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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constantly polishing the deckchairs as the Titanic sinks

67 replies

Heygiveitback · 03/08/2023 20:27

Partly a rant and partly WWYD.

Dh has so many good things about him but I’m being driven slowly demented by this character trait.

Whenever there is some ‘free time’ DH will decide some non essential task urgently needs doing and throws himself into it heart body and soul. The frustrating thing is that it leaves me with the children and sorting everything else completely single handed.

This week DH has been on paternity leave which I hoped would be helping me catch up with sleep, bonding with the baby and keeping the house clear of clutter. Instead he decided to paint the spare room. All week has been very lonely as a result as I’m just left holding the baby all day and all evening. If you try to talk to him you just get that ‘it needs doing!’

I am a bit down to be honest.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/08/2023 08:19

Waterweir · 04/08/2023 08:15

From previous posters -

'My husband used to do this. It's infuriating and made worse by the attitude that you should be grateful for what he did. The only way I found of dealing with it was shouting.'

'Yep, it's hyperfocus with adhd.
However, i think this is baby avoidance.
I would shout.'

Yes, and? They’re not glorifying or ‘recommending’ shouting, or boasting about it, they’re saying ‘I got frustrated and shouted when this happened to me’ or ‘I would shout (because I’d be frustrated in your situation, OP)’.

I’m pretty everyone understands not shouting would be better if the person in question would listen to a calmer approach.

Deathbyfluffy · 04/08/2023 08:19

EarthSight · 03/08/2023 21:13

Also OP, please don't go down the route of thinking he has ADHD and tolerating years of shittyness because of it.

Or you know, they could work together as a couple if it is ADHD - get it diagnosed and dealt with?
Far too sensible for the ‘get the pitchforks and shout at him’ brigade I know, but it’s an option!

ReleasetheCrackHen · 04/08/2023 08:20

Deathbyfluffy · 04/08/2023 08:19

Or you know, they could work together as a couple if it is ADHD - get it diagnosed and dealt with?
Far too sensible for the ‘get the pitchforks and shout at him’ brigade I know, but it’s an option!

Show quote history

Thank you for saying this. I had same reaction but couldn’t verbalise it.

Middlelanehogger · 04/08/2023 08:21

Painting a room sounds quite useful to me. You could always call him over if you need to go to the bathroom for a minute. I'd be quite happy he was doing some of the rainy day jobs tbh!

Stormydanielss · 04/08/2023 08:39

Sounds like he's just trying to avoid looking after the kids
Some men will do anything to get out of it whilst looking like they are being "helpful"
There's a neighbour here who cleans his cars every weekend for hours with the jet wash and I always think that's so he doesn't have to bother with the kids

Waterweir · 04/08/2023 08:43

@NoSquirrels
Sounds like you are defending 'shouting' as a means of punishment.
There is some great advice on here which does not advocate shouting.
'Parenting and family life needs to be treated like a job share with good communication and plenty of time to draft lists and agree what needs to be done when well in advance. If you don't put time into communicating and working together you end up both being cross and shouty.'

Original poster
Heygiveitback · 04/08/2023 09:23

Well, there are some sensible posts on here! Some a bit mad but …

I was feeling a bit exhausted and low yesterday. As we all know newborns are gruelling at the best of times and we’ve had some complications relating to recovery and feeding which were getting me down a bit. It can be a long day with a baby (again, as we all know.)

To his credit DH has taken on care of the toddler which is no small feat and is doing the nursery runs, getting up with the toddler at 5am and bath/bedtime. He is by no means doing ‘nothing.’ Part of the problem is I’m usually very hands on myself but I’m unable to be so am just sat helpless with a baby. And so then DH only has a tiny window of time to do these ‘essential’ tasks in the garden / upstairs but unfortunately leave me feeling even more isolated.

No one is ‘wrong’ (and no one has ADHD) it is just hard work. I can see that a bit more objectively in the morning light.

