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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Son and Partner

70 replies

Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 10:06

I need some honest opinions as I am in turmoil. So my adult son who is 23 is a disaster he really is but I love him and what help him to turn his life around. He can't hold a job down, has crazy relationships, terrible with money when he has it. I believe he needs help with his mental health.
Things came to head last month and he has moved back in with us temporarily as he was homeless( my partner is not his dad) they don't get on and never really have. I am in the process of arranging a phycologist which he has agreed to and we had agreed to try and give him one more chance.
But my partner has now given me a ultimatum that it's him or my son and wants him to leave immediately . My partner believes that you should always choose your partner over your children and if I asked a hundred people they would agree with him.
I know my son is an adult and should be sorting his life out but hate hate the idea of not trying to sort this out. Is my partner right should I put his needs over my son?

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 08/08/2023 12:21

I don’t know anyone who would choose a partner over a child (adult or not). Your OH is batshit (and a self-centred prick).

i’m glad you are going to stand up to him op and support your son.

GoodNightsSleep · 08/08/2023 12:21

Do you have to take all the responsibility for your son? Is his father involved and can he share some of this and be a real father figure? As you partner is clearly not going to fulfil this role.

Issuing an ultimatum to choose between your partner and your son is unpleasant and puts you in an awful position. Unless there is more to this than we know, your partner is being unreasonable and showing a lack of empathy towards the position that you are in.

ExtraOnions · 08/08/2023 12:27

It’s your car, you can sort out the car situation with your son, you don’t need some bloke to get upset on your behalf.

Good idea to get your son to see a therapist, there is clearly something going on .. maybe her them to look at ADHD.

You’re being a great mum, your child is always your child … and other than the car, you sound like you like having him around

Crochetablanket · 08/08/2023 12:37

Have a hundred people answered yet Op?
As far as I can see your partner doesn’t have any supporters.
Don’t be that parent who doesn’t put their kids first even as adults ! ( I have a 23 yr old and can vouch for the fact they might be adults but do make mistakes / like every other human!)

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 12:41

Silvers I hear you but I have to try, he is still very young and hope there is time yet to change him and help him be a better person. I lost a niece a few years ago to drugs and she was not in contact with her dad, he wont say but he must be racked with guilt.
When I heard that my son was homeless and in trouble I had to bring him here. My partner immediately moved out and hasn't really moved back in.
Ruining my life umm not actually sure what that means.
Sure my son is making my life difficult the moment but I see light at the end of the tunnel. I must stay positive.

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 08/08/2023 12:51

@Sunnyday1203 I do completely agree with you about having to try. I am so very sorry that your Partner more or less moved out as soon as your son came back home. That was a sh*y thing to do and it sounds like you are well rid of him whatever happens with your son

My earlier warning about what MIGHT happen ( in the future) was based on what I know happened to a couple of people in similar circumstances, but you are right your son is still pretty young and I do hope it all ends well for both you and him

Paperbagsaremine · 08/08/2023 12:53

My partner believes that you should always choose your partner over your children and if I asked a hundred people they would agree with him.

I fear he is mistaken.

loislovesstewie · 08/08/2023 13:00

I'd tell him to do one. Your partner is being controlling by issuing ultimatums.It never turns out well as it doesn't result in the answer the issuer wants.
Are we 100% ?

Annasoror · 08/08/2023 13:04

I would always choose my child over anybody else.

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 08/08/2023 13:12

Is your partner the reason for your sons problematic behaviour?
How much of a role model has he been ?
Or has he just barged his way in and wanted him out of the way because that suits him better?

villamariavintrapp · 08/08/2023 13:13

Well I would choose my child over a partner. But it really shouldn't come down to having to make that choice. I don't think we have enough details about the history and what has been going on for your son, but I can understand why your partner could be frustrated with your way of managing this. Your son stole your car and damaged it, putting himself and others at risk presumably, and I do think you're minimising his behaviour, and talking of setting him up in his own place if he'll agree to counselling? No wonder he's agreed! Why is he homeless now, where was he living previously?

