Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told DH I want to split - now he's trying to be Mr Perfect

60 replies

BelindaCarlisly · 08/08/2023 19:13

How do other women cope when this happens?

DH has always been a controlling, selfish, deeply unpleasant bully. It's just taken me years to admit it.

I recently told him I want us to split. I am taking steps towards making it happen. I have spoken to a lawyer to understand my position, told my family etc but it's going slowly/nowhere as he absolutely refuses to accept that it is over, and I can't exactly just throw him into the street (tempting though that is!)

Now he's suddenly started acting like the perfect family man. Leaping out of bed to make the kids' pancakes in the morning, not drinking, coming home early for family dinners, (faking) an interest in my life, telling me how hot I look (it makes my skin crawl) - wherever I turn, there he is he, right beside me, cheesy smile on his face.

It is driving me insane. I do not for one minute believe he would keep this act up long term if I was to change my mind.

In fact the mask slip sometimes, and his real nature is on show - losing his temper and getting borderline physical with our kids, swearing at service staff, ordering me and the kids about and making up ridiculous rules for us etc .

But his 'devoted father and husband' performance makes it hard for me to follow through on the separation, as I feel guilty - I know this is exactly why is doing it, and he's totally delusional that he thinks he actually is a wonderful father and husband he told me this himself.

But he's spent so long controlling me it's warped my perception of reality.

I KNOW as I type this what the responses on here will be, and I KNOW rationally that I need to push on and ignore, and divorce him.

It's just in the moment, when he's doing his 'honey, I'm home! And I've brought flowers for you!' act, I end up feeling I can't have the conversation I was going to have about moving forward with the split.

Any advice really welcome, I feel like I am a prisoner in my own life.

OP posts:
User63847484848 · 08/08/2023 22:02

And yes his sudden effort and personality transplant just served to make me feel more sad and angry that it turned out he could’ve done those things earlier (spent more time with the family, worked from home more, been more considerate etc) but just didn’t want to before

Original poster
BelindaCarlisly · 08/08/2023 22:29

a few people have asked questions sorry I’ve not got all the names

our kids are primary school age and we own our house

i think the next ‘legal’ step is the lawyer sending him a letter. That will go down like a cup of cold sick. I really want to get him to somehow accept I mean it, before he gets a lawyers letter

they advised that if he would move out voluntarily that would be best, then we could work through money and childcare arrangements.

his parents own various rental flats he could easily stay in rent free - he won’t.

the house will have to be sold , I accept that, just in the interim I’m going to have to put up with him, I can’t afford to rent somewhere with the kids

he has anger issues and loses his temper easily with the kids. He’s pushed and pulled them on occasion when they won’t comply eg if he wants them to change the TV channel and they mess around, he will pin them to the sofa while wrestling the control out of the hands and yelling at them. He doesn’t see this is a problem and I don’t trust my own judgment enough. When tell him not to treat them like that he says I’m exaggerating

@heymammy
good advice on moving out of the bedroom

OP posts:
Anxioys · 08/08/2023 22:35

I am glad you are getting rid of this coward who pulls and pushes your children.

category12 · 08/08/2023 22:43

See, pretending he doesn't believe you and ignoring what you say works for him. His displays of anger work for him.

It shuts you up and he's still in place. It's not in his interests to "accept" it.

category12 · 08/08/2023 22:43

And no, how he treats your kids is not ok or normal. Trust yourself.

frozendaisy · 08/08/2023 22:53

It's easy OP all you have to calmly emphasise is "too little to late"
Let's go forward positively for us and kids.

Blank the creepy new smile at your side shit. Tell him "oh god too creepy"

It's over OP. That's life. No Biggie

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 08/08/2023 22:55

Please don't feel guilty because he's being nice at the moment, all it is is another way of him saying that he doesn't respect your feelings. Anyone is allowed to end a relationship and people are entitled to be upset but they cannot refuse to separate. They can't emotional manipulate you, no decent person would.

I really feel for you. I have been there (although without being married).

And as already said (which was something I could never get through to my ex!), they can chose when to be nice. Why didn't he choose to do it with you? Why didn't mine choose it with me? Simply because they are bullies and abusive men.

