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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told DH I want to split - now he's trying to be Mr Perfect

60 replies

BelindaCarlisly · 08/08/2023 19:13

How do other women cope when this happens?

DH has always been a controlling, selfish, deeply unpleasant bully. It's just taken me years to admit it.

I recently told him I want us to split. I am taking steps towards making it happen. I have spoken to a lawyer to understand my position, told my family etc but it's going slowly/nowhere as he absolutely refuses to accept that it is over, and I can't exactly just throw him into the street (tempting though that is!)

Now he's suddenly started acting like the perfect family man. Leaping out of bed to make the kids' pancakes in the morning, not drinking, coming home early for family dinners, (faking) an interest in my life, telling me how hot I look (it makes my skin crawl) - wherever I turn, there he is he, right beside me, cheesy smile on his face.

It is driving me insane. I do not for one minute believe he would keep this act up long term if I was to change my mind.

In fact the mask slip sometimes, and his real nature is on show - losing his temper and getting borderline physical with our kids, swearing at service staff, ordering me and the kids about and making up ridiculous rules for us etc .

But his 'devoted father and husband' performance makes it hard for me to follow through on the separation, as I feel guilty - I know this is exactly why is doing it, and he's totally delusional that he thinks he actually is a wonderful father and husband he told me this himself.

But he's spent so long controlling me it's warped my perception of reality.

I KNOW as I type this what the responses on here will be, and I KNOW rationally that I need to push on and ignore, and divorce him.

It's just in the moment, when he's doing his 'honey, I'm home! And I've brought flowers for you!' act, I end up feeling I can't have the conversation I was going to have about moving forward with the split.

Any advice really welcome, I feel like I am a prisoner in my own life.

OP posts:
Cluedup81 · 08/08/2023 19:22

By the sound of things, you’re doing everything right! You checked your legal standing, told him the situation and communicated with your family. If you are firm in your mind that you are done with him and it’s over don’t concern yourself with this temporary personality change; you know yourself it’s just an act. You’ve seen and experienced enough over the years to know the real him. Why does it take the threat of separation for him to start behaving like a decent husband? It’s because he wants to try and lure you back and it’s typical abuser tactics. It’s why so many women struggle to leave their abusive partners. The promise to change is so alluring, but after a period of time it does change again and you’re back to square one. Don’t let him guilt you; his behaviour (good or bad) is not his problem. You have to be indifferent now in order to get through this x

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/08/2023 19:25

The moment you agree to stay with him, it will stop, Keep reminding yourself. Additionally, the moment he realises you mean it, he'll start being as unpleasant as he can.

Just wait it out. It won't be long. Keep to your own plan and ignore his machinations.

VinEtFromage · 08/08/2023 19:33

Ok, you know he's faking, you know he's still the same arse!!

what is the next step in making the separation happen?

Original poster
BelindaCarlisly · 08/08/2023 19:41

@VinEtFromage next steps are, I think, repeating to him that we need to split up, and asking that he considers moving to his parents for a while. He will refuse, and say we are not splitting up.

At some stage in this farce, he will stop being nice/sad/in denial, and become a vindictive bastard, as @ChocolateCinderToffee said Additionally, the moment he realises you mean it, he'll start being as unpleasant as he can.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 08/08/2023 19:56

It just highlights how intentional the awful behaviour is doesn't it.

I did similar some weeks back and his problematic frequent moody behaviour miraculously stopped 🙄 All other problems remain the same though

rwalker · 08/08/2023 20:27

It’s 50/50 if it’s genuine or not
but sometimes the damage is already done

mildlydispeptic · 08/08/2023 20:36

Keep it up, OP. When in doubt, just keep reminding yourself that this is the kind of man who swears at service staff, and enjoy the short phase of pleasantness before he turns into Mr Hyde.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2023 20:40

Keep going, op, don't fuck it up now. You're getting closer to freedom every day.

Just know... As soon as it really sinks in that you are leaving him, and you are not changing your mind, he is going to get very, very nasty. If you think he was a bully before, you haven't seen anything yet. When it happens, you don't give him any reaction at all. Pretend like he doesn't even exist.

Lovemusic33 · 08/08/2023 20:41

My ex dh did this too 😬. We were together for 12 years, he wasn’t a great father to the dc, never came to appointments and rarely came out anywhere with us, we used to holiday without him, he was just a generally crap husband. I told him I had enough and wanted to split but he begged me that he wouldn’t change, for 2 weeks he tried very hard to be the person I wanted him to be but it was too late, I was already looking forward to him moving out, I didn’t love him anymore, the damage had already been done and tbh I was angry that he couldn’t have tried harder years earlier.

