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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you deal with a partner who comes home in a bad mood

70 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 03/08/2023 19:42

Just interested to see how others deal with this

My partner has come home from work in a bad mood, he had a bad day and he's tired. I said to him when I spoke to him on the phone (I rang to discuss what to have for dinner) and I said, can you use the drive home to unwind a bit because I don't want you to come home and make me feel horrible.

However he came home and has made several petty/unkind comments and just generally been unpleasant to be around.

After a few of these comments I said, I am trying to be patient with you but if you carry on speaking to me like this I am going to lose my temper.

He carried on and it turned into a disagreement. No shouting but I feel upset and he is now acting like I'm the cause of all his problems.

How do others deal with this? Can there be something I do differently?

I do a lot for him and I just resent being sniped at, I sympathise that he has had a bad day but I don't think he should be taking that out on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 03/08/2023 19:44

I'm going to put my daughter to bed now and he will be there when I come down stairs so really hoping for pearls of wisdom.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 03/08/2023 19:47

I’d just ignore him completely until he can be civil. Same as you’d ignore a toddler tantrum…

Cherrysoup · 03/08/2023 19:53

I completely go quiet and usually, my dh eventually says sorry, I’m tired, I know I’m grumpy, sorry and that’s it. Sometimes he needs to vent and I just listen/sympathise. He has a job where he only sees the shit.

something2say · 03/08/2023 20:03

Yeah I used to make myself scarce basically. I can get in a mood occasionally, it happens. Best left alone. Sorry xx how about a nice bath?

MillWood85 · 03/08/2023 20:05

Poor behaviour is never rewarded with interaction in this house, kids or adults alike. He's got no right to take his day out on you.

Give him plenty of space and don't push him to calm down or be nice.

Isthisexpected · 03/08/2023 20:07

Echo above. Completely ignore.

Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 03/08/2023 20:11

Well I guess this is where I've been going wrong all these years.

OP posts:
mangopassionfruitlatte · 03/08/2023 20:13

I'd give him space. He can't 'unwind' on the drive. It's his home, too and he is allowed to let his guard down at home. Lots of people aren't in the mood to chat after constant noise and harassment at work.

If he is always miserable it could be a bigger thing like depression or needs a job change but as a rare thing, I'd make myself scarce and leave him alone to unwind. I wouldn't start harping on about dinner and innate chitchats. I'd only speak if something is urgent and he needs to know right now otherwise it waits.

Even if you live together, people need their own alone time and are allowed to want to be quiet or not talk sometimes. Don't take it personally and chat with your friends or online instead when he wants to be quiet.

amiold · 03/08/2023 20:15

Eat your tea. Have a bath. Go to bed/watch tv in a different room. Don't even get into it with him if he's that way out, you don't need it so leave him to it

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 03/08/2023 20:19

If I knew OH was in a bad mood, I would just give him some space and let him come round in his own time.

If he is feeling snippy and irritable it's best not to put yourself in the firing line.

calorcalorcalor · 03/08/2023 20:21

Rather than ignoring/avoiding him why don't you ask him about his day and what's upset him? Surely if he has the opportunity to talk about it and vent a bit he won't be so snappy? (hopefully!)

Tittyfilarious81 · 03/08/2023 20:22

I've always just made my dh a brew when he gets in and let him wind down id usually just get on with anything that wants doing so he gets some time on his own

Tittyfilarious81 · 03/08/2023 20:23

I should add I do ask him if he wants to talk about it if he doesn't I let it be

Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 03/08/2023 20:34

calorcalorcalor · 03/08/2023 20:21

Rather than ignoring/avoiding him why don't you ask him about his day and what's upset him? Surely if he has the opportunity to talk about it and vent a bit he won't be so snappy? (hopefully!)

This is what I usually do, but he never wants to talk about it. I'm not great at ignoring tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 03/08/2023 20:37

Tittyfilarious81 · 03/08/2023 20:23

I should add I do ask him if he wants to talk about it if he doesn't I let it be

That's lovely of you. I genuinely mean that.

I have a 2 year old and I expect him to help with getting everything ready for dinner. I don't think it's on for him to sit and ignore her after not seeing her all day and I also don't think it's my job to run around after him every evening whilst he unwinds. Perhaps I would if he ever gave me opportunities to unwind too.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2023 20:39

How often is this?

Once a year, pfft.

Once a week I'd be having proper words.

Anyhoodaloo · 03/08/2023 20:50

So, did he come across as being in a bad mood when you phoned him so you said the comment or did you pre empt him by telling him to unwind?

EarthSight · 03/08/2023 21:03

Yes - and it was one of the reasons that finished us after over a decade. It is low level pent up anger and aggression, and sorrys only go so far when your partner consistently treats you like their emotional punchbag.

