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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constantly polishing the deckchairs as the Titanic sinks

67 replies

Heygiveitback · 03/08/2023 20:27

Partly a rant and partly WWYD.

Dh has so many good things about him but I’m being driven slowly demented by this character trait.

Whenever there is some ‘free time’ DH will decide some non essential task urgently needs doing and throws himself into it heart body and soul. The frustrating thing is that it leaves me with the children and sorting everything else completely single handed.

This week DH has been on paternity leave which I hoped would be helping me catch up with sleep, bonding with the baby and keeping the house clear of clutter. Instead he decided to paint the spare room. All week has been very lonely as a result as I’m just left holding the baby all day and all evening. If you try to talk to him you just get that ‘it needs doing!’

I am a bit down to be honest.

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 03/08/2023 21:24

Isthisexpected · 03/08/2023 20:36

It's a strategic move here not a character trait. This is going to be your life. You'll be left with all the hard work of parenting whilst he's doing things in the shed if you don't tackle this now! You need to be able to communicate what you need from him asap.

Yes, this. A very common strategy used by men to never actually parent.

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 21:24

Isthisexpected · 03/08/2023 20:36

It's a strategic move here not a character trait. This is going to be your life. You'll be left with all the hard work of parenting whilst he's doing things in the shed if you don't tackle this now! You need to be able to communicate what you need from him asap.

Yep. You'll be doing 100% of the childcare and housework for ever, while he potters about in the man cave doing Very Important Jobs That Need Doing, conveniently away from crying puking babies. Nip it in the bud right now.

@MrsTerryPratchett is spot on, these are baby avoidance tasks and he needs to understand that it's not on.

Cloudburstings · 03/08/2023 21:25

@Heygiveitback
my DH can do this sort of thing.

first baby - was partly not knowing what do to on paternity leave - found the idea of the unknown and following my lead difficult. Spent hours late into the night researching stuff like schools and nursery’s and registering new born DC for nurseries and wondering why I wasn’t grateful.

was better eith DC2 as could focus on looking after the older one as ‘his job’.
He was (is) a shocker for decided as we get in from a big day out that he needs to weed the garden / sweep the hall / fix that chair the moment we arrive back.

literally sometimes I’d call for his help as I struggled into the house with a baby and toddler and have him say ‘but I’m doing the garden’. Leaving me to get them drinks snacks helped to the loo changed fed all the admin little kids need arrive home alone.

it was driving me bananas until I read a similar thread here that pointed out this is ND self soothing behaviour.

DH is a strong introvert. No other diagnosis but and he has hyper focus and single minded must complete X once he’s started on it.

reframing my understanding of him has really helped me feel less angry and let down.

and I am clear with myself and him about my needs. When I am up to it I let him do what he needs. And then make sure I get my time to recover later.

when I’m not in VERY clear and direct and specific with him about what I need.

eg I know you feel the garden is urgent but right now DC1 needs blah and DC2 needs blah and I also need a drink / wee. Please will you do blah for DC1 ans watch DC2 and when I’m back from the loo you can get back to the garden.

etc

BreehyHinnyBrinnyHoohyHah · 03/08/2023 21:25

He's doing it to avoid parenting.

GiraffeDoor · 03/08/2023 21:33

We got home from having our 4th baby at 6pm (baby was about 8 hrs old at this point), husband was out cutting the grass by 6.30. Bath/bed for our other three young children was also 6.30pm 🙄

One self-contained, finite task is much easier than the general fire fighting shit show that is looking after babies/toddlers/young kids. And at the end he gets to stand back and give himself a lovely pat on the back for a job well done (which you never get with parenting!) In short, it's a dick move.

Original poster
Heygiveitback · 03/08/2023 21:40

It is frustrating.

I am positive DH isn’t ND. I do think there’s an element of trying to be ‘useful’ and he hasn’t been awful, some things he has done are very helpful. But painting a room is not one of them it has to be said. I’m feeling it as I can’t drive so trapped in and do feel isolated.

OP posts:
GiraffeDoor · 03/08/2023 21:52

I had 2 C-sections, so my husband kept saying he was doing jobs that I wouldn't be able to do (like cutting the bloody grass, or painting the fascia boards etc). Which kind of sounds great and very helpful, and I definitely wouldn't have been able to do those jobs. Except I ALSO couldn't easily look after a baby, never mind change a toddler's nappy etc.

I get that it's frustrating essentially just being on call to do boring jobs, but that's parenting!! If you have older kids at home, then they should be his responsibility whilst he's on paternity.

Canisaysomething · 03/08/2023 21:58

It sounds like you just don't know how to work as a team. You want the short term instant jobs done and he wants the long term rainy day jobs done. You won't make any progress by just both insisting you are right.

Parenting and family life needs to be treated like a job share with good communication and plenty of time to draft lists and agree what needs to be done when well in advance. If you don't put time into communicating and working together you end up both being cross and shouty.

ru53 · 03/08/2023 21:59

Sounds very frustrating! Giving him the benefit of the doubt I think you need to tell him very clearly that you’re feeling a bit lonely and down and you really need his support in ways other than painting! Don’t frame it as telling him not to paint the room, frame it as ‘this is what I really need from you right now’.

Thepossibility · 03/08/2023 22:07

My DH is an amazing, hands on dad. Not a baby or child avoider at all. When I had DC1 he built us a stone fence, by hand and all by himself.
Out there digging the trench in the rain.
I joked that he had decided that baby needs a fancy fence.
When I had DC2 he built an alfresco area. We'd lived in that house for 6 years at that point, and suddenly it needed to happen. Baby needed an Alfresco.
I think it was some type of nesting and providing for the baby, he's not usually keen on DIY.

