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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constant anger

62 replies

lovemelongtime · 05/08/2023 15:41

Wow, first post, feel nervous.
DH and I together 30 years, he's always had a very quick anger but always short lived.
Does do the silent treatment probably twice a year which I can't bear and really upsets me.

I've recently had breast cancer and he's been fabulous, supportive and kind.
Treatment just finished and we took some time out but during trip away the anger really spoilt so many days out. Big blow ups if we couldn't find a car parking space. Car got scratched by a branch falling on the car while I was driving- another blow up.

We just drive home, pouring rain, sat nav got us really really lost so the journey was a nightmare but I did manage to navigate us home eventually. He is so angry with me and gone to bed. It's ruined the whole week.

I'm so upset, I can't keep walking on eggshells. 90% of the time we laugh and enjoy each others company. I know it's probably all the stress of the last 10 months coming out. But don't know why he's directing all this anger on me.

He won't talk about it, I just don't know what to do to improve things. How do I get him to see something has to change in how we communicate.?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2023 17:11

He’s kind and caring only when you are agreeing with him or when he is showing a good side of him to people in the outside world. Therefore it’s conditional.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. AM courses are no answer either to domestic violence which is what you’re really describing here.

The responsibility for his anger is his and his alone and I dare say as well he behaves far differently around people like his work colleagues. He does this because he can and he’s learnt doing this works for him. If you were to look at his parents it’s likely that one or even both of them act in this way too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2023 17:12

Walking on eggshells is to my mind code for living in fear. You never know when he’s going to kick off and he remains volatile. You’re likely hyper vigilant to his moods as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2023 17:15

Abuse too is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. He’s majorly overreacted in your presence to what are minor things like the branch falling which is also beyond your control. He would have found something that day to have a go at you, he is manufacturing arguments left, right and centre.

Original poster
lovemelongtime · 05/08/2023 17:20

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2023 17:15

Abuse too is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. He’s majorly overreacted in your presence to what are minor things like the branch falling which is also beyond your control. He would have found something that day to have a go at you, he is manufacturing arguments left, right and centre.

So to be clear it's not necessarily angry at me, just over the top angry about the situation in general.

OP posts:
DewOnTheMorningGrass · 05/08/2023 17:21

From the outside it would seem that you think an abusive relationship is one that is awful all the time. This is not the case for all abuse. They are charming, kind, loving but then display behaviour which results in you walking on eggshells 10% of the time, your words. He keeps it just sweet enough so you will stay waiting for the shitty part to pass and the good times to begin again. It is a cycle.

Giving someone the silent treatment is the definition of abuse, either you behave in the way I want or I shall subject you to this behaviour which I know upsets you. It doesn't matter that it is just twice a year.

I wonder does he blow up at his boss, his work colleagues, his parents, his friends, random people in the supermarket or just you? Because if it is just you it would suggest he can control his anger and seems to deliberately find reasons to be angry at you for things beyond your control - tree branch.

Willow12345 · 05/08/2023 17:23

Watching with interest.. in v similar relationship with my DH and only thing that (temporarily) helped was when we saw a marriage counsellor.

Daffodilwoman · 05/08/2023 17:24

He needs to find coping mechanisms. Driving whilst angry is not acceptable. It leads to road rage and causes accidents. Totally unacceptable.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 05/08/2023 17:33

Noones jumping in at the deep end here. If 90% of the time is great, then that's a full tenth of your life that's crappy and miserable. And I bet the rest of the time you're on eggshells hoping nothing sets him off.

You want him to change? You tell him either he changes or you're leaving. And then when he doesn't change you leave.

Seaweed42 · 05/08/2023 17:33

Instead of getting involved in the content of what's making him angry, instead draw his attention to the context.

For example:

DH: Who put this in the bin, I've said before just wash it and put it there!
You: yes I know but it says recycle on the back.

Instead of the above, you say 'you are talking in a raised voice, it seems you think I've done something wrong'.

Or - 'you seem angry now so we can talk about it later when you are calmer'.

When he gives you the silent treatment, you have to call him on it and name it.

And then either you leave for a few days or request he does.

Find a way for you to control the situation so that you are not spending the time worshiping at the altar of his anger.

Could you see yourself saying something like this:

Say "you are giving me the silent treatment. That is disrespectful and rude and I don't deserve to be treated like that, by you or by anyone.
Unfortunately there's no information for me in silence regarding your feelings so I can't really help you.
I'm going to a hotel/a friend's house for a couple of nights because I don't want to be around you when act disrespectfully towards me."

