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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blocking a narc - help

78 replies

throaway292 · 14/08/2023 16:37

I have been dealing with someone who I believe is a narcissist. Our chats were flirty at first with some sexting and then I found out a few things that I wasn't happy with - such as he has a gf (100% does), which he still denies.

I have difficulty establishing boundaries so I said I don't think it was a good idea to continue communication and blocked him. I felt anxious the whole time and unblocked him, no bloody idea why, I wanted to make sure he was ok.

He went off on a rant and rave about how I've lead him on, I've treated him like a piece of meat, I can't just pick and choose when I want to deal with him and he doesn't know "who hurt me in the past to make me think this was ok". I apologised and said I won't contact him again, and have blocked him (for good!. But, the way he spoke to me, I feel so bloody guilty.

I am now worried there might be blowback as he said he feels I've lead him on and his tone was very strong.

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 10:29

@throaway292 I mean you will never know whether he is actually a narcissist or just an arsehole. I don't know mine is for sure but I'm fairly confident as I've lived in the same house for over a decade and it all adds up. There's many more behaviors and indicators that I have experienced that make me come to this conclusion.

You said you live in different countries, have you met previously or has this been online?

Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 10:33

@JibbaJab we have met before, we dated in person 4 years ago and after a few dates, I found him a bit OTT and decided I didn’t want that - so he lives in my home country and I work abroad.

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Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 10:36

@Unexpectedlysinglemum ah im not too sure. I think I just feel stupid for being vulnerable. I really don’t feel comfortable with conflict in anyway, and I have no idea why I unblocked him. I had an ex before who when I broke up with him, threatened suicide constantly so when I reject someone, I feel awful as if they’re gonna do the same thing - which I know isn’t my fault or my responsibility but ugh.

thankfully I’m in a country far away and he doesn’t have a clue where I’d live here x

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/08/2023 10:41

throaway292 · 15/08/2023 10:36

@Unexpectedlysinglemum ah im not too sure. I think I just feel stupid for being vulnerable. I really don’t feel comfortable with conflict in anyway, and I have no idea why I unblocked him. I had an ex before who when I broke up with him, threatened suicide constantly so when I reject someone, I feel awful as if they’re gonna do the same thing - which I know isn’t my fault or my responsibility but ugh.

thankfully I’m in a country far away and he doesn’t have a clue where I’d live here x

You haven't done anything stupid you wee just a little curious and wanted to double check but you've learnt your lesson about him now! He sounds awful. Stupid would have Neen to continue to date him.

Just remember that other ppl are responsible for their own actions. If this is a common theme for you therapy might be helpful to explore better boundaries- I've been in your shoes in the past and it helped me. Even Rihanna talks about hoping to love chris brown into being better by being his angel. Thank god for her she moved on from that stage! Don't be stuck there!

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 11:34

@throaway292 Oh right, I see. Well all I know is mine was intense to the point the relationship accelerated at lightning speed into something serious and we lived together and got married, had children. It makes absolutely no sense now but at the time it did.

But yes I found, other than at the start where it was like a movie scenario, there was no communication it was like talking to another species almost. We never had one meaningful conversation about us or the relationship nor was there any conversations about improving it or resolving issues that arose.

It was just a cycle of being blamed for things that weren't true, trying to talk but actually talking to a wall that would just spit random and often hateful comments. You'd discuss something, they would say something nasty or untrue and you'd be like...what?! You'd then be in that cycle for an undetermined amount of time. It was very much baiting for conflict mine thrived on arguments and couldn't just be.

Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 12:51

@Unexpectedlysinglemum oh definitely! I will never, ever unblock again! Definitely learned my lesson. I’m just worried I’ve added more fuel to the fire, you know?

