Help me choose which man to pursue

[lousyatchoosingnames]

Hi

So I had a 2 yr relationship with Mr A recently, we split because he was under a lot of stress, behaving erratically, quite unsupportive of me near the end and criticised me a lot at the end. I loved him more than anyone previously and was physically attracted to him more than anyone else. I did wonder how a life with him would pan out, he could be selfish and unhelpful around the house.

Mr B is a boyfriend from my past, we dated for 5 years and it was the easiest relationship ever, he was easy going, pulled his weight, was pleasant company. But. I wasn't attracted to him physically and didn't feel a strong love for him, just the sort of love that grows over time. I ended it becuase I wanted 'true love' and to have someone who's clothes I wanted to rip off and who wanted to rip my clothes off.

There were 2 or 3 relationships between these 2, which didn't work and which I'm not interested in now.

Mr B has heard on the grapevine that me and Mr A have split up and has made a play for me. Part of me really wants the stable family and home life I know I can have with Mr B and part of me wants the burning love and attraction I had for Mr A. Mr A I am certain will come back to me in the future. I think if I made it clear I was interested, he would be back in a shot.

But who do I go for? I don't want to be single, I'm lonely and I do want a happy home life for my family.

Obviously I haven't written all of their characteristics but what do you guys think? I'm just so confused

Lol, you did sum them up quite well there!

This is what you need to do though. You don't even understand the concept, but you can learn it. I did. It's great. It's not something that gets 'bandied about', it just appears that way from the outside.

Being single is better than being in a relationship just for the sake of it.

By all means, start dating again. Yes it's exhausting at times but you haven't met the right person yet so thems the breaks. Either single life or dating. Not going back to things that didn't work before (and for good reasons).

It's not being lazy, it's feeling fatigued with it all, I've had a 5 year relationship, a 3 yr relationship, a 3 yr relationship, a 2 yr relationship, an 8 yr relationship, a 2 yr relationship.

I'm attracting the wrong men, I can't trust my own judgement, I don't want to be alone.

It's just a never ending cycle of failure. I'm sick of it.

Consider also what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and unlearn the damaging crap through counselling. Love your own self for a change. Enrol yourself also onto the Freedom Programme.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by both previous poor life experiences and abusive relationships, have been further eroded by Mr A and B. You do not need either of these men in your life and nor for that matter do your kids.

Have you done any work on why you end up in abusive relationships (and potentially on why you find men who treat you well uninteresting?) The Freedom Programme? Counselling?

My current life situation makes me say oh my god, B every single time

Not really fair to B to just use him as a means to an end.

Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied. None of those relationships worked out and for good reason as well.

I've read the freedom stuff, my 8 yr relationship was a coercive control one. That why I took 2 yrs out. Then I met Mr A who was the man of my dreams and I thought it worked, until the last couple of months when the cracks started showing and his mask started slipping.

I don't know how others have such success in relationships, maybe they just put up with it and brush it under the carpet. Or they work through their problems. I just realise they are bad, assume they won't change And end it.

@lousyatchoosingnames - it’s really problematic that you’re so resistant to being single. It’s causing you to make wrong choices. Why are you so determined against the single life?

It's not being lazy, it's feeling fatigued with it all

Then rest. Do something else. You won't have a happy relationship until you're emotionally self sufficient anyway, so you need to do something different.

I've been where you are, and fixed it. I met my partner at 45, and am finally in a happy, stable, fulfilling relationship.

Honestly, you are looking in the wrong place for the solution to your unhappiness. Look to yourself first. Self respect comes before anything, and it sounds like you don't really even recognise what that feels like. So that's step 1.

Ok you've helped me make my decision. I'm staying single and trying the self love thing. I have absolutely no idea what that looks like or how to do it but I'll have a go. I'm googling now x

As for self love:

I'd never date someone I didn't fancy.
I'd drop someone who treats me badly.
Being single is usually fine. Certainly preferable to dating the wrong person for me. I'm allowed to have boundaries. I walk away from people who don't want me to believe that.

Those are things you can say when you have self love. They allow you to be happy in yourself and so you don't need to settle for the wrong men. It's...knowing you have your own back.

It takes time and work and being able to be alone. Sometimes you will be lonely too. But that's not going to kill you.

What will...is the exhaustion of dating and dating in the hunt to find someone else to validate you. When you need to learn to do that for yourself. To be your own champion.

Otherwise it's just a cycle that breaks your heart a little bit more each time. Because you're daring in order to fix yourself. Rather than fixing yourself in order to date.

You gotta take the time to become whole first. I know 'loving yourself' is a cheesy statement but, it hs relevant. Becayse until you believe you are worth good people, and love and passion and kindness from partners...you'll always settle for less than.

Mr C

And thus begins your journey into healthy decision making. Well done.

You can't just 'decide' to love yourself if you don't already. So, you have to start with self respect. What do you respect yourself for, currently?

Your life sounds like my life 😬

Watchkeys

So I have 2 lovely children I love very much. I paid my own way through university, got my degree, got a good job and now have a good career and decent wage. I have a nice home in a nice area.

Generally I'm exhausted with life, I work hard to maintain my career/ wage and have to maintain house on my own. Kids are 50/50 with dad.

I want some help, I want some support. I'm exhausted. Other people have a supportive partner and supportive family. My family don't help me, they're too busy with their own lives.

This is partly why I want a man. I want a supportive partner and happy home life, I want to feel supported. I want someone who'll share life's load with me.... I'm exhausted!!!

Ok I'm going to try, I just don't know where to start, I'll maybe gets some self help books on audible or something.

Tbf though...9/10 times, men add to stress...not reduce it lol.

It sounds more like you'd benefit from looking to make your life easier in other ways. Eg: could you hire a cleaner to help around the home? Reduce your work hours? When did you last have a holiday?

It's just a never ending cycle of failure. I'm sick of it.

Stay away from these 2 then.

This is partly why I want a man. I want a supportive partner and happy home life, I want to feel supported. I want someone who'll share life's load with me.... I'm exhausted!!!

You might want to read a few threads on here and see what a lottery THAT is for a lot of women.

Other people have a supportive partner and supportive family. My family don't help me, they're too busy with their own lives

A lot of us don't have that and manage just fine.

So I have 2 lovely children I love very much. I paid my own way through university, got my degree, got a good job and now have a good career and decent wage. I have a nice home in a nice area

You're bright, focussed and hardworking. Can't you apply these qualities by taking some time out to work out why all those relationships failed and if you actually want another one?

I really want to say Mr B but I’ve been there with someone I don’t fancy. Recently I dated someone whose clothes I did want to rip off and I couldn’t go back to being with someone I don’t fancy. But Mr A isn’t the guy for you

Neither. Try being single fore a while and working on your self esteem.

I'm maybe the same I really struggle to be on my own, not that I don't like my own company but I like to be in a relationship that's actually genuine.

I thought I had that but guess I was wrong so at some point I'll have to start all over again. I get the urge and think about it, imagine what it must be like or possibilty of something real with someone but I have to stop myself thinking about it as it's probably not the right time anyway.

So I'm trying to think it's okay being single but it's hard at the same time.