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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says I never want to do anything

67 replies

CatGrins · 12/08/2023 13:04

Basically I'm boring! I mean he's not wrong, I just like relaxing.

We got back from holiday yesterday, I drove (4.5hrs) and when we got home, the kids and I emptied the car and got the laundry going and he popped to the supermarket to get dinner and a few bits. By 9pm I was ready for bed and I could tell he wasn't amused, it was the first time we'd been alone in a week. This morning he says I didn't do much on holiday with him and 'just sat around'. He's right I did! He likes swimming, playing snooker with the kids, using the sauna, going for walks. I just sat by the pool, watched the snooker etc etc.

We go away again next week on an annual trip with friends and he's already pointed out all the things I won't be doing (visit the farm shop, walk to the beach, play cricket with the kids)... he's right!

I'm super unfit which is a large part of the problem but also, I just like relaxing! I know he's right but how do I change?

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 12/08/2023 13:06

Of you don’t enjoy the same activities that’s fine . You don’t need to change and neither does he .
you don’t have to do everything together .
it might be nice of you did some things together though !

Lentilweaver · 12/08/2023 13:08

Get fit? Though I wouldn't be expecting anything of a person who had driven 4 hours.

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 12/08/2023 13:08

You make it sound like he is entertaining the kids on holiday whilst you’re sat on your arse. I’d be annoyed too.

Dotcheck · 12/08/2023 13:09

Perhaps plan to be part of an activity every day, plus schedule in rest time.
It sounds like you’re dumping all the holiday parenting on him.

Lentilweaver · 12/08/2023 13:09

Couldn't you at least walk to the beach?

MumHereAgain2023 · 12/08/2023 13:10

Why change, you are you and that's fine he needs to accept that. Maybe say something before the holiday so he doesn't nag you.

MumHereAgain2023 · 12/08/2023 13:10

Otherwise LTB Blush

TomatoSandwiches · 12/08/2023 13:10

I wouldn't expect anyone to be up to much after that drive but the rest is a bit concerning, are you depressed?

wayyour · 12/08/2023 13:13

I'm super unfit which is a large part of the problem but also, I just like relaxing! I know he's right but how do I change?

Get fit if you think that will help your tiredness and reluctance to join in anything active. Try a daily walk, or couch to 5k to start. Online exercises (shorts) or a gym class.

ChristmasFluff · 12/08/2023 13:14

I think you are confusing 'relaxation' with endless rest.

Of course, after a long drive and unpacking etc, you will be tired and resting is totally appropriate. But if you'd joined in some of the holiday activities, he'd not be so desperate to spend time with you.

Gentle swimming and playing with kids in the pool is really relaxing! As is walking along the beach or climbing a mountain - and yes, he will need to compromise too, and adjust to your pace.

At the moment, you are not engaging in life - I promise you life is more rewarding when you do.

All you need to do to change is to start joining in!

Mouthfulofquiz · 12/08/2023 13:15

I can see both sides here. It does sound a bit like you are opting out of occupying the kids on holiday as your need to ‘relax’ takes over. If you did a bit more then you would be fitter. Don’t be the parent that your kids remember as the one that didn’t want to do anything with them!

Lentilweaver · 12/08/2023 13:16

I am not great at sports, so might not play cricket, but not even getting in the pool or walking to the beach is not relaxing. It's doing nothing. And I'd question what the point of the holiday was.

LoveThisUsername · 12/08/2023 13:16

Do you leave him ro do everything while you sit about doing nothing?

BusterGonad · 12/08/2023 13:18

I'm super unfit too, but on holiday me and my husband walked along the beach almost everyday, it gave us time to talk away from our son and helped us bond again. It was quite tiring at first but it was worth it for the great feeling it gave me. I felt better in myself and I got a lovely tan. The added bonus is that when I got home I had lost a stone in weight and definitely looked less bloated and had more energy. I'm trying to keep up the walking as I feel so much better in myself, even today I did a 14,000 step walk!

TellingBone · 12/08/2023 13:21

When is it his turn to sit around doing nothing while you play with the kids?

WilkinsonM · 12/08/2023 13:21

Try joining in??

AHugeTinyMistake · 12/08/2023 13:26

Agree I wouldn't be fussed about an early night after a long drive, sorting laundry and cooking dinner.

However the holiday isn't relaxing, it's doing nothing. You should have made an effort to join in. Maybe not everything, but one activity a day isn't a lot to ask is it?

Your kids and husband would have appreciated it. You won't get fitter by sitting on your bum, you have to do things to make it happen.

riotlady · 12/08/2023 13:26

Can’t you compromise and try and do one activity a day and then spend the other half of the day relaxing? I’m thinking of your kids as well as your DH, it would probably be nice for them if you joined in swimming and things. Are you really just sitting there while he does everything with them?

rookiemere · 12/08/2023 13:26

For your own sake it does sound as if you need to address your own base fitness. I'd say just start walking more. Use a step tracker to monitor what you're doing and gradually try to up the numbers.

It's fine wanting to relax on holiday- I recently posted how DH likes to be up and about all the time including evening drinks, and I simply don't - but it's worrying if you're not able to walk to the beach or take part in simple activities.

Niftyswiftie · 12/08/2023 13:28

So you literally just want to sit there? Why wouldn't you want to go to the farm shop? Surely it's not that much effort. Do you not enjoy doing activities with your children? Your husband must be knackered.

oviraptor21 · 12/08/2023 13:31

4½ hours is hardly long. It's like one third of the day. I'd be worried that you have so little energy. Have you had blood tests done recently? Are you just run down from working full time/overtime/childcare? Certainly exercise could be good for picking up your energy levels but I would check there is no underlying issue first.
And agree with PP - it sounds like you checked out of childcare. I hope you do step up sometimes to give your DH some time off, and also so you can show your DC that you enjoy doing things all together.

RhymesWithTangerine · 12/08/2023 13:33

Is this a reverse? You sound unappealing.

Obviously the issue is you are wildly unfit and possibly depressed?

I wouldn’t want my DC to see me so de motivated.

TruthRevolution · 12/08/2023 13:35

It's a balance. Sometimes you do have to get on and do things on holiday because the kids like it.
Swimming, parks, beaches etc are all just part of family life.
It's also important to relax after you've been out and about.

frozendaisy · 12/08/2023 14:00

How do you change?

You think going for a walk to the farm shop as something to do during a long day a chance to walk away from chores.

You think bobbing about in a pool with the kids is part of your day, you use the time to build up fitness, one width of breast stroke, perhaps another one.

You sit in a sauna and use the time to breathe try and empty your mind mediate and enjoy your body being relaxed and hot.

Instead of going round and round the same day doing chores, feeding the kids, watching snooker.

You just do some stuff.

Walking gets you fitter.
You build up.

You walk, watch your kids play, join in, and start to get fitter at the same time. It should be a win win all round.

NewYorkFirstTimer · 12/08/2023 14:04

I'm so fucking glad to be single. Reading this shit on here every day doesn't half make me feel relieved! All this compromising bullshit. Who the fuck can be arsed? I'll die alone but so what at least it'll be in fucking peace ✌️