Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constantly polishing the deckchairs as the Titanic sinks

67 replies

Heygiveitback · 03/08/2023 20:27

Partly a rant and partly WWYD.

Dh has so many good things about him but I’m being driven slowly demented by this character trait.

Whenever there is some ‘free time’ DH will decide some non essential task urgently needs doing and throws himself into it heart body and soul. The frustrating thing is that it leaves me with the children and sorting everything else completely single handed.

This week DH has been on paternity leave which I hoped would be helping me catch up with sleep, bonding with the baby and keeping the house clear of clutter. Instead he decided to paint the spare room. All week has been very lonely as a result as I’m just left holding the baby all day and all evening. If you try to talk to him you just get that ‘it needs doing!’

I am a bit down to be honest.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 03/08/2023 20:29

That’s ridiculous timing and I’d have said no way on account of the fumes and a newborn. I’d also remind him that it’s not a week’s AL but is to parent his daughter and help you recover from the birth

Original poster
Heygiveitback · 03/08/2023 20:30

This is the thing though, you can remind him and point out all you like but once he’s got something in his head he just won’t stop. It is infuriating but there we are.

OP posts:
BHRK · 03/08/2023 20:32

I’d be furious. I’d tell
him he needs to step up and be a parent and stop leaving it all to you. Otherwise he will find that you’re leaving him at home with the kids for six hours while you go to the supermarket and for other shopping “because it needs doing”. I would have the argument with him on repeat til he gets it.. he’s trying to get out of parenting and it’s not on

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 20:33

Indoor paint is low to no VOCs these days so fumes are not a concern.

Have you discussed with him in advance what you need him to do? It’s not much good just hoping he will do x,y,z if you haven’t said so?

I have an ADD DH and he literally has a to do list from me and we always chat about who will do what routine things in the course of a day.

NuffSaidSam · 03/08/2023 20:33

What does he say when you tell him he can't do that and why?

He says 'it needs doing'.

Presumably, you say 'No, it doesn't. Not nearly as much as I need to sleep and you need to bond with your child. Put down the paintbrush and start helping me.'

Then what does he say?

Chasetherainblownfearsaway · 03/08/2023 20:35

My husband used to do this. It's infuriating and made worse by the attitude that you should be grateful for what he did. The only way I found of dealing with it was shouting.

Isthisexpected · 03/08/2023 20:36

It's a strategic move here not a character trait. This is going to be your life. You'll be left with all the hard work of parenting whilst he's doing things in the shed if you don't tackle this now! You need to be able to communicate what you need from him asap.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/08/2023 20:37

Sounds like these tasks are just a way for him to opt out of the gruntwork of parenting and housework tbh.

GotMooMilk · 03/08/2023 20:40

DH was a bit like that on paternity leave with DC2- with the eldest in nursery the baby seemed v easy as she just slept or I breastfed her so he cracked on with lots of house jobs. Very different as I was thrilled he finally got them down- he 100% would have stopped if I’d asked.
I don’t want to defend men but sometimes in those early days they’re a bit of a spare part unless doing something practical. As long as he’s cooking/cleaning/supporting you too I’d let it go but if any other things are lacking he needs to pack it in.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/08/2023 20:41

There was a very similar thread on this the other day. Including one hilarious yet shocking tale from a poster who said that when a tea towel went on fire in the kitchen, rather than put the fire out her DH ran upstairs to get a chair so he could reach the smoke alarm to turn it off.😂

The thread was called "I love my husband but I don't think I can live with him anymore"

Original poster
Heygiveitback · 03/08/2023 20:44

@GotMooMilk there probably is an element of that. I just feel a bit low and fed up with it.

OP posts:
wayyour · 03/08/2023 20:48

I wouldn't prevent him painting the room entirely, as he could do a bit each day, but a word needs to be had about pulling his weight and helping. It sounds like he might be doing it to avoid helping.

Bluetrews25 · 03/08/2023 20:48

Has he had much hands on time doing changes, baths, feeds (if appropriate), bedtimes? Is he perhaps a bit nervous about it and therefore dodging it?