Now your family know you can get support from them. Also get advice on what to do if he starts being abusive again, not sure if there is something that can be done about that to forceably remove him from the home until the divorce is settled? (There are MNetters who are experts on this so hopefully they've either already responded before me or will do!)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 23:28

The good guy act is so frustrating and what it proves is that he does 'know' how to be a good husband yet he actively chose not to be - hood that it mind

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 23:29

StickyProblem · 08/08/2023 21:40

So he knew how to be nice all along then, but was deliberately being mean....It's worse than if he couldn't help being an arse!

Yes

Gowlett · 09/08/2023 07:20

frozendaisy. It’s not easy. If it was just a case of LTB, then a lot of us would be gone without a backwards glance. The husband is the problem in most cases. He then makes it your problem. Not easy at all…

Seddon · 09/08/2023 07:28

BelindaCarlisly · 08/08/2023 22:29

a few people have asked questions sorry I’ve not got all the names

our kids are primary school age and we own our house

i think the next ‘legal’ step is the lawyer sending him a letter. That will go down like a cup of cold sick. I really want to get him to somehow accept I mean it, before he gets a lawyers letter

they advised that if he would move out voluntarily that would be best, then we could work through money and childcare arrangements.

his parents own various rental flats he could easily stay in rent free - he won’t.

the house will have to be sold , I accept that, just in the interim I’m going to have to put up with him, I can’t afford to rent somewhere with the kids

he has anger issues and loses his temper easily with the kids. He’s pushed and pulled them on occasion when they won’t comply eg if he wants them to change the TV channel and they mess around, he will pin them to the sofa while wrestling the control out of the hands and yelling at them. He doesn’t see this is a problem and I don’t trust my own judgment enough. When tell him not to treat them like that he says I’m exaggerating

@heymammy
good advice on moving out of the bedroom

It's a bit disingenuous to be on here asking 'how do I make him accept it?' if you're still sharing a bed with him! Are you also doing laundry, cooking etc. for him and otherwise acting as his wife in deeds if not words?

You don't have to make any big statements but you can definitely start backing off. And enforcing your boundaries, e.g. if he tells you look hot you reply 'please don't speak to me like that'.

mynamechangemyrules · 09/08/2023 07:38

@Seddon I think It's not purposefully disingenuous, it's self preservation after years with a bully. You go the path of least resistance to avoid the flare ups and thus the whole divorce in and of itself is extremely hard, and emotionally confusing, as you are used to 'keeping it calm'.

But @BelindaCarlisly- there's no way around it I'm afraid. Prepare your support team (seriously, they'll keep you housed and alive more than likely- mine had to clothe and house me in a foreign country for quite some time...), prepare your mind/ get mental health support ready too and then, I'm afraid, you have to throw that hand grenade into your own life and just make sure the blast is kept away from the children. Shit analogy but you get what I mean.

@Gowlett Please leave him. Your life sounds like mine. Hiding in shopping mall toilets crying because I couldn't leave but didn't want to return. Think of your DC's future life- my eldest two were bullied and manipulated by him as I left later than I should have for their sake- their own emotional development has been damaged by me staying and it's taking a lot of support to get them to move forward from it.

snowdropinwinter · 09/08/2023 07:54

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

ClementWeatherToday · 09/08/2023 08:29

@Gowlett He’ll be wanting all the sex next… I long to be free but I’m stuck now giving it another try.

You don't ever have to have sex with him again if you don't want to. You are allowed to refuse. Why do you feel stuck now, why do you have to give it another try? If you wish you'd got out yesterday then don't delay until tomorrow.

Gowlett · 09/08/2023 08:35

Thanks, CWT. I know what I have to do. You are right. I have a getaway fund. The house is rented by me. I do everything paperwork-wise for our child.

His father died recently, so I know that will be used against me. My mum said to give it six months, no sudden moves. That was six months ago. I’ve tried already…

Mmhmmn · 09/08/2023 09:04

Gowlett · 08/08/2023 21:45

Same here. I was crying in M&S toilets this morning before work. He’s asked me to give it one more go. Again. He’s stormed out, and come back a couple of times. I’ve asked him to leave more than once… He’ll say “make up your mind, we can’t have this back & forth going on!” not taking me seriously on my “please fucking get out” requests.
Our child is 3 now & is aware of bad times at home. I feel so bad & guilty about it. I’m a loving mum, but I’m reduced to a shouty mess by him, trying to defend myself. But he is going full throttle with Mr Nice Guy. He’ll be wanting all the sex next… I long to be free but I’m stuck now giving it another try. It will only work if I stay quiet & play along… What fun!

