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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband does nothing

56 replies

AlternativeFarm809 · 09/08/2023 11:06

Is anyone in a situation where your husband/partner/significant other does absolutely nothing to help?

I'm at the point where I just don't think I can cope anymore, he just does nothing to help me. I'll ask him to help clean or tidy the house or garden and its just a straight up no. He shouldn't have to do it basically because it's either "I'm at work today so don't want to have to do anything when I'll be working later" or it's a "It's my day off and I want to relax so why should I do it" yet I work too and don't have the luxury of saying I can't do XYZ because I'm working today or I can't do it because it's my day off and I want to relax. He doesn't even help to cook and flat out refuses to wash any pots once I've cooked.

It constantly ends up in massive arguments when I'm basically begging for some help to still be told no. He says when I can afford to put half the bill money in to the joint he'll do half the housework... but he gets paid five times more than I do so it's just not possible for me to do that right now!

OP posts:
HoodedLidsBeGone · 09/08/2023 12:32

If you own your home it is a marital home. Seek legal advice immediately.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 09/08/2023 12:33

These are the kind of arguments I have - with my 13 year old.

I think that says it all really.

GoodChat · 09/08/2023 12:36

Do you work full time?

What's he like with childcare?

Fannyfiggs · 09/08/2023 12:43

Outsource the washing and ironing
Hire a gardener
Hire a cleaner
Order food in or hire a cook
Outsource any other household tasks
Tell him how much extra he needs to pay a month
Sit back with your feet up scratching your balls just like your lazy bastard husband

shortnotsweet1 · 09/08/2023 13:03

I know you've had lots of replies but I had to reply anyway! I was with my children's dad for 10 years and he did help a bit more than yours seems to...but it took alot of nagging and I did 90% of everything even though I worked and was responsible for childcare when I was off work. Most of my friends are in similar relationships where the woman does it all, the man works..relaxes..might hoover, cook or wash up once a blue moon. So I thought it was normal tbf even though it wound me up! Fast forward to now and I've been with my partner 2.5 years....I think he cooks & washes up more than I do! Yes he's not running round the house with the polish & duster, and I probably still do 60-70% of cleaning but the 30-40% he does without being asked and it's heaven! I can't tell you how nice it is to come home from work when he's booked a day off to look after the kids (who aren't even his!!) And he's tidied up, done some washing, washed up, hoovered. Don't settle for someone who treats you like a slave just because they earn more! There's men out there who know you juggle alot, and will help you. It's not even helping YOU, it's his house too so just as much his responsibility. X

billy1966 · 09/08/2023 13:09

HoodedLidsBeGone · 09/08/2023 12:32

If you own your home it is a marital home. Seek legal advice immediately.

This.

He doesn't get to decide.

Get legal advice.

Gather all paperwork together, his paysips, pension, back accounts etc.

Life might be far better on your own.

GoingInsaneAhhh · 09/08/2023 13:27

Its not doing housework to “help you” its to keep the home he lives in nice/clean/tidy

what a prick, sorry

do you do all the running around with childcare as well?

this will only get worse. You have a decision to make. Youve asked him to do his fair share and hes said no. Balls in your court.

MamFran · 09/08/2023 13:29

WOW what a prick

Screamingabdabz · 09/08/2023 13:32

You had a chance to walk away from this 10 years ago - why is it a problem only now?

You’ve allowed yourself to be the domestic doormat all this time - he doesn’t respect or care about you and both of you are offering a terrible role model to your child. I don’t think this situation will ever change. You won’t leave so any advice here is pointless.

Gettingbysomehow · 09/08/2023 13:38

If that was my husband he's be under the patio.

FartSock5000 · 09/08/2023 14:30

@AlternativeFarm809 go see a solicitor and get proper legal advice on what you'd be entitled to. Don't take legal advice from him or threats. You and the kids have rights.

Your partner doesn't respect you and if he can't respect you then he can't really love you.

Think about it. He is expecting you to work a job, do all the parenting, do all of the housework AND household management like appointments, repairs etc AND you aren't allowed to have any time off or to yourself.

His justification is that he earns more. BUT he wouldn't be able to work as he does if you weren't there doing everything for him! He'd need a nanny, cleaner, chef etc.

Honestly, your relationship is already over but you just haven't realised it. Your resentment and frustration will grow and remove all intimacy and trust and the love you feel will ebb away as you realise you are his skivvy and not a loved partner.

