Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Ruined my birthday

97 replies

Shxthusband · 14/08/2023 07:15

Ok so i'm not 5 years old and expect a song and dance on my birthday, I know it's just another day. But I do think it's common courtesy to acknowledge someone's birthday by saying happy birthday if you are with them and being kind to help them feel 'happy' on their birthday .

It's become tradition that myself, a family member, a family friend and my husband come to a festival for few days on my birthday ( it doesn't take a genius to figure out which festival). It's cost us all a small fortune but we always have such a good laugh, i feel lucky I get to act like a kid again, being silly and getting away from the stresses of home. My husband is usually full of jokes, adds to the silliness and is great fun to be around. He does however have form for going into grumps, becoming quiet and not really talking to anyone, but it's usually fixed once he has eaten or had a beer.

This time however, he has spent the entire time in this grump..made no effort to make conversation with anyone, shot down any efforts by everyone else to make conversations with him by answering in short sentences then going back to staring at his phone ( not even looking at anything in particular ( Facebook, sports news etc) he hasn't complained about anything, just said i'm not fussed when we were deciding where to go next, or what to eat etc and just followed the rest of us whatever we ended up deciding.

On my actual birthday i thought he would at least make some effort to come out of this grump, and have the decency to put whatever is going on with him aside and at least be polite to me, but no this grump continued. I woke up he didn't say a word to me. I tried to ask what was up with him,or just talk about anything in general, i got a tut and a look as if to say, why are you speaking to me, fuck off and a one word answer. Can I can say at this point i'm 99% sure I haven't done anything to piss him off ,because I am a very boring person who doesnt really do anything for herself and treats everyone with kindness and hasn't done anything out of the ordinary to have been the cause of his mood turn. Although I could be wrong,

He also told me as we left to come to this festival that he didn't bring a card and presents with him as he didn't see much point bringing things through to haul it back again, and i will get it when we get back. I thought fair enough, he has a point. I'm not bothered about presents just happy with good company on my birthday( which i got with my friend and family member) but it felt like my husband was deliberately making an effort not to be good company. I got eye rolls, tuts, comments like ' how old are you' under his breath. When i triedvto have fun. He spent the entire time scrolling through rubbish on his phone, not talking to anyone refusing to get in any photos or crack a bloody smile. He didn't buy me drink, not even a coffee. I didn't even a get a cuddle. Must most importantly ' in my opinion, because it costs bloody nothing ' I didn't even get a" happy birthday." from him.

I tried my best to have fun and ignore it, I did have some fun. My friend and family member are great company, but my husband pretty much ruined it for me and also i really felt for the others. He ruined it for them too. They could tell he was grumpy and i was disappointed and sad by his behaviour. I can't understand why he would be so selfish.

Il have gifts sitting at home, but I don't want them, I don't care. I just wanted to feel valued and cared for on my actual birthday!

OP posts:
Prelapsarianhag · 14/08/2023 13:51

He is a nasty disrespectful cunt.

pinkyredrose · 14/08/2023 13:52

How old are the children? Do you really want them to grow up witnessing this and thinking that's how father's act?

I honestly would think seriously about separating from this miserable, selfish arsehole. Your and your children's lives would be a lot more calm and happy.

Timetochangegonzo · 14/08/2023 13:55

Your own husband didn’t wish you a Happy Birthday. Reflect on that

MsRosley · 14/08/2023 19:33

Your husband is a c*nt and this situation is untenable. Good luck, OP.

Songbird74 · 14/08/2023 19:35

What a miserable human being your husband is. I hope you still managed to enjoy your birthday OP xx

pictoosh · 14/08/2023 19:53

I think he just hated not being the main focus or priority on your birthday weekend.
I bet he finds some straw-clutching bullshit to accuse you of, to explain why his behaviour was justified. Maybe you 'ignored' him while enjoying the company of the others...or some other slight he has fabricated that places him as the wronged one. The reason I think this is because he launched something across the room. He's seething that you're pissed off with him. He was supposed to pour cold water all over your weekend and then have you pat him dry.

That's what mine was like. Selfish to the core.

billy1966 · 14/08/2023 20:00

You are in a highly abusive relationship with a nasty narcissistic bully.

Your poor children being reared in this environment.

Clearly you have tolerated this for years.

Don't worry, those with you will have the measure of him.

I would strongly suggest you call Womens aid for a chat.

This is doing awful damage to your children.

Can you not see how selfish and dreadful this is for them to be around?

billy1966 · 14/08/2023 20:01

Oh and he's now throwing things while you are in the room?

Domestic violence too.

You need to wake up to the horror your children are absorbing every day.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 20:06

I absolutely hate pathetic man babies like your husband. It's abuse, end of. He takes pleasure in ruining your time and humiliating you in front of other people. Your friends and family are baffled as to why you're still with him, I assure you.

How much more of your life are you willing to waste on this fuckwit?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 20:08

billy1966 · 14/08/2023 20:01

Oh and he's now throwing things while you are in the room?

Domestic violence too.

You need to wake up to the horror your children are absorbing every day.

Absolutely this. All of it. Your husband is a violent bully. He's trying to put you in your place so you'll shut up.

MillWood85 · 14/08/2023 20:13

This is a really upsetting read, OP. Not only did he not let you enjoy your birthday, he actively tried to ruin it for you.

That's not the action of a loving partner. It's the actions of a prick.

johnnydeppsslipper · 14/08/2023 20:15

What a wanker

I would really
Calmly ask what his ducking problem has been all weekend,thank him for behaving like a stroppy fucking teenager and tell him next year he isn't invited

I'm seeing this sort of shit being pulled more and more by men now and it really grates me. Hmm

And before anyone says they aren't all like it I know and my dh certainly isn't but I work within an industry of women of all ages and it's getting more common

Half the time it's because it's not about them or they aren't the centre of the women's world or whatever excuse can be made for their generally shitty behaviour.

