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Original poster

Female friend

60 replies

Imagineit · 02/08/2023 04:06

Ok, I need perspective. I'm seeing someone, seems lovely, attentive, no red flags. BUT he has this female friend. They've been friends for years. I have met her once, she's really beautiful. Damn it.

He told me yesterday that they are going for a meal and a drink next week and I can't get my head around it. I don't have a close male friend. I did once but we ended up together after the relationship I was in broke down. Ex the same, he ended up getting it on with a mutual female friend very soon after we broke up.

I don't know what to do with this but it makes me want to run a mile. He described her like a sister, but my friend described my ex like a brother about a week later they were a 'thing'.

Honestly, I'm not sure I believe in men and women just being 'friends'. I know this is probably based on my own experience and because my the relationship I ended recently (abusive) was so bad, I'm hyper vigilant for any issues because I'd like to walk away before getting too involved in anything messy. Any advice?

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 02/08/2023 09:57

IncognitoMam · 02/08/2023 09:48

They've met.

Show quote history

But proper MET met? Like a night out together where you get drunk and talk shit and find out what makes each other tick?

LunaNorth · 02/08/2023 10:05

LizaTarbuckForQueen · 02/08/2023 09:44

I meet a married male friend for dinner and drinks a few times a year. We’ve known each other since we were 16 and never shagged. He sometimes pays, I sometimes pay but it’s never a date. We chat shit, eat great food, drink expensive wine and wobble our separate ways home.

He sometimes pays, you sometimes pay. That wouldn’t be a problem.

It’s when the bloke says ‘taking’ and always pays that gets my alarm bells ringing.

GoodNightsSleep · 02/08/2023 10:09

In my opinion it’s a positive thing for anyone to have friends of the opposite gender. You are likely to have discussions and be exposed to viewpoints that you might not get with same sex friends.

This person having such a close friend could be viewed as a positive as he may have a more balanced view of life. For some people though having a partner with very a close opposite gender friend can be a bit uncomfortable, especially if the friend is single.

Luucylu · 02/08/2023 10:23

Imagineit · 02/08/2023 09:45

We are exclusive.

The question about whether I would feel that way if she is beautiful or not seems irrelevant.

How is it irrelevant when you made a point of mentioning her looks in your original post?

BlueMasc · 02/08/2023 10:34

AmandaHoldensLips · 02/08/2023 09:47

Having opposite sex friends is completely normal.

I know that some people have a real problem with this in relationships. To me, that often shows that they are insecure / mistrustful / jealous / possessive or any combination of those unhealthy traits.

That's a very simplistic way of looking at things and shows a lack in insight and empathy.

A lot of people (women) start off having no issue with female friends. Until they find out boundaries are being crossed.

Their boyfriend or husband is constantly talking about their female friend(s), staying over and having a level of intimacy they're not comfortable with. Sometimes, the friends used to date and have sex.

I'm someone who has male friends. But I give my partner no reason to be mistrustful or concerned whatsoever.

BlueMasc · 02/08/2023 10:36

I don't think I'm this context, OP, there's anything to be concerned about. It's normal to feel a bit put out when you see that she's beautiful. You're human. You haven't been controlling or possessive.

You've been here before, so maybe you know when things are beyond friendship? It's a bit premature to give it headspace right now.

GigiAnnna · 02/08/2023 10:42

I'm not sure how I would feel about it. I think having friends of the opposite sex is OK but things usually get complicated, even more so if the woman is attractive. I don't think I've ever had a friendship with a guy that didn't have flirty undertones or that didn't try it on at some point. Maybe if they've known each other for years and it's completely platonic it would be ok. But I think for anyone married or in a commitment relationship, getting emotionally close to a friend of the opposite sex, where they go on dates together is inappropriate.

HundredMilesAnHour · 02/08/2023 10:52

But I think for anyone married or in a commitment relationship, getting emotionally close to a friend of the opposite sex, where they go on dates together is inappropriate.

They're not going on a date. They're going for a meal. Like friends do.

I have several close male friends. One of them is so close that he's actually in my will. He's married. I'm single. I was there when he met his now-wife for the first time actually. And he was the person I turned to when my mum died. We live in different countries now (and for a while, different continents). His wife seems to have no issues with our friendship and she was fine when he moved back to Europe ahead of her (she was following a week later as she had some work to finalise) and he invited me over to stay with him on his first weekend back while she was still elsewhere. I've known him for many years. If we were going to get together in a romantic sense, we would have done it a long time ago.

