Female friend

[Imagineit]

Ok, I need perspective. I'm seeing someone, seems lovely, attentive, no red flags. BUT he has this female friend. They've been friends for years. I have met her once, she's really beautiful. Damn it.

He told me yesterday that they are going for a meal and a drink next week and I can't get my head around it. I don't have a close male friend. I did once but we ended up together after the relationship I was in broke down. Ex the same, he ended up getting it on with a mutual female friend very soon after we broke up.

I don't know what to do with this but it makes me want to run a mile. He described her like a sister, but my friend described my ex like a brother about a week later they were a 'thing'.

Honestly, I'm not sure I believe in men and women just being 'friends'. I know this is probably based on my own experience and because my the relationship I ended recently (abusive) was so bad, I'm hyper vigilant for any issues because I'd like to walk away before getting too involved in anything messy. Any advice?

Paying for a female friend's meal is definitely weird and that could actually be crossing a boundary into more date-like territory.

Paying for a coffee and cake, fine. A whole meal? I think that's a bit unusual.

If you've recently started dating a new woman, wouldn't you be excited to take her out instead- and expect your friend to pay for herself?

Seems trivial to some, people who view themselves as the female friend in this scenario usually.

Both of your examples would be fine with me. They’re both different ways of sharing the bill.

It’s when the bloke displays his largesse (fnaar) by ‘taking’ a woman out to dinner/lunch and always footing the bill. That’s when it stops being ‘just like being out with the guys.’

These threads always baffle me.

I have loads of male friends. We go out for dinner, drinks, cinema trips, gigs, camping trips etc. It's not a date or anything like a date!

I find it pretty shocking that people wouldn't believe that we're friends. I've known some of them for 25 years!

Also, I'm bisexual so by this logic I can't possibly have any friends at all.

People always bring up bisexuality but at the end of the day, that's your life, your relationship and your choice.

Some people don't believe in monogamy. Doesn't mean my life is oppressive because I'm happy with one partner. Same way some people are happy having opposite sex friends with a bit more distance (maybe no lone cinema trips) and don't feel like they're missing out.

"It's never about not dating someone with female friends, it's that they are going 'for a meal and a drink' 1:1, that's a date in my mind?"

It's really okay. I've literally been out this evening for a meal and a drink with a good male friend of mine. There's nothing even remotely sexual in it. I'm 15 years older than him, and he's gay. We even went away on a work type trip and shared a room for a week, and again we had a good laugh but nothing even remotely sexual or date like.

My husband has lots of female friends that he also goes out with for meals and drinks. One woman in particular he is close to, but again purely platonic (she's a lesbian).

Males and females can genuinely just be friends. I think some men just prefer female company (I'd put my mate and my hubby in that category).

I understand why you feel worried as I am in a relationship for along time and never had a problem with my oh doing activities with others but a few yrs ago they went out for a meal with someone else in a nice restaurant but didn't tell me that's what they were doing. They changed things in our joint calendar so it looked like they were working and added meetings in later on that day. They were in fact in a restaurant with this other person.
When I enquired about why say you at work when elsewhere I was dumped brutally and some not very nice things said. I was gobsmacked as we had a really close relationship and happy.
I did contact the other person to ask them what was happening as my partner didn't want to be with me after that meal so I was pretty shocked/ptsd even now when I think back. The other person said they were just friends and there must be something wrong with my relationship.
The sad thing is I wish I had never phoned that person but just wanted to clarify what situation was but me and oh were happy and people would say I must be jealous or possessive and such forth. This isn't correct as I have never had issue with oh having their own mates/hobbies rightly so just issue with lies being told about where someone is. This is where some people have issues with these types of friendships.
Have your friends just be honest about where you are then your partner can accept that's the situation or get out if they not comfortable. Lying just causes distrust and is disrespectful.
Me and my partner stayed together btw but it was a very dark period in my life.

Also at least your partner has told you but ultimately it's up to you whether you can manage this type of situation.
As other people said lots of people have other friends that they go out with but it's all about being transparent.

No it’s not, men and women can be friends. But in your head they cannot. Which means you aren’t compatible.

It's certainly okay for males to have female friends and vice versa.
It's actually healthy however I do want to be clear on something.

The moment you start noticing weired behaviors amongst the pair I.e your person and his female friend or messages or body language, that's when you should be worried.

I have been in a similar situation.
My now DH has a female friend who he met through his childhood guy friend.
Interestingly, he became so close to this lady that I noticed their behaviour of being overtly touchy since I met her.

Since I was new to the relationship and wanted us to grow because I liked my now DH, I didn't think much of it until we got married.
Somehow I managed to forget her until one time when we were visiting them and I saw my DH's hands stroking her hair not once but twice.
This threw me off so hard, I confronted my DH and there & then drew a boundary that if he carried on touching her I would leave him, because I didn't marry him to keep an eye on him.

Anyway OP, be weary and draw boundaries soon.

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