Sorry to see this. Don't do the sex and stop saying please. Can you get support from family or friends? What are your living arrangements - owning/renting/joint etc?

Mmhmmn · 09/08/2023 09:15

Gowlett · 09/08/2023 08:35

Thanks, CWT. I know what I have to do. You are right. I have a getaway fund. The house is rented by me. I do everything paperwork-wise for our child.

His father died recently, so I know that will be used against me. My mum said to give it six months, no sudden moves. That was six months ago. I’ve tried already…

Oh dear. Mums can be really rather clueless sometimes. She should be telling you and helping you plan to get him out of your life. Have you looked at contacting Women's Aid?

anotherdisaster · 09/08/2023 09:38

Please stick to your guns. i tried to split with my ex loads of times and was always drawn back in by the 'nice guy' act. It literally never lasted more than a week. They cannot and will not change.

Original poster
BelindaCarlisly · 09/08/2023 09:42

@mynamechangemyrules

The path of least resistance is a good description. As is the hand grenade!

It's so weird, when I talk to my friends and family IRL, or look at threads on mumsnet, it is so clear cut that I must leave him, he's horrendous and I'm so unhappy.

While he's insisting we're this great love story and he's a great guy.

When I speak to him, it's like I'm trapped between two different versions of reality - actual reality and his made up version.

But I've gone along with his made up version for so long that he is genuinely astonished that I'm saying I want us to split.

OP posts:
mynamechangemyrules · 09/08/2023 09:51

@BelindaCarlisly don't want to be a negative Nora but I'm 5 years post separation and I'm only just coming out of the shadows of his control. And not even very much. Just beginning to realise how the tentacles of it have spread into so many areas of my life.

But as my lovely (support team) friends have said- at least you're not living with the twat anymore!

Original poster
BelindaCarlisly · 09/08/2023 10:30

@mynamechangemyrules congratulations on having made it out! It's great you have a lovely support team too.

Can I ask, do you have children? As I know that makes it far harder to have a clean break, I'll be stuck dealing with my husband for the next decade.

I get what you mean about the tentacles of control spreading everywhere, without you realising.

Even small things like when I choose to go to bed - in my head I feel like such a rebel when I say 'no, I'm staying up to watch this programme'.

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 09/08/2023 10:48

This sounds like a horrendous situation and you have all my moral support. You know in your own head that you are strong enough to go through with this.

It looks likely that he will start being nasty again, whether its when he realises you are serious or when he gets legal letters, so I think you should keep a diary of every incident. It may be useful if he starts being difficult about access with the children or something, trying to say he was a perfect Dad for a few weeks, but conveniently forgetting that period when he goes back to being his true self.

billy1966 · 09/08/2023 10:56

OP, he is abusing your children by being physical with them.

Please call Womens aid for advice.

You are afraid of him and afraid for your child.

You need advice on that basis.

I would suggest you call 101 for advice too.

Your focus needs to be on your fear of him and what he is capable of.

Please also talk to your GP about your fears.

Keep detailed notes of every time he lays his hands on the children.

You can do this.

mynamechangemyrules · 09/08/2023 10:59

Agree with the keep a diary idea, your head might get befuddled by the stress and when you look at the list of ways he's behaved it makes it clearer.
@BelindaCarlisly I have 3 children 😳 I added the youngest child's 18th birthday to the diary a month or so ago (it's a very long way away...!) as a reminder that freedom of some kind will be complete then. I think my hardest realisation has been- it doesn't end completely. I wish I'd been more mentally prepared for the slog of co-parenting (I use the term loosely, there ain't no 'co' about his parenting 😂) with a bully. Some days I want to lie on the floor and wail... but I have 3 kids, a full time job and no money while he sees them here and there (never all at once as it's 'too intense') and rolls around in his wads of cash 😂... so I keep on keeping on and trying to remember that soul sucking feeling of being alone whilst next to someone. It is easier to be alone than to be lonely in a relationship. But it is hard emotionally and from a life admin perspective so zip up and get it started and you'll be somewhere comfortable emotionally for your child's start of school. There are no quick fixes but you can do this 💪🏼

mynamechangemyrules · 09/08/2023 11:00

Love that our overlapping posts both end with
YOU CAN DO THIS

You can and if, like me, you couldn't do it for yourself, then please do it for your children. It's the only way I could summon up courage to start.

Sorry you're getting a lot of stuff from me today.

Swipe left for the next trending thread