Original poster
BelindaCarlisly · 08/08/2023 20:57

@Aquamarine1029 I am scared of how unpleasant and nasty the unpleasantness will be.

And I think the longer he acts like the 'good guy', the more he'll feel justified in being an absolute bastard to me once he accepts that I mean it about the split

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 08/08/2023 21:04

Please see it for what it is.

He's still manipulating you....just a different form of manipulation.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2023 21:05

BelindaCarlisly · 08/08/2023 20:57

@Aquamarine1029 I am scared of how unpleasant and nasty the unpleasantness will be.

And I think the longer he acts like the 'good guy', the more he'll feel justified in being an absolute bastard to me once he accepts that I mean it about the split

Just keep going, op. You already know he's an arsehole. You've survived him this long, you can manage it, and this time it will be for good.

VinEtFromage · 08/08/2023 21:32

BelindaCarlisly · 08/08/2023 19:41

@VinEtFromage next steps are, I think, repeating to him that we need to split up, and asking that he considers moving to his parents for a while. He will refuse, and say we are not splitting up.

At some stage in this farce, he will stop being nice/sad/in denial, and become a vindictive bastard, as @ChocolateCinderToffee said Additionally, the moment he realises you mean it, he'll start being as unpleasant as he can.

@BelindaCarlisly is there a next 'legal' step you can take?

just repeating yourself is going to drive you insane!!

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 08/08/2023 21:34

I just filed for divorce and told dh a fortnight later... He was sleeping on ds's floor having been charged with drink driving.. Make concrete plans op. How old are your dc?

category12 · 08/08/2023 21:38

Push on, you know it's bullshit.

As for this And I think the longer he acts like the 'good guy', the more he'll feel justified in being an absolute bastard to me once he accepts that I mean it about the split - nah, he will feel justified being an absolute bastard whatever the circumstances of your split. Because how very dare you cross him in any way.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/08/2023 21:40

Just power yourself up with the fuel of "so he was capable of doing the good stuff all along and chose not to"

StickyProblem · 08/08/2023 21:40

So he knew how to be nice all along then, but was deliberately being mean....It's worse than if he couldn't help being an arse!

Trianglesandcircles1 · 08/08/2023 21:43

File for divorce. You can do this by going to see a solicitor, alone.
Then him moving out will be part of the financial settlement. Don't expect him to move out until he is legally forced to.

Do you own or rent?

Gowlett · 08/08/2023 21:45

Same here. I was crying in M&S toilets this morning before work. He’s asked me to give it one more go. Again. He’s stormed out, and come back a couple of times. I’ve asked him to leave more than once… He’ll say “make up your mind, we can’t have this back & forth going on!” not taking me seriously on my “please fucking get out” requests.
Our child is 3 now & is aware of bad times at home. I feel so bad & guilty about it. I’m a loving mum, but I’m reduced to a shouty mess by him, trying to defend myself. But he is going full throttle with Mr Nice Guy. He’ll be wanting all the sex next… I long to be free but I’m stuck now giving it another try. It will only work if I stay quiet & play along… What fun!

ThePoetsWife · 08/08/2023 21:48

Tell me about the borderline physical violence towards the DC.

The DC's well-being should be what is driving your decision to split up

Gowlett · 08/08/2023 21:48

As for being an absolute bastard when splitting up, I honestly don’t give a monkeys what he tells his friends & family about me. I’ll be free. I just worry that DS will then be alone with him during their time together. They have a laugh but bullying is his natural way.

WyrdyGrob · 08/08/2023 21:49

I know it’s easy to feel guilty…

but why the hell aren’t you fucking furious. He knows what a decent human being is, he knows how to do it, but YOU just weren’t worth his effort.

only now when the sex and maid services are being withdrawn he decides he can be arsed after all

fuck that

heymammy · 08/08/2023 21:55

Keep on keeping on, file for divorce and move out of the bedroom if you haven't already. Even if that means a mattress in the living room, moving out of the bedroom is a huge signal and will give you the space to keep going.

User63847484848 · 08/08/2023 22:01

My stbx did this. My counsellor said it was a common reaction and a standard stage in things but he wouldn’t be able to keep it up. She was right. It was horrible. I had to tell him a number of times that this was what I wanted, and it was too late for me and rheee would be no going back. Joint counselling helped a bit. He had real bouts of nastiness and abusive behaviour when he realised I was serious. It was awful and quite traumatic until I finally moved out with the children about 3 months after first telling him.

Anxioys · 08/08/2023 22:02

It's pathetic. He always had it in him and did not bother. Now he might lose, he's bothered.

It won't last because he doesn't care about you.