Wife’s affair and subsequent actions

[Dazedandconfusedhelp]

Hi all, I hope someone can give me some insight into my wife’s behaviour over the last few months (apologies for length, will try to be brief).

Two months ago she told me that she wanted to separate. This took me completely by surprise, because apart from the usual day-to-day drudgery of raising two young children, me working too hard and perhaps not giving her enough attention, I felt that things were good and getting better. We were making big plans for the future, and having regular sex.

For the six months before this, my wife had started to get close to a man she knows through her work. He’s a funny looking little chap, a little nerdy, and I just never felt threatened by him in the slightest. My wife is a stunner. When I saw inappropriate texts from him (you’re so special etc.), I discussed with my wife who assured me that they were just friends and she would deal with it. There were other signs that I guess I just chose to ignore, as I had complete trust in my wife.

After telling me that she wanted to separate, so she could be on her own, find herself, learn how to be happy again etc., my wife was very keen that I move out of the family home asap. Following advice from family, who said I should give her space, I moved out quickly into a house nearby.

A week or so later the OM’s wife comes to my work to talk to me. She told me everything; that my wife and her husband have been secretly seeing each other for months, and that he is now sleeping at my house every night (less than a week after I moved out), with my children in the house at the same time (they don’t know he is there).

I was obviously incredibly upset and told friends and family what was happening. My wife instantly became an entirely different person; cold, cruel, incredibly hurtful. She makes threats. She bad mouths me to friends and family. She says that the OM is her soulmate, that he knows her like no one else in the world and that “it’s like they are the same person”. She is palming our children off on anyone that will have them and going on trips with OM (I don’t think they can go out in public where we live), and I suspect spending a lot of our money doing so. Just acting like an irresponsible teenager.

At the same time, she still drops small hints that she still loves me when I see her, but shuts down any hope of reconciliation when I raise it. She refuses to engage with me on divorce, finances etc. but asks me for money to help pay the mortgage and bills. I am paying the statutory child support.

More recently I’m seeing signs of the “old” her coming through and she gets a bit teary when she talks to me, but still absolutely refuses to admit to having an affair.

There is a lot more (rather horrific) detail I could give, but I’ll leave it there. I’m in therapy which is helping, and have my children for a few days a week (around work) which is my only joy right now.

Does anyone have any ideas as to what is going on with my wife?

Thanks
Dazed and Confused

This. Massive safeguarding issue right there. Protect your children and yourself.

This is just showing you who she has actually always been unfortunately. She has just chosen to hide it from you. Find your anger, and protect your kids! Move back in, she can't stop you! That should put a haste to her gallop. Why should you have to pay rent to enable her to shag her nerd in your home? With your children present? Just no!

She may be stunning on the outside but is definitely not on the inside. You could never trust her again. You need to try to distance yourself, hard as it might be.

I feel for you. It's a horrible situation. You need to look after you and the kids. Let her look out for herself. She is not on your 'team'!

You could literally be my DH 10 years ago(way before I met him). His ex did exactly this, moved the man in the very same day. The kids despise both their mum and the OM still even now. They’ve never forgiven her.

I agree she’s behaved appallingly and you should lawyer up
and also get your home sorted and contact with the kids

im sorry right now it totally sucks and you miss her and are hurting

this won’t last forever feeling this crap

but given her behaviour is distance self and focus on rebuilding your life

I ask her to leave the house and tell her you want to live there with the children, it sounds like you'd do a better job and if she refuses I'd seek legal advice to get custody of my children.

Only on MN would people ask the man whether he was neglecting his wife and that they needed more context.

No. You don’t. I’m sure that there are women on MN who haven’t given their husbands much attention and they’ve had an affair as a result. Doesn’t justify it though. And there is absolutely 0 justification for having the OM sleeping under the same roof as the children within days of the OP moving out.

OP I would move back into the family home. Seriously I would.

Tell her that it’s your home as well and that you’ve decided to move back in.

And then start the ball rolling on the divorce.

Shocking double standards here, no excuse for the affair and behaviour because of a lack of attention. A man who said that here would be ripped to shreds.

You need to stop approaching this emotionally and now start being very matter of fact. Your wife has very little feeling towards you and your children it seems so why are you even entertaining her.

I'd focus on divorcing her and getting full residence of your children. Her behaviour is abhorrent. She is devoid of any remorse whatsoever so let her crack on and you sort out the finances and child arrangements accordingly.

"At the same time, she still drops small hints that she still loves me when I see her, but shuts down any hope of reconciliation when I raise it."

Thereby hoping to keep you just hopeful enough of a reconciliation to make her life nice and easy in terms of keeping the house and holding off in divorce.

Agree with the others, get back in that house with your kids.

Hey sorry you're going through this it's not fair.

My situation is not fully like yours, my wife is and can be fairly horrible and it was abusive I just didn't see it while I was in it. However, mine turned on me in an instant while I was ill and I had to remove myself to deescalate.

She led me down the garden path for a bit, manipulation started, confusing the children and I said enough. She took all our money, the house and is now withholding the children and I am now not legally allowed to return. Not seen them in months, no contact at all.

Protect yourself, your assets, house and your children. Not saying she will do this like mine has but I wasn't prepared and I'm currently being destroyed.

My mother put my father through this for two years. At the time everyone was befuddled by it but I now recognise it as the cake-eating phase of The Script. (See Chumplady).

I'm guessing your wife wants BOTH the exciting new lover and the security of the old husband. "Why can't I have you both!!??" is what she said to my dad. Having to choose is too grownup and busts her fantasy lovelife. My dad eventually bit the bullet and initiated the divorce but I think he wishes he'd done it sooner. Took him years to get over the cake stage.