ParisP · 05/08/2023 17:34

Is he on the spectrum? My DH does this a little, over reacts when things go wrong (spilling juice for example). I have zero tolerance and tell him directly he is overreacting, then carry on enjoying my day. Over the years he has tried hard to be calmer when things go wrong and it has worked to some extent with continued effort on his side. It is partly a learnt behaviour for DH. I half blame his mum (also autistic) who used to blow up at the drop of a hat. Thankfully non of our kids behave this way.

mathanxiety · 05/08/2023 17:39

lovemelongtime · 05/08/2023 16:19

Gosh people have jumped in the deep end
DH is kind and caring, supports me in all aspects of my life, from cooking, housework through to supporting my career over the years.

We have fun together, laugh, socialise and have a shared love of traveling.

The only bad thing is this anger issue. He can flare up at nothing but will forget about it ten mins later. But it is getting more frequent and he doesn't see it.

Imitate him one day?

Go berserk over something very minor. Throw a tantrum that lasts about 20 minutes. Scream, rage, bang cupboard doors, curse - whatever he does. Ask him how it looked, and how he felt.

Or alternatively, sit yourself down and consider your recent experience of cancer as a watershed, which it may well be, to judge from your posting after so many years of putting up with your husband's explosive performances. Something has changed in you, or you would not be posting at this point in your life.

Can you afford to go away on your own for a very restful few days at a spa or nice resort where you could spend some time just enjoying the moment without the threat of a tantrum hanging over you? Could you be very aware of any feelings of anxiety or even dread as you go home?

You do not have to put up with your husband's behaviour or his refusal to talk about it. He clearly thinks he has a right to treat you badly, though. His behaviour is entitled in the extreme. It is abusive and it is controlling.

I suspect you are the only person in his life he treats like this. People who behave like this in a work environment get fired.

Go to therapy on your own. Find a therapist who can help you deal with an angry and controlling partner.

mathanxiety · 05/08/2023 17:43

lovemelongtime · 05/08/2023 17:20

So to be clear it's not necessarily angry at me, just over the top angry about the situation in general.

Show quote history

But does he do this at work?

With colleagues on a trip?

With his siblings at a family gathering?

At a wedding or other outing with others present besides yourself?

Or is it only when he's alone with you that things go so wrong that he flips?

What are his performances of rage and silent treatment accomplishing for him in your relationship?

mathanxiety · 05/08/2023 17:45

Seaweed42 · 05/08/2023 17:33

Instead of getting involved in the content of what's making him angry, instead draw his attention to the context.

For example:

DH: Who put this in the bin, I've said before just wash it and put it there!
You: yes I know but it says recycle on the back.

Instead of the above, you say 'you are talking in a raised voice, it seems you think I've done something wrong'.

Or - 'you seem angry now so we can talk about it later when you are calmer'.

When he gives you the silent treatment, you have to call him on it and name it.

And then either you leave for a few days or request he does.

Find a way for you to control the situation so that you are not spending the time worshiping at the altar of his anger.

Could you see yourself saying something like this:

Say "you are giving me the silent treatment. That is disrespectful and rude and I don't deserve to be treated like that, by you or by anyone.
Unfortunately there's no information for me in silence regarding your feelings so I can't really help you.
I'm going to a hotel/a friend's house for a couple of nights because I don't want to be around you when act disrespectfully towards me."

THIS ^
This is great advice.

Original poster
lovemelongtime · 05/08/2023 17:47

Seaweed42 · 05/08/2023 17:33

Instead of getting involved in the content of what's making him angry, instead draw his attention to the context.

For example:

DH: Who put this in the bin, I've said before just wash it and put it there!
You: yes I know but it says recycle on the back.

Instead of the above, you say 'you are talking in a raised voice, it seems you think I've done something wrong'.

Or - 'you seem angry now so we can talk about it later when you are calmer'.

When he gives you the silent treatment, you have to call him on it and name it.

And then either you leave for a few days or request he does.

Find a way for you to control the situation so that you are not spending the time worshiping at the altar of his anger.

Could you see yourself saying something like this:

Say "you are giving me the silent treatment. That is disrespectful and rude and I don't deserve to be treated like that, by you or by anyone.
Unfortunately there's no information for me in silence regarding your feelings so I can't really help you.
I'm going to a hotel/a friend's house for a couple of nights because I don't want to be around you when act disrespectfully towards me."

Yes you are right, this is what I try to do but I also know that I can react badly when this starts and although I try to stay calm, I do often end up yelling too which gets us precisely nowhere

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemelongtime · 05/08/2023 17:50

mathanxiety · 05/08/2023 17:43

But does he do this at work?

With colleagues on a trip?

With his siblings at a family gathering?

At a wedding or other outing with others present besides yourself?

Or is it only when he's alone with you that things go so wrong that he flips?

What are his performances of rage and silent treatment accomplishing for him in your relationship?

