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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constant anger

62 replies

lovemelongtime · 05/08/2023 15:41

Wow, first post, feel nervous.
DH and I together 30 years, he's always had a very quick anger but always short lived.
Does do the silent treatment probably twice a year which I can't bear and really upsets me.

I've recently had breast cancer and he's been fabulous, supportive and kind.
Treatment just finished and we took some time out but during trip away the anger really spoilt so many days out. Big blow ups if we couldn't find a car parking space. Car got scratched by a branch falling on the car while I was driving- another blow up.

We just drive home, pouring rain, sat nav got us really really lost so the journey was a nightmare but I did manage to navigate us home eventually. He is so angry with me and gone to bed. It's ruined the whole week.

I'm so upset, I can't keep walking on eggshells. 90% of the time we laugh and enjoy each others company. I know it's probably all the stress of the last 10 months coming out. But don't know why he's directing all this anger on me.

He won't talk about it, I just don't know what to do to improve things. How do I get him to see something has to change in how we communicate.?

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemelongtime · 06/08/2023 08:30

JFDIYOLO · 05/08/2023 16:50

Write it all down. Trying to speak about a deeply felt emotional concern can be stressful and upsetting, especially as you have the added worry of triggering another episode.

Being on the receiving end of another person's rage is frightening because physically violent or not, we react to shouting, strong language, angry expressions and body language as a potential threat to our safety.

This triggers the fight or flight or freeze reaction; thumping heart, can't think, can't talk clearly, maybe can't move - and if that happens often enough, it can cause health problems for you.

Fearing it's going to happen can then trigger it to happen - so you'll do anything to avoid triggering. Walking on eggshells.
Never feeling the right to be yourself, say what you feel or need, to feel safe in your own home with the one person you should feel safe with. Constantly on edge listening for a change in breathing, tone of voice, looking for visual cues that another one's about to kick off.

He needs to understand what this does to you. That as a woman who's had cancer it's doubly important that stress and anxiety are reduced for you.

Time for boundaries and anger management - it would be useful to find some self help programmes for him and let him know that him completing and sticking to them is required for you.

And before anyone complains that she shouldn't have to do the work of finding them - he won't be taking the initiative and doing that himself, will he.

Someone has mentioned the possibility these may be autistic meltdowns - again some will object to the suggestion but it's worth listening to those who've experienced this.

Write it all out and pick your moment to share your message with him.

This can't go on. It does seem like you have a lot else worth saving in the marriage so it's worth trying.

But if nothing improves then you gave a choice.

I have come back to read this reply again this morning. Thank you for wording this so clearly, this is helpful and spot on.

OP posts:
Catlover100 · 06/08/2023 14:04

If you can persuade him to go, I think you would benefit initially from some couples counselling and them some individual counselling too.
As you yourself say, it could be the stress of your illness and his fear of losing you that is at the root of this.
He may not even know it or recognise it, but if the anger is becoming worse now after he had to watch the person he loves go through something so difficult it might not be a coincidence. He was probably terrified when you were ill and so now those feelings of terror and helplessness are coming out as anger directed at you.
I might be spouting rubbish of course but your mention of it in your original post stood out to me.
Writing things down and then gently talking to him about how brilliant he was during your illness and how he is making you feel now might be enough to make him realise that he needs some help moving forward.

Good luck. xx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2023 14:20

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. OP wrote in her initial post that he’s always had quick anger.

He can likely control himself around other people so he does not have an anger management problem.

He has a problem with anger, OPs anger, when she rightly calls him out on such behaviour directed at her . AM courses too are no answer to domestic abuse which is what this also is.

Original poster
lovemelongtime · 06/08/2023 18:19

Catlover100 · 06/08/2023 14:04

If you can persuade him to go, I think you would benefit initially from some couples counselling and them some individual counselling too.
As you yourself say, it could be the stress of your illness and his fear of losing you that is at the root of this.
He may not even know it or recognise it, but if the anger is becoming worse now after he had to watch the person he loves go through something so difficult it might not be a coincidence. He was probably terrified when you were ill and so now those feelings of terror and helplessness are coming out as anger directed at you.
I might be spouting rubbish of course but your mention of it in your original post stood out to me.
Writing things down and then gently talking to him about how brilliant he was during your illness and how he is making you feel now might be enough to make him realise that he needs some help moving forward.