2catsandhappy · 03/08/2023 22:31

Tell him it is not PAINTERNITY. Point to things and say do this, do that, until he gets it.

bonzaitree · 03/08/2023 23:04

For gods sake woman put your foot down.

Tell him no you’re not painting a room. You’re in paternity leave you need to parent! That’s what it’s for!!! To give you a break and keep a tiny human safe and well.

Tell him what you need him to do.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/08/2023 23:14

It sounds like you have other dc too - is he leaving all their parenting up to you too?

mangopassionfruitlatte · 04/08/2023 03:44

I wouldn't like paint with a baby in the house from a health point of view however I can sort of see his point because frankly, this is your life now it will never be lie ins and restful sleep. Even when your baby is being watched you still don't switch off as a mum. You need to learn to cope because paternity leave is nothing, it's so short he can't actually give you enough support even if he spent all of it with you focused on you two because sleep deprivation and parenthood is relentless.. at least with a practical task it's done, your lack of sleep and bonding is a forever thing.

mangopassionfruitlatte · 04/08/2023 03:45

Canisaysomething · 03/08/2023 21:58

It sounds like you just don't know how to work as a team. You want the short term instant jobs done and he wants the long term rainy day jobs done. You won't make any progress by just both insisting you are right.

Parenting and family life needs to be treated like a job share with good communication and plenty of time to draft lists and agree what needs to be done when well in advance. If you don't put time into communicating and working together you end up both being cross and shouty.

This is excellent advice.

The husband is actually doing positive things for the family, they just aren't on OP's schedule or priority but they are important to him. Work together, compromise and make lists.

RoSa1719 · 04/08/2023 04:40

My husband is the total opposite and gets absolutely nothing done!
my son had fitted wardrobes done about 4 months ago…… do you think he’s painted them yet? Our hallway was plastered about 3 months ago and is still waiting to be painted!!! This INFURIATES me that he has no get up and go to do it.

it’s funny hearing things from the other side of it

MysteryBelle · 04/08/2023 05:57
  1. It’s his way of weaseling out of doing what he really needs to be doing. Supporting you. Spending time with you, with the baby, with the family. Helping you.

Instead he finds an obscure all consuming task like painting the spare room.

  1. He thinks the time will be wasted unless he gets a project done.

Maybe if you talk to him you can resolve this. You need support right now!

MysteryBelle · 04/08/2023 06:01

Thepossibility · 03/08/2023 22:07

My DH is an amazing, hands on dad. Not a baby or child avoider at all. When I had DC1 he built us a stone fence, by hand and all by himself.
Out there digging the trench in the rain.
I joked that he had decided that baby needs a fancy fence.
When I had DC2 he built an alfresco area. We'd lived in that house for 6 years at that point, and suddenly it needed to happen. Baby needed an Alfresco.
I think it was some type of nesting and providing for the baby, he's not usually keen on DIY.

This is so funny 😂 now that I think about it, when I had our baby, my husband built a fancy workbench complete with all these sliding drawers and beautiful stained wood top, it was very impressive and huge. He’d never done carpentry work in his life 😅

What is this phenomenon?? 😄

MysteryBelle · 04/08/2023 06:04

It’s like they have to prove they can do something as impressive as us giving birth like it’s a competition 😂

CobraKaiNeverLoses · 04/08/2023 06:14

bonzaitree · 03/08/2023 23:04

For gods sake woman put your foot down.

Tell him no you’re not painting a room. You’re in paternity leave you need to parent! That’s what it’s for!!! To give you a break and keep a tiny human safe and well.

Tell him what you need him to do.

Basically this.

Waterweir · 04/08/2023 06:35

So many wives on here boasting that their response is to 'shout'. Much worse for a baby to have the first weeks of life being looked after by a screaming mother. Also the posters telling women that they should give a list of to do jobs to their husbands so that men do not use their initiative. I can see the pressures of having a new born but I don't see the need to resort to shouting. It is not a good example to anyone.

Muu · 04/08/2023 06:42

Put your foot down and say no, you need him on hand for support at the moment. This isn’t a week of holiday it’s paternity leave.

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2023 07:48

Waterweir · 04/08/2023 06:35

So many wives on here boasting that their response is to 'shout'. Much worse for a baby to have the first weeks of life being looked after by a screaming mother. Also the posters telling women that they should give a list of to do jobs to their husbands so that men do not use their initiative. I can see the pressures of having a new born but I don't see the need to resort to shouting. It is not a good example to anyone.

No one’s ‘boasting’ about shouting, don’t be daft!

Posters are saying - fuck yes, this is a frustrating situation that can lead to an overwhelmed post-partum mother to lose her temper.

DilemmaDelilah · 04/08/2023 08:14

I have a DH a bit like that. It is usually useful stuff, but not always. Most of the time I put up with it because he does actually more than pull his weight... but I did let him know in no uncertain terms when he decided to spend several hours outside on the driveway fiddling around with wiring in the car so that he could fit a sat nav, when I was just out of hospital and wouldn't be able to get hold of him if I needed help. One hour would have been OK, but not the whole morning. No actually - sat nav does not 'need doing' in the grand scheme of things. Today I need clean sheets on the bed. I am now strong enough to take most of the dirty bedding off and I can change the pillowcases, but he will need to do the rest. If he decides that fitting the new chrome wheel arches is more important I will NOT be pleased! (New second hand car... He is very excited)

Waterweir · 04/08/2023 08:15

From previous posters -

'My husband used to do this. It's infuriating and made worse by the attitude that you should be grateful for what he did. The only way I found of dealing with it was shouting.'

'Yep, it's hyperfocus with adhd.
However, i think this is baby avoidance.
I would shout.'