Gosh this sounds so hard for you, OP.
Looks like you’ve got some great advice already on here. Look after yourself x

What is going on ?

Your wife has replaced you. That is really hard but you need to stare that fact in the face.

Her getting a bit teary on the phone doesn’t change that basic fact. Your wife is not a child- she has agency in this - stop making excuses for her behaviour.

Advice:

get legal advice and progress a formal separation and divorce. In the event she comes to her senses (and you think you can get over it) you can pause it.

be cordial in all communication-don’t act like a crazy person-something you write could come back and haunt you in custody proceedings.

She is not your friend- there are many men and women out there that thought “he/she would never do that to me” - and guess what - they get shafted by their ex…

judge her by her actions- if (a massive “if”) she wants to get back with you there should be be zero doubt- if she shows any signs of sitting on the fence keep going with separation

look up the 180

don’t drink - look after yourself

Honestly shouldn't have moved out.

Please get a solicitor and divorce your wife. Settle for no less than 50% custody.

Move back in.
Protect your assets.
Leave minimum money in account for bills/food/kids.

She can't be pissing savings away on her affair - unless it's her money.

So sorry you're going through this. It's awful. It will get better. Hang on.

Don't hope for her back. Let her go.

Hug.

This happened to someone i knew, but his wifes affair partner had his own wife. They didn't end up splitting so friends wife came back and wanted my friend back. I always wonder if they are happy after all that. Who wants to be 2nd choice

Move back in

Start divorce proceedings

Make sure bills are paid and the children are OK but do not leave lots of money in joint accounts

Make sure you have yours and the children's passports

Photocopy all paperwork, her payslips, her pension, mortgage etc

Move back in

Never ever consider restarting the relationship. She is horrible

This article may help explain a few things. (By a very seasoned marriage counsellor. )

You may divorce her or you may reconcile with her but for any (subsequent) healthy relationship you need to "get to work becoming reliably aware of what is going on in your partner. It is a cue to become aware of your own tendency to blindness and fix it

Our partners always make sense. Their behavior made sense. We were surprised. We didn’t see it coming, because we were not informed.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Her actions are completely unacceptable.

I'm so sorry but you need to wise up, start divorce proceedings immediately. You sound besotted, but her actions are not a woman who cares for you. Your self worth should tell you that you shouldn't put up with this. You don't sound like you are in that place mentally yet.

Move back in, its your house too, she cant stop you
and lets face it she got you to move out under false pretences.

If she doesn't like it, she can move out. You should be seeing your children every day.

This is true, that is your house too. She is taking you for a ride. Get that fucker out of your house and she can leave with him if that's what she wants.

Don't be like me waiting around for some sense to appear. All it takes is for her to turn nasty to secure her new life and legally block you from going near your own home.

Please for your own dignity leave this woman. She’s selfish and didn’t respect you. Why are you still entertaining it???

I've been through something similar although my ex moved out and in to a rented house with the other man 1 week after telling the kids it was over. Take back some control, limit access to your bank account/savings as your ex shouldn't have access to your money(clearly if it's shared savings this is slightly different), at the moment you are enabling her with access to your money. Move back into the family home and keep paying your mortgage but stop this guy coming over. Put your focus on the kids 100% and try to protect them from any of this as much as you can. Ask for 50/50 from the outset on the kids if your work can fit around it. They will be affected and it will impact heir own mental health. If you can get some counselling through your work healthcare provider please do it. Please also look at Andysmanclub.co.uk which also offers mental health support for men, please talk to someone as it is vitally important for your mental health. Talk to a solicitor about a divorce, while she is currently in weird state of lust with this other guy you can potentially get 50/50 without too much hassle(50/50:is the starting point). Do something for yourself, start a new hobby e.g. golf/running(couch 2 5k worked for me and reduced stress levels/ got anger out of my system). As others posters have said look at various websites about breakups and look up the rules on kids/CSA etc.
I totally understand this has been brutal on you but try to take back a bit of control over the situation.
4 years on from my brutal breakup I think I'm actually happier, get to see my kids more than my ex as I live closer to their mates and school, manage to to take them abroad every year on holiday creating memories. Have more holidays than I've ever had. I do more stuff than I've ever done and rarely say no to an invitation, I still have space in life for a new partner but am in no rush on that point. I think I'm happier overall.
Good luck with everything!

Her behaviour is outrageous. And I say that as someone who had an affair and then subsequently left the marriage- though not for the other man. I look back now and feel dreadful about what I did to my ex husband (regardless of his flaws) and guilt for what it did to him. Because of that I well and truly took my punishment, which I saw as being the price I paid for what I did. It was I who moved out of the family home. I agreed to 50/50 shared parenting immediately. I allowed myself to be pretty much shafted financially, something which will affect my financial well being for the rest of my life. Being in the affair fog is no excuse to behave like a monster

But it is her attitude and actions towards the children which is the most awful aspect of her behaviour. I would almost be separating that out. They have done nothing wrong at all but are having to suffer for all of this far more than they need to. It is never going to be OK for them that their parents split up but any half decent parent makes them the main focus in the aftermath of that, not their lover. They will be needing all the love, reassurance and time she and you have to give, not fitting in around their mother's love life. It is for their sake that I think you need to move back in ideally but at the very least spend much more calm and reassuring time with them as you can. Her treatment of you is objectively awful but when romantic ties end, to some extent all bets are sometimes off (not saying that's right but it's a common pattern). But the children are another matter entirely, that's where the focus should be.