I have just been dumped in my situationship?!

[queenofcushions]

Hoping for a bit of a reality check here...

Long story short I've known a guy for years, not known well but have known him. My marriage ended 18 months ago and he is divorced. We have similar situations, both have DCs although his child sharing situation is a little more clear cut and straight forward than mine (relevant)

From the start we both said we were looking for something fun. This all started 3 months ago. I generally never messaged him first and any plans to meet etc were always instigated by him. We have slept together, the sex was good although he did sometimes suffer from performance anxiety (his words not mine)

This is my first relationship of any sort post marriage so I'm finding my feet with all this but knew I had to keep a little guarded until I knew where things were headed. However he would often share very deep and intimate thoughts/secrets about himself.

We spent the night together last week and he was playing me songs that meant a lot to him, talking about deep feelings (made a joke that I might break his heart) and I am certain when we were having sex he whispered "i love you" twice, but I didn't want to make a thing of it in case he said it in the moment...

Communications in the days that followed were a little up and down, either lots of messages or quiet for hours. We each had our children so it was to be expected but I did feel he was acting a little strange, so I matched his energy and didn't message back right away when he did and kept a bit of distance.

This evening he calls me and asks if we are still meeting at the weekend to go out as planned. I said yes so long as he wanted to... he then starts asking where I see everything going between us.

I'm still in a bit of a muddle as it came out of the blue but he started saying things like, he didn't want to hurt me and didn't want to get hurt, that he had kept me at arms length, that my situation with DCs made it difficult to make plans, that he doesn't know what he wants, that he thinks that maybe he's waiting for someone incredible to sweep him off his feet, he then started saying how amazing/beautiful etc I was...

I think he was surprised by my reaction because I was very calm and agreed that if it wasn't what he wanted then it was fine. I explained my situation with my DCs couldn't change and that they will always be my priority.

He then went on to say he wants to hear about how my plans during the week go (I have a big week at work) and that he has a gift for me he wants to leave on my doorstep.

He made a point a couple of times of saying "its great to be able to talk to you like this, my ex would have lost it with me"... He often talks about how his ex was very controlling and also has a strange backstory with his Mum so I think feeds into a lot of this.

(Because this isn't a full on relationship and I'm not in love!!! I'm not sure if he was expecting me to burst into tears)

I have gotten the sense he's emotionally unavailable and has a bit of Peter Pan complex.
I'm a bit baffled really. Is he scared? I've often thought people don't really get scared of their feelings and use it as a cop out to end things when they don't like someone, but does this happen?

Will he come crawling back? I don't know that I'd want to be further involved with him anyway, but my pride has taken a bit of knock as this is my first encounter with another man besides ex-DH in 15 years!

Sorry for the long post, would love to hear some shared experiences and insight into this. It's enough to have me rendered single and celibate for the next 50 years if this is what the dating scene is like!

Interesting that so many of us have this experience -I thought he was a really unusual person but there seem to be many of these lost little boys around who crave affection but are scared of it.

@CheekyHobson Thankyou for sharing!
Funnily enough last time I saw him (after the sex and the I love you whispers!) he said to me "what I like about you is you're strong, have your own life, and you know your mind, I know you'd tell me to f*ck off if I stepped out of line and that's what I want, not a woman who is meek and doesn't know what she wants and lets me walk all over her"

But actually, that's probably the only type of woman who would put up with his nonsense so maybe he's better off looking for that.

CheekyHobson

nailed it 🤣🤣🤣

what I really want is a free therapist/mother figure who I can also fuck because I have some serious unresolved Oedipal issues

🙈

”I know you'd tell me to fck off if I stepped out of line and that's what I want, not a woman who is meek and doesn't know what she wants and lets me walk all over her"*

Yeah, these guys are messed up.

They secretly do like being told to fuck off as in their mind that means they’re showing strength and it allows them to feel angry and victimized.

They will actually be unhappy if you don’t tell them to fuck off but politely hold a boundary instead. This puts the onus on them and they can’t feel like a victim. This is usually the point at which they start calling you controlling but not being able to explain how you are controlling them.