My grown ass d dad can behave like a fucking child at times and I tell him so

fisherhatesgravel · 14/08/2023 22:47

johnnydeppsslipper · 14/08/2023 20:15

What a wanker

I would really
Calmly ask what his ducking problem has been all weekend,thank him for behaving like a stroppy fucking teenager and tell him next year he isn't invited

I'm seeing this sort of shit being pulled more and more by men now and it really grates me. Hmm

And before anyone says they aren't all like it I know and my dh certainly isn't but I work within an industry of women of all ages and it's getting more common

Half the time it's because it's not about them or they aren't the centre of the women's world or whatever excuse can be made for their generally shitty behaviour.

My grown ass d dad can behave like a fucking child at times and I tell him so

Definitely this. Men are getting more and more annoyed that they don't always have the more important job anymore. On top of that, they're even expected to do some childcare and housework 😳

Original poster
Shxthusband · 14/08/2023 22:49

Bully1966

This has hit a nerve and I found it quite upsetting to read. That's because it's true and something i have always known.. my kids are my world and I've found it an uphill battle parenting them whilst my husband undoes all the good work I try to do.

And there were no gifts at home when I returned.. He lied, he literally made no effort for my birthday.

OP posts:
AndyMcFlurry · 14/08/2023 22:55

@billy1966 is ALWAYS right, she’s a very insightful poster.

You deserve better OP, you really do.

billy1966 · 14/08/2023 23:10

OP, you posted your thread because you know and your gut knows this isn't right.

We aren't going to tell you to do anything tonight, this week, even this month.

What you can do is continue to admit the truth to yourself.

Think about those children you love dearly and the unbelievable damage men like him do to them.

You start to plan quietly.

You talk to Women's who will give you advice and support.

You reach out to those that really care about you, and crucially you tell them the TRUTH about what is going on.

You and your precious children are victims of domestic abuse and violence.

What is your housing, childrens ages, work, financial situation like?

Can you gather pictures of payslips, pensions etc.

Take your time and make a plan.
We are here for you.

Screw him and his presents, they would be meaningless from that nasty liar.
Don't waste precious energy being upset.

Save it for getting organised and getting away.

Damnedidont · 14/08/2023 23:32

You deserve better

trythisforsize · 14/08/2023 23:43

I think I would just have to be sure, before I went in guns blazing about it, that he isn't hiding a depressing diagnosis or something.

I'd get him quiet and alone and check in with him ' you've been quiet, is everything ok etc '. If he says, yes - he's sure he's absolutely fine, you can launch into your 'well I'm not and are you interested in why? His response and mood thereafter will tell you everything you need to know.

Takeabreather23 · 15/08/2023 00:37

OP have you read this ? It’s 4 years long lol but also sounds like your Husband from your original post.

if you read it , it may help you understand what’s happening ok your marriage
just an idea

Husband Ruined my birthday
Fraaahnces · 15/08/2023 01:40

Have you confronted him about that? “Why did you lie to me about that too? Only to redeem yourself for being a cunt in front of friend?” Let friend know about the lack of a card and present.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 15/08/2023 08:04

That would be absolutely the last time I'd invite him to anything until you've completely sorted out wtf is he doing it for.

I'd call him out on his utter childish behaviour, I'd be telling him he ruined (for the most part) the weekend, your birthday and lied about the presents at home. I wouldn't care if it caused an argument, it's not you who's in the wrong here. I'd ask him if it bothers him that your friends will have thought him a complete dick!

I lived with a sulker and it sucked the joy out of every occasion. It would have me walking on egg shells in the run up to holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc rather than being able to look forward to them. I've come tot the conclusion that sulkers like my ex and your dh are incredibly selfish and it's bordering on abusive. If the attention can't be on them, they will sulk to ensure that everyone is more than aware of them and tip toeing around them. Awful behaviour

ThisWormHasTurned · 15/08/2023 08:16

He goes into sulks and moods when it’s not all about him. You’re treading on eggshells. He lied to you and couldn’t even be arsed to get you a gift or card for your birthday. He throws things in a mood. Does he behave like this at work? This is toxic and I agree with billy1966 could well be abusive. I’d suggest checking out the Freedom Programme online and reading Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

I had one like this. It became insufferable. I ended it. DD said yesterday how much happier she is now. It’s not always easy as a single parent but honestly, it’s far easier not to have to pander to his moods, clean up after him or do things based on his preferences all the time.

SillyBillyMother · 15/08/2023 09:29

I know this isn't the cool thing to say, but whilst I agree that this man sounds toxic, mean and frankly pathetic, if OP leaves him, he is likely to become far worse and the kids may suffer far more.

Perhaps relationship counselling should be the first step.

KitchenSinkLlama · 15/08/2023 09:37

SillyBillyMother · 15/08/2023 09:29

I know this isn't the cool thing to say, but whilst I agree that this man sounds toxic, mean and frankly pathetic, if OP leaves him, he is likely to become far worse and the kids may suffer far more.

Perhaps relationship counselling should be the first step.

You dont do counselling with an abuser. It is dangerous.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 15/08/2023 09:41

Shxthusband · 14/08/2023 22:49

Bully1966

This has hit a nerve and I found it quite upsetting to read. That's because it's true and something i have always known.. my kids are my world and I've found it an uphill battle parenting them whilst my husband undoes all the good work I try to do.

And there were no gifts at home when I returned.. He lied, he literally made no effort for my birthday.

What? Bloody hell what a prick

Have you asked him why he lied about that?

He sabotaged your birthday weekend, he's moody, he throws things... he's abusive OP.

I hope you can start to see this and get you and your kids away from this vile man