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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband does nothing

56 replies

AlternativeFarm809 · 09/08/2023 11:06

Is anyone in a situation where your husband/partner/significant other does absolutely nothing to help?

I'm at the point where I just don't think I can cope anymore, he just does nothing to help me. I'll ask him to help clean or tidy the house or garden and its just a straight up no. He shouldn't have to do it basically because it's either "I'm at work today so don't want to have to do anything when I'll be working later" or it's a "It's my day off and I want to relax so why should I do it" yet I work too and don't have the luxury of saying I can't do XYZ because I'm working today or I can't do it because it's my day off and I want to relax. He doesn't even help to cook and flat out refuses to wash any pots once I've cooked.

It constantly ends up in massive arguments when I'm basically begging for some help to still be told no. He says when I can afford to put half the bill money in to the joint he'll do half the housework... but he gets paid five times more than I do so it's just not possible for me to do that right now!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/08/2023 11:08

So do nothing for him, no cooking, washing of laundry, anything for him. Certainly no sex! Lazy arse, does he need a maid rather than a wife?

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 11:19

What a horrible man.

I could t stay with a man who is so unsupportive and downright nasty.

What would happen if you broke your leg or were incapacitated with an illness?

You could be petty back and not cook his dinner or wash his clothes etc but that will be used against you.

Far better to say, 'You know what would make my life easier? I thought it would be you helping and supporting me but actually it would be you leaving as I seem to be such a fantastic job of everything, I don't actually need or want you.'

Bowbowbo · 09/08/2023 11:20

This is wrong in every way. He’s a married adult and therefore has to work AND look after himself/you. The amount of money he/you earns doesn’t come into it. I think you should seriously consider your options here, starting with making sure you can be financially independent as I’m afraid this situation cannot continue us into the long term.

Coffeaddict · 09/08/2023 11:21

Have a LTB

dreamingbohemian · 09/08/2023 11:22

I don't understand why you're still with him tbh, he sounds like a total jerk

RatherBeRiding · 09/08/2023 11:22

So don't cope - leave. It doesn't sound as though there are any children and he obviously has zero respect for you and views you as cook/house-keeper, and you work and earn your own money, so what's keeping you there? Please don't say you love him! I am constantly baffled by how low some women set their bars. Is a crap relationship really better than being single?

DRS1970 · 09/08/2023 11:24

Just stop doing stuff for them. Then when they moan about it, just parrot back the same excuses to them. There is no place for a person like that in this day and age. Relationships consist of partnerships, which means you share everything. What about your day off, or your personal time?

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 09/08/2023 11:28

OP he is showing you what he thinks of you - as well as telling you!!

He is never going to change. He has little respect for you. If you have any respect for yourself you'll leave. It's a huge upheaval of course but I promise you it will be worth it.

Dotcheck · 09/08/2023 11:31

Do you work full time? Have children?

I would just leave. There’s no respect for you there

Original poster
AlternativeFarm809 · 09/08/2023 11:35

We do have a child. I did end things around 10 years ago, but we obviously got back together. I do often think about ending it again but he does say if I end it it's me that has to leave and that's not doable at the minute.

OP posts:
EAP · 09/08/2023 11:40

Don't bother withholding sex. If men need it they'll get it. No need to put your own health at risk over a few wet towels on the floor.

weekfour · 09/08/2023 11:41

As above, what would happen if you stopped doing for him?
It would be very hard but would it show him how much you do?

MoonsHaunted · 09/08/2023 11:44

He doesn’t seem to understand that when you’re married, finances are joint. It sounds like he wanted a housekeeper and nanny not a wife.

SunnyFrost · 09/08/2023 11:45

Who owns your house? You can separate without leaving, it might be hard but he cannot stop you ending the relationship and taking what you’re entitled to eventually.

omgsally · 09/08/2023 11:45

EAP · 09/08/2023 11:40

Don't bother withholding sex. If men need it they'll get it. No need to put your own health at risk over a few wet towels on the floor.

What are you actually trying to say here? That if she doesn't have sex with him, that he'll go and shag someone else anyway? Or that she should shut up and put up and accept this lazy arse excuse of a partner and do all the domestic work herself?

And why DO people persist in saying help with domestic work? It's not helping. It's not her sole job to do with him helping.

WineIsMyCarb · 09/08/2023 11:46

Agree with what all other posters have said. Seek legal advice with regards " it will be you that has to leave". Fortunately, from a legal perspective, you are married so you have rights to shared assets, including property. Seek professional advice.

In the meantime, look after your own and your child's domestic needs.

Helendegenerate · 09/08/2023 11:52

It's not help though, it's doing his SHARE that he refuses. "Helping" indicates it is your job you would like him to lend a hand with. No it's not YOUR job to do it all. Sadly men like this rarely change. Good luck with how you go forward with this.

C1N1C · 09/08/2023 11:53

If he earns five times more... hire a gardener, cleaner etc using his salary?

mrlistersgelfbride · 09/08/2023 12:00

Not much advice here, but solidarity. I'm in a very similar situation, down to me having to leave if I wanted to split. I didn't have a second child due to him doing very little.

It's so frustrating when men think because they earn more they can opt out of housework and childcare.
I'm sure there are ways to split up if that's what you want. Someone will be along soon with some advice on this. It sounds like you would be better off.
It'd be easier without his dirty pots and clothes and bad attitude.
For now, look after yourself and your child.

I hope you are ok Flowers

dreamingbohemian · 09/08/2023 12:01

Get legal advice and find out what benefits you'd be entitled to if you did leave. It might be more doable than you think?

MaggieBsBoat · 09/08/2023 12:04

well you’re with him? Why? If it’s a financial thing, I get it, but that still begs the question…

why are you doing anything for him?
do things for you. Not him.

You make the bed you lie in. Leave. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. Why stay?

Kurokurosuke · 09/08/2023 12:20

What is the ratio of how you pay the bill? If pays more, at say 4:1 just do 4/5ths of the house work. Do most of the laundry, but not all (I’ll
let you choose whose clothes not to wash 😜). Most of the dishes…but not all. Cook a meal, but not quite enough to go round. Do most of the admin…but not quite. If he wants things to be “fair” make them fair.

Be petty.

(and then follow some of the advice from the grown-ups here on what to do long term)

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 12:22

Please think about the example this relationship is setting for your child. It's awful. You can leave.

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 09/08/2023 12:27

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 12:22

Please think about the example this relationship is setting for your child. It's awful. You can leave.

This ^
The example is that mum is a second class citizen, who is made to skivvy about. This man sounds vile. I'd personally be getting all financial info together and proof of his pay etc, and looking at what I'd be entitled to.

Is your name on the house? Why would you need to leave? Are you married ? Sorry if you've r said

HoodedLidsBeGone · 09/08/2023 12:29

Book to see a solicitor and see where you stand re money and the house. As you are married all things are joint assets which includes the house and your husband's pension pot. If you can find information on his pension that would be helpful.

The alternative is you stay and this is your life and the example you set for your child.

If you were my friend I would be taking you to see the solicitor and encouraging you to leave. Think about it, it would cut down the housework and cooking as you wouldn't be cooking for him or cleaning up after him and doing his laundry. You deserve so much more than this.