Wife’s affair and subsequent actions

[Dazedandconfusedhelp]

Hi all, I hope someone can give me some insight into my wife’s behaviour over the last few months (apologies for length, will try to be brief).

Two months ago she told me that she wanted to separate. This took me completely by surprise, because apart from the usual day-to-day drudgery of raising two young children, me working too hard and perhaps not giving her enough attention, I felt that things were good and getting better. We were making big plans for the future, and having regular sex.

For the six months before this, my wife had started to get close to a man she knows through her work. He’s a funny looking little chap, a little nerdy, and I just never felt threatened by him in the slightest. My wife is a stunner. When I saw inappropriate texts from him (you’re so special etc.), I discussed with my wife who assured me that they were just friends and she would deal with it. There were other signs that I guess I just chose to ignore, as I had complete trust in my wife.

After telling me that she wanted to separate, so she could be on her own, find herself, learn how to be happy again etc., my wife was very keen that I move out of the family home asap. Following advice from family, who said I should give her space, I moved out quickly into a house nearby.

A week or so later the OM’s wife comes to my work to talk to me. She told me everything; that my wife and her husband have been secretly seeing each other for months, and that he is now sleeping at my house every night (less than a week after I moved out), with my children in the house at the same time (they don’t know he is there).

I was obviously incredibly upset and told friends and family what was happening. My wife instantly became an entirely different person; cold, cruel, incredibly hurtful. She makes threats. She bad mouths me to friends and family. She says that the OM is her soulmate, that he knows her like no one else in the world and that “it’s like they are the same person”. She is palming our children off on anyone that will have them and going on trips with OM (I don’t think they can go out in public where we live), and I suspect spending a lot of our money doing so. Just acting like an irresponsible teenager.

At the same time, she still drops small hints that she still loves me when I see her, but shuts down any hope of reconciliation when I raise it. She refuses to engage with me on divorce, finances etc. but asks me for money to help pay the mortgage and bills. I am paying the statutory child support.

More recently I’m seeing signs of the “old” her coming through and she gets a bit teary when she talks to me, but still absolutely refuses to admit to having an affair.

There is a lot more (rather horrific) detail I could give, but I’ll leave it there. I’m in therapy which is helping, and have my children for a few days a week (around work) which is my only joy right now.

Does anyone have any ideas as to what is going on with my wife?

Thanks
Dazed and Confused

Not really sure what the therapy but is about - how can people understand without knowing and then able to help? I don’t understand how that forms part of your post. I hope that makes sense.
if I may be brutal which I really hope helps. Sounds to me like your wife is having an affair. Definitely doesn’t want to get back with you but the teary bits are probably genuine sadness that your relationship is over. It’s really hard if you have had a good ish relationship with someone but split up. But sometimes things just happen so maybe if like you say you weren’t there enough, you kind of grew apart a bit? I don’t know.
i think that’s pretty much it. I would just try your best to accept that it is over and try to focus on yourself. Whatever you do, please don’t get butter. Try and think of your kiddies. Make nice plans with them and have some fun. Best wishes

She refuses to engage with me on divorce, finances etc

Doesn’t matter, see a solicitor and divorce her,

For a better analysis we need more context please.

She is using you . Please contact a solicitor , stop paying the mortgage for now and consider getting residency for your children since she clearly is not interested in being a good mother . What sort of mum moves a new guy in their children home after a week !

She doesn't need to engage about divorce. You don't need her agreement. Go and see a solicitor.

See a solicitor and protect your own interests. She's treating you appallingly. Sounds like you need to accept the marriage is over and move on with your life, but you definitely need to make sure she doesn't try to shaft you by wanting more than she has a right to in terms of custody of your children and finances

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Moving that man into your family home is beyond disgusting.

Her behaviour is typical of a cheat who is still wrapped up in the affair. She is not remorseful and you have no choice but to move on. Please try to discuss children abs finances only and not engage in anything else.

I totally agree with the previous posters saying you’re in a stalemate and need to proceed with divorce. You don’t need her agreement.

Can I make a suggestion to access the Surviving Infidelity website. They have a just found out and separation and divorce forum and both of these would be a perfect place for you to get experienced ongoing support. The moderators on there are brilliant and will be able to guide you through.

I’m guessing the therapy is for trauma from the affair, if so, I hope it’s helping. This stuff is hard to get through but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope this is a fake post just to rile up the mum's on here!! If not please take my words in the way they are intended.

Using your own words, your wife has been deceptive, cold, cruel, immature, hurtful and kicked you out the family home, while she sleeps with her married lover (while your children are in the house). Yet you're hoping to reconcile?!

I'd have absolutely no respect for any man that acted like a doormat, and worshipped me, even when I'm being unfair and cruel.

If you really do hope to salvage this relationship, start acting with some self respect..and maybe she'll once again see the man that she once fell in love with.

Can I ask about the lack of attention?

I was your wife, my DH spent the best part of 3/4 years while the kids were hectic and young simply ignoring me, I didn't notice fully, I was running round after the kids, keeping busy with work and also having sex with him, so on the surface everything was fine.

