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Original poster

Help me choose which man to pursue

67 replies

lousyatchoosingnames · 13/08/2023 14:00

Hi

So I had a 2 yr relationship with Mr A recently, we split because he was under a lot of stress, behaving erratically, quite unsupportive of me near the end and criticised me a lot at the end. I loved him more than anyone previously and was physically attracted to him more than anyone else. I did wonder how a life with him would pan out, he could be selfish and unhelpful around the house.

Mr B is a boyfriend from my past, we dated for 5 years and it was the easiest relationship ever, he was easy going, pulled his weight, was pleasant company. But. I wasn't attracted to him physically and didn't feel a strong love for him, just the sort of love that grows over time. I ended it becuase I wanted 'true love' and to have someone who's clothes I wanted to rip off and who wanted to rip my clothes off.

There were 2 or 3 relationships between these 2, which didn't work and which I'm not interested in now.

Mr B has heard on the grapevine that me and Mr A have split up and has made a play for me. Part of me really wants the stable family and home life I know I can have with Mr B and part of me wants the burning love and attraction I had for Mr A. Mr A I am certain will come back to me in the future. I think if I made it clear I was interested, he would be back in a shot.

But who do I go for? I don't want to be single, I'm lonely and I do want a happy home life for my family.

Obviously I haven't written all of their characteristics but what do you guys think? I'm just so confused Confused

OP posts:
Squ1ggle · 13/08/2023 14:02

Mr B every time. Sure lust and passion is great but you need a true partner. I could never love anyone who didn't pull his weight and criticised me so all the attraction in the world wouldn't be enough.

Watchkeys · 13/08/2023 14:02

Why do you want a relationship with anybody who doesn't stand out by a mile? Choosing either of these will not get you what you want. A compatible partner will be someone you definitively want, above all others. If you can't choose, that's a sign that neither is for you.

Why don't you look for someone who blows your socks off? That's the route to being happy in your relationship.

Original poster
lousyatchoosingnames · 13/08/2023 14:04

Watchkeys · 13/08/2023 14:02

Why do you want a relationship with anybody who doesn't stand out by a mile? Choosing either of these will not get you what you want. A compatible partner will be someone you definitively want, above all others. If you can't choose, that's a sign that neither is for you.

Why don't you look for someone who blows your socks off? That's the route to being happy in your relationship.

Yeah, but you can find someone who seems amazing and 2 years down the line, the mask slips and you've been fooled and wasted another 2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
lousyatchoosingnames · 13/08/2023 14:05

Squ1ggle · 13/08/2023 14:02

Mr B every time. Sure lust and passion is great but you need a true partner. I could never love anyone who didn't pull his weight and criticised me so all the attraction in the world wouldn't be enough.

Yeah Mr A's previous wife was very resentful with him and near the end, I started feeling resentful, I hadn't for the first year and a half at least.

OP posts:
RandomForest · 13/08/2023 14:05

Do you have children ?

If not your biological urges will have you wanting Mr A, now whether he will be a good life partner is a different matter.

It's so difficult to go against nature.

Watchkeys · 13/08/2023 14:08

So you think that a better 'happy relationship plan' is to go for someone you're not really into?

Yes, there's a risk of someone not turning out right in the long run, but that's a risk you have to take. You won't be happy with someone who's a bit disappointing right from the start. You might be happy with someone who blows your socks off at the start.

Why are you working from a basis of 'I'll probably be let down and disappointed in the end'? It's not always the case. It's also not a waste of time; we learn by experience.

Original poster
lousyatchoosingnames · 13/08/2023 14:08

I have 2 children and want no more. Both Mr A and Mr B have kids and want no more.

OP posts:
Epidote · 13/08/2023 14:10

None of them. They are you ex's for various reasons.

Pinkbonbon · 13/08/2023 14:12

Neither.
Duh.

Exs are exs for reason anyway!

Back to the drawing board.

To be honest though if you're actually considering dating either of these guys then I don't think you're in the right place for a relationship right now.

You're too...sorry to use the word but - desperate.
You'll make bad choices because of that.

You might not want to be single. But tbh it might do you some good right now. Learn to be happy in your own company. Then you can make healthy choices when it comes to partners.

LifeExperience · 13/08/2023 14:13

Neither. If you have to ask on a message board, you are the one not ready to commit. Let them both go.

Original poster
lousyatchoosingnames · 13/08/2023 14:14

I'm scared to start again, I'm in my forties, I've ended up in some abusive relationships because I could t see the signs for a long time. It's me and my poor decision making I don't trust. The more I think about it, the more Mr B seems to be the one, I've been friends with him in the years between and he's very steady and reliable. I think that's worth a lot when you've had some bad uns in between.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 13/08/2023 14:18

Your poor decision making is what's putting you in this position of trying to choose between 2 things you don't really want.

Recognise how you feel. Respond to that. You're not feeling a desperate urge to have a relationship with either of these men, so don't. When you start responding to how you feel, you won't be at risk of abusive relationships any more, because as soon as someone treats you poorly, you'll leave. And it's that simple. There's nothing wrong with your 'decision making'; you simply don't respect your own feelings enough to respond to them.

