DH constant anger

[lovemelongtime]

Wow, first post, feel nervous.
DH and I together 30 years, he's always had a very quick anger but always short lived.
Does do the silent treatment probably twice a year which I can't bear and really upsets me.

I've recently had breast cancer and he's been fabulous, supportive and kind.
Treatment just finished and we took some time out but during trip away the anger really spoilt so many days out. Big blow ups if we couldn't find a car parking space. Car got scratched by a branch falling on the car while I was driving- another blow up.

We just drive home, pouring rain, sat nav got us really really lost so the journey was a nightmare but I did manage to navigate us home eventually. He is so angry with me and gone to bed. It's ruined the whole week.

I'm so upset, I can't keep walking on eggshells. 90% of the time we laugh and enjoy each others company. I know it's probably all the stress of the last 10 months coming out. But don't know why he's directing all this anger on me.

He won't talk about it, I just don't know what to do to improve things. How do I get him to see something has to change in how we communicate.?

Why isn't he doing the driving? If that was my DH I'd be inclined to stop the car and hand him the keys.
Also you are probably right about the stress reaction. It can carry on even when the stressful event is over.

That is awful and no way to live.

Has it recently ramped up?

What was his attitude after the tantrum, is he horrified at himself?

No matter what he needs to get serious help for himself, that's no way for you to live. I got stressed out just reading that.

Just to say, he was driving, I was trying to find the route home

He won't talk about it, I just don't know what to do to improve things. How do I get him to see something has to change in how we communicate?

you can’t. You cannot make someone behave in a way you want them to behave. They will behave in a way they want to behave. All you can do is behave in a way you want.

do you want to stay married to an angry man? If you do, you put up with it as this is him. You cannot change him. eventually you might become one of those long time abused women whose husband eventually kills them, maybe not.

Or you decide no you do not want this forever and divorce him.

you cannot change someone else.

His behaviour is unacceptable, definitely, but I would consider that he might be having high blood pressure issues. Hypertension can cause all sorts of emotional symptoms. I would encourage him to have it checked. I would also demand that he shape up or ship out. Whatever the cause of his increased irritability, he has the responsibility to sort it and not take it out on you. You are not his emotional punching bag.

His behaviour is unacceptable, definitely, but I would consider that he might be having high blood pressure issues. Hypertension can cause all sorts of emotional symptoms

this is the most incorrect batshit statement I’ve read

You have likely become further ground down over the years due to him. The boiled frog analogy springs to mind here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

what are you still getting out of this relationship now?

What’s he like around other people or his work colleagues ?. Bet he’s all sweetness and light to them and if this is so this abusive treatment of his is solely for you. Abusers are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are not a rehab centre either for such a badly raised man.

Gosh people have jumped in the deep end
DH is kind and caring, supports me in all aspects of my life, from cooking, housework through to supporting my career over the years.

We have fun together, laugh, socialise and have a shared love of traveling.

The only bad thing is this anger issue. He can flare up at nothing but will forget about it ten mins later. But it is getting more frequent and he doesn't see it.

How can he "not see" that "blowing up" over a parking space is outrageously poor behaviour?

Does he calm down and realise how bizarre it is?

Or are you just meant to put up with it?

Are yiu able to just say, "I can't keep walking on eggshells" as you have here? Or does he "blow up" at that too?

My Ex was like this and was finally diagnosed with autism. Poor emotional regulation is part of that. He had no insight into his behaviour or to the impact it had on me. For him blowing up over trivia was both normal and also justified.

You cannot change him. eventually you might become one of those long time abused women whose husband eventually kills them, maybe not

It's a big jump from being a supportive husband who gets angry over trivialities, to becoming a possible murderer.

As I said before, I would encourage him to have his blood pressure checked. My comment was called batshit, 🙄, but it's not. There have been many studies showing a clear link to behavioral issues, (anxiety, depression , irritability), and high blood pressure, and your husband is at an age where having hypertension is much more common. I'm not in any way saying that's definitely the reason, but it's possible, and given how dangerous high blood pressure is, it's prudent to rule it out.