I have arranged to speak to a therapist because I think this whole thing has made me notice how much I take responsibility for everyone’s actions outside of me and how I always feel helpless. It’s crazy how when you say about Rihanna, I totally agree with you but when I think about myself, it’s just clouded with emotion! Ahhh I don’t know x

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Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 12:54

@JibbaJab this is what happened to me. Four years ago, it was casual and fun for me. By the second date, he told me he was in love with me and had done for years (which is crazy because we never got along and actually weren’t really friends - we just knew each other from the same group). I found it bizarre he told me he loved me to the point I’m pretty sure I said it back at the time because I didn’t know what else to do. I remember texting my friends like wtf - how can he even feel like that? I think it freaked me out and that’s why I ended it. So when he says about I lead him on etc, I think I feel bad because he’s said the same love bombing stuff for years and I feel like a bitch for doing so lol. I wonder if that’s what they do? Sounds similar with your situation?

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JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 13:02

@throaway292 In my case it seems that it was love bombing. We got on extremely well from the very moment we met it was like a film. Everything I liked and valued they also did, it was like I was dating myself in a way.

Non stop communication, all day and through the night we were inseparable, did everything together. Went away, moved in, engaged, moved away from everyone, married, children and it was all seeded by them.

Only behavior changed, those values changed, became hate filled and everyone was an enemy except me. Until eventually the abuse started and I was stuck in that cycle, this started after marriage and progressively got worse over the years and I got trapped. Now I am out it's still continuing just in another way and I have no choice but to force contact and regain control. I can't walk away in this instance.

Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 14:20

@JibbaJab Yep, that's how I felt too.. it was like where has this person been all my life?!

I think that's what he's done to his girlfriend too, they got together, four months later she's moved country to be with him and they've lived together since - I have no doubt what he would say to me at the start is what he did to her and anyone else.

Do you limit contact to just for kids? I'm really sorry about your situation!

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JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 14:33

Could have been similar. At the time it was amazing but now looking back it was too good to be true and I don't know why I did it.

No, she's taken the house and is withholding the children and falsely accused me. Haven't seen or spoken to them in months.

AdoraBell · 15/08/2023 14:37

Just keep him blocked.

Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 16:06

I am keeping him locked, but I keep thinking if there's any other avenue. I genuinely worry he might try to contact me on someone else's phone. I find my anxiety is making me re-read the last conversation to try and work out if there is any "threat". I don't know if I'm overcomplicating it.

OP posts:
Sheog · 15/08/2023 16:47

throaway292 · 15/08/2023 16:06

I am keeping him locked, but I keep thinking if there's any other avenue. I genuinely worry he might try to contact me on someone else's phone. I find my anxiety is making me re-read the last conversation to try and work out if there is any "threat". I don't know if I'm overcomplicating it.

If he does contact you via another number then just block him again. I’d be more concerned about my social media privacy settings. Professional stalker talking here 😉

Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 17:19

@Sheog I am too! Which is how I found out he has a gf and couldn't show him how I knew. I keep trying to look at myself as another user to review my own but I feel like I'm not thinking clearly and it's too late 😂

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Pinkbonbon · 15/08/2023 17:27

It's probably fine. Realistically he's in another country anyway so what's he going tò do lol

Just maybe don't accept any random friend requests!

Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 17:30

@Pinkbonbon for sure, I think I'm just getting in my own head! He had a wedding to attend in November in the country I live in (his friend has a girlfriend from here, I know that for a fact) and he kept saying we should meet up, which I said I don't think is a good idea. He then said "well you shouldn't have thought sexting was a good idea if you didn't want to meet up" so now I'm actually worried there was no wedding and he booked a ticket.. surely not though? Eeeek! My bloody anxiety.

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Sheog · 15/08/2023 18:23

throaway292 · 15/08/2023 17:30

@Pinkbonbon for sure, I think I'm just getting in my own head! He had a wedding to attend in November in the country I live in (his friend has a girlfriend from here, I know that for a fact) and he kept saying we should meet up, which I said I don't think is a good idea. He then said "well you shouldn't have thought sexting was a good idea if you didn't want to meet up" so now I'm actually worried there was no wedding and he booked a ticket.. surely not though? Eeeek! My bloody anxiety.