ImtheFlag · 02/08/2023 10:56

I often go out for meals and drinks 1:1 with friends of both genders and sexual orientations 🤷‍♂️

sunshinenshower · 02/08/2023 11:11

Nope. I wouldn't be comfortable with it unless I was being invited along (I wouldn't actually go but I think being invited but would put me at ease)

Not only that but if I was in her shoes I'd take a step back. I wouldn't want to continue with 1:1 meet ups while my male friend was in the early stages of a relationships. A quick coffee here and there is ok but not a whole evening out. I would want my friend to prioritise his/her new relationship and enjoy that exciting phase of getting to know each other, cosy dates etc. without having to arrange 'dates' with me too

I'm not defending him but sometimes guys just don't 'think' so I would give it a bit more time and try get to know her yourself if you can.

AmandaHoldensLips · 02/08/2023 11:13

@BlueMasc I get what you're saying, but I'm also coming from a place where there is total trust in my relationship. It's my opinion that there cannot be a healthy relationship without mutual trust. So yes, it's simplistic, but it's also the truth.

Globules · 02/08/2023 11:16

The man I'm currently seeing has 2 very close female friends. He's been friends with one over 20 years, the other over 10 years. He got to know them both at old workplaces that all of them have since moved on from.

He's going for lunch with one of them on Saturday and going for a walk with the other mid week.

Both are stunningly beautiful and really lovely people One has been married 5 years. The other was single for 8 years and is about 6 months into a new relationship.

I've no concerns about either. Tbh, the fact he has these female friends make me like him more, as it shows me he's got a record of being a person who can have decent friendships with lovely women. I am a lovely woman!

5128gap · 02/08/2023 11:23

The fact is OP, no one on here has the faintest clue whether he sees this woman as a sister, or whether he's accepted the role of friend but would jump at being more if she'd have him. You'll get people telling you about their own purely platonic friendships. You'll get people telling you about their experiences of pretend-ships that masked deep feelings.
No way of knowing which is true for your guy.
For what it's worth, I personally wouldn't get into a relationship with a man who had this sort of friendship. Simply because you can never tell, and why would I want to take the risk when the majority of men don't come with beautiful female best friends as part of the package? I feel strongly that when you start seeing someone you shouldn't try to interfere in their friendships but should respect and accept them. So if I had this sort of concern, I'd know the relationship wouldn't be right for me.

MidnightMeltdown · 02/08/2023 11:47

Imagineit · 02/08/2023 08:04

It's never about not dating someone with female friends, it's that they are going 'for a meal and a drink' 1:1, that's a date in my mind?

Don't you ever have a 1:1 meal and drinks with a same sex friend? I don't see why it has to be a 'date' just because they are opposite sex.

You're being ridiculous

SavBlancTonight · 02/08/2023 12:14

LunaNorth · 02/08/2023 10:05

He sometimes pays, you sometimes pay. That wouldn’t be a problem.

It’s when the bloke says ‘taking’ and always pays that gets my alarm bells ringing.

Show quote history

I do see where you're coming from with this statement except, overall, men tend to earn more money than women. When I was younger, it was actually quite common for male friends to insist on paying because most of my male friends in those days earned significantly more than I did, and that was true for many of the women I knew. [there's a WHOLE separate conversation to be had about this, and it's one that actually, me and those male friends HAVE had at various times over the years].

Today, it's less of a thing as we're all much older, more stable etc so we tend to split or take turns.

But if OP and her BF are in 20s or early 30s, I could see that as a thing.

BlingLoving · 02/08/2023 12:16

I have had a close male friend for 35 years. It's a standing joke that if I get arrested for anything, I will be calling HIM before anyone else to bail me out of jail because a) he's reliable b) he's got money c) he doesn't have kids so wouldn't be abandoning his family to rescue me! Grin

PackettInn · 02/08/2023 15:44

Imagineit · 02/08/2023 09:45

We are exclusive.

The question about whether I would feel that way if she is beautiful or not seems irrelevant.

It is relevant as you went out of your way to mention it in your OP and followed it up by 'Damn it' as if you her being beautiful is a negative thing.