Lots of advice will tell you to let them have their space. I assume these wealthy people live in very large houses, because when you live in an average small house, the atmosphere permeates the place. If they're like that because they can't handle every day stresses & strains, you will lose hours of your relationship to it because there'll always be something that will set off neurotic people.

Mine used to apoligise, to have me come back in the room, and then used to carry on being grumpy, snappy or nasty. Some of them will follow you into a different room because what they want is an audience, someone to lash out on, whilst suking in your positive energy or bring you down with them to cheer themselves up. Misery does often love company.

People like this are also often very selective with who they do this to. Uusally it's someone they don't respect, who they think they can dump on without any substantial consequence.

EarthSight · 03/08/2023 21:09

RedRobyn2021 · 03/08/2023 20:34

This is what I usually do, but he never wants to talk about it. I'm not great at ignoring tbh.

Show quote history

No he won't want to talk about it OP because it's all part of the game. Why would be open an honest with you? That might lead to a resolution, when what he actually wants to do is emotionally punish you and milk you for attention.

They want someone to notice their frowny face and snappyness, to ask them how they are, to fawn on them. They really enjoy it. It puts the other person in a subordinate, people pleasing position, like a mother trying to appease a sulky toddler in a supermarket who's about to kick off.

frozendaisy · 03/08/2023 21:43

I would tell him well you're home now the place you can leave work behind say hello to your daughter she doesn't deserve a grumpy moody dad she has done nothing wrong and neither have I. But if you want to sit here all sourpuss then fine you are not going to drag us down with you. I might point out if I was feeling generous, I am happy to listen to your bad bad day but not be blamed for it.

I would have a bath with a book.

Take book to bed.

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 03/08/2023 21:51

Well, he’s a dick for saying petty things to you and goading you, that’s nothing to do with his bad mood that’s just being a shit person.

My husband is a farmer and there are a tonne of shitty work days right now, it’s a wet harvest. I make supper for all of us, judge his mood when he’s home and if he’s edgy I just leave him to have some quiet time. Mine does usually like to offload after he’s gathered his thoughts, the nature of farming is too much time alone in your own head thinking about stuff and catastrophising.

Dacadactyl · 03/08/2023 21:59

I think it depends on the set up you haveand hoe iften it happens. If you dont work, then it's not fair to expect him to cook when he gets home imo. If you work too, it gets more complicated though, because why should you have to do the tea and bring money in etc.

When my DH gets home from work his tea is on the table with a brew, but then I was a SAHM when the kids were preschool age and now work PT school hours so is easy for me to do this.

In your shoes, if I knew he was in a bad mood, I'd have made the tea for him and not mentioned anything. But if this is a regular occurrence then thats when it becomes a problem.

sandyhappypeople · 03/08/2023 23:22

My partner has come home from work in a bad mood, he had a bad day and he's tired. I said to him when I spoke to him on the phone (I rang to discuss what to have for dinner) and I said, can you use the drive home to unwind a bit because I don't want you to come home and make me feel horrible.

IMO that's quite a condescending thing to say, like telling someone to 'just calm down'. For a start driving home isn't going to help you unwind in the slightest after a shit day, especially if there's roadworks or idiot drivers, and for seconds, if he knows you're already annoyed at him for him having problems, what do you think is going to happen when he comes in? When I was in a high pressure job I used to come home, vent about my day for 20 minutes to my very supportive and patient DH and that was it, forgot about until the next day. Sometimes you just need someone to be supportive and actually listen, and vice versa.

It sounds from your posts that you're annoyed at him / taking it personally that he's had a bad day and are literally telling him that you don't want to hear about it and you don't want him to come home in a mood? And you're wondering why he's come home actually IN a mood after that confrontational exchange? You rang him, not the other way round, do you normally call to discuss what to have for dinner? Wouldn't you already know what you're having for dinner? Surely that whole thing could have been avoided with better planning from both sides in the first place? Do you give him ANY time to unwind once he gets back or has he got to jump straight into getting dinner ready?

Do you work as well?

MichelleScarn · 03/08/2023 23:28

Agree with @sandyhappypeople

mangopassionfruitlatte · 04/08/2023 03:36

I'm guessing you don't work op.
Parents are entitled to time off, too. You're expecting him to help when he's having a bad day and he told you this in advance so you knew it wasn't personal and then you want him to act how you like, telling him to unwind on the drive and then you want him to talk when he doesn't want, to create an argument and more bad atmosphere. I bet if you'd given him space he would have come around much sooner and with less drama.
Your needs do not trump his, he is the one who had a bad day.
When it's your turn and you had a bad day and want to talk, the opposite of what he would want, then he should listen to you. People deal with stress differently, you sound controlling.