In the meantime, stop taking care of him. He can do his own meals, laundry, dishes etc. You take care of yourself and the kids. When he uses the "I make all the monies so bla bla" excuse you can point out that the only way he can do that is by you sacrificing YOUR career and time to the house and kids that you are both supposed to be equal partners on.

He's a pig and your life will be 100% better and more free without him. Hopefully you see that one day soon and can then really live.

Original poster
AlternativeFarm809 · 09/08/2023 14:56

Thank you everyone for your replies... I know that if a friend came to me and told me this I'd be encouraging her to leave... but it's always easier to say leave when you're not in the situation! I need to get my ducks in a row to get things rolling to get out, it's just having the mental capacity to do it with juggling the house, work and an asd child!

I think I just needed to know that I'm definitely not expecting to much by wanting some help to keep the house running.

OP posts:
Specso · 09/08/2023 16:45

He’s a twat. Sorry but anyone who has the attitude you’re describing about relationships and money and insists on ‘point scoring’ in relationships is just a twat.

Make preparations to get yourself in a position to end it and live a happy life without him.

kakacacao · 09/08/2023 16:47

If you can manage financially, dump him again.
If you can't manage financially or will struggle, then get a cleaner or hired help as he won't help.

Iamclearlyamug · 09/08/2023 16:47

C1N1C · 09/08/2023 11:53

If he earns five times more... hire a gardener, cleaner etc using his salary?

This! Can you say that either he does his share, or he pays someone else to do his share? Can't say fairer than that!

kakacacao · 09/08/2023 16:48

I will say though if you work part time and he full time, it's expected that you'll do more and since he earns so much more, hire paid help for the garden and cleaning.

GingerIsBest · 09/08/2023 16:52

Clearly he's a dick.

How are finances split? with this much bigger salary, that means he is oh so tired and can't do any housework or childcare, does he pay the vast bulk of the bills? Or, in fact, does he pay the mortgage and the core bills but, as seems to so often be the case, you'r left paying all the incidental expenses and anything related to childcare?

You could try billing him for childcare, cooking, cleaning - but if he is paying more of the household bills, he'll just tell you that then he'll bill you rent.

So yes, time to do the MN "get your ducks in a row". Id' start with a call to a solicitor to see what options you have.

ChristmasCrumpet · 09/08/2023 16:53

Fannyfiggs · 09/08/2023 12:43

Outsource the washing and ironing
Hire a gardener
Hire a cleaner
Order food in or hire a cook
Outsource any other household tasks
Tell him how much extra he needs to pay a month
Sit back with your feet up scratching your balls just like your lazy bastard husband

I love all the suggestions like this. Like it's that easy for her to access his money and hire all these people then hope he'll pay them. Even if they have a joint account, I bet he sees it as "his" money anyway.

rainbowstardrops · 09/08/2023 16:57

Well he's obviously a dick. Why are so many men around that still think we're in the 50s wrt housework and childcare???
I'd stop doing things for him and tell him he either steps up or you'll outsource a cleaner etc.
Honestly , don't stand for it!

AgnesX · 09/08/2023 16:59

Coffeaddict · 09/08/2023 11:21

Have a LTB

And another one. There's no point in trying to reason with this attitude.

NeverMrsAgain · 09/08/2023 17:07

ChristmasCrumpet · 09/08/2023 16:53

I love all the suggestions like this. Like it's that easy for her to access his money and hire all these people then hope he'll pay them. Even if they have a joint account, I bet he sees it as "his" money anyway.

Show quote history

Quite. This is a man clearly using his higher earnings to keep OP in ‘her place’, and to prevent her from leaving (as he won’t leave the house and he knows this is an obstacle to her leaving).

He’s hardly going to roll over and say ‘of course darling, hire all the help you need, that’s only fair.’

🙄

Djchickpea · 09/08/2023 17:11

Sounds like my ex-husband. He was an entitled cock too

Deadringer · 09/08/2023 17:15

He obviously thinks you are his employee. What an absolute arse, I rarely say this but I would ltb.

80s · 09/08/2023 17:33

He says when I can afford to put half the bill money in to the joint he'll do half the housework
I wonder what his earning power/health would be like if he had developed his career as a single parent fully responsible for childbirth, childcare, childraising and housework, as you have.

I hate it when women say "my partner won't help me" and then "helping me" turns out to mean the partner cleaning up after himself, feeding himself and raising his own children.

Thelonelygiraffe · 09/08/2023 17:40

Bloody fucking hell.

How have you stayed so long with this dinosaur?

Do NOTHING for him. And get shit hot legal advice.