BIL told DH to protect his finances, that he is worried I will screw him over and take his money

[aboymama]

Hi,

I'm really disheartened as neither DH or BIL trust me although I have never shown to be a materialistic person, let alone a gold digger.

My husband and I have a joint account where we always did 50/50. Even though he earns more than twice my income and that left me with no spending money at all.

At 6 months pregnant, I asked my husband if we could change the setup once I'm too far along to work and until baby's in nursery (we both agreed I would be a stay at home mum until the funded hours as it worked better financially for us) to put all his income in the joint as I won't get money anymore and then separate whatever is left at the last of the month in our separate accounts if he wants to, or we could leave everything in the joint.
I suggested this new setup I had access to money, I wouldn't be left vulnerable and we could shop for the baby's things without me having to ask. He refused. Wouldn't give me a reason. Said that instead, I could ask him for money when I needed it.

He also called his married (childless) brother for advice, and he basically told him not to do that. To protect himself and his money, and that I was trying to screw him over and take his money.

Was I being unreasonable? Was my husband's setup better?

I feel really hurt.

Would I be unreasonable to distance myself from BIL? Except for polite hellos?
Or is he right to worry?

neither DH or BIL trust me

Why on earth isn't that a dealbreaker for you? How low have you set the bar?

Tell DH he can be a home dad. You will work, you will keep your money and he can ask you for it if he doesn't have any.
Get a seat and enjoy his answer

Honestly they are idiots. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Is this for real? You're being financially abused. Your BIL is the least of your worries if you're in a relationship where you have to beg for money for you and your child.

Invoice him weekly for childcare,laundry services, cleaning services... And given he is a cunt no other 'services' likely to be provided. Or tell him you will divorce him and take half of everything he has stashed..

DH and I have never pooled income because I’m the higher earner and in his culture men don’t spend their wives’ money. Instead we have a shared credit card (that DD pays off each month) - would that be a decent compromise?

If not then give him an alternative - you divorce and he pays for 50 percent of everything to do with the child (including giving care) for life.

Sorry to hear of this OP. It is not right, especially in a marriage with a child on the way, the future does not look bright for you at all. I'd divorce him as I doubt things will get better. If someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Sorry to put salt in the wounds, but I am so glad to be single and self supporting (I am lucky to be able to do so), and I have no intention of ever changing that status.

There are so many similar threads over the last few days, but we only hear about the bad things I suppose.

I really want to leave him.

He said the same to me, that in his culture, men provide for women. And then, when he realised I was eligible for UC he wanted all the money sent to his bank account so that he could "take care" of the money, invest for the family and give me pocket money when I asked, "to provide".
I wish this was a joke.

Thank you all for insight and replies.

I think any relationship where you have to ask for money to buy basic things for yourself/your baby is not a healthy one. He trusts you enough to create a human being with you, but not to have access to any money to pay for this human being's things.

Um - so you then decided to marry this man and have a child? Not another thread showing how daft some women can be and to top it all you have decided to be a SAHP?

Surely this isnt going to end well but hoenstly I do despair of women doing this to themselves

I know I was being extremely stupid.

He gave me a bunch of false promises and lies and I ignored all the red flags and chose to believe him.

Sorry but how did you not discuss this when you discussed you being a SAHM? That would be first insistence: that all money pooled, and my pension contributions made from the shared money. In your situation, I’d get back to work as soon as you can; to protect yourself.

I hope you put your foot down and are getting the uc to your account alone! If not, change it. Is there a child tax benefit too? Make sure you apply for it and it also goes to your accoutn. Do not consider these shared money. Is he giving you enough for mat leave? Instead of being embarassed, ask him for money every day or so for something basic. Shoes for baby. Lunch. Breastfeeding bra. If he says no argue every time. Point to things he buys and tell your friends and tell him you tell your friends. Don’t take on the shame of his behaviour - it’s all on him.

this is all just to make sure you have some money while you make plans for a divorce.

Oh OP.

Right. You realise now he is financially abusive.

I'm agog at your minimising if the situation though:

I'm really disheartened as neither DH or BIL trust me

It's way more serious than this & you will be even more vulnerable after the baby comes.

Reading your post, are you 6 months pregnant now?

Please make whatever arrangements you need to leave him now. Stay with your family. Start legal proceedings.

Once you have the baby, physically & emotionally this becomes harder.

Do you have friends or family who can offer support?

Would I be unreasonable to distance myself from BIL? Except for polite hellos?

I'm also reading this & thinking: have you really understood this?

It's not about BIL. It's about your controlling H.

Please get some real-life help as you seek very susceptible to this - why on earth did you go along with paying all your salary over even tho he earned so much more? Before you were even pregnant?

Keep your job and make plans to leave asap.

Child benefit in your name into your account.

Tell him you'll be returning to work asap then and he fund the cost of childcare

@aboymama Your eyes are open now. Go speak to a solicitor and find out what you'd be legally entitled to and then when you leave your abusive partner make sure he knows exactly why. See if his money keeps him warm an night and makes his dinners. Utter tosser.

Don't forget, you took a career break to bear, birth and raise his child. Do you get compensation from him for that? Of course not! His money is his no matter how much you bend over.

That isn't a partnership nor respectful.

Get your ducks in a row and leave. Then raise a child maintenance claim against him and don't let him have access to you.

I think you’re misplacing the insult here, and who is responsible for it. It’s not that DH and BIL “don’t trust you” it’s that they don’t want you to be anything other than controlled and under your husband’s rule. And you don’t need to distance yourself from your BIL you need to distance yourself from your DH. He’s an abusive arsehole and I bet when you really think about it, there are other ways he’s abusive that spring to mind. It’s always the way, unfortunately. Once you see them in the true light of who they are, you can’t unsee and there’s unlikely to be a pathway back. Protect yourself and look at the way forwards and out.

How have you got this far down the line with pregnancy without discussing how your finances will work first 😵‍💫

BIL is the least of your problems. Don't get distracted by him.

Your husband is absolutely setting himself up to be controlling and financially abusive.

'Asking' him for money is undignified and infantilising. It also shows he has no respect for the non-financial contributions of carrying and raising his child and taking care of your home.

Tell him he is welcome to stay home until nursery hours kick in, while you control and earn all the money. If he wants some, he can ask and you will decide if he deserves it or not.

See how that appeals to him.

What a prick.

I'd suggest counselling where you set some very clear parameters for how things will run. If not, I'd divorce him and take half.

You are being abused. I wouldn't bother with counselling, he won't change.Leave him and divorce, he can pay child support at the rate determined.

You sound very financialy vulnerable. Minimum, get child benefit and UC paid to your account. No negotiating, discussing or arguing.

Yes, distance from your knob BIL. What a malign influence he is on your marriage.
How is your MIL treated? If you have one.

Just for now, put your hand out and say, 'I want my pocket money dh.'

Can you avoid all the hand over housekeeping ££, by dh doing the shopping?

I admit I am very biased as I had a twat of a dh. He loved that I brought in extra money but saw it as extra for him to lark about with. I divorced him, left with debt and am still better off.
In this case I do see that your are not negotiating with a dh but generations of his culture.
I hope this works out well for you.

I agree with pp - your BIL is the least of your worries, it's your husband that you need to worry about. OP, if you stay with your husband then do NOT become a SAHM. Either leave him or carry on working full time and make sure he pays his share of the childcare costs.

You've said you really want to leave him.

Get to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. This week. Don't wait until the baby arrives as you'll have other things to worry about.