I have just been dumped in my situationship?!

[queenofcushions]

Hoping for a bit of a reality check here...

Long story short I've known a guy for years, not known well but have known him. My marriage ended 18 months ago and he is divorced. We have similar situations, both have DCs although his child sharing situation is a little more clear cut and straight forward than mine (relevant)

From the start we both said we were looking for something fun. This all started 3 months ago. I generally never messaged him first and any plans to meet etc were always instigated by him. We have slept together, the sex was good although he did sometimes suffer from performance anxiety (his words not mine)

This is my first relationship of any sort post marriage so I'm finding my feet with all this but knew I had to keep a little guarded until I knew where things were headed. However he would often share very deep and intimate thoughts/secrets about himself.

We spent the night together last week and he was playing me songs that meant a lot to him, talking about deep feelings (made a joke that I might break his heart) and I am certain when we were having sex he whispered "i love you" twice, but I didn't want to make a thing of it in case he said it in the moment...

Communications in the days that followed were a little up and down, either lots of messages or quiet for hours. We each had our children so it was to be expected but I did feel he was acting a little strange, so I matched his energy and didn't message back right away when he did and kept a bit of distance.

This evening he calls me and asks if we are still meeting at the weekend to go out as planned. I said yes so long as he wanted to... he then starts asking where I see everything going between us.

I'm still in a bit of a muddle as it came out of the blue but he started saying things like, he didn't want to hurt me and didn't want to get hurt, that he had kept me at arms length, that my situation with DCs made it difficult to make plans, that he doesn't know what he wants, that he thinks that maybe he's waiting for someone incredible to sweep him off his feet, he then started saying how amazing/beautiful etc I was...

I think he was surprised by my reaction because I was very calm and agreed that if it wasn't what he wanted then it was fine. I explained my situation with my DCs couldn't change and that they will always be my priority.

He then went on to say he wants to hear about how my plans during the week go (I have a big week at work) and that he has a gift for me he wants to leave on my doorstep.

He made a point a couple of times of saying "its great to be able to talk to you like this, my ex would have lost it with me"... He often talks about how his ex was very controlling and also has a strange backstory with his Mum so I think feeds into a lot of this.

(Because this isn't a full on relationship and I'm not in love!!! I'm not sure if he was expecting me to burst into tears)

I have gotten the sense he's emotionally unavailable and has a bit of Peter Pan complex.
I'm a bit baffled really. Is he scared? I've often thought people don't really get scared of their feelings and use it as a cop out to end things when they don't like someone, but does this happen?

Will he come crawling back? I don't know that I'd want to be further involved with him anyway, but my pride has taken a bit of knock as this is my first encounter with another man besides ex-DH in 15 years!

Sorry for the long post, would love to hear some shared experiences and insight into this. It's enough to have me rendered single and celibate for the next 50 years if this is what the dating scene is like!

Well done. You’ve handled this with a lot of dignity. Let him crack on. I imagine he will come crawling back and that his Peter Pan bullshit won’t change.

Whispering I love yous and getting all dreamy with you because it felt nice in the moment - without regard to reality or your feelings - suggest he’s an immature twat.

He’s just one man. Don’t discount dating entirely just because of him!

Unfortunately you will find men that love bomb you one minute then ignore you the next. I suggest only dating men you meet via an app or just randomly not anyone connected. Anyone being too full on right at the start you need to mentally take a step back as they often disappear

Ha, you're absolutely right. He was playing a game with you and you didn't play your part as he expected you too. He doesn't know his next move now because you didn't follow the script in his head.

Well done. Now forget about him. He's not worth your time or headspace.

I was on a similar situation but for 18 months so completely understand and sympathise. I handled it like you and he was bewildered by my calmness (I wasn’t really calm inside and vented to close friends and on here). He has made overtures again after 3 months of non communication (we have lots of friends and interests in common and live close) and I am friendly and pleasant when I see him but not letting it go any further.

(I mean when we meet in the street etc - or he approaches me at hobby events - do not meet up with him for any other reason).

I guess it started off as agreed business, but then chemistry of emotions started to mix, and now it's starting to become more complex from his side of things.

Standard.

This is why I avoid 'just for fun' as regularly, the men who are seeking it are not looking for that - they want you to fall in love with them. So they act like they are falling for you. To get to consider something more. And then the second you do WHAM they reverse uno on you and make out that you are the one breaking the rules of the fwb situation.

Its absolutely textbook.

Here's the thing op, you both agreed it was just fun - and then he started pushing the boundaries. And you didn't walk away. He didn't respect the agreement. And no, he didn't catch feelings either. Because if he did, he wouldn't now be making out you are the one who has and ghosting you.

Fwb situations need clear rules. Boundaries that you set for YOU and the treatment you accept.

Unfortunately a lot of men want the sex but don't see you as their equal. They see you as someone to win against. They need you to fall for them because if you don't , their ego can't handle it.

He's not 'scared of his feelings'. He doesn't have any for you. Sorry. He's playing you.

Block him and keep him blocked.

It shouldn't put you off dating. There are decent men out there.

But either pick them for just fun or for full relationship. Don't do inneyweens. They are messy.

Qnd if some dixknstqrts playing you love songs ect in future when he's just supposed to be a bit of fun and that's what you both agreed on - fucking run!

Seriously he sounds nuts.

Tell him that you are waiting for somebody incredible too and while you were waiting it was fun with him but now he has blurred the boundaries. What a shame. See ya!