You are overthinking. The only time I go into destruction mode is when someone has seriously pissed me off. Texting/ sexting someone from a different country was never going to lead anywhere concrete.
Make sure your security setting are up to date and and forget about this drama.

Pinkbonbon · 15/08/2023 19:00

Well you might be right. Certainly not beyond a narcissists behaviour to book something and and then try to make you feel obligated to meet them. Don't be surprised if he finds a way to say 'hey im visiting the country next week, lets get coffee' as if you never had the prior fall out with with him. Or perhaps under thr guise of some 'needing closure' bullshit.

But if he does, you just block him on whatever method he's using there too. I think its unlikely though. I doubt he'd risk being told to fuck off. His pride wouldn't take it.

If he's a nutter and shows at your house , you just don't answer the door and call the police if he won't leave. But I don't see that happening tbh.

It's natural to think of all the worst case scenario but realistically, he'll have victims closer to home that he cares more about fucking over. He already thinks he's 'put you in your place' as it were.

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 19:22

The likeliest scenario here is he's doing it to someone else now and not thinking about you at all.

Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 19:24

Sheog · 15/08/2023 18:23

You are overthinking. The only time I go into destruction mode is when someone has seriously pissed me off. Texting/ sexting someone from a different country was never going to lead anywhere concrete.
Make sure your security setting are up to date and and forget about this drama.

Show quote history

@Sheog I definitely am, I think I'm just being irrational. I really need to stop thinking my anxiety is a gut feeling!

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Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 19:26

Pinkbonbon · 15/08/2023 19:00

Well you might be right. Certainly not beyond a narcissists behaviour to book something and and then try to make you feel obligated to meet them. Don't be surprised if he finds a way to say 'hey im visiting the country next week, lets get coffee' as if you never had the prior fall out with with him. Or perhaps under thr guise of some 'needing closure' bullshit.

But if he does, you just block him on whatever method he's using there too. I think its unlikely though. I doubt he'd risk being told to fuck off. His pride wouldn't take it.

If he's a nutter and shows at your house , you just don't answer the door and call the police if he won't leave. But I don't see that happening tbh.

It's natural to think of all the worst case scenario but realistically, he'll have victims closer to home that he cares more about fucking over. He already thinks he's 'put you in your place' as it were.

@Pinkbonbon Yes, this all makes complete sense. I keep trying to remind myself he is indeed taken, so I shouldn't be worried at all, but I think the confidence he had in ensuring he wasn't has completely skewed me! I keep bloody going back and looking at what I saw to prove he is, and then my brain is like hmmm maybe he was telling the truth. He's a bloody good gaslighter, that's for sure!

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Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 19:27

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 19:22

The likeliest scenario here is he's doing it to someone else now and not thinking about you at all.

@JibbaJab Yes, I hope so, and that's exactly the same scenario I'd give to any of my friends if I knew it was happening to them and they were worried - so I'm really unsure why I'm unable to believe it for myself. I just feel like I have really bad luck, and surely he's not carrying this lie on with people about being single who actually nearby.. that's way too risky surely? Which is why I think it's just me.

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Teaandbiscuits60 · 15/08/2023 19:30

My dc father is one block him on everything! They are not above using old email addresses and buying another phone/ SIM card to get around the blocking. They are the masters of deceit and lie constantly believing their lies! It’s shocking. Get away and don’t go back he will ruin you and blame you for it.

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 19:33

People do all kinds of things, lie and cheat and nobody is any the wiser. Also bear in mind he's obviously not fussed about long distance so they could be anywhere.

Original poster
throaway292 · 15/08/2023 19:53

@Teaandbiscuits60 if that happens I'll definitely just change my number! Did your dc father do anything else? My concern is he contacts my friends and family. I don't know how as he wouldn't know how to but my anxiety is telling me he will.

@JibbaJab no that's very true. I think it's obvious I still am believing his lies..

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