The submissive woman is partially what they do want (because they want to be adored and catered to like a toddler) but they also don’t want to be responsible for themselves so they want a strong woman to provide that. This sets them up to never be able to find the right woman because she’s a contradiction in terms.

As some of you might have predicted, he's been in touch twice today. Both for pointless reasons. One to ask me a work related question on Skype at work that he didn't need to know the answer to really, and a second over WhatsApp of a photo of his lunch...

I hope you've all had nice weekends.

Posting here for a bit of a shake on the shoulders for myself.

To update from where we once were. I saw him in the office Friday, very briefly. Smiled brightly and said hello and kept walking. He then messaged me to say he had got my "gift" with him. It was a biscuit from a coffee shop near where he lives which I love... I replied to him to say he could keep it as I needed to watch my sugar intake. Signed off with a smiley as didn't want to seem cruel, but equally didn't understand why he was blurring lines after effectively dumping me!!

Since then, nothing. I know I should be relieved because him getting in touch would be a massive headf*ck right now... but I guess there was a tiny part of me wanting him to get in contact to say what a mistake he'd made bla bla bla.

Not helped that I went out with my girlfriends at the weekend and half were going home to their partners and the others were in similar "on off" situations, which I don't envy but I couldn't help but feel lost and lonely this weekend.

It's not until now that I've realised how much time we had spent chatting over the last few months, constant messaging (usually silly stuff but throughout the days) and long phone calls...

I've deleted his number so I stop checking when he's online and I've deleted our conversations as I found myself going back and reading old messages trying to dissect what on earth happened... literally only a week ago he was talking about planning a day/night away and going for dinner.

It feels insane but my brain feels as preoccupied as it did when my long marriage broke down?! What on earth? When will this get easier? My strong resolve feels much less than it did a few days ago....

It’s attachment stuff making you feel feelings even though you know he’s a bit inadequate and not for you, and it would be demeaning to chase him now.

If you reengaged now it would be so much worse OP. Stay firm! 💪🏼

@AtrociousCircumstance Thankyou, I know deep down you are right. X

In a few weeks you will roll your eyes that you ever let him disturb your peace at all - focus on the increasing clarity as the days pass.

This is very true. Every casual relationship I have has involved lots of ‘I think you are falling for me’ from them.

I absolutely wasn’t and that, for me, is a signal to end it. So many men looking for ‘casual/laid back/fun’ seem to get really frustrated if the women doesn’t fall for them. And if she did, they would then reject her anyway. They like playing games. And they don’t like not having complete control.

Quite frankly I find the whole ‘I want you but keep you at arms lengths’ then trying to romance you really off putting. I would have called it off when he wanted to play music that meant something to him. What do you do? Just sit there and listen and agree about how the lyrics speak to him?

If I were you I would just move on. He has no intention of actually not sleeping with you again. Tell him no to the gift and no to the update of your week. Just move on.

Agree with @Pinkbonbon

I've tried "casual" formats just due to life stuff, and this situation often occurs. I'm genuinely OK with things being fairly low key (not that gushy with communication) but then "the power games start".

Deep down I think there are still a lot of sexist/power play games, and a lot of men get offended if you fundamentally see yourself as an equal rational human being, and are NOT being hysterical/needy/begging to spend time with them.

Amplified if you (say) have your own thing, as in good job or career prospects or social status equivalent to theirs. They'll play little games to manipulate you and paint you as some Bridget Jones character begging for a chance.

The fact that YOU'VE sized him up and thought "not a realistic prospect EVER" isn't something he's happy with. Hence the games to make you dependent on him.

If you message him any more, you'll find yourself painted as someone desperate and controlling.

Thank you @Caprisunny @SameOldTed , I appreciate your input and it's helped me this evening

It's funny what you say @SameOldTed as the last time we saw each other he confessed (off his own back, I didn't try and get into a deep convo!) that he felt his life was lacking purpose... and he compared his life to mine in that I'm very career driven and have lots to focus on.

