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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says I never want to do anything

67 replies

CatGrins · 12/08/2023 13:04

Basically I'm boring! I mean he's not wrong, I just like relaxing.

We got back from holiday yesterday, I drove (4.5hrs) and when we got home, the kids and I emptied the car and got the laundry going and he popped to the supermarket to get dinner and a few bits. By 9pm I was ready for bed and I could tell he wasn't amused, it was the first time we'd been alone in a week. This morning he says I didn't do much on holiday with him and 'just sat around'. He's right I did! He likes swimming, playing snooker with the kids, using the sauna, going for walks. I just sat by the pool, watched the snooker etc etc.

We go away again next week on an annual trip with friends and he's already pointed out all the things I won't be doing (visit the farm shop, walk to the beach, play cricket with the kids)... he's right!

I'm super unfit which is a large part of the problem but also, I just like relaxing! I know he's right but how do I change?

OP posts:
Dery · 12/08/2023 14:11

You do sound like you’re just opting out of family life, OP. Not sure how old your DCS are but you should be doing stuff with them, not leaving it all to your DH. You won’t get fit doing nothing so it’s really important to start addressing that.

Scienceadvisory · 12/08/2023 14:18

Sounds like you have become really lazy and have opted out of parenting. It's not OK to make your husband do everything with the kids every day while you sit on your arse.

Surely those types of activity while on holiday (walk on beach, playing snooker etc) are relaxing? You seem to have confused relaxing with doing nothing.

Original poster
CatGrins · 12/08/2023 14:18

Oh wow! Wasn't expecting this... lots of wrong assumptions!

The kids aren't little, all teens and don't need us to entertain them or do any parenting in the way that small children demand. I've been there, done that and I'm a childminder so have always taken the main role in entertaining and looking after ours alongside my mindees. They require less of that now but I'm still around all the time for them.

I just don't enjoy the pool or more active games. I played board games, card games with them but this isn't DHs Cup of tea.

I also get up early 95% of the time with the dog whilst dh and the teens sleep in.

This probably sounds defensive now but feeling a bit attacked by the wrong assumptions that I'm a back seat parent or depressed and 'unappealing' and lazy.

OP posts:
Niftyswiftie · 12/08/2023 14:20

CatGrins · 12/08/2023 14:18

Oh wow! Wasn't expecting this... lots of wrong assumptions!

The kids aren't little, all teens and don't need us to entertain them or do any parenting in the way that small children demand. I've been there, done that and I'm a childminder so have always taken the main role in entertaining and looking after ours alongside my mindees. They require less of that now but I'm still around all the time for them.

I just don't enjoy the pool or more active games. I played board games, card games with them but this isn't DHs Cup of tea.

I also get up early 95% of the time with the dog whilst dh and the teens sleep in.

This probably sounds defensive now but feeling a bit attacked by the wrong assumptions that I'm a back seat parent or depressed and 'unappealing' and lazy.

What's wrong with going to a farm shop? Do you only want to do things that involve sitting down and not moving?

Peony654 · 12/08/2023 14:20

fair Enough after the drive, unpacking etc. but it seems unfair he’s doing everything with the kids etc. for your own health, can you try and be more active?

Peony654 · 12/08/2023 14:21

I’d be equally frustrated if I went on holiday with my DH and he just sat around the whole time. I think you need a bit more compromise

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 12/08/2023 14:25

Good grief - I like to relax too but the things you describe not wanting to do are hardly stressful or physically demanding! You don’t need to be fit to do a single one of them - you just need to be able to stand up/walk!

I’m with your DH on this one, I’m afraid.

ilovesooty · 12/08/2023 14:26

I'd want to relax if I'd been driving for over 4 hours but it sounds as though some compromise on the actual holiday might be helpful.

Autumnsoon · 12/08/2023 14:27

You don’t need to change
you sound fine as you are

Oblomov23 · 12/08/2023 14:27

This thread is interesting. How people view the OP. Feels unfair. I like to do nothing. I would've gone to farm shop, walk along beach. I like taking ds's to a waterpark. I like scary rides. But generally I do very little. It's never bothered me.

Lentilweaver · 12/08/2023 14:28

If they are teens, I would enjoy the last few years with them before they completely blank you! Mine are late teen and older, and don't want to do anything with me.

Oblomov23 · 12/08/2023 14:30

Just seen OP's 2nd post. I agree. The attacking her is nasty.

Like her, I too play chess, ludo, backgammon with my teen ds's on holiday. It's enough.

woodhill · 12/08/2023 14:30

I'm quite lazy but would have still gone out and about when the chance arose and gone in the pool

DeedlessIndeed · 12/08/2023 14:30

Is your husband concerned about your health? You can be skinny as a pole, but if you're as unfit as you say then he might be worried about you in that sense?