Don't think your pride should be hurt, you have handled things very well. It was supposed to be fun and he has just added drama. The intimate oversharing and fake insecurity hoping to draw you in. You have been calm and honest, just remain so when he reappears in a few months, claiming you 'broke his heart' or he 'never really got over you'

God he's hard work for a bit of fun! I'd chalk this one and move on. Him comparing you to his ex is so deeply unattractive.

The creepy I love yous in the bedroom when it’s that early on would have had me running so fast. You’re lucky you don’t have to deal with that anymore, it feels like he doesn’t know what he wants. Also, he shared very early on with you about his ex, something else I wouldn’t really be too happy about. If the relationship was meant to be fun, why go off mentioning an ex. That’s never gonna be a barrel of laughs. Maybe he wasn’t ready to date, but I wouldn’t be letting that type of man get to me. Lucky you that you’re done with him!

Thankyou all, it's both reassuring and helpful to know that his behaviour isn't unique to him or personal to me, necessarily.

He certainly lacks some emotional maturity, and I noticed very early on he was very quick to share his inner most feelings despite not quite knowing how to deal with anyone else's (suited me because I was looking for a FWB, not a therapist!)

He's only had one long term relationship (his marriage) and the others have been short tern/casual encounters and when he would talk about them they all seemed to end with them falling madly in love with him and him not feeling the same but them agreeing to end it as friends... he seems very keen to have nobody think badly of him and always want to have a bit of a knowledge of what his former flames are upto after things have finished. All very odd behaviour and I should have listened to my gut on this sooner!

We actually work together (yes I know, unwise from my point of view) but it's a large national company and our paths do not cross all that often as we are in different offices, but we will certainly see each other at some point. I'll just hold my head up high I guess...

Also, I meant to mention, when we last saw each other he was saying he was feeling a little lost and lacking "purpose". I tried to encourage him to think positively and focus on his achievements... After we spoke he went home and the next day sent me a load of photos of things he had brought and done around his apartment to make it feel more homely after stating that my home always felt like an inviting and enjoyable space to be in...

I think he's a lost little boy. And I have had a lucky escape.

My theory is that man (a) can’t handle divorce as well as women do and (b) won’t do as much for their mental health as we do

so this is you in the crossfire

I’ve no doubt he likes you but he’s totally emotionally unavailable

he will crawl back
and this will happen again and again and again

VanillaSox

you and me both baby !!
(except I keep going back for hook up and regretting it 🙈)

@Thisisworsethananticpated this is certainly true and I can see this with my own ex-DH who initially loved the "single" life and no ties but is now remorseful and wants his old life back. Whilst I focused on sorting out my head, having therapy etc after we split, he focused on filling the void with other women and is now stuck.

I really don't want to go back to this one, not least because I know that it will be damaging for me and my MH. As much as physically I enjoyed my time with him.

I know that's easier said than done and hope your situation improves for you xx

queenofcushions

exactly

im fine and I know what he’s like now and lost little boy sums it up

pros
attention , sex and affection

cons
a fuck ton of anxiety and confusion

my problem is I don’t want anything serious either
but I’m thinking maybe the single bench is easier !!!

OMG if it weren't for a couple of fringe details, I swear you could have been dating my ex!

Allow to translate:

"I'm a passive-aggressive emotionally immature lost soul who likes kind, confident and not-completely-available women who know what they're doing with their lives because I lack those qualities myself and hope to 'possess them' through a relationship.

I say I'm looking for something casual because I'm terrified of both a) commitment and b) abandonment and I don't want to admit what I really want is a free therapist/mother figure who I can also fuck because I have some serious unresolved Oedipal issues.

I'm fundamentally passive and dream of being engulfed by the love of a partner, which will release me from the responsibility of actually doing anything. I'm only really motivated into action by copying others or as a kind of revenge ("I'll show them!") so eventually I will come to resent my 'partner's sense of self-confidence, purpose and unwillingness to 'mother' me. I will tell myself she is actually controlling and critical and unworthy of me, in order to paint myself as a victim to the next kind, confident, not-completely-available woman who comes along."

Sounds like he likes you but is insecure and needs some kind of validation from you. To your point about feelings; I think some people do find it overwhelming when feelings creep in - especially in the murky world of situationships.

Something that should be breezy and fun becomes complicated - you're neither in a relationship nor single, so there's no security, It can make you think about all the great people you could be with but that the situationship prevents. He's showing you that he cares in a few ways but doesn't seem cut out for it.

Do you like him? Do you want to continue as it is? Would you want anything more serious with him?

Does he know the answer to those questions?

@Pinkbonbon - a great post!
It's all about their ego.

@CheekyHobson wow.... this is true on SO many levels! This really is!!!!!!

@livethislifetoday I do like him as a person, and enjoyed the affection and attention. But I couldn't ever picture a long term relationship with him because he seemed emotionally immature and seems to struggle to live in the present, usually idealising the past.

Honestly, I think he wasn't sure how I felt 100%. I am a naturally warm, kind and affectionate person but I did hold back a little because of my past but also because the situation didn't warrant me laying all of my feelings on the line.

I didn't want it to continue as it was, his inconsistencies and general hot and cold behaviour were starting to get into my head and cost me energy. Though I wasn't expecting it would be him to call time on it...

He messaged late last night (ive just seen it!) to say he's going to leave my "gift" in my locker at work... strange. Might forget to collect it when I'm next there

Once you learn to see it, these guys are horrifyingly predictable.

You’ll clock the next one!