BIL told DH to protect his finances, that he is worried I will screw him over and take his money

[aboymama]

Hi,

I'm really disheartened as neither DH or BIL trust me although I have never shown to be a materialistic person, let alone a gold digger.

My husband and I have a joint account where we always did 50/50. Even though he earns more than twice my income and that left me with no spending money at all.

At 6 months pregnant, I asked my husband if we could change the setup once I'm too far along to work and until baby's in nursery (we both agreed I would be a stay at home mum until the funded hours as it worked better financially for us) to put all his income in the joint as I won't get money anymore and then separate whatever is left at the last of the month in our separate accounts if he wants to, or we could leave everything in the joint.
I suggested this new setup I had access to money, I wouldn't be left vulnerable and we could shop for the baby's things without me having to ask. He refused. Wouldn't give me a reason. Said that instead, I could ask him for money when I needed it.

He also called his married (childless) brother for advice, and he basically told him not to do that. To protect himself and his money, and that I was trying to screw him over and take his money.

Was I being unreasonable? Was my husband's setup better?

I feel really hurt.

Would I be unreasonable to distance myself from BIL? Except for polite hellos?
Or is he right to worry?

This. Do not make yourself even more vulnerable.

and UC needs to go to your account.

This. Being a SAHP may be the ideal setup in your opinion, OP.

but it’s a setup you currently can’t afford. You would give up your financial freedom, become even more vulnerable to the mercies of a financially abusive and controlling man. That’s the price you’d be paying.

Agree with everyone else.

Tell friends and family what is happening and I bet there are other examples of him not treating you well

Get a solicitor, you can always take someone you trust with you

Move out taking any important documents with you. Even if it means you go home to parents for now.

Get any payments in your name

Get divorced and give baby your maiden name and apply for maintenance and keep working.

If you stay it will get worse and the disrespect and mistrust of you will be passed on to your child and will shape their views on women,

This

He’s not treating you with dignity so you have to do what you can to maintain yours.

a lot of old traditions depend on male decency to work sadly. Yours sounds indecent. I’m sorry. You need to protect YOUR finances. He has happily financially abused you up til now and he’s ready to ramp it up. I think being a SAHM would be a mistake.

More men who’ve shown themselves to be abusive cunts.

UC into your account as a minimum. But he’s being controlling. To expect you to,pay 50/50 when he earns far more is not on, then to leave you without any money is the same

get your mat leave money into your account and don’t transfer anything, he can pay the lot.

then sorry but I would be looking at leaving and getting 50% of everything, then child maintenance from him and going it alone.

So you're waiting until your child has funded hours before separating? What on earth for?

So he wants you to finance his cosplay as provider?! Hell no. You shouldn’t have been paying 50/50 all this time and no way should he get the UC. Call his bluff, tell him seeing as that’s his attitude, you’ll go straight back to work and all childcare and cleaning will be split 50/50 because you’re not his fucking pet.

If there is a cultural difference - I should point out that in Eastern traditions it’s always been commonplace for men to earn, then give their wives the entirety of their paycheck for the running of the house.

So I'd immediately stop funding the joint account and remove at least 50% of what is in there now. Use this money to be your buffer. Tell 'd'h that he starts providing as of now... oh and the UC needs to come to you also... how dare he leave his wife and child begging for scraps!

Exactly

Do not be a SAHM you need to go back to work

If you become a SAHM in this situation your options get smaller and getting out gets harder

And his behaviour will get worse not better

Do not become a stay at home mum - your wages, UC and Child benefit go to your account, not his - you change all the passwords on phones, computers, bank accounts etc so he has no access to your money.

You then leave - this is financial abuse.

Get a copy of all the documents and take your passport/ birth certificate etc and store it away from the house. Talk to a solicitor asap.

I was the same when I had my child. It was awful having to ask for money to pay direct debits for the house, things for our child, food etc.

He insisted he keep the child benefit and I had to fight for it to be transferred into my name.

