Told DH I want to split - now he's trying to be Mr Perfect

[BelindaCarlisly]

How do other women cope when this happens?

DH has always been a controlling, selfish, deeply unpleasant bully. It's just taken me years to admit it.

I recently told him I want us to split. I am taking steps towards making it happen. I have spoken to a lawyer to understand my position, told my family etc but it's going slowly/nowhere as he absolutely refuses to accept that it is over, and I can't exactly just throw him into the street (tempting though that is!)

Now he's suddenly started acting like the perfect family man. Leaping out of bed to make the kids' pancakes in the morning, not drinking, coming home early for family dinners, (faking) an interest in my life, telling me how hot I look (it makes my skin crawl) - wherever I turn, there he is he, right beside me, cheesy smile on his face.

It is driving me insane. I do not for one minute believe he would keep this act up long term if I was to change my mind.

In fact the mask slip sometimes, and his real nature is on show - losing his temper and getting borderline physical with our kids, swearing at service staff, ordering me and the kids about and making up ridiculous rules for us etc .

But his 'devoted father and husband' performance makes it hard for me to follow through on the separation, as I feel guilty - I know this is exactly why is doing it, and he's totally delusional that he thinks he actually is a wonderful father and husband he told me this himself.

But he's spent so long controlling me it's warped my perception of reality.

I KNOW as I type this what the responses on here will be, and I KNOW rationally that I need to push on and ignore, and divorce him.

It's just in the moment, when he's doing his 'honey, I'm home! And I've brought flowers for you!' act, I end up feeling I can't have the conversation I was going to have about moving forward with the split.

Any advice really welcome, I feel like I am a prisoner in my own life.

Thanks all for your advice, I've just spent the last ten minutes jotting down all the more recent incidents I can remember @MagpiePi

And no need to apologise @mynamechangemyrules , your messages are such good moral support.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this too, but there is comfort in knowing others know exactly what I am going through- -that soul sucking feeling of being alone whilst next to someone - oh yes, I know that feeling!

I also know how dealing with the children is 'too intense' for him, hence all the shouting, but yet somehow he also thinks he's father of the year

And co parenting with a bully...I am dreading the manipulation, of me and the kids.

God, I can't believe I've got myself into this situation!

My abusive exH laughed in my face when I told him I wanted a divorce. Then he made my life hell. I still went ahead with it and have no regrets. As for co-parenting, he soon gave up on that when he realised I would no longer engage with him and would not allow him to control me any more.

As from April this year, the "no fault divorce" has made divorce much easier. You can divorce on the simple basis that you don't want to be married any more.

These men don't change. They might make a big pretence (like mine did) until they realise they're not going to get their own way.

Don't waste your time, breath and energy trying to persuade him it's over.

Detach and be practical.

Move into one of the bedrooms.
Stop doing his laundry etc.
Find a shot hot solicitor with proven good outcomes for those in situations like yours,get the divorce petition filed.
Get3 quotes for the house for a "quick" sale.
Start claiming universal credit as a single parent -you are allowed if under the same roof so longs as you are living separately- no laundry, shopping etc.

He isn't going to do the fever or right thing by moving out so don't waste your energy trying to make it happen.

Tell your friends and family it's over and why.

Actually Co parenting an abuser is a no go imo. Will be a good example to your dc about having boundaries and not acting like he is your friend... Make it your goal to ring the police next time he is manhandling your dc. Or you standing there is telling them his parenting is OK. They will lose faith and trust in you op.. They need one decent parent. Make it you.

Get that divorce petition filed OP. I know it will feel like throwing the grenade in but the sooner you get the process started , the sooner you can get your freedom as it can be a long arse process. Stay strong and don’t let him manipulate you into feeling guilty about wanting to leave. This is his doing, his behaviour, not yours. Be detached, civil (for the kids), and don’t let him get into your head. It’s going to be a tough road ahead but the end will be so worth it!

I’m going through the same thing with my ex narcissist partner. It literally makes me feel sick when he’s trying to be a decent person because it’s so fake. The pathetic losers can only keep it up for so long.

That bodes well for having a civl relationship in future. He can be nice when it suits him.
Move as fast as you can on every divorce/split decision while he's not exhausting you emotionally and you can think straight.

I was in this scenario many years ago...it was truly awful and I sympathise greatly. I'd say stay strong because actions after the split and in the 20 years of "co-parenting" since I can say vastly outweighed the too little too late period.

@peanutbutterkid I hope he will be reasonable, long term. For the kids sake, I'd like to be able to jointly attend their events, for example, with a show of civility.

I know a former couple who show up to all their kids sports days, nativity plays, cricket matches etc together. They are very much divorced, but appear (on the surface at least) to be pleasant to each other and prioritise their kids.

But then I fear that @CBAanymoreTBH is right, and his pure selfishness and unreasonableness will make everything a shit show.

I strongly suspect he'll fight me tooth and nail for the kids, be a disney dad for a few months, then meet someone else and the kids will drop down his priority list.

How are you doing @BelindaCarlisly ?