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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Son and Partner

70 replies

Sunnyday1203 · 08/08/2023 10:06

I need some honest opinions as I am in turmoil. So my adult son who is 23 is a disaster he really is but I love him and what help him to turn his life around. He can't hold a job down, has crazy relationships, terrible with money when he has it. I believe he needs help with his mental health.
Things came to head last month and he has moved back in with us temporarily as he was homeless( my partner is not his dad) they don't get on and never really have. I am in the process of arranging a phycologist which he has agreed to and we had agreed to try and give him one more chance.
But my partner has now given me a ultimatum that it's him or my son and wants him to leave immediately . My partner believes that you should always choose your partner over your children and if I asked a hundred people they would agree with him.
I know my son is an adult and should be sorting his life out but hate hate the idea of not trying to sort this out. Is my partner right should I put his needs over my son?

OP posts:

Thistlelass · 08/08/2023 22:55

I can understand your reasons for standing by your son. He is 23 though and at some point will have to make it under his own steam. You cannot instill.a work ethic if the basis of it is not in him.
My middle child used to make my lifd a pure misery - broken hearts, smashed up cars, charged with assault, sponging off me when I did not really have money to give him. Had me running him to work at 5 in the morning. Girlfriends staying over and them both thinking I should provide bed and board.
Today that son is 37 and runs his own successful business. He has a partner and a little girl. I would choose to be in contact with him but that is against his wishes.
It's a hard world but sometimes it is best they are out there getting on with it in their own right.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 23:05

Hang on, this partner of yours is living in your house. He doesn't want your son who is presumably the heir to the house to live there even though your son is only 23 and everybody in the world knows that boys mature later than girls.

I wouldn't put up with anyone telling me what to do with my child. Having said that in his position I might well move out, but I certainly wouldn't give ultimatums.

HagoftheNorth · 08/08/2023 23:08

I’m with Highlyflavouredgravy, dc would always be my priority.

Original poster

Sunnyday1203 · 10/08/2023 11:09

Thanks for the replies and confirms what I thought. Ironically DS has been staying away with a "friend" this week but partner has packed all his stuff and left anyway which kind of makes me think this was not all about my son.

OP posts:

3edt1134 · 10/08/2023 11:13

Child over partner every time. Your son is demonstrating symptoms of ADHD including impulsivity and unable to regulate emotions. If it is ADHD his life could be transformed in a matter of months if medication works for him.

Ragwort · 10/08/2023 11:13

Good riddance if he's moved out, you don't need someone like that in your life.

loislovesstewie · 10/08/2023 12:17

I think you have dodged a bullet OP!

GingerIsBest · 10/08/2023 12:24

Sorry OP, but it's probably for the best. it's clear he wasn't interested in being a supportive partner.

I think there's a big difference between insisting on boundaries etc, and giving someone an ultimatum. FIL had similar with his (now ex) wife... she told him that it was her or BIL and DNephew (who had some challenges as a result of what his father put him through). BIL absolutely had huge issues and we all agree that FIL didn't do enough to put boundaries in place, but needless to say, all that happened is he told her the relationship was over and she had to leave....

Incidentally, while I'm not one of those people who immediately goes to Neuro diversity as an excuse for poor behaviour, have you considered getting your son assessed for ADHD?

Dery · 10/08/2023 15:05

Glad to hear your partner’s gone but since you asked the question, this represents my position:

”Yeah another one who thinks your partner is completely unreasonable! I’m all for pushing kids to stand on their own two feet, but if your son needs you then of course as a good parent you’d always be there for your child.

There’s no way I’d ever chose a partner over my child and I’d bin off anyone who suggested it, to be honest.”

Your partner sounds nasty and I’m glad to hear he’s gone. If he’s been around a while, it seems likely he has contributed to your son’s difficulties.

Silvers11 · 10/08/2023 16:30

Probably for the best OP. I hope you are able to help your son and that things turn themselves around before too long. Your Ex-Partner does sound like a D**k

ClawedButler · 11/08/2023 11:41

Adult ADHD did occur to me too - it often goes undiagnosed and adults with ADHD are way more likely to get into difficulties with reckless behaviour. They just don't have the "learn the lesson from the consequences" thing that the rest of us do, so often make similar mistakes over and over again, and struggle with impulse control.

Not saying that's what it is, but it would certainly be worth looking into. It must be awful, not being able to stop yourself getting into these dreadful situations.

Original poster

Sunnyday1203 · 11/08/2023 12:23

I don't know much about ADHD but will look into it. But kind of think it's not that, though something is def not right. We have been talking a lot and he finally accepting that he needs to find a job which is a step in the right direction. He is also seeing someone who seems to be a very good influence who again is good but early days.
Ex has now accused me of finishing our relationship which is a very odd way to see things.

OP posts:

GingerIsBest · 11/08/2023 14:37

I was embarrassed that I only recently discovered ADHD does not necessarily mean the hyperactive element. Inattentive ADHD is lack of focus, inability to organise, struggles to start a task etc.

ClawedButler · 11/08/2023 16:25

Adults with untreated ADHD are up to 50% more likely to be involved in a RTI, four times more likely to lose at least one job, twice as likely to get divorced, eight times more likely to be heavy drinkers, twice as likely to get arrested, more likely to be imprisoned, and less likely to graduate than people without ADHD.

That's why I thought of it - him losing his job and crashing the car and what have you may just be him being a wally, but could possibly be ADHD.

Either way, even if the lad is just a bit of a walking disaster, you're right to put him first. Your partner sounds like he's having a sulk about not being Priority No. 1 (which is pretty ick-inducing in itself), and is trying to get the jump on re-writing the narrative so he's not the d*ck.

billy1966 · 11/08/2023 16:35

Not a chance I would forsake my child for any man ever.

I am glad those more knowledgeable the me have mentioned the possibility of ADHD etc.

OP, he gave you an ultimatum and like a toddler controlling man, is kicking off because you didn't bend.

Be glad he is gone easily.

Wishing you well.

IamSaved · 11/08/2023 16:39

Your partner is a jerk. No offence.

HauntedPencil · 11/08/2023 16:49

It's not a matter of picking a partner over a child. It's your partner being an arsehole and not supporting you through something really stressful.

Even if he had valid concerns on him moving in, issuing an ultimatum and making you choose is really shitty behaviour and not the way to go about things.

HauntedPencil · 11/08/2023 16:50

I did actually think ADHD when I read your OP. My son has it he was diagnosed privately due to the wait - might be definitely worth considering.

HauntedPencil · 11/08/2023 16:51

Sunnyday1203 · 10/08/2023 11:09

He sounds like a big man baby. Hope your ok.

AbsolutelyCreamCrackered · 11/08/2023 16:54

Change the locks if need be, so your spineless selfish ex partner can’t weasel his way back when he realises you have actually picked your son over him and aren’t looking back.

Is DS an only child?

My sons are worth 100 good men. A partners love comes nothing close to it. You don’t need that knob in your life. How dare he even think he’s in the same league as a child of yours.

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