Show quote history

You are right, it is only with me.

I do point this out regularly I've "you wouldn't talk to anyone else like that" or " you wouldn't behave like that if anyone else was here" .

I put this down to the fact that we can be ourselves with each other but it does show lack of respect I think

OP posts:
CyclesPerfecta · 05/08/2023 17:55

My dad an my brother have ADHD, and have similar outbursts out of nowhere. They can get stressed/ overwhelmed easily and just act out of impulse. It is annoying, but we’ve learned to live with it. They’re both very caring and hands on at home.

Boomboom22 · 05/08/2023 17:57

If he's not angry at you and is just verbalise ffs no parking like he would alone then I think this is mostly a you problem. If he's calm 5 mins later just ignore it or agree yes how annoying ffs.

mathanxiety · 05/08/2023 18:56

If he only throws tantrums when he's with you then he's absolutely capable of controlling himself. He is therefore using his temper, not losing it.

Since he's aware of how these performances of temper and silent treatment make you feel, the only conclusion you can reasonably draw from his refusal to listen to you when you tell him how his behaviour makes you feel is that the behaviour is deliberate and designed to fit some purpose in the relationship. What could that be?

A pattern consisting simply of occasional outbursts when things go wrong could be attributed to 'being comfortable'. But refusing to talk about the tantrums means you are dealing with something other than blowing off steam in the heat of the moment.

Dishing out the silent treatment is your other massive clue that something else is going on here. Displays of rage plus the silent treatment a few times a year is a pattern of abuse.

I really urge you to find a therapist who will help you examine the dynamics of this relationship.

Original poster
lovemelongtime · 05/08/2023 19:31

mathanxiety · 05/08/2023 18:56

If he only throws tantrums when he's with you then he's absolutely capable of controlling himself. He is therefore using his temper, not losing it.

Since he's aware of how these performances of temper and silent treatment make you feel, the only conclusion you can reasonably draw from his refusal to listen to you when you tell him how his behaviour makes you feel is that the behaviour is deliberate and designed to fit some purpose in the relationship. What could that be?

A pattern consisting simply of occasional outbursts when things go wrong could be attributed to 'being comfortable'. But refusing to talk about the tantrums means you are dealing with something other than blowing off steam in the heat of the moment.

Dishing out the silent treatment is your other massive clue that something else is going on here. Displays of rage plus the silent treatment a few times a year is a pattern of abuse.

I really urge you to find a therapist who will help you examine the dynamics of this relationship.

Appreciate your message. Perhaps if I can't get him to talk to me I should do this. Thank you. Food for thought.

OP posts:
talkitup · 05/08/2023 19:45

ConnieTucker · 05/08/2023 15:54

He won't talk about it, I just don't know what to do to improve things. How do I get him to see something has to change in how we communicate?

you can’t. You cannot make someone behave in a way you want them to behave. They will behave in a way they want to behave. All you can do is behave in a way you want.

do you want to stay married to an angry man? If you do, you put up with it as this is him. You cannot change him. eventually you might become one of those long time abused women whose husband eventually kills them, maybe not.

Or you decide no you do not want this forever and divorce him.

you cannot change someone else.

Completely agree. He's responsible for his behaviour and OP for hers - which is continuing to live with it. I do understand that OP has been undergoing a very stressful time (and obvs DH has been impacted & may need counselling or other support to move on from what's happened or he may just be a short tempered asshole) - either way, it's not on.

rwalker · 05/08/2023 19:49

My sister and my dad can be off like rockets at the least thing then couple of minutes later it’s as though nothings happened

never used to engage with it and let them crack on when I lived at home

30 years in he will not change this is him it’s a stay or go solution I’m afraid

BHRK · 05/08/2023 19:58

I think I’ve become a bit like your DH and I think it’s because I’m perimenopausal! Never used to be like this, definitely a new thing of losing my temper at not very much.
Him being angry at you is not on at all though, you haven’t done anything wrong. If he can’t see it then tell him you won’t walk on eggshells and it’s time for marriage counselling

ConnieTucker · 05/08/2023 20:15

Annachristie · 05/08/2023 16:29

You cannot change him. eventually you might become one of those long time abused women whose husband eventually kills them, maybe not

It's a big jump from being a supportive husband who gets angry over trivialities, to becoming a possible murderer.

sadly, it isnt.

thecatinthetwat · 05/08/2023 20:36

Maybe counselling for you op. They will help you manage this situation and work out what to do going forward.

Original poster
lovemelongtime · 05/08/2023 21:14

thecatinthetwat · 05/08/2023 20:36

Maybe counselling for you op. They will help you manage this situation and work out what to do going forward.

🙏

OP posts:
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