Help me choose which man to pursue

[lousyatchoosingnames]

Hi

So I had a 2 yr relationship with Mr A recently, we split because he was under a lot of stress, behaving erratically, quite unsupportive of me near the end and criticised me a lot at the end. I loved him more than anyone previously and was physically attracted to him more than anyone else. I did wonder how a life with him would pan out, he could be selfish and unhelpful around the house.

Mr B is a boyfriend from my past, we dated for 5 years and it was the easiest relationship ever, he was easy going, pulled his weight, was pleasant company. But. I wasn't attracted to him physically and didn't feel a strong love for him, just the sort of love that grows over time. I ended it becuase I wanted 'true love' and to have someone who's clothes I wanted to rip off and who wanted to rip my clothes off.

There were 2 or 3 relationships between these 2, which didn't work and which I'm not interested in now.

Mr B has heard on the grapevine that me and Mr A have split up and has made a play for me. Part of me really wants the stable family and home life I know I can have with Mr B and part of me wants the burning love and attraction I had for Mr A. Mr A I am certain will come back to me in the future. I think if I made it clear I was interested, he would be back in a shot.

But who do I go for? I don't want to be single, I'm lonely and I do want a happy home life for my family.

Obviously I haven't written all of their characteristics but what do you guys think? I'm just so confused

If you can afford it, how about doing some counselling to address what might be behind the poor decision making with men? Preferably with someone experienced with domestic abuse.

I don't think oh I'll try some self-help books is really focused enough, it comes off as like a sop so you can say "see, I tried, but nothing's changed" without really engaging. Apologies if that's not the case.

Neither of them will make you happy.

Good idea, I had a cleaner until electricity and gas went astronomical. Might see if I can afford one now.

Me C! These 2 aren't the only men left in the world. They both have flaws and why it ended. So find someone new!

Right I'm starting project self love. I'm going to start doing some exercise, As I've avoided that for months. Get my routines in order to create more time. Get a few more nights out with the girls. And make a bit more effort with my appearance, since lockdown I've definitely gone a bit more slobby. If anyone else has mastered self love, feel free to ping out ideas. I've seen the suggestion of a counsellor, which is great but im not in funds for a couple of months so might try then.

Neither.

Mr B may always be fearful you will dump him again and that could cause problems

Mr A could stand on a rake and have his face rearranged so would no longer be attractive and his personality wasn't very good.

Look for lasting love with Mr C.

Neither A or B are going to work out in the long run.

I want some help, I want some support

Look for those things then.

Other people have a supportive partner and supportive family

Some do, some don't. You're singling yourself out as being 'different' and 'special'. You're bad at making decisions, for example, as if the rest of us get it all right all of the time. You don't have a partner, as if everyone else does. You don't have a supportive family, as if the rest of us do. Lots of other people are in your position too. You are special for other reasons, but not those.

You need to find the reasons you are special. You need to find where you shine. You're maintaining a house, and a family, and a career, and that's great, but it's not giving you what you want. If you want someone to support you, you support you, and I mean emotionally, not just practically. If you want love, you love you. You're looking at a relationship as a solution to your woes, but why? When has it been a solution to anything before? Why are you looking to a 'neverending cycle of failure' as the cure for your ills? Can you see how it doesn't make sense?

Yeah self love is a weird thing. I think maybe it usually just randomly clicks for some folk...

Like you'll be having a thought on route to a date or something like 'what if they don't like me?' and all of a sudden there's just this response there that never used to be. And its like 'So? Who gives a fuck? I like me'.

And then when you're going to these things in future...it's shifted to 'What if I don't like them?' xD

But either way it's not a problem because you know you're going to go home afterwards, have a bubble bath, hit the wine and watch your fave movie...and that person really has zero relevance (Well... unless you were planning on a good time not a long time with them that evening haha).

I think, scenarios where you've had your own back help. For example, right now you're saying NO to men who are not right for you. You're choosing you. That pretty cool. To be able to say 'You know what, lifes tough, but I've got my own back. I make healthy choices even when it's hard. For me'. So now that's something you can look back on and go "hey, I'm pretty badass. I've got this".

Like...looking at yourself as if you're your own little sister (or inner child or whatever) and saying 'hey, I'm not going to let you take any shit. You deserve good things. It's OK to be sad. I see you. But no settling for crap'.

Basically, having compassion for yourself I guess.

Neither. There were valid reasons that you decided both of them weren't a good bet.

Neither. Chose yourself.

The biggest gift you can give yourself is freeing yourself of this desire to be coupled up.

Be single, live your life, focus on your kids, work, family and friends.

Because once you are truly happy operating solo you won't compromise yourself for shit relationships.

I don’t know about Mr B but Mr A is a huge red NO to me. Anyone can be amazing when it’s easy to be amazing. Life gets in the way and stress is inevitable. If he broke up with you and treated you badly when stressed, well, welcome to the rest of your unhappy life. Attraction and lust wear down, in long-term relationships, loyalty and kindness are the winners. Stay away from Mr Passionate As Long As He’s Not Stressed.

Oh God. Leave them both alone and build yourself a fun and interesting life where you'll meet all sorts of people doing things you enjoy.

If either of them was the man for you, there would be no question in your mind. It hasn't worked with them before and it probably wouldn't a second time.

A and B would both be poor decisions.

Agree with some PP's- neither! Why do most women seem to think that when it comes to relationships, there's only two options: The man who you have uncontrollable lust for and great sex, but treats you like shit, or the nice, reliable, practical man who can give you a stable life but there's no passion or attraction?! Ditch them both because with either of them you'll soon become resentful- learn to be comfortable in your own company and wait for the 100% right man, because believe it or not you really CAN have the full package! Much love going forward x

P.S 40s is NOT too old to start again!

Neither of them are the man for you. There are other men out there who can give you what you need.

Neither?

Mr A has a million red flags but lust makes you blind to those I guess and then you reminisce through rose-tinted glasses.

And you’d just be using Mr B which is incredibly cruel as it sounds like he has proper feelings for you.

What about Mr C? The one you meet by accident whilst you’re happily single and getting on with your own life and have stopped sounding co-dependent and desperate.

Or maybe take up dating as a hobby and date Mr D, E, F and G… all at the same time.