Basically a guy also geeky, and a family friend messaged me told me I was amazing, a fantastic mum, I was beautiful and he really admired me from a distance.

That was it, that was all I took, it was a gradual drip feed of compliments, laughing,, having someone giving me attention for being me, listening, talking, chatting, sharing..

The more we spoke the more I noticed that my husband treated me literally like a piece of furniture.

Hindsight is a great thing, she will regret this but I can kind of imagine right now she's being love bombed, is enjoying the attention, boosting her ego and totally wrapped up in the drama she has created.

From my side it was a dick move, I should have noticed talked to my husband and put my energy in him, but I'd stacked up some resentment and delighted in hurting him back.

It's a complex mix of hormones, boredom, stress and resentment that cumulated in me being an arsehole. I make no excuses for my actions and I loved every single minute of my time with the OM.

You have a choice here, understand why she's doing this, work with her and rebuild.

Or divorce her.

Only you can set your boundaries and only you can decided if she is worth fighting for. Trust me she potentially wants you ti fight for her.

Can you imagine if the reverse of this was posted on a thread about a man cheating on his partner and moving the AP in

Try and find "the script" on MN
That's what's happening...

So sorry you're going through this.

@YRGAM yes I can and I understand their arse would be handed to them on a plate.

Start divorce proceedings. Move back into the house ensure you are taking good care of your children.

i wouldn’t be making it easy for her to screw OM in the home presumably you’re jointly pushing towards.

She is a pretty horrible person. A husband not giving his wife enough attention or a wife not giving her husband enough attention is not a reason for cheating. With young kids, most husbands and wives feel they are on the back burner. She is just a bad person who made selfish choices.

Get the divorce ball rolling. THe strining you along, denying the affair, bringing a new man into the house for sex with her kids at home are all signs of who she really is. You often see the LTB on here when men cheat and that applies here too, leave the bitch.

Don’t stop paying the mortgage! You and your wife will end with crap credit. Do see a family law solicitor and start the divorce and financial separation process.

Thank you all for your responses - it really does mean a lot. Yes the therapy is to deal with the trauma of my life changing so much over only a couple of months. Like I said, I trusted my wife completely and she has just turned into a complete stranger. I went through a really bad month where I couldn’t eat, sleep, or really do anything. Lost 5kg in 5 weeks. Had to call the mental health hotline once just in floods of tears because I couldn’t handle all the feelings. My kids are the only thing stopping me from doing anything silly.

I’m pleased to say that I’ve already had a meeting with a local solicitor (the best in town), and have an individual mediation meeting set up for next week. My wife doesn’t seem interested in dealing with any of that though. All she seems to want to do is see her new man. Thanks again all, really great to see that I’m not completely mad for thinking she is out of order!

Divorce her now before you and OM screw you over for everything you've got, Go for joint custody of the kids. Don't look back

She and OM, obvs

reallyunderstandsometimes - yes you’re completely right. I’ve been much too focused on work and the children, which is what I thought she wanted. I didn’t give her enough attention and I failed to care for our marriage.

The OM is lovebombing her, telling her everything she wants to hear and taking her away to fancy hotels etc. I can’t compete with that because none of it is real. In the real world we have two kids, a mortgage etc. I earn good money but the last few months have decimated my savings! She’s in a fantasy land.

You’re right that I need to stop being a doormat, but it’s hard when all I want to do is give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be OK. Aarrgh.

I know those feelings well. I’m so glad you got therapy relatively quickly. Promise it all does get easier day by day.

Glad to see you’ve got a solicitor, it is pretty typical of those involved in affairs to absolutely switch off from life. In my opinion it’s almost like an addiction it becomes all consuming to them.

Please don’t try and ‘fight for her’ as a previous poster suggested, this will only erode your mental health even more. You did not deserve this, paying someone ‘less attention’ is no excuse for what she has done to you and in turn to her family unit. She could have talked to you, she could have expressed giver feelings, instead she chose to do something utterly despicable.

Please know that what you're feeling is completely normal.
I've been where you are as have many men and women.

It's like a bomb has exploded and you're now having to deal with thr aftermath.

It's crushing and heartbreaking.

It's really good that you're seeing a therapist.

Your wife feels like a stranger because that's what she is and its very painful to come to terms with that.

It's like she's been abducted by an alien and the person you've known no longer exists.

I've never had an affair so don't know what it's like, but it's like they are possessed.

Please take good care of you now, confide in friends and family.

This is THE time your children will need you most because from what you've said, your wife has gone crazy and is clearly not putting her children's needs first.

Your love for your children will carry you through this!

And please don't feel like you are to.blame for her actions. Raising a family is hard, but it does not excuse what she has done and how she is behaving now.

Cry if you need to, be smart and don't let her play you for a fool for another second.

Get your armour on, you will likely need it!

All the best!

Divorce her and ask for split 50/50 custody.

I'd be staying in my home with my kids. She doesn't want space she wants a base for her and the om. Go home to your children. She can leave.

Yes good advice
Exposing your children to her affair partner this early with everything that's going on... not good