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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Son and Partner

70 replies

Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 10:06

I need some honest opinions as I am in turmoil. So my adult son who is 23 is a disaster he really is but I love him and what help him to turn his life around. He can't hold a job down, has crazy relationships, terrible with money when he has it. I believe he needs help with his mental health.
Things came to head last month and he has moved back in with us temporarily as he was homeless( my partner is not his dad) they don't get on and never really have. I am in the process of arranging a phycologist which he has agreed to and we had agreed to try and give him one more chance.
But my partner has now given me a ultimatum that it's him or my son and wants him to leave immediately . My partner believes that you should always choose your partner over your children and if I asked a hundred people they would agree with him.
I know my son is an adult and should be sorting his life out but hate hate the idea of not trying to sort this out. Is my partner right should I put his needs over my son?

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 08/08/2023 10:10

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know the background of what has gone on with your son but I, personally, can't ever imagine abandoning a child even if they are an adult. I think its very unfair of your partner to give you this ultimatum but obviously I don't know all the facts.

Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 10:10

I’d never pick a partner over a child - and is someone issued me with an ultimatum that would be the end of the relationship for me

babybopella · 08/08/2023 10:10

Yes and no. I have kids but I don’t agree putting children first is best, I always think me and my partner need to put each other first, so we are happy and then the kids are generally happier and in a happier home! But, your sons an adult, and unless there is a massive backstory as to why they don’t get on beyond just not getting on, I’d say your partner is unreasonable. He shouldn’t be asking you to choose for a start, he could try and support you in helping your son. Why don’t they get on?

Sunnydays0101 · 08/08/2023 10:12

Immediately is far too harsh - unless your son is violent or bringing drugs into your home.

Would your partner agree on a 9/12 month time-frame? Who owns the house you live in ?

ClawedButler · 08/08/2023 10:12

Anyone who asked me to choose would be the one not chosen.

ShreddiesGirl · 08/08/2023 10:13

Who owns the house?

What problematic behaviours does your son have- drugs/alcohol/violence?

Can you afford to pay for your son to rent elsewhere?

FloweryName · 08/08/2023 10:16

Your partner is a prick.

There are plenty of shitty selfish parents out there that do chose their partners over their children but no half decent parent would do it.

Parents would never be in a position to choose between a good partner and their child because no decent partner would put them there. A good partner would be supportive when an adult child is going though difficulties, not chucking out childish ultimatums.

Get rid of the twat and support your son.

Marblessolveeverything · 08/08/2023 10:24

No one I know would choose partner over child. In the wild animals prioritise their offspring to continue their genes.

The fact your partner gave an ultimatum would be the end of the relationship for me.

FrenchandSaunders · 08/08/2023 10:28

If you asked a hundred people the vast majority would disagree with him OP.

Your DS is still young and obv needs help, why would you turn your back on him and why would your partner expect you to do that, if he loves you.

When did you meet your partner and when did your DS start going downhill?

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 10:28

To answer a few questions, My son does not bring drugs into the house, (has in the past but not now) he have cut his drinking down to very manageable level. I own the house. On positive he has been helping me doing odd jobs cooking all the meals and generally following the house rules.
Until last week he did a terrible thing and took my car without my permission and did some expensive damage, I am beyond angry with him and he is remorseful and we agreed he would repay in work we have. I had agreed to set him up in a place on his once he has had seen the therapist and secured a job but now my partner wants him to go now.
I have said that my partner should be helping and supporting me but he takes the stance that he will never change but I can't give up on him.

OP posts:
Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/08/2023 10:33

WRONG!

My husband is my children's father, hss been an amazing life partner and dad and i would STILL choose my children over him.and i hope he would do the same.

I'm surprised you set up home with someone who disliked your son so much.

BetsyBobbins · 08/08/2023 10:40

Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 10:10

I’d never pick a partner over a child - and is someone issued me with an ultimatum that would be the end of the relationship for me

Yes, this.

anotherdisaster · 08/08/2023 10:43

Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 10:28

To answer a few questions, My son does not bring drugs into the house, (has in the past but not now) he have cut his drinking down to very manageable level. I own the house. On positive he has been helping me doing odd jobs cooking all the meals and generally following the house rules.
Until last week he did a terrible thing and took my car without my permission and did some expensive damage, I am beyond angry with him and he is remorseful and we agreed he would repay in work we have. I had agreed to set him up in a place on his once he has had seen the therapist and secured a job but now my partner wants him to go now.
I have said that my partner should be helping and supporting me but he takes the stance that he will never change but I can't give up on him.

It sounds like stronger boundaries need to be set with your son. Keep your car keys hidden from now on. I would also give him some target dates where he has to have achieved certain goals. But, I still would not force him to move out. Call your partner's bluff - let him leave if he is that bothered. I bet he won't.

