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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Turning 39 in a few months. Is it too late for me?

62 replies

Lampshadegreen · 31/07/2023 20:04

Relationship down the pan. I want a husband and a baby. Is it too late?

(please don’t say go it alone - I can’t).

OP posts:
Sealover123 · 31/07/2023 20:07

No it's not. I know people who met their spouses in their late 30s and 40s. Don't rush into something just for a baby though. I hope you meet someone lovely and there's always other options like adoption and IVF. But don't rush settling down to beat the clock, you want a solid life partner.

Menopants · 31/07/2023 20:07

It’s increasingly unlikely you will have kids. You will get lots of posters coming on and tellin you they had triplets aged 52 etc but the reality is is might not happen. It’s not the end of the world, you might meet a wonderful man or you might build a fabulous single life for yourself. Take some time out to grieve you relationship and move on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/07/2023 20:10

If you don’t want a baby on your own then tbh time for that is running short. You need time to heal from a serious break up/divorce, then to find someone and get to know him well enough to want to marry him and to suss out if he’d be a decent father.

Sorry you’re here, hope you’re okay 💐

Original poster
Lampshadegreen · 31/07/2023 20:11

Sealover123 thanks for posting. good advice. Don’t worry I won’t settle for the wrong man. I could have done that years ago.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 31/07/2023 20:13

Honestly? No one can answer that. But you know that.

My grandma was 44 when my dad was born in 1951! I know several women who've met someone, settled down and had a baby in their 40s. My brother and sil have one child because they had their first at 36 and experienced secondary infertility.

What I would say is that people tend not to wait around as long when they get to their late 30s. You're such more experienced in life and relationships and know yourself better so people are often quicker to settle down.

If you want to meet someone, I wouldn't rely on online dating. Do it if you want but get out and meet people in the real world too.

Turtlegurl888 · 31/07/2023 20:14

I wouldn't say it's too late but if I were in your situation I'd be looking into the more wholesome dating websites/apps whatever there is about these days and make your intention about wanting a family soon clear. I'm sure there are men who want the same.

There are other options of course but realistically your timeline is to meet someone in the next year or two if you want to have children naturally. I'm assuming you want to know them pretty inside out before you have babies with them! If kids are really important to you, weddings can wait, biological clocks can't, but people will probably disagree and say you should get married before having children for your own financial security.

Sympathy that your relationship has ended and wishing you luck x

aboutbloodytime123 · 31/07/2023 20:17

I met DP at 40 and had an unplanned DC 44 - I'm still very surprised by it. I have older DC, and was told I was v unlikely to be able to have any more. One of my health visitors was 54 and had a 6 year old! I don't think you should pin your hopes on it - I also think as you get older that urge to have DC subsides - but it's not impossible

Therandomtrekker · 31/07/2023 20:17

I met mine at 38, seven years on now have a 4 and a nearly 2 year old and got married last week!
I did online dating but you have to almost treat it like a job and put some time and effort in as there are lots of people there just to waste your time, some fun was had along the way!☺️

Gettingbysomehow · 31/07/2023 20:20

I met my 2nd husband when I was in my 40s. We thought about having a baby but he was infertile but I wasn't really bothered. It's never too late but you need to put yourself out there. I met mine at a friend's barbecue. I really didn't want to go out that day but I made myself and bingo!

Eudaimonia5 · 31/07/2023 20:31

I think like a pp said, you need to be realistic, unfortunately it's very unlikely that you'll meet someone in time to have a baby naturally. If you're 39 now, even if you meet Mr Right tomorrow, it's cutting it fine as by the time you get to know him, you'll be over 40. A lot of men who definitely want children will be actively seeking someone in their early to mid 30s because it's harder to conceive in your 40s.

Yes, there are always mumsnetters who pop up to say they were single at 41 and married to their dream man with 3 kids by 43 and that would be wonderful if it happened for you but don't get your hopes up that it will.

Sometimes it's better to be kind to yourself and work on coming to an acceptance that life is different for you.

You could meet an amazing man who already has children or you may meet someone who is happy to look at adoption.