OP posts:
RosaSkye · 04/08/2023 11:03

I completely get it OP. I don’t think it’s as dramatic as avoiding all parenting etc etc

When you’re the primary caregiver you’re mentally prioritising all the time and you know that you have to ‘earn the calm’ by taking steps A,B,C first

I think it’s quite hard to step into that mentally on paternity leave. Hopefully you’ll have a nice fresh room to use too x

Chasetherainblownfearsaway · 04/08/2023 11:44

@Waterweir I can't really believe this needs saying but, for the avoidance of doubt (and for the people who were absent when sarcasm and irony were covered at school), I was not advocating spending one's maternity leave having non-stop screaming rows. I yelled at my husband out of exhausted frustration when he spent 2 hours rearranging the food cupboard while I tried vainly to soothe a colicky baby, then proudly showed me the result. The baby was yelling too; maybe she agreed with me.

Wotchaz · 04/08/2023 11:53

I feel your pain OP. When I had just had DC1 and suffering sever PPD/PPA, my DH spent hours of his paternity leave sharpening all his shaving razors.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 05/08/2023 00:33

You realise this is on purpose yes?

It's the husband who cuts the grass while the wife cleans the house because his parents are coming over. It's the man who changes the tires when Christmas dinner is being prepared.

Take as old as time. It's a way to get out of being told what to do or doing something to actually help. Because there's peace and quiet in polishing the deck chairs... and no blame that the ship sank.

TheAverageJoanne · 05/08/2023 00:43

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/08/2023 20:41

There was a very similar thread on this the other day. Including one hilarious yet shocking tale from a poster who said that when a tea towel went on fire in the kitchen, rather than put the fire out her DH ran upstairs to get a chair so he could reach the smoke alarm to turn it off.😂

The thread was called "I love my husband but I don't think I can live with him anymore"

When a tea towel caught fire in my kitchen the cat ran upstairs to tell me. Takeaway: Cats are more useful than men.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 05/08/2023 00:47

Cloudburstings · 03/08/2023 21:25

@Heygiveitback
my DH can do this sort of thing.

first baby - was partly not knowing what do to on paternity leave - found the idea of the unknown and following my lead difficult. Spent hours late into the night researching stuff like schools and nursery’s and registering new born DC for nurseries and wondering why I wasn’t grateful.

was better eith DC2 as could focus on looking after the older one as ‘his job’.
He was (is) a shocker for decided as we get in from a big day out that he needs to weed the garden / sweep the hall / fix that chair the moment we arrive back.

literally sometimes I’d call for his help as I struggled into the house with a baby and toddler and have him say ‘but I’m doing the garden’. Leaving me to get them drinks snacks helped to the loo changed fed all the admin little kids need arrive home alone.

it was driving me bananas until I read a similar thread here that pointed out this is ND self soothing behaviour.

DH is a strong introvert. No other diagnosis but and he has hyper focus and single minded must complete X once he’s started on it.

reframing my understanding of him has really helped me feel less angry and let down.

and I am clear with myself and him about my needs. When I am up to it I let him do what he needs. And then make sure I get my time to recover later.

when I’m not in VERY clear and direct and specific with him about what I need.

eg I know you feel the garden is urgent but right now DC1 needs blah and DC2 needs blah and I also need a drink / wee. Please will you do blah for DC1 ans watch DC2 and when I’m back from the loo you can get back to the garden.

etc

Jesus. The idea of parenting my husband while parenting children makes me feel sick.

Flittingaboutagain · 05/08/2023 17:20

TheWayoftheLeaf · 05/08/2023 00:47

Jesus. The idea of parenting my husband while parenting children makes me feel sick.

Show quote history

I'm currently deciding whether I can hack this life too. It's so draining.

Sailingthissummer · 05/08/2023 17:52

Look up avoidant in relationships.
This runs deeper than jobs and chores; he is actively avoiding the bonding with you and his baby. You are going to feel deeply lonely and isolated with someone like this both now and in the long term unless it is addressed.

aflix · 05/08/2023 18:25

It's a very long time since I had a baby, but I can still remember the relief when DH went back to work. Life became simple again, just me and the kids to worry about.

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2023 20:08

Wotchaz · 04/08/2023 11:53

I feel your pain OP. When I had just had DC1 and suffering sever PPD/PPA, my DH spent hours of his paternity leave sharpening all his shaving razors.

How awful. Has your relationship recovered?

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