Tbh it surprised me because when we first started talking he seemed to have lots of stuff "all figured out" but I think it was a bit of a facade and really he feels a bit lost a lot of time time... which isn't a bad thing, we all do from time to time, but he seems to struggle with accepting that.

I certainly won't be messaging him, I haven't messaged him since responding last week about his "gift" and I have deleted all trace of his number and messages to remove any temptation.

Thanks ladies

Stay strong @queenofcushions

You have your maturity and boundaries and emotional independence and peaceful life plans - he's not happy and doesn't want you to be.

Like pps said the attachment/sex hormones/human desire to connect will still be there.

Its also probably that you have an "idea" of who you thought he was and where you stood (easy to do when you dont know someone that well, and messaging is cheap contact) and now he's done the "abrupt withdrawal".

You not "begging him for your £3 biscuit" or spending the rest of the day writing him love poems, as you were so grateful, ruined The Plan.

He's been doing classic "hoovering/breadcrumbing" - offering you teeny little social scraps and promises to fuck with your head so he can drag you into his chaos and make out YOU'RE chasing after him.

I'd actually block him if I were you, and grey rock/be REALLY boring if he brings it up (phone issues or something, blame Elon Musk). As I can't imagine anything good can be gained by more contact. This "type" tends to reappear at Xmas. Their ego wants the attention.

Give yourself time and space and NC and things will look very different in a few months.

So he played music at you like Ken in the Barbie film 😅

Stay strong. I love how you have handled it, even down to declining the biscuit. Well done for deleting. His loss!

This

As many of you predicted. I heard from him. In fact today I woke up with a much clearer, positive mind and barely thought of him as I was so busy.

Baffled that he would call what was a basically a fling over a couple of months a "relationship" and also, it was never built on friendship. Lots of chat yes, but also a consistent flirty/sexual undertone from early on.

The message I received was as follows:

Hey Cushions, just wanted to reach out and say sorry about how I ended our relationship last week, you have been playing in my mind a lot since then. I truly enjoyed getting to know you and the time we spent together. Honestly, I miss our chats and all the fun we used to have. Still working out why i feel the way I do and the things i said.
I hope we can still maintain a friendship, I don't want it to be awkward or distant, I genuinely want us to continue chatting and being there for each other as friends. You were someone who brought joy and laughter into my life, and it would mean a lot to me if we could still share that, even if in a different dynamic now. X

‘Hey Immature Dude, thanks for your message. It’s all good! Thanks so much for your thoughts but I’m not really in the market for a friendship with someone I used to sort-of date at the moment, sweet as you are - I want to focus my energy and interests elsewhere :-) But I truly wish you well and will always be civil and friendly when we bump into each other. So no need for awkwardness on either side! Best wishes, Cushions’.

In other words - no, you can’t use me for emotional work or fuck with my head. Byeeee! 😁

No way. He made his choice, as a result you are not part of his life anymore.

@AtrociousCircumstance ahhhh I wish I'd have posted here before replying although my response wasn't far off!

I just said that there was no need to apologise, and that the situation (not relationship) was going to conclude at some point anyway... I said I hoped he found his happiness that he deserved, and I was sure I would too.

Then stated that there's no reason for any awkwardness when we cross paths at work. Did not respond to any of the friendship chat because it's not something I'm interested in...

He then replied with an update of how his day has been and I didn't reply... strange!

Pretty much the same message @queenofcushions 😊 Nice one! Ignore ignore ignore, and when the inevitable ‘I had hoped we could be friends’ beseeching text arrives you can bolster up the boundaries again then. Awesome work!

@queenofcushions well done ! He sounds an absolute mess, bullet dodged.

the ‘so sorry I dumped you’ faux text is enraging- what a messed up loser !

ignore ignore ignore.

@AtrociousCircumstance Thankyou  and thanks for your support!

@mainbrochus I know right?! The audacity!! I don't know if he expected me to respond to say I'd been sitting weeping all weekend... even though it had been playing on my mind there's absolutely no way I'd be telling him that!