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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband Ruined my birthday

97 replies

Shxthusband · 14/08/2023 07:15

Ok so i'm not 5 years old and expect a song and dance on my birthday, I know it's just another day. But I do think it's common courtesy to acknowledge someone's birthday by saying happy birthday if you are with them and being kind to help them feel 'happy' on their birthday .

It's become tradition that myself, a family member, a family friend and my husband come to a festival for few days on my birthday ( it doesn't take a genius to figure out which festival). It's cost us all a small fortune but we always have such a good laugh, i feel lucky I get to act like a kid again, being silly and getting away from the stresses of home. My husband is usually full of jokes, adds to the silliness and is great fun to be around. He does however have form for going into grumps, becoming quiet and not really talking to anyone, but it's usually fixed once he has eaten or had a beer.

This time however, he has spent the entire time in this grump..made no effort to make conversation with anyone, shot down any efforts by everyone else to make conversations with him by answering in short sentences then going back to staring at his phone ( not even looking at anything in particular ( Facebook, sports news etc) he hasn't complained about anything, just said i'm not fussed when we were deciding where to go next, or what to eat etc and just followed the rest of us whatever we ended up deciding.

On my actual birthday i thought he would at least make some effort to come out of this grump, and have the decency to put whatever is going on with him aside and at least be polite to me, but no this grump continued. I woke up he didn't say a word to me. I tried to ask what was up with him,or just talk about anything in general, i got a tut and a look as if to say, why are you speaking to me, fuck off and a one word answer. Can I can say at this point i'm 99% sure I haven't done anything to piss him off ,because I am a very boring person who doesnt really do anything for herself and treats everyone with kindness and hasn't done anything out of the ordinary to have been the cause of his mood turn. Although I could be wrong,

He also told me as we left to come to this festival that he didn't bring a card and presents with him as he didn't see much point bringing things through to haul it back again, and i will get it when we get back. I thought fair enough, he has a point. I'm not bothered about presents just happy with good company on my birthday( which i got with my friend and family member) but it felt like my husband was deliberately making an effort not to be good company. I got eye rolls, tuts, comments like ' how old are you' under his breath. When i triedvto have fun. He spent the entire time scrolling through rubbish on his phone, not talking to anyone refusing to get in any photos or crack a bloody smile. He didn't buy me drink, not even a coffee. I didn't even a get a cuddle. Must most importantly ' in my opinion, because it costs bloody nothing ' I didn't even get a" happy birthday." from him.

I tried my best to have fun and ignore it, I did have some fun. My friend and family member are great company, but my husband pretty much ruined it for me and also i really felt for the others. He ruined it for them too. They could tell he was grumpy and i was disappointed and sad by his behaviour. I can't understand why he would be so selfish.

Il have gifts sitting at home, but I don't want them, I don't care. I just wanted to feel valued and cared for on my actual birthday!

OP posts:
SillyBillyMother · 15/08/2023 10:05

@KitchenSinkLlama is this always the case in every situation with every abusive male? I'm not sure it is. I do agree it's not guaranteed to work, and depending upon the specific issues and profile of the abusive partner, it has the potential to involve risk, but op would be able to make that assessment.

As an aside, I know a man who became abusive (but not dangerous) due to his own MH/personality issues. He did enter in to relationship counselling and has changed his behaviour beyond recognition. His partner is wary and the process is not complete, it may never be, but at the very least it has bought them some much needed time.

diamondinaruff · 15/08/2023 10:20

Shxthusband · 14/08/2023 22:49

Bully1966

This has hit a nerve and I found it quite upsetting to read. That's because it's true and something i have always known.. my kids are my world and I've found it an uphill battle parenting them whilst my husband undoes all the good work I try to do.

And there were no gifts at home when I returned.. He lied, he literally made no effort for my birthday.

Your marriage sounds over to me, im afraid

I think being ignored is more hurtful than having a blazing row , he did nothing for your birthday except ruin it , literally made no effort at all , it sounds like he wants out and if he doesn't you should ,

I'd ask him why lie about a card and gift ? What's the point other than to try and save face and not look like a mean selfish prick to the others you were with ?

He is a mean selfish prick . It doesn't sound like he cares at all, I'm sorry he ruined your birthday

This would be my wake up call

GiveOverRover · 15/08/2023 10:23

SillyBillyMother · 15/08/2023 09:29

I know this isn't the cool thing to say, but whilst I agree that this man sounds toxic, mean and frankly pathetic, if OP leaves him, he is likely to become far worse and the kids may suffer far more.

Perhaps relationship counselling should be the first step.

Individual counselling yes, couples counseling absolutely not.

Abusive behaviour is not a relationship problem.

SillyBillyMother · 15/08/2023 12:19

@GiveOverRover abusive behaviour very much is a problem within the relationship. Yes, the fault clearly lies with the abuser, but a skilled relationship counsellor would definitely have the potential to help in these circumstances.... unless the abusive partner is beyond help. I guess it's up to OP to determine that. Also her OH is likely to refuse, which would suggest the situation is terminal.

I'm just saying it's worth a try, because the alternative is a bloody nightmare.

billy1966 · 15/08/2023 12:27

Abusers invariably try an manipulate counselling sessions orvuse what is said by their victim as a stick to beat them with.

This is a nasty violent abusive man, there is NO WAY the OP should go to counselling with him.