Whatever the reason, he has got to stop being abusive, and find a way to manage his anger, because this is going to ruin your marriage. I'd be telling him that not talking about this is a sure path to divorce.

Has his anger always been this bad or has it got worse recently? If its always like that then he's making a conscious choice not to do anything about it and is assuming that you'll go along with that since in the past you've stuck by him.

If this is new or significantly worse, then I would be telling him that you've both had an awful time (you especially) and his anger can't continue and he needs to speak to someone and address it. Sometimes when you're in the midst of something awful you can only really process it when you're out the other side so if I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and you think the timing is significant with you finishing treatment which can be so rough then it could be part of it. But either way it's HIS responsibility to address not yours and you don't have to accept it. Feeling like you're walking on eggshells and getting silent treatment and anger that's only directed at you when it's held calmly in other situations are signs of abusive behaviour and you don't deserve that. If you feel you can't deal with it any longer would you have friends/ family you could stay with for a while? If you feel unsafe around him at all then it's time to listen to that gut instinct and leave but I know that's an incredibly hard decision to make. Womens aid are there for support as well, they won't pressure you to do anything but will be a listening ear while you decide what you want and will support you if you do decide you want something different.

Yes there could be all sorts of reasons--or he just likes using his wife as an emotional punching bag. Really the onus is not on OP to try to coach him in being decent.

Maybe its just all the stress as built up and he feels he can release it now? I don't know, my DH gets stressed over silly things- I don't take it personally, its his way of venting- he has chilled abit with getting older.

Do you ask why he acted that way when he's chilled out?

Write it all down. Trying to speak about a deeply felt emotional concern can be stressful and upsetting, especially as you have the added worry of triggering another episode.

Being on the receiving end of another person's rage is frightening because physically violent or not, we react to shouting, strong language, angry expressions and body language as a potential threat to our safety.

This triggers the fight or flight or freeze reaction; thumping heart, can't think, can't talk clearly, maybe can't move - and if that happens often enough, it can cause health problems for you.

Fearing it's going to happen can then trigger it to happen - so you'll do anything to avoid triggering. Walking on eggshells.
Never feeling the right to be yourself, say what you feel or need, to feel safe in your own home with the one person you should feel safe with. Constantly on edge listening for a change in breathing, tone of voice, looking for visual cues that another one's about to kick off.

He needs to understand what this does to you. That as a woman who's had cancer it's doubly important that stress and anxiety are reduced for you.

Time for boundaries and anger management - it would be useful to find some self help programmes for him and let him know that him completing and sticking to them is required for you.

And before anyone complains that she shouldn't have to do the work of finding them - he won't be taking the initiative and doing that himself, will he.

Someone has mentioned the possibility these may be autistic meltdowns - again some will object to the suggestion but it's worth listening to those who've experienced this.

Write it all out and pick your moment to share your message with him.

This can't go on. It does seem like you have a lot else worth saving in the marriage so it's worth trying.

But if nothing improves then you gave a choice.

Blaming you when he got lost and you successful navigated the way is just awful.
OP you are somewhat minimising his nasty behaviour to you. The fact that he’s nice the rest of the time doesn’t mean it’s ok or normal for him to blow up like this. And it’s escalating.
If he won’t talk about it you’ll have to find a way to force the issue. You can’t live like this indefinitely with him becoming worse and worse.

I echo the hypertension point. Also look into T2 diabetes if this is a new thing. Pre-diabetes completely changed my DH.

Thank you

This is helpful and yes I agree that he needs to accept the impact of his angry outbursts and take ownership of this behaviour.

I definitely need to make sure I communicate clearly how this is making me feel but it's really hard. We talk about a trillion things each day, but somehow always avoid the real important stuff no matter how much I try to bring it up.