Pinkbonbon · 13/08/2023 14:18

lousyatchoosingnames · 13/08/2023 14:14

I'm scared to start again, I'm in my forties, I've ended up in some abusive relationships because I could t see the signs for a long time. It's me and my poor decision making I don't trust. The more I think about it, the more Mr B seems to be the one, I've been friends with him in the years between and he's very steady and reliable. I think that's worth a lot when you've had some bad uns in between.

Can't you see you'd be making the exact same mistake?

Choosing anyone just because you can't be single.

Why do you think there needs to be a partner if its not the RIGHT partner?

B is NOT the one. You don't fancy him.
Maybe he'd make a good friend. But why does he have to be your bf? You aren't into him like that.

You keep choosing bad ones because you haven't learned to be happy in your own company.

You don't need a man. You need self love.

JibbaJab · 13/08/2023 14:19

You need to move past both and put them in the past. Find someone who you are attracted to and can be supportive and provide that family life.

You need to find Mr C.

Original poster
lousyatchoosingnames · 13/08/2023 14:19

Watchkeys · 13/08/2023 14:02

Why do you want a relationship with anybody who doesn't stand out by a mile? Choosing either of these will not get you what you want. A compatible partner will be someone you definitively want, above all others. If you can't choose, that's a sign that neither is for you.

Why don't you look for someone who blows your socks off? That's the route to being happy in your relationship.

Mr A blew my socks off, until the last couple of months where he turned into a bit of a nightmare.

How many more times do I need to try, a new man every 2 years? I'm bored with trying to find mr right and just finding after a couple of years that they are no good. This has happened a few times now. I'm bored of dating, I want a settled relationship and happy home life.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/08/2023 14:20

Pinkbonbon · 13/08/2023 14:18

Can't you see you'd be making the exact same mistake?

Choosing anyone just because you can't be single.

Why do you think there needs to be a partner if its not the RIGHT partner?

B is NOT the one. You don't fancy him.
Maybe he'd make a good friend. But why does he have to be your bf? You aren't into him like that.

You keep choosing bad ones because you haven't learned to be happy in your own company.

You don't need a man. You need self love.

Show quote history

This.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/08/2023 14:21

I'm bored with trying to find mr right and just finding after a couple of years that they are no good. This has happened a few times now

Listen to your gut. It's telling you to give it a rest because none of these misters have been any good for you and to be single for a bit and get to know yourself. How will you do that in a string of unsatisfactory relationships?

Watchkeys · 13/08/2023 14:22

And you could see the signs. You felt like something was wrong or uncomfortable for you, in those relationships. You let the men off the hook for behaviours that didn't make you feel good, and they kept doing it, but worse and worse. And you kept staying, despite the fact that you knew things weren't right.

'Seeing the signs' isn't the issue: it's 'choosing to stay where you're uncomfortable' that's the problem. And that's what you're trying to do now. You're trying to choose a situation that's not comfortable for you, either by (A) accepting a relationship with someone who has already proven himself to be not what you want or (B) accepting a relationship with someone who has already proven himself to be not what you want.

Go and look for what you want. That's what will make you happy.

category12 · 13/08/2023 14:22

I'm bored with trying to find mr right and just finding after a couple of years that they are no good. This has happened a few times now. I'm bored of dating, I want a settled relationship and happy home life.

You're not going to get that with either Mr NightmAre or Mr Boring.

Whataretheodds · 13/08/2023 14:23

Mr A I am certain will come back to me in the future. I think if I made it clear I was interested, he would be back in a shot.

What, to behave erratically and treat you badly?

Original poster
lousyatchoosingnames · 13/08/2023 14:23

I had a 2 yr break before Mr a, being single is rubbish and self love is a phrase that just gets banded around. How the hell do you self love? Is anyone on here self loving well? I wouldn't know where to start.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 13/08/2023 14:23

Have a happy home life with just you and the kids.

You're only 40, you could live to 100. Men will always come and go. They are just added spice.

If you like them, fancy them and they treat you right, great, maybe they're a good addition. If that changes, kick them to the curb.

You have to learn to be happy and complete single. Not base your happiness on men.

And certainly not settle for men you don't even fancy or, who treat you like shit.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 13/08/2023 14:23

None.
Mr A isn't right for you and you're not right for Mr B

Watchkeys · 13/08/2023 14:24

How many more times do I need to try

More times. Do you really want to settle with someone you don't want because you're too lazy and bored to bother looking for what you do want? You're not a teenager. If you want something, you keep trying until you get it. It's not going to be delivered to you via an 'easy' route.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/08/2023 14:24

lousyatchoosingnames · 13/08/2023 14:23

I had a 2 yr break before Mr a, being single is rubbish and self love is a phrase that just gets banded around. How the hell do you self love? Is anyone on here self loving well? I wouldn't know where to start.

OK then. With that attitude you're clearly not going to listen to anyone telling you to take a breather.