Feverly · 08/08/2023 10:50

I don’t understand why you think the boyfriends drivel could be true. Penis is abundant and of low value, you could open your front door and find a new boyfriend within an hour. You put your kid that you chose to bring in to the world before your love life. Obviously.

Your son has made ridiculous choices, but that’s a separate issue to your bloke trying to make you discard your son. He is free to move out if he can’t cope with your son.

AmandaHoldensLips · 08/08/2023 10:51

So he stole your car and smashed it up. That's not great. It sounds to me that you are somewhat excusing and minimising his behaviour. Still, he is your son and I would always put my child above a partner.

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 10:51

I totally agree about boundaries. Over the past few weeks we have talked a lot about his future and I am very pleased he has agreed to the therapist. My keys will be secured away though I truly believe he would never do it again.. My partner thinks he is not sorry and only saying sorry to keep me happy ( not hat I am)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 10:54

amanda He did not smash it up I am def not minimising I think he actions are disgusting I really do. It has caused so much trouble for me. He really needs to come to his senses, lets hope the car thing is a wake up call.

OP posts:
HighHopesHeaped · 08/08/2023 11:09

You haven’t answered the question about violence?

If he’s not violent, your partner is grossly mistyping his place. I know of no one who would choose a partner over their own child. Partner’s come and go, your offspring are for life, all all the beautiful grand children you might enjoy.

Imagine your son turns his life around and a few years from, settles down and establishes a family.
Now imagine it is 20 years from now.
You had kicked your son out when he was vulnerable and in need of a hand up.
You and your partner have split up for reasons unrelated to your son.
Now you have no partner, no son, and possibly no contact with grand children.
This actually happens to people.

I know of no sane intelligent mother who would choose a partner over their own offspring.

HighHopesHeaped · 08/08/2023 11:10

Mistyping should have been misstepping

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 11:22

High No violence.
Lovely post and exactly how I think. I will not be abandoning my son and will do everything to help him get on the straight and narrow. I was just beginning to doubt my self, if my partner loved me he would support me 100%, I do understand it is difficult and he wont be living here forever. We had agreed a plan and now he has reneged on it and said my son has ruined my life.

OP posts:
Housefullofcatsandkids · 08/08/2023 11:23

ClawedButler · 08/08/2023 10:12

Anyone who asked me to choose would be the one not chosen.

This!

HighHopesHeaped · 08/08/2023 11:45

I’m relieved to hear this both for your sake and that of your son.
I’m not a great fan of those who try to break family ties.
I wish you and your son every success.

Maybe he just needs someone to believe in his ability to do well, and to give him some ideas, encouragement, and cheerleading.

Along with the therapy, find him a sport, activity, or local volunteering… or better yet, all the above - introduced one by one.

In my actual experience, bad habits or more efficiently shaken off, when replaced with better, and more importantly, more enjoyable ones. This is also what the research shows.

The most important element to emotional health and recovery is a feeling of connection to other human beings, and being busy with pursuits you enjoy or believe in…

Please come back and let us know how it went… even if it’s months or years from now. Hope and positivity and love transform lives! Beautiful to witness.

Silvers11 · 08/08/2023 11:46

I am going to go against the grain here a little bit

Your Partner shouldn't be giving you ultimatums and on that basis, I agree with others that he is overstepping his role/authority here. He isn't helping support you, but making your life even more difficult.

However, your son is now an adult and as such, I think that however painful it may be, there may come a point, when actually, you are not helping him to sort himself out, but enabling his bad behaviour. I don't think you are there yet and I hope he does go to the therapist and continues to go and that it helps.

But I think you also need to be prepared to accept that there may be no way to actually help him and he may put you through more huge amounts of grief and angst and that in the end all your efforts are in vain. You are entitled to have a life of your own and to have some happiness for yourself too. You could end up giving everything you have to help your son - and it still won't be enough.

As I say, I don't think you are at that point yet and you may very well be able to help him. Just be aware that if it doesn't work, you need to think about at what point you will give up - otherwise you could spend the next 10, 20 years giving everything up and destroying the rest of your life - without getting the result you are hoping for.

Out of Interest, what prompted your partner to say your son has [already] destroyed your life? Is that based on knowledge that we don't have?

Josephinehetty · 08/08/2023 11:59

I know I don't know the circumstances fully, but please always choose your child.

ShreddiesGirl · 08/08/2023 12:10

Feverly · 08/08/2023 10:50

I don’t understand why you think the boyfriends drivel could be true. Penis is abundant and of low value, you could open your front door and find a new boyfriend within an hour. You put your kid that you chose to bring in to the world before your love life. Obviously.

Your son has made ridiculous choices, but that’s a separate issue to your bloke trying to make you discard your son. He is free to move out if he can’t cope with your son.

Penis is abundant and of low value

Quote of the year! 👏🏆