You need this to be in your name if you're not working to pay your NI.

It's is financial abuse.

It ended when we split and then I started to work part time and was amazed I could just and only just pay every bill myself but it was better than being abused.

My husband is Muslim and in his culture his wife is entitled to his earnings, although he is not entitled to hers. This is commonplace as women bear the brunt of pregnancy, childbirth and rearing the young.

Don't let this man take advantage of you. You are not a robot, I earn well but completely underestimated how much all of the above life events would take from me. I can't work at that same capacity and look after a family, pregnancy and childbirth have had some lasting impacts on my body and physical health. And I'm so, so tired all the time.

I'm so grateful for all the support I'm shown by my family. But most of all by my husband who has taken over providing, who allowed me to extend my maternity leave each time, who suggested I reduce my working week and who has supported me financially through every step. He also takes his childcare and household duties seriously. The only time I need to think about finances is when WE sit down together to discuss OUR finances. I will do what I can to ensure our family is comfortable because my husband has always made my comfort a priority.

Please know your worth. It is definitely worth sitting down with him and letting him know how you feel. There is no excuse for this. If this is simple ignorance and his head needs a wobble then it is worth discussing this with his parents. It may be that your BIL is acting as an unexperienced, poorly informed influence. He obviously needs someone with sense to discuss this situation with him if he doesn't see it after you have a conversation.

Good luck.

The moment the deceitful fucker had you paying 50% of the bills while earn half what he does, was the moment you were absolutely sure he wasn’t a provider 🤦🏾‍♀️.

I implore you not to become a stay at home mom for any period, unless you’ll be finding a way to save as much of your ‘allowance’ as possible to leave him when the baby can start nursery.

She can invoice until she turns blue in the face, he doesn't have to and almost certainly won't pay. She can divorce, but as so many here on Mumsnet can attest, she is highly unlikely to get anything near 50% of the actual cost of bringing up her child, and 50% of his stash may not actually be very much. She will probably be happier though.

You’re not from his culture and you never will be. You told him what you needed to feel “looked after” annd safe, and he chose to dismiss this. He’s controlling and will be worse once you leave work. I would suggest you re-think the SAHM thing and also maybe the relationship.

It's strange that they don't trust you and think you're a gold digger yet he wants you to be reliant on him?? This relationship is not healthy and you pretty much know it as you've said you really want to leave. Listen to everyone here and take that step. Sooner rather than later. You can do it. If you need help to leave, see if you can reach out to some charities that can offer advice and more on what to do, like Women's Aid. Here are some more charities that might be able to help depending on what applies to you - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/registered-charities-that-could-help-you/ and remember - financial abuse counts as abuse. And it sounds like they want to control the money you have access to.
The rest of this website might help you too - https://iamlip.com/ - it's a bunch of free help guides that guide you through divorce. It'll help you understand what you can do and what to do. I used it as I couldn't get a solicitor, but I have a friend who used it as well as a solicitor so they could lower their costs by doing some of it themselves e.g. filling out forms. Hope this can help you if you're in a tough spot financially. Please do what's best for you and your child - you'll be better off out of this relationship xxxxx

It's nothing to do with trust. He's financially abusing you.

Do not give up your job, whatever you do. You are already extremely vulnerable but if you give up your job you will really be in the shit. Your job is your lifeline.

Do you have family who would take you and the baby in?

I think in your situation I would spring into action pronto because with a baby on the way, time is not on your side. You need some legal advice to find out what your position is RE the house and finances. If you aren't able to pay for this, some places will offer a short initial consultation FOC. Alternatively contact Women's Aid for assistance as they may have some valuable advice.

My aim would be to have left him by the time the baby arrives and to be making plans to return to work after maternity leave ends. I realise it sounds scary but I don't think you realise that you're stood on the edge of a cliff here and that being completely under this man's complete control with a newborn would be an inescapable pit of despair.