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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Female friend

60 replies

Imagineit · 02/08/2023 04:06

Ok, I need perspective. I'm seeing someone, seems lovely, attentive, no red flags. BUT he has this female friend. They've been friends for years. I have met her once, she's really beautiful. Damn it.

He told me yesterday that they are going for a meal and a drink next week and I can't get my head around it. I don't have a close male friend. I did once but we ended up together after the relationship I was in broke down. Ex the same, he ended up getting it on with a mutual female friend very soon after we broke up.

I don't know what to do with this but it makes me want to run a mile. He described her like a sister, but my friend described my ex like a brother about a week later they were a 'thing'.

Honestly, I'm not sure I believe in men and women just being 'friends'. I know this is probably based on my own experience and because my the relationship I ended recently (abusive) was so bad, I'm hyper vigilant for any issues because I'd like to walk away before getting too involved in anything messy. Any advice?

OP posts:
Masterofhappydays · 02/08/2023 04:10

I think if you’re not happy then you probably should end the relationship. She will likely always be there.

I always thought men and women could be friends, my best friend for so many years was a male. He did end up confessing feeling. Now I’m not so sure it can ever be platonic between a male and female. I know I’ll get slammed for that comment on here, but it just seems biology takes over.

Paq · 02/08/2023 06:05

I have lots of male friends who I have meals/drinks with. My DH has lots of female friends and does the same. We have been married 18 years with no issues.

I think being friends with women is a good sign in a man because it shows that he values women beyond his perception of their fuckability.

You will also read loads of examples of men who have emotional/physical affairs with their "friends".

Ultimately it's up to you whether you are happy with this particular man and how he treats you but if you decide that you will never date a man who has any female friends you will severely reduce your dating pool. As well as being rather controlling of your other half's future friendships.

Original poster
Imagineit · 02/08/2023 08:04

It's never about not dating someone with female friends, it's that they are going 'for a meal and a drink' 1:1, that's a date in my mind?

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 02/08/2023 08:08

I think its fine to end it if your not comfortable. Not fine to give him an ultermatum and expect him to ditch friends for you when you have only started dating.

Original poster
Imagineit · 02/08/2023 08:09

Of course not. I would never give him an ultimatum

OP posts:
continentallentil · 02/08/2023 08:16

I have lots of make friends, I’ve been on solo holidays with them and weekends away with them, solo drinks and dinners all the time. My partner the same with his female friends.

If you aren’t comfortable with it then you aren’t, but yes men and women can be friends.

HappilyContentTheseDays · 02/08/2023 08:21

I'm really sad to read this...if you like your date, carry on dating them. It's perfectly OK to have male-female friends and for there to be nothing in it.

I used to have a really close male friend, for years and years. There was no attraction at all, he wasn't my type one bit and I'd told him that. But he was a fantastic friend. I dated others on and off and at one point he was in a relationship with a widow and they became very close. He thought she was The One.

He wanted me to meet her and we went for a meal in London, the three of us, he was obviously trying to bring her into his social circle. She was very wary of me, despite my saying to her we were just friends and I was pleased he'd found such a lovely partner etc. I even had a word with her when we went to the ladies' loos - not sure if it was right to do that, but just to reassure her I wasn't a threat and not the slightest bit interested in him.
But she wasn't happy still, I shall never really understand why and apparently there was a row about it afterwards. What on earth was there to row about??

My advice is don't do the same if your date is otherwise lovely and someone you want to be with.

My male friend and I would go for 1-1 meals, can't imagine why it's an issue, and no, that isn't a date!! It's a meal, just like I would go out with my female friends. We'd also go to the theatre if he got tickets - he was in the civil service and they got loads of free tickets for shows and would take various friends with him.

And no, we weren't young things, I would have been in my 40s when we became friends and I knew him until COVID struck. Sadly he was admitted to hospital with something else, got COVID and died. I miss him lots, not in a romantic sense but his comments, life advice, and ability to discuss anything with a male perspective rather than a female viewpoint....I miss all that.

I'm saying all this because it really is fine for a man to have a female friend and if your date is very open about it, and it's clearly just a friend, what is the problem?

Original poster
Imagineit · 02/08/2023 08:27

@HappilyContentTheseDays thank you so much for this perspective. I'm really not sure if it's this thing or if I'm just having a general wobble because I really like him and feeling extremely vulnerable. Your post reminded me that life is too short and that I should think twice before throwing something away.

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 02/08/2023 08:31

A man with female friends, especially ones he's known for years, is totally fine and I think jts a good thing. I am, in fact, having dinner with my oldest friend tonight who also happens to be a man.

I am a bit more on the fence about making new female friends when you are in a relationship as any good friendship takes a lot of time to cultivate, but also appreciate that is a bit hypocritical.

