Blocking a narc - help

[throaway292]

I have been dealing with someone who I believe is a narcissist. Our chats were flirty at first with some sexting and then I found out a few things that I wasn't happy with - such as he has a gf (100% does), which he still denies.

I have difficulty establishing boundaries so I said I don't think it was a good idea to continue communication and blocked him. I felt anxious the whole time and unblocked him, no bloody idea why, I wanted to make sure he was ok.

He went off on a rant and rave about how I've lead him on, I've treated him like a piece of meat, I can't just pick and choose when I want to deal with him and he doesn't know "who hurt me in the past to make me think this was ok". I apologised and said I won't contact him again, and have blocked him (for good!. But, the way he spoke to me, I feel so bloody guilty.

I am now worried there might be blowback as he said he feels I've lead him on and his tone was very strong.

He used you though, not the other way around, he had a girlfriend and never planned on being with you, his angry he got caught out, that’s all.

Stop apologising for people treating you like trash.

@DatingDinosaur his implication was I was using him “sexually” to get my needs met. Not really, it just naturally progressed to sexual chat, it was never something I set out to do.

So there you go then. You've just confirmed he's talking bollocks and trying to make you feel bad. YOU know you haven't used him so whatever he's saying differently is just white noise. Honestly, he's playing on your anxieties. A decent guy wouldn't do that.

Jesus don't believe a word of it, it's bull and he's playing you. Which he definitely is because he's in a relationship already.

We generally don't think the same in that regard as @DatingDinosaur suggested.

£100 He's not phased at all and is getting his needs met still.

And the irony of a cheater feeling used 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@CuppaCoffeeandCake @DatingDinosaur Yeah, I think so too - I’ve actually calmed down a lot since I posted this because of the replies. I’ve been ruminating all day thinking I was a bad person. I just don’t think I’ve ever spoken to someone so brazen about being single and acting like I’m the idiot for even suggesting I know they’re not?! It’s bizarre.

I wouldn’t message because I don’t want drama as he’s now blocked but I don’t know. I got in my head maybe we have mutual friends and he’ll be badmouthing me to them or saying what I said sexually which is embarrassing to me.

I deactivated the social media we discussed it on (I was going to anyway) so my name isn’t associated with it anymore I guess. Just can’t believe how nasty the last conversation got.

“I just don’t think I’ve ever spoken to someone so brazen about being single and acting like I’m the idiot for even suggesting I know they’re not?! ”

He’s deflecting his own shitty behaviour onto you so you don’t bring up the fact he’s a liar and a cheat because you’re too busy worrying if what he said is true and wondering how you can prove to him it’s not. Meanwhile he remains a liar and a cheat.

So long as YOU know your behaviour (in this case the sex talking) wasn’t done for selfish, manipulative reasons, that’s all that matters. I'm sure he was begging you to stop talking like that at the time wasn't he!

You’ll come across people like this throughout your life and this is where you have to believe in yourself first and foremost. If your words/actions are not done with a hidden agenda or for manipulative reasons then you can always, always hold your head up high and see their words/behaviour for what it is – the sign of THEIR guilty conscience and insecurity.

If he does badmouth you to any mutual friends you may have then so be it. The good friends will know you well enough to know he’s talking shite and the rest aren’t worth bothering with. Plus, it will say far more about him as a person than the words he says about you.

Narcissists have that ability to just say something so utterly shattering.
I can think of a few that have left me physically shaking with outbursts of such...bile. like I can genuinely take you a day to calm down from it. Even when you know its bullshit and you've dropped them like hot coal its like your body is still going 'what the fuck was that!?'.

So I agree with you that you probably were dealing with a narcissist.

But you'll shake it off. Just don't engage with him again. He's batshit. And he absolutely means you harm. And your body knows it. The good things is, as pps said, he already thinks he's 'won' so he'll probably leave you alone.

Unless you have mutual acquaintances in which case he might badmouth you. But, meh, anyone who believes what he says doesn't know you anyway.

See I thought this too @JibbaJab but my brain is just convincing me it’s only me he’s saying this stuff too. If it was anyone else, I’d assume he had multiple people on the go, but I genuinely worry it’s just me because he knows I probably won’t tell..

Yes, this is how I felt most of today. Shaky, didn’t want to eat, just felt horrific. Couldn’t focus or even stand. It was as if my body was overcome with anxiety.

He is completely blocked now, no way to contact me, I just worried if I blocked him, he’d go to extremes to contact me.

I've heard it described as 'a psychic attack by an energy vampire' before. Which sounds all new agey and wooo lol but actually feels like a good description imo.

Imo it feels like your nervous system is attacking itself. Maybe a little bit similar to having a panic attack. Whole body just trembling.

Absolutely one of the worst things I've physically experienced. And probably doesn't make much sense to anyone who hasn't lol.

So I don't envy you it!
But it'll pass. Shakes will be gone by tomorrow hopefully. If you sleep. Just maybe feeling a bit...vulnerable for a week or so after. Like...I didn't want to leave the house. Dunno if you'll feel that way.