So what if she's beautiful and she's friends with your fella.
If men cheat they're going to cheat.

Your boyfriend has a female friend. They've been friends for years. If you start probing now and being uncomfortable when he has shown no reason for you to not trust him or no mentionitis then he might favour his long term friendship over his new partner getting upset over a long term friend.

Yetisrus29 · 02/08/2023 20:33

I went out for lunch with a happily married male friend the other week. We do it regularly. We talk about all sorts of shit.

I regularly go out for drinks/food with my happily married male best friend. He is like a brother to me.

Neither have I slept with or kissed.

5128gap · 02/08/2023 20:49

PackettInn · 02/08/2023 15:44

It is relevant as you went out of your way to mention it in your OP and followed it up by 'Damn it' as if you her being beautiful is a negative thing.

So what if she's beautiful and she's friends with your fella.
If men cheat they're going to cheat.

Your boyfriend has a female friend. They've been friends for years. If you start probing now and being uncomfortable when he has shown no reason for you to not trust him or no mentionitis then he might favour his long term friendship over his new partner getting upset over a long term friend.

Show quote history

Its also relevant because men are more likely to be sexually attracted to beautiful women. If the woman was someone who's appearance made it highly unlikely he would find her physically attractive, I'm sure OP would be less concerned.

KPops22 · 02/08/2023 20:56

There are always going to be two camps of opinion on this and it is always the female friends who are the "yeah it's no big deal situation". Ultimately it works for some people but not for others. I personally would not be happy with my H having a female friend that he goes for dinner or walks with and I guess that is why I am with him ( among others things) as he would definitely feel the same as me. It's up to you @Imagineit whether you want to go into a situation like this.

JustaChristian · 02/08/2023 21:01

I would personally leave it. My marriage is with my best friend and lover. Another lady probably won't fit in the dynamics even as a friend

5128gap · 02/08/2023 21:11

KPops22 · 02/08/2023 20:56

There are always going to be two camps of opinion on this and it is always the female friends who are the "yeah it's no big deal situation". Ultimately it works for some people but not for others. I personally would not be happy with my H having a female friend that he goes for dinner or walks with and I guess that is why I am with him ( among others things) as he would definitely feel the same as me. It's up to you @Imagineit whether you want to go into a situation like this.

The female friends think it's no big deal because they are presumably fortunate enough to have male friends who are not attracted to them and faking friendship, either because its better than nothing or they hope one day to get lucky. They quite rightly would take a dim view of someone being suspicious of their genuinely platonic role.
However, there are many many women who have found, often to their shock, that their supportive, attentive best mate, who invests so much time in them had an ulterior motive all along.
There is no way of the OP knowing whether the first or the second applies here. And unfortunately no way of finding out. If she's the fall back girl for a guy who's in love with his beautiful best friend, he's hardly going to tell her.

MinnieTruck · 02/08/2023 21:12

Imagineit · 02/08/2023 08:04

It's never about not dating someone with female friends, it's that they are going 'for a meal and a drink' 1:1, that's a date in my mind?

So you can’t go out to have a meal 1:1 with the opposite sex without it being a date? That’s crazy

MinnieTruck · 02/08/2023 21:17

LunaNorth · 02/08/2023 09:30

My line is this.

When he meets her for a meal and a drink, is it exactly the same arrangement as if he was meeting a male friend?

So, does he say ‘I’m taking Roger for dinner’? Does he pay for Roger?

If he is meeting a female friend and they each pay for their own food, fine. If he describes it as ‘taking’ her, and he pays, not fine. Because it’s not the same in his head, and that gap between ‘female friend’ and ‘Roger’ is where the trouble can sneak in.

Why does it matter if he’s paying? Maybe he pays on one occasion and she pays on another? Maybe she’s broke right now and will transfer her share on payday?

This is often the situation with myself and a few of my good meal friends. They’re all like brother’s and there’s no romantic interest on either side. I don’t think a man saying he’s paying for a meal means much tbh

Glockamorra · 02/08/2023 21:30

Imagineit · 02/08/2023 08:04

It's never about not dating someone with female friends, it's that they are going 'for a meal and a drink' 1:1, that's a date in my mind?

Well, if so, I’ve been ‘dating’ several male friends for well over two decades, while all of us remain happily married and have succeeded in not ripping one another’s clothes off.

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