narcissist who's being caught out, trying to make you into the bad guy.

You've nothing to feel guilty about. Having boundaries is not something to be sorry for.

Keep him blocked.

Original poster

throaway292 · 14/08/2023 19:23

@FiddleLeaf I totally agree with you. I don’t have any social media whatsoever so I just blocked him off my number - the only thing I have is a work platform really. I’m just more worried he’ll take the rejection bad and set out to harm me.

OP posts:

Original poster

throaway292 · 14/08/2023 19:24

@Pinkbonbon thank you. I know you’re right, it’s just trying to convince my anxiety of this also! I think I feel bad because I was the one who ended things years ago, and he always told me he never got over it and tbh made me feel very guilty for ending it altogether. So when he’s sitting telling me I’m just using him and all these things, I worry there’s a hint of truth.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 19:27

Even less reason to feel guilty then if you think he's a lunatic (which he is) who would set out to harm you.

You'll likely be fine. But if he knows where you live or work then keep an eye out. Maybe give your workplace the heads up that you told a nutter to fuck off so you're a bit worried he might show up.

I mean more than likely he'll just bitch about you to others but maybe not cause what could he even say? 'She said no to me bevayse she thought I was cheating...what a bitch'. Everyone else be like 'OK so this guy is crazy' lol.

FiddleLeaf · 14/08/2023 19:32

throaway292 · 14/08/2023 19:23

If he’s truly a narc he’ll move on fast when you stop engaging with his behaviour.

From what you’ve said I think he’s just a sad little man who will be straight on OLD to find another woman to pester and bully.

JibbaJab · 14/08/2023 19:33

Likelihood is he will put you on the shelf as he has successfully shifted the blame and leave you to stew tormenting yourself. At some point he may get back in touch acting like nothing has happened. If that does happen, ignore it.

Keep an eye out but from my experience anyway they are cowards and won't make a drastic move and he is currently succeeding in tormenting you without doing anything anyway, which he knows.

Ladybug14 · 14/08/2023 19:44

throaway292 · 14/08/2023 19:23

If you're worried he might physically harm you:

Block

Do not unblock

Report your concerns to the Police and ask for advice

Try not to believe fucktards in future

CuppaCoffeeandCake · 14/08/2023 19:46

Goodness OP, he saw you coming a mile away.
Have some pride.
Even if you “led him on” (literally rolling my eyes typing that) you still have every right to change your mind. That’s literally what “no” means.
What the hell is he going to do? Like PPs have said, call the police. Or better yet, tell his girlfriend that he’s trying his luck and to tell her bf to leave you the F alone.
You’re making drama where there is no drama. He’s blocked. Thank you, next.

Wanderinghome · 14/08/2023 19:48

Yes, it's more to do with how you're feeling about your actions in this situation. How you may have felt obligated or how you've felt about holding your own boundaries.

Original poster

throaway292 · 14/08/2023 19:52

@CuppaCoffeeandCake yes I think so too, which is funny because usually (not in a romantic setting) I’m really assertive and he’d even make comments I’m super cold and he’s not used to it.
There’s so much proof he’s in a relationship but the way he would just say he doesn’t have a gf so openly is crazy to me, just no care whatsoever.
I think him saying that he felt used sexually and saying to me that I’m only ever nice when we spoke sexually which is crazy because that’s what I felt he was like? I’d feel awful if I make someone feel like that.

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 14/08/2023 20:05

@throaway292 You likely haven't, he's lashing out and playing mind games. He's got a girlfriend he's in the wrong anyway, stop worrying you've hurt someone who has been deceiving you.

Andthereyougo · 14/08/2023 20:06

You don’t make anyone feel like that —- he’s just an expert on turning everything round on the other person. Typical narc behaviour.
Block. Leave blocked. Any contact through other means, take it to the police.
His poor gf……

DatingDinosaur · 14/08/2023 20:19

“he always told me he never got over it and tbh made me feel very guilty for ending it altogether. So when he’s sitting telling me I’m just using him and all these things, I worry there’s a hint of truth.”

Of course he’s going to say stuff like that! He’s realised he can tug at your heart strings and manipulate you emotionally, which gives him back the power. It's all a game to him. He, in fact, is using you! To give him his power/control trip.

Using him for what anyway? Has he listed what things you’re using him for? Do YOU think you’re using him?

DatingDinosaur · 14/08/2023 20:20

And I doubt many men would actually complain at being used sexually...

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