HotPringles · 08/08/2023 13:31

Does your partner have children and would he be happy to just let them down like this? Choosing his partner over his own child and believing they’ll never change?

Because you see, I’d reconsider living with a partner like this.

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 13:34

*villain" I have not offered to put my son up in his own place as I don't think he is ready so I have not told him that yet. I am concentrating on getting him a work ethic and getting some help with his mental health. I was pleased he agreed to see a therapist , she is really good and will see through him as he is a very good talker. I am most def not minimising the car he is absolutely beyond crazy what he did I am still very very upset about what he did and he will be paying for the damage he has done.
Re my partner, I would expect a loving partner to support me and be the bigger person not threaten me with leaving if I don't agree with him and ask to send my son away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 13:35

hot yes he does have 3 grown up kids but in his opinion they would never let him down so will not entertain that line of thought.

OP posts:
Lovepeaceunderstanding · 08/08/2023 13:37

I would always put my children first and they are 29 and 33. I would be wary of the man who tries to make you feel that only you would act or think in a certain way.

StillSmallVoice · 08/08/2023 13:59

This could have been me a few years ago, except I had a supportive partner. I took the view that secure accommodation was crucial if he wanted to turn his life around and we bought a flat for him to live in. That meant that he had so,e stability and I didn't have to look at his car crash life every day. I also met for lunch on a regular basis.

He was employed through all of this, though drugs, alcohol and anger were present.

It's taken a while, but he now has a lovely girlfriend, has been in therapy for over a year and about to cut back the sessions. He has also been in AA for quite a while, and is no longer the angry young man he was.

So, OP, there is hope, and you need to do what you think is best for him. Like mine, I bet that underneath it all he's a lovely person.

Bananalanacake · 08/08/2023 14:01

You can have a relationship without living together.

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 14:07

stillsmall That is a very heart warming story, so glad your son came through it and is now doing well. There is hope.

OP posts:
Imafirework · 08/08/2023 14:15

I would divorce my husband if he asked me to choose between him and my son. Even when they are grown up they are still yours and nobody should put you in that position.

Pista41 · 08/08/2023 14:22

Yeah another one who thinks your partner is completely unreasonable! I’m all for pushing kids to stand on their own two feet, but if your son needs you then of course as a good parent you’d always be there for your child.

There’s no way I’d ever chose a partner over my child and I’d bin off anyone who suggested it, to be honest.

Spirallingdownwards · 08/08/2023 14:31

I am really glad that you live in your house OP because it makes it so much easier to tell your partner to leave and make sure he closes the door behind him as he does so.

Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 15:03

BetsyBobbins · 08/08/2023 10:40

Yes, this.

Show quote history

I ended a relationship with father of DS2 and DD as he fell out with DS1. He never gave me an ultimatum as he knew I’d never pick him. This was 12yrs ago, I found out last summer he began his campaign of hate against DS1 (age 15 then) as a way of getting back at me as he didn’t think I wanted to be with him. Can’t tell you how much it hurt. It cost him an awful lot too and I know he bitterly regrets it as he threw away a life he wanted for his own kids in the process

Nevermay · 08/08/2023 15:07

Its is your home, it is up to you who lives there. I think your partner is being unreasonable , your son needs support, and you are offering it from your own resources - I would choose son

ClawedButler · 08/08/2023 16:18

Well done to him for having such perfect children that this could never be an issue for him, I'm sure it's 100% down to his exemplary parenting. This also means that he can sit atop his hillock of disdain and wax lyrical about what you should do, according to The Wisdom of Dick On High.

He isn't offering you any support, emotional or practical, just judgement and huffy feelings. Thank goodness his kids HAVEN'T run into any serious problems, he doesn't sound like he'd be much help to them if they needed it.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 08/08/2023 20:20

Your partner is manipulating you.... seen similar with my mum and her new partner.

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