BIL told DH to protect his finances, that he is worried I will screw him over and take his money

[aboymama]

Hi,

I'm really disheartened as neither DH or BIL trust me although I have never shown to be a materialistic person, let alone a gold digger.

My husband and I have a joint account where we always did 50/50. Even though he earns more than twice my income and that left me with no spending money at all.

At 6 months pregnant, I asked my husband if we could change the setup once I'm too far along to work and until baby's in nursery (we both agreed I would be a stay at home mum until the funded hours as it worked better financially for us) to put all his income in the joint as I won't get money anymore and then separate whatever is left at the last of the month in our separate accounts if he wants to, or we could leave everything in the joint.
I suggested this new setup I had access to money, I wouldn't be left vulnerable and we could shop for the baby's things without me having to ask. He refused. Wouldn't give me a reason. Said that instead, I could ask him for money when I needed it.

He also called his married (childless) brother for advice, and he basically told him not to do that. To protect himself and his money, and that I was trying to screw him over and take his money.

Was I being unreasonable? Was my husband's setup better?

I feel really hurt.

Would I be unreasonable to distance myself from BIL? Except for polite hellos?
Or is he right to worry?

He's being financially abusive.. he doesn't want you spending on anything he doesn't seem necessary

This is financial abuse. You need to make sure your wages/mat pay/ benefits are paid into your account and start planning to leave

EVERY. FUCKING. DAY.

But it feels like more at the moment.

Now that the cost of living crisis is biting, all of the areseholes are coming out of the woodwork.

You don't need to distance yourself from your BIL you need to distance yourself from your H.
Do not put up with being treated like this!

there is a current post on mon begging woman to protect themselves financially, especially when kids are involved. hun you need to read it it is aimed at you. you are being abused and gaslighted. how dare dh tell bil your private business!! your husband is shady af sorry

Do NOT whatever you do leave your job and sahp until your child gets funded hours. Please.
i understand you may want to and it may be financially better overall but he’s shown you who he is. You MUST look after your own interests. Take paid maternity leave then go back to work. Do not become trapped by this man who is using his money to control you not provide for you.

Divorce his abusive ass

start buying everything for your baby now. i mean stock up on clothes - all different ages, shoes etc, get new winter stuff everything for the next year start buying it now, get prams car seats, cots the lot that you won't have to buy WHEN YOU LEAVE.
hun really you need to get ahead of the game. get to a solicitor asap. tell hubby u need your pocket money to pay the fees. do you hear how silly it sounds?? do NOT become a sahm. he is manipulating you for financial gain. don't be pullled in by the cultural excuses. it's bullshit. he is using you. his behaviour will only get worse when baby comes. start now, get money put away, apply for everything u can, if you are in the UK go onto HMRC website it will tell you what you are entitled to for a new baby. varies where in the uk you are.
get away from this fkr will be the best gift you can give yourself x

I really want to leave him.

You really need to get this ball rolling OP, don't waste another minute.

Yes, you've been daft, but haven't we all, and now you know, you can stop and get your life sorted without your abusive husband.

Your husband has been fucking you financially and he has a cheek to question your financial motives. You shouldn't have been doing 50:50. You should have been paying bills proportionally to your income or putting it all in the pot and splitting the fun money. I couldn't be with someone who would leave me skint while they have money.

You need to divorce him asap. He is abusing you. Also all benefits should be in your name especially the child benefit because you'll get your state pension contributions credits. Have you got anyone that can support you to leave him? Maybe contact woman's aid for advice.

Whatever else you do... do NOT give up your job.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

It doesn't seem to me that he is ever going to become reasonable or consider that all income into the household is 'family' money rather than 'his' money, and he will continue to expect you to accept whatever handouts he deigns to give you.

Unless you are prepared to accept this financial abuse for years, then there really is only one way out of this situation, isn't there? You need to consider whether it is time to divorce him.

There is no point, waiting for this man to become a decent human being. It's not going to happen.

It's also never too late to leave a bastard. Think of what a life without him would be like.

Men like this always seem to pick and choose which aspects of their culture they adhere to. In this case he seems to have chosen an aspect that subjugates you to him.

Wants to 'provide' but not too proud to have your UC go into his account?

Wants to provide but thinks you should ask him for every cent?

Think I'd be distancing myself from both this pair of dicks.

Are you legally married?

It's not that they don't trust you. That's just a tool to get you to comply, by making you feel like YOU'RE the one creating the problem by not being trustworthy enough. Then you'll try to fix the problem by being more "trustworthy" i.e. giving in to your DH, letting him call the shots, letting him control things, explaining to him every penny you spend and agreeing with him when he tells you that your purchase of maternity underwear was spendthrift, you going without needed purchases to show him how "trustworthy" you are, etc. It's just a way to control you.

The root problem is that your husband wants to control you. You can tell this because not only does he want to keep all "his" money and not compensate you fairly for your work you'll be doing taking care of the baby, but he ALSO wants you to put your UC money into his account so you won't have access to ANY incoming money at all. He doesn't see you as having any right to any resources that you don't have to beg him for.

Do not give up your job. Make sure your bank account is not accessible by him so that he does not steal your money or lock you out of it, leaving you financially dependent on him and therefore prevent you from extricating yourself if you need to.

Ask him if he would rather be divorced.

Unfortunately women in these sorts of scenarios get married with rose coloured spectacles on because they are in love whereas men in these scenarios see their lives improving by a working woman who can contribute half financially AND grow a baby! That's because men like him see ££ signs in their eyes! As women once sweetened up by hearing what they want to hear by this type of man provide lots of useful free services as laundry maid, free housekeeper, free nanny, free childcare, free sex and a free cook. Win win for him!!

I tell your parents and close friends what he has been doing up to now. Gather all your financial information and get as much of his also including his pension details.
Go to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Apply to CMS as soon as the baby is born for child maintenance.

I tell your husband the good news that you have decided to back to work once your maternity leave is over and that he will be giving you money each week during your leave.
You also think it only fair to tell him as well that you have decided to get a divorce.
You have realised how mean and controlling he has been with you so now he going to be finding out the cost of a divorce and the CMS will be on to him regarding maintenance.
Tell him he can move in with your bil and you hope they will be very happy together counting their money.

I would then ring his parents and tell them why your divorcing their son before your husband has a chance to bad mouth you to them.
Tell his father if your son is mean with me going forward you will be telling their family, friends and neighbours.
I would also let him know what his other son said to your husband about you and due to their behaviour it made you realise that your marriage is over.

I tell your parents and close friends what he has been doing up to now. Gather all your financial information and get as much of his also including his pension details.
Go to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Apply to CMS as soon as the baby is born for child maintenance.

I tell your husband the good news that you have decided to back to work once your maternity leave is over and that he will be giving you money each week during your leave.
You also think it only fair to tell him as well that you have decided to get a divorce.
You have realised how mean and controlling he has been with you so now he going to be finding out the cost of a divorce and the CMS will be on to him regarding maintenance.
Tell him he can move in with your bil and you hope they will be very happy together counting their money.

I would then ring his parents and tell them why your divorcing their son before your husband has a chance to bad mouth you to them.
Tell his father if your son is mean with me going forward you will be telling their family, friends and neighbours.
I would also let him know what his other son said to your husband about you and due to their behaviour it made you realise that your marriage is over.

Whenever you hear the words “ in my culture “ Run.

OP, tell this to your midwife. Say exactly what you just wrote here. She/he will have seen it all before.

I would tell him that you will be returning to work after having the baby and that he will need to pay for childcare.

Do not become a SAHM.

Is there a culture difference?