But most important thing is to remember it's not your fault, you're not a bad person. You've just had a bad person spit poison at you. It was an attack. But you'll recover.

Maybe some chocolate will help. Lol treat him like he was a Dementor from Harry Potter xD

@throaway292 Honestly no word of a lie men don't generally think like that. I wouldn't say I'm the typical guy and I wouldn't mind, it's just not the same.

As been said, they read people extremely well and they can say things that just rip right through you and make you start doubting yourself and throw you into the oblivion of your own thoughts.

Stay away from people like that they turn your head inside out and make you sick. Yes, some can be violent like my wife but in my experience they are cowards and scurry away and hide.

If he knows you know he has a girlfriend already, there's a possibility he's gave you a lash to scare you away from exposing him. I advise not doing that like I did...it doesn't go down well.

@JibbaJab men don’t go to extremes to contact, or do you mean another comment of mine?

Honestly, I would never contact his girlfriend like you say.. too much drama. I don’t even want him, and even if I did, I don’t think I’d have the guts to!

@throaway292 I meant the comment about being used sexually. You think at the time he minded, no he didn't.

In reality what this is all about is his ego got damaged because he felt slighted or rejected. Thats how they work.

@JibbaJab 100%. My biggest pet peeve was everything he said was for a compliment. He would fish for them constantly or say “you don’t want me” so obviously I’d turn around and put his worries at ease. Majorly egotistical!

@throaway292 Yeah and another thing they do all the time but especially when they are angry is project everything they do into you.

As in, he's accused you of using him but he's actually projecting the fact he's used you. In a round about way it's a confession without taking responsibility.

@JibbaJab that makes complete sense - because everything he was accusing me of, was my pet peeve with him. If we spoke normal, he’d try and make a sex joke or revert it to sex and it was really annoying for me. So it was bizarre that was exactly what he was accusing me of…

@Pinkbonbon you’re absolutely right. I felt fine last night going to bed and today I’ve woken up feeling dread at what was said! Not had an argument in ages and especially not one like that. My stomach is just filled with knots.

It’s like my body is expecting something bad to happen. Just horrible :(

So he knows your full name?
Not to scare monger but don’t assume you won’t hear from him via other means. Once we reach a certain level of anger it becomes all consuming

@Sheog yes he does - he’s someone I’ve known for years but just lost contact. I live in another country than him though.

@throaway292 if he contacts you via other means threaten to go to the police. Also keep the messages if possible.

@throaway292 It happens frequently, it's frustrating but also makes you defend yourself and doubt at the same time and that is the purpose. I've had years of it and it's the same with disagreements or one sided arguments.

They often have an issue and that issue isn't generally something you have done, it's something they have. You end up trying to resolve an issue that isn't real, while defending your character which in turn deems you as defensive and argumentive. If you point out the obvious, that in fact it is their behavior they either move to a new fabricated issue, rage and or give silent treatment and it never gets resolved. So you just wasted four hours of your life, getting worked up to the point of exhaustion only to still be to blame and now being ignored.

I wouldn't worry about something happening, he will likely slip away and keep his distance. Mine is different because although we are now separated we are married with children. I stood up for myself, said no to the games and also exposed them. Has gone into hiding, can't face me now, I don't exist to the point she's withholding the children.

They know they are wrong but they are cowards it's easier to disappear and erase you.

@Sheog I will - thank you. I deactivated social media (due to other reasons also) and blocked his number. I don’t know why, but I woke up with dread today thinking I’d get some type of contact and rushed to check my phone. It’s been horrible.

@JibbaJab that makes complete sense, because when I reflect, there were so many times the conversation was insufferable for me because it was like talking to a brick wall. I couldn’t grasp how the things he said meant what he would say, and if he said something maybe overstepping/full on and I pointed it out, he’d turn it on me and ask why “my self esteem is that low I can’t see how wonderful I am when he points it out”.. but the things he was saying wasn’t complimentary, it was more sleazy.

I genuinely thought it was just me unable to articulate in the conversation and was so confused why with this person, I don’t get anywhere. Then, when I mention the girlfriend, I didn’t really want to say how I knew (checking Facebook and doing vetting) but when he said he didn’t have one (even though there’s definitive proof he does) I actually started to question the evidence I saw and ask myself why I even thought it?

I wish I was more assertive with him. I apologised for hurting him in the last conversation and I think tried to get a place of understanding, but he kept listing all this stuff I had done and wronged him and basically made me feel like I had lead him on and I don’t like making anyone feel like that. So I just said I’m sorry, you won’t hear from me again (which is true, he’s blocked from everywhere and we live in different countries) but I’m worried now I wasn’t assertive enough.

Why would you feel guilty when he's the one who lied about his gf? He led you on? He's really gaslighting you.

Forget him, unless you fear he may be dangerous and of come to your house then seek advice from women's aid about more formal anti stalking measures x