It's paternity leave, not decorating leave. Or sorting out the garage leave. Or doing the garden leave. It's help-the wife-with-the baby leave, and nothing else.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2023 20:49

Chasetherainblownfearsaway · 03/08/2023 20:35

My husband used to do this. It's infuriating and made worse by the attitude that you should be grateful for what he did. The only way I found of dealing with it was shouting.

Yes to shouting. But also, I referred to these as 'baby avoidance tasks'. So if DH said he was going to plant a bed of flowers, paint the spare room or batch cook, I would say, "that's clearly a baby avoidance task, I need your support right now".

Even years later if he mentions doing a task like that he will smile and say 'it's not a baby avoidance task, I promise'.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2023 20:50

Ooh I’d want to brain him. Have a serious word/put the baby on him and go run a bath/read a book/scroll your phone/go out. It’s his baby too, why’s he not interested in spending time with her?

AliMonkey · 03/08/2023 20:53

Reminds me of the time that DH offered to cook dinner for friends (before we lived together so was at his house not mine) and half an hour before they were due to arrive was still putting down new tiles on the kitchen floor with no food prep done. I was so embarrassed for him that I started cooking, but realise now that was a slippery slope. My bug bear is when the whole house needs cleaning so instead of a quick hoover or dust of several rooms, he will spend hours cleaning and tidying one room. Part of me thinks I should be grateful he does some cleaning and then I pull myself together and tell myself not to be so stupid.

Have you tried literally handing him the baby and saying "I'm going for a nap"?

PopT4rts · 03/08/2023 21:01

Is there a shop you need to go to for about an hour because "it needs doing" - just leave the kids and run for it!

My husband takes himself off to do little jobs all the time and wonders why I'm frustrated when I can't do things I want to. Before I can even stop him, he's gone.

I've started just saying "I'm doing x y z" and then go, and usually there's no resistance. I just needed to be blunt and to the point.

Can you ask family or a friend to come round and help? Might bring the point home to him that you need help. His pride might think she shouldn't need to ask for help externally, I should be helping.

Discotek993 · 03/08/2023 21:04

Does he have ADHD? Or does he have any other traits of it and could perhaps be undiagnosed? I do this, it's possibly my biggest trait getting "stuck" on things and I have no idea I'm doing it until someone points it out to me and I am literally physically unable to stop it, it's like a motor has taken over my brain and body.

Wibblewombatz · 03/08/2023 21:09

Yep, it's hyperfocus with adhd.

However, i think this is baby avoidance.

I would shout.

EarthSight · 03/08/2023 21:12

The frustrating thing is that it leaves me with the children and sorting everything else completely single handed

Of course he will. That is the WHOLE point!

Welcome to the rest of your life with him I'm afraid. He's showing the level of respect he has for you when he utterly takes the piss like that. In my book, you just don't do that to people you love and respect.

WhatADrabCarpet · 03/08/2023 21:13

Maybe he feels that this is a good time to get things done that needed doing that you can't do? Have you discussed this?

EarthSight · 03/08/2023 21:13

Also OP, please don't go down the route of thinking he has ADHD and tolerating years of shittyness because of it.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 21:16

Wibblewombatz · 03/08/2023 21:09

Yep, it's hyperfocus with adhd.

However, i think this is baby avoidance.

I would shout.

Shouting is damaging to a newborn.

ClementWeatherToday · 03/08/2023 21:18

The frustrating thing is that it leaves me with the children and sorting everything else completely single handed

"No, you can't do DIY now. You.are.on PATERNITY leave, to support me with the new baby. I need you to do the laundry, make lunch, wash up, sort out the older kids,.look after the baby while I take a shower and have a nap. You do not have time.for DIY. Stop trying to avoid family life."

What does he say when you say this?

NoSquirrels · 03/08/2023 21:22

WhatADrabCarpet · 03/08/2023 21:13

Maybe he feels that this is a good time to get things done that needed doing that you can't do? Have you discussed this?

Maybe he does.

But if so he’s totally fucking wrong, isn’t he? Because he’s on PATERNITY leave. Clue’s in the name. His one job on paternity leave is to support the mother of his baby, parent the baby and any children, and do other baby-or child-related care or support tasks.

Which painting a room is … not.

I’m sorry you feel low, OP. You need to get him to hear you. Flowers