GiveOverRover · 12/08/2023 14:36

It sounds like your DH is telling you that he'd like to do more with you, rather than you be there as a spectator. It's possible to have loads of different interests and prefer to spend your time in different ways, and be happy, if you've got enough in common and enjoy each other's company in enough ways you're both happy with. If you both consistently "turn away' from the days' activities, and invitations to join in, favouring relaxing alone in a chair, what happens to the holiday then?

It does sound like you're on quite different schedules and have different expectations and maybe he's interpreting your opting out of activities as you opting out in a wider sense?

DeedlessIndeed · 12/08/2023 14:36

Or perhaps he is expressing that because you don't do much together, he isn't getting any of that feeling of "reconnection"?

Maybe he's feeling a bit bored of the relationship - you can't and shouldn't have to reinvent yourself, but maybe he's struggling with lack of spark? It seems he could be longing for things to be mixed up a bit?

MintJulia · 12/08/2023 14:37

In all seriousness OP, a couple of years ago I was tired all the time, falling asleep on the sofa at 9pm.

My dsis dragged me to a gp, then for a mammogram which showed exactly why I was so tired. Have you had a health check recently? It is not normal to be so lethargic all the time.

FlossOnTheMill · 12/08/2023 14:43

I am sorry you are feeling attacked, but it does seem that you have opted out, not only out of family life but life in general. Don't you enjoy interacting with your teens and your husband? What else do you do with your time besides 'relaxing' by just sitting around?

I don't want to attack you, but this is just so sad!!

Can you try to get fit? I promise you that you'll feel more energetic if you exercise regularly! Try Lucy Wyndham Read and Growingannanas on YouTube. Start with 10-15 minutes a day and go from there. You won't regret it!!

Ladyj84 · 12/08/2023 14:51

Sorry but no way would I not be doing things with my kids and hubby on holiday or not. Doesn't even sound like you try that much with any of them. Yes after a drive fair enough anything other than that your not even trying

UnfunnyJester · 12/08/2023 14:54

How unfit are you? Would you have liked to have done any activities if you physically could have?

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/08/2023 14:56

Sounds like you two need to figure out some things you enjoy doing together. It's not great news for the relationship if you have no overlapping interests.

Bearpawk · 12/08/2023 15:02

I can see both sides. He may be frustrated that due to being unfit you can't and won't join in with many normal family holiday activities - because when you're unfit it's exhausting. He may think you're lazy, to put in bluntly.
On the other hand, if you're doing all the house work/ cleaning/ cooking you deserve a rest. But not forever!

YouveGotAFastCar · 12/08/2023 15:02

We'd be incompatible because I hate doing nothing - which would probably be just as annoying for you! I'd probably have an hour or twos rest after a four-hour drive, but it'd probably be at the pub or something.

Have you changed since you got unfit? Is he complaining that you used to want to do things, and now you don't?

If you've always been this way, it seems an unfair criticism now, although I guess he's free to decide how he wants to spend his time. But if it's a change, maybe he's struggling with that. It was important to me when I was dating DH that I wouldn't drive him mad by liking to do things!

I don't love long walks; but he does, so we go sometimes. Couple of times. a quarter, if we can find good enough weather.

From your list for next week - why wouldn't you go to the farm shop? Or the beach? Swimming and cricket I can somewhat understand if you feel unfit; although I'd probably still do swimming; and I'd see how I felt about cricket on the day. You can always be the umpire; or provide the tea break 😆

Changingplace · 12/08/2023 15:03

CatGrins · 12/08/2023 14:18

Oh wow! Wasn't expecting this... lots of wrong assumptions!

The kids aren't little, all teens and don't need us to entertain them or do any parenting in the way that small children demand. I've been there, done that and I'm a childminder so have always taken the main role in entertaining and looking after ours alongside my mindees. They require less of that now but I'm still around all the time for them.

I just don't enjoy the pool or more active games. I played board games, card games with them but this isn't DHs Cup of tea.

I also get up early 95% of the time with the dog whilst dh and the teens sleep in.

This probably sounds defensive now but feeling a bit attacked by the wrong assumptions that I'm a back seat parent or depressed and 'unappealing' and lazy.

Fair enough if the kids don’t need entertaining but it sounds like you need to find more middle ground on some activities that you can enjoy as a family & with your DH if the kids are old enough to entertain themselves.

I think like your DH I’d be quite frustrated if my partner didn’t want to go anywhere on holiday at all except ‘relax’.

I’m not keen on water parks or sporting activities but I think a walk to the shops, to the beach or say a visit to a local landmark are pretty normal things to enjoy doing on a holiday, it’s as much about spending time with the people you’re with.

WotNoUserName · 12/08/2023 15:07

If you're unfit you won't get fit by sitting and doing nothing!

I'm not saying you should should start with a marathon, but a walk to the beach and the farm shop would be a good start.

I speak as a lazy person who does a lot of sitting around but has got fitter by walking, swimming and cycling in between the lazing! I'm a lot fitter then I used to be.

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