Good luck. xx

I don't think you're "spouting rubbish", I agree with everything you said.
Talking to my BF today who has known us both for 35 years, she said the exact same thing.

I tried to talk today with him, but the walls came up but time and he said we probably should split up.

I had cancer 25 years ago and the exact same thing happened two months after finishing treatment. It feels like history repeating itself and I am distraught.

OP posts:
ChaliceinWonderland · 06/08/2023 18:25

Give it back to him. Blow up, mirror his behaviour. It will shock and frighten him. I've just dumped my partner after 3 years, as he took me to the airport recently and blew up in a rage as he had to pay a drop off charge.
It frightened me, and was embarrassing,
Now I never hae to deal with that again. Fuck him.

You need to show him what it's like being the receiver of abuse.

Coffeetree · 06/08/2023 18:51

lovemelongtime · 06/08/2023 18:19

I don't think you're "spouting rubbish", I agree with everything you said.
Talking to my BF today who has known us both for 35 years, she said the exact same thing.

I tried to talk today with him, but the walls came up but time and he said we probably should split up.

I had cancer 25 years ago and the exact same thing happened two months after finishing treatment. It feels like history repeating itself and I am distraught.

Show quote history

Hang on, you tried to reasonably talk with him after his egregious behaviour, and instead of being horrified at himself, he stonewalled you and then basically dumped you?

MillWood85 · 06/08/2023 19:08

That sounds incredibly cruel of him, OP.

You must be reeling.

Herejusttocomment · 06/08/2023 19:21

Sounds like he's the type that holds all emotions in, doesn't talk about them because it's "weak" and the only acceptable negative emotion he was taught is anger.

I would sit him down and say something like "DH, I love you and I want us to have a lovely relationship; I'm not trying to tell you how to act or that you're wrong I just want to tell you that when you get angry so much and so quick it really scares me and worries me. I know you don't mean to but that's how I feel and maybe it would be better if you said something like "this is frustrating me" or even looked online at ways to manage anger."

Now I don't expect that to be received too well even with all the caveats and "shit sandwiches" in the first instance, but if he really cares about you, he'll think about it and try to find healthier ways to express his feelings.
You could also come up with a system between you when you see he"s starting to get riled up, you could say something like "you're doing that again, do you need to step out/count until 10 etc. ?"

mathanxiety · 06/08/2023 22:11

lovemelongtime · 06/08/2023 18:19

I don't think you're "spouting rubbish", I agree with everything you said.
Talking to my BF today who has known us both for 35 years, she said the exact same thing.

I tried to talk today with him, but the walls came up but time and he said we probably should split up.

I had cancer 25 years ago and the exact same thing happened two months after finishing treatment. It feels like history repeating itself and I am distraught.

Show quote history

It's very possible that he wasn't feeling helpless or terrified when you were ill, twice, but instead incredibly annoyed at the reminder that you are a real, three dimensional person, and not an extension of his personality.

I'd look up narcissism if I were you.

Naunet · 07/08/2023 07:15

He thinks he’s keeping you at an acceptable level of permanent unhappiness, he’d be shocked if you left him, would claim he had no idea despite you trying to tell him. He says things about splitting to keep you from questioning his behaviour, to keep you compliant. The question you need to ask yourself is, is he right, is this an acceptable level of permanent unhappiness for you? It’s been 30 years, he’s not going to change.

Herejusttocomment · 07/08/2023 13:26

I tried to talk today with him, but the walls came up but time and he said we probably should split up.

Ugh, sorry about this @lovemelongtime
I would take steps to be able to call his bluff. I doubt he wants to split up, he just doesn't want to face himself.

Also read the book Attached
Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love https://amzn.eu/d/8IvNNsG he sounds like classic avoidant attachment.

Coffeetree · 07/08/2023 14:06

Or he does want split up? Applying Occam's razor, if he is determinedly treating the OP like crap and then suggesting a split, that seems like the most likely explanation? I dont say that to be glib OP but from what you've written this is not a caring partner.

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