I think the difference for me is that if he wanted to date this woman, pre meeting you he was single so he could have.

Original poster
Imagineit · 02/08/2023 08:32

Maybe I can get some kind of reassurance by talking to him about it. Where would I even start? Please note I am securely not the high maintenance type to be handing out demands and ultimatums. I would never try to change someone because that would never work anyway. I'm trying to remember his wording. I think it was 'taking her for a meal and drink' rather than 'meeting.' This again sets off my alarm bells

OP posts:
Janieforever · 02/08/2023 09:13

Going for a meal and a drink is not a date unless with someone romantically interested or involved with, I go for meals and drinks with my friends regularly. I , likely like your new partner have no desire to shag them or then me.

this issue is yours and I suspect sadly you’re about to set the red flags out with him, as it highlights jealousy and insecurity. Think hard, can you accept his friends, if female, and he will hang out with them, as most folks do with friends, one on one, if not, move on and find someone who will commit to no female friends they socialise alone with.

Original poster
Imagineit · 02/08/2023 09:18

Thanks for all of this. I came out of something really toxic and my guard is up. I recognise everything you are all saying and I can see how this could be an issue with me and not him.

OP posts:
Chickoletta · 02/08/2023 09:23

As others have said, I have male friends with whom I go out one on one and a male best friend who is one of the most important people on my life. He is single and has dated several women over the past few years. Some of them have made an effort to get to know me, others have seen me as a threat. There is nothing romantic about our friendship and I do agree with PPs who have said that a man who is capable of maintaining a close, caring platonic relationship with a woman is one worth getting to know.

IncognitoMam · 02/08/2023 09:25

I'd be more concerned if he had mentionitis. If he's always on about her. Otherwise will probably be ok? Maybe you can join them once you become more of an item?

LunaNorth · 02/08/2023 09:30

My line is this.

When he meets her for a meal and a drink, is it exactly the same arrangement as if he was meeting a male friend?

So, does he say ‘I’m taking Roger for dinner’? Does he pay for Roger?

If he is meeting a female friend and they each pay for their own food, fine. If he describes it as ‘taking’ her, and he pays, not fine. Because it’s not the same in his head, and that gap between ‘female friend’ and ‘Roger’ is where the trouble can sneak in.

IncognitoMam · 02/08/2023 09:34

LunaNorth · 02/08/2023 09:30

My line is this.

When he meets her for a meal and a drink, is it exactly the same arrangement as if he was meeting a male friend?

So, does he say ‘I’m taking Roger for dinner’? Does he pay for Roger?

If he is meeting a female friend and they each pay for their own food, fine. If he describes it as ‘taking’ her, and he pays, not fine. Because it’s not the same in his head, and that gap between ‘female friend’ and ‘Roger’ is where the trouble can sneak in.

That's a good point. Sounds like he said taking?

Original poster
Imagineit · 02/08/2023 09:36

I can't remember. I think I'm going to casually ask about his plans and listen carefully

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 02/08/2023 09:42

Just ask him why does he have to take her? Is she in some way disabled? Or under 16?

And who’s paying? If it’s him, why?

I’m afraid I can be a bit confrontational when it comes to blokes and boundaries.

PackettInn · 02/08/2023 09:42

Imagineit · 02/08/2023 08:04

It's never about not dating someone with female friends, it's that they are going 'for a meal and a drink' 1:1, that's a date in my mind?

No it's not...

I have a male friend. Been friends since childhood. We go for the odd drink and bite to eat.

Nothing about it screams date. Just enjoying each others company. Both of us are married with children.

You'd be better off dating someone without female friends then OP.

Especially if you're only seeing him and not in an exclusive relationship, you don't have the right to call the shots on weather he's going on a date or not.

Luucylu · 02/08/2023 09:43

Can I ask, if she wasn’t beautiful would you still feel this way and written this thread?

LizaTarbuckForQueen · 02/08/2023 09:44

I meet a married male friend for dinner and drinks a few times a year. We’ve known each other since we were 16 and never shagged. He sometimes pays, I sometimes pay but it’s never a date. We chat shit, eat great food, drink expensive wine and wobble our separate ways home.

Original poster
Imagineit · 02/08/2023 09:45

We are exclusive.

The question about whether I would feel that way if she is beautiful or not seems irrelevant.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 02/08/2023 09:47

Having opposite sex friends is completely normal.

I know that some people have a real problem with this in relationships. To me, that often shows that they are insecure / mistrustful / jealous / possessive or any combination of those unhealthy traits.

Alcemeg · 02/08/2023 09:47

Show an interest in meeting her? When you see them together, it might reassure you. (Or not!)

IncognitoMam · 02/08/2023 09:48

Alcemeg · 02/08/2023 09:47

Show an interest in meeting her? When you see them together, it might reassure you. (Or not!)

They've met.

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