Getting the hell away and using solo counselling to give her strength is the way to go.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 15/08/2023 12:28

My dh ruined my 40th birthday. He was an exh before I was 41.. He also hated any occasion that wasn't about him. Even his own dc's birthday..

WilkinsonM · 15/08/2023 12:53

SillyBillyMother · 15/08/2023 10:05

@KitchenSinkLlama is this always the case in every situation with every abusive male? I'm not sure it is. I do agree it's not guaranteed to work, and depending upon the specific issues and profile of the abusive partner, it has the potential to involve risk, but op would be able to make that assessment.

As an aside, I know a man who became abusive (but not dangerous) due to his own MH/personality issues. He did enter in to relationship counselling and has changed his behaviour beyond recognition. His partner is wary and the process is not complete, it may never be, but at the very least it has bought them some much needed time.

Relationship counsellors will not work with domestic abusers.

anotherdisaster · 15/08/2023 12:54

I'm so sorry OP. I won't rant about what an a-hole he is because others have already said everything. This is only going to get worse. The first thing that struck me on your first message was:
He does however have form for going into grumps, becoming quiet and not really talking to anyone, but it's usually fixed once he has eaten or had a beer.
Your friends will hate him I'm sure and will be hoping you leave him too. Please talk to them about it.

Monkeypopcorn · 15/08/2023 13:06

Shxthusband · 14/08/2023 22:49

Bully1966

This has hit a nerve and I found it quite upsetting to read. That's because it's true and something i have always known.. my kids are my world and I've found it an uphill battle parenting them whilst my husband undoes all the good work I try to do.

And there were no gifts at home when I returned.. He lied, he literally made no effort for my birthday.

Is it possible this is why he was mardy. My DH acts in a similar way on my birthday because he feels bad that he hasn't done a good job of it, so it snowballs. His birthday is 5 days before mine and I am very big on birthdays and go out of my easy to spoil him, decorating, food, homemade cake and gifts I have planned months in advance. The grumpiness usually starts the day after his birthday when he starts manically ordering stuff on next day delivery to try and fix him not being prepared. I'm used to it now and don't actually care, I do big birthdays for others because I enjoy it.
No excuse for his behaviour, but might that potentially be an explanation?

Turfwars · 15/08/2023 14:25

My ex used to do this on any occasion I was looking forward to. Or he would engineer a massive row before the event, then rock up to be the life and soul of the party while my stomach would be in knots with unhappiness over the row so it made it look like I was the miserable git being a downer.

It's a form of abuse.

Think back. Count up how many times he spoils events or occasions with his moods or his selfishness or there's been a situation engineered designed to spoil it for you.

pocketpairs · 15/08/2023 15:18

Maybe he just had an off day, I'd just forgive him and move on. As you said he's generally a nice friendly guy.

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 15:30

And there were no gifts at home when I returned.. He lied, he literally made no effort for my birthday.

He is a horrible, horrible, cunt. Truly. He’s ruined your birthday. He lied about having done anything for you. He’s now being abusive so he can blame you entirely for his complete and utter failure.

OhcantthInkofaname · 15/08/2023 15:39

Happy birthday late! I am sorry you are married to a teenager.

It was my birthday too. No DP but got to spend many hours with my newest grandchild. After 4 DGS's a DGD made a great year.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 16/08/2023 13:01

This sounds dreadful op

definitely challenge him on the behaviour and lying about gifts?

Beaverbridge · 16/08/2023 15:15

Vile abuser. My ex behaved like that, with hindsight in a permanently bad mood cos he wasn't with OW. He eventually left for her, did me the biggest favour!. Good luck moving forward.

mommatoone · 16/08/2023 21:28

Im sorry, but these posters saying ' oh maybe hes having a bad day blah blah'. No, just no!! Would you say this to your daughter if she told you she was being treated like that?. I hope not. This guy is a selfish abusive man and OP deserves better..I refer back to my original post - would he ignore his work colleagues, and walk round with a face like a slapped arse all day at work ? Would he fuck!.. he does it with the OP cos hes a bully.

Shxthusband · 16/08/2023 22:12

I'm now being stonewalled and was told to "shut my puss and get out of my grump" when I told him his half ass apology of ' sorry for being grumpy I was busy with work stuff' wasn't good enough because he was clearly just scrolling through Facebook and looking at the football scores and didn't make any effort to engage with anyone.

OP posts:
Cherryana · 16/08/2023 22:20

So he is continuing to throw insults and hurt you.

He seems unable to take responsibility.

You have to be strong and create a boundary. This might look like this: If you speak to me like that I will not engage. When you speak to me with respect then we can speak again about how your behaviour has hurt me.

Or you can just ask him to leave as you are not prepared to be ignored and belittled in your own house.

hollyblueivy · 16/08/2023 22:25

Was he in a grump before the festival or did her just snap into it on arrival?

How were things leading up to it? Any excitement about the weekend?

How are things generally- does he spend a lot of time on his phone? We're you both intimate with each other as usual or having a dry spell?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/08/2023 23:03

I don't know how can be arsed to put up with his man child behaviour

I'd be planning a new patio

SillyBillyMother · 17/08/2023 07:38

You need him to realise how serious this is, and how you are not prepared to continue tolerating his dreadful behaviour.
Not sure really how you draw the line in the sand; men like him have very selective hearing and are highly adept at twisting the narrative so he doesn't have to take it seriously.

Imo relationship counselling would really help you. If you can afford it, why don't you find a counsellor. If (when) he refuses to come you should go by yourself.

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