Byronshelley · 31/07/2023 20:32

To meet someone - no, definitely not too late. To have a baby? No way of knowing. Some people do get lucky in their forties and have easy, natural pregnancies but very many don't. If you're adamant you can't do it alone, then you're taking more of a risk of it not happening.

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 31/07/2023 20:33

Met at 38, married at 39, honeymoon first baby, second just before 42.

SirVixofVixHall · 31/07/2023 20:34

No it isn’t too late. I married at almost 40 and had my first dc a year later.
My friend met her DH at 42 and had her baby very quickly.
Of course you might not meet anyone you want to stay with OP, but it really isn’t “that ship has sailed” time yet.

Whataretheodds · 31/07/2023 20:35

Not too late but there's a lot of luck and chance that would mean you found the guy first, married him then had his baby.

What about a guy who already has kids?

What about having a baby on your own and then dating later?

I was single at 39 and and am now pregnant with my partner's baby at 42. It's not been an easy ride fertility-wise.

You'll need to really examine what you're looking for in a relationship and a partner. Friends in your situation have thrown money at the 'problem' (paid sites, dating coach) but importantly have continued pursuing their active social lives, careers and hobbies.

Original poster
Lampshadegreen · 31/07/2023 21:05

Thank you for all your comments. It gives me some hope. I am feeling pretty distraught.

For those of who you met your partners and conceived within 1-2 years - your partner didn’t mind moving that quickly? How old are your DPs? I find men generally quite slow to move.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 31/07/2023 21:09

Lampshadegreen · 31/07/2023 21:05

Thank you for all your comments. It gives me some hope. I am feeling pretty distraught.

For those of who you met your partners and conceived within 1-2 years - your partner didn’t mind moving that quickly? How old are your DPs? I find men generally quite slow to move.

Mine is a year older than me. He had never lived with a partner before but when we got together i was quite open about the fact that my plan for that year (2020) included freezing eggs/embryos with a view to the option of having a baby solo. Maybe after a stint of last-gasp travelling. In fairness he was also pretty smitten with me. But he also won't be rushed - we kept talking about it, I was definitely driving the pace. That wouldn't have worked for everyone.

Original poster
Lampshadegreen · 31/07/2023 21:12

Whataretheodds so happy it worked for you. How did you meet your partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lampshadegreen · 31/07/2023 21:35

Joined bumble. Have over 50 men who have liked me. I’ve matched with 5. That’s in 20 minutes. Maybe I need to go on multiple dates while planning to go it alone.

OP posts:
aboutbloodytime123 · 31/07/2023 21:45

Mine was 42 when we met (tinder!) Our DC is his only child. But I came off the pill about 3 years before I got pregnant. It was affecting me badly, I was told I was probably infertile, we didn't live together and we both travel for work so it didn't even occur to either of us to TTC.

mondaytosunday · 31/07/2023 21:59

I met my husband at 39, got married at 40, first baby at 41, second at 43.
But I didn't meet him by chance - I joined a relatively expensive introduction agency (online was in its infancy - I didn't even own a mobile phone at the time), had an interesting year meeting men and my husband was lucky number 13.

YellowTomatoes · 31/07/2023 22:09

Hi OP, I met my OH.

Moved in at about 3 months, engaged about 6 months, married at 12 months, with DC1 on the way.

It wasn't easy getting to know each other with a baby. But we are still together, quite a few years later! ❣️

Olika · 31/07/2023 22:09

I met my now husband when I was 37, knew 6 months later I wanted us to start trying for a baby, got pregnant in next cycle but miscarried, we kept trying and 2.5y later we got pregnant again. Gave birth at 41. It's possible but you don't have time to waste on wrong men. You need to know yourself and what kind of man you need/want. Then not stop until you meet that person. Smile

YellowTomatoes · 31/07/2023 22:11

He was 40 and keen for kids like me, massive leap of faith, but we did it.

Kisskiss · 31/07/2023 22:19

Would you consider/can you afford freezing your eggs so it buys some extra time? I have single friends who did it so they have the option in case for later

Tracker1234 · 31/07/2023 22:21

Dating agency. Men have paid to join too so no messing around with dick pics or saucy language to see whether you are up for it!!

Does anyone ever keep going when someone sends a picture of their Willy?