Turning 39 in a few months. Is it too late for me?

[Lampshadegreen]

Relationship down the pan. I want a husband and a baby. Is it too late?

(please don’t say go it alone - I can’t).

Friends have used Sara Eden who I believe are based in Windsor/London but £££ or what about dinner date type dinners?

Its never too late to meet someone. People get married in their 80s. There are lots of interesting men out there. Children you just don't know and cannot guarantee it, at any age. You have to accept the uncertainty. I met someone at 38 and now have DD but we had years of fertility issues although it was something not age related in the end. You could get your AMH measured it tells you how many eggs you have.

Hi @Lampshadegreen i met my husband at 40 yrs old and had a baby all in the same year. It's not too late hun x

Summer2424 wow how did you meet? Was it planned? How old was your partner? So many Qs!

I don’t think it’s that unlikely the OP will meet someone have kids as someone has said. 2.5 years ago I was single living alone in my own flat in London. I’m now 39 with a fiancé who is 41 and a two month old son. We have both always wanted kids and talked about it when we met. This is despite me having PCOS and endometriosis. Took me 5 months to get pregnant.

Fmlgirl how lovely for you. Did you meet online? I’ve been checked for gynaecological conditions and I’m ok. I’m not worried about being infertile but you never know. And it’s not just me to consider but the guy as well.

Not impossible but I would go for a fertility check. Around £300 usually - scan and bloods. That will give you an idea if maybe could freeze eggs. Having said that eggs don't freeze very well, embryos freeze better.

When you say you can't do it on your own - what is stopping you?

@Lampshadegreen good old Match.com. Went on a lot of dates from other platforms as well but they didn’t work out. My partner wasn’t my usual type I would say, quite reserved and shy at first but I realised that I needed to give him a chance and it’s been lovely.

In real life through a shared hobby. I had known him vaguely for a year, didn't consider him a romantic prospect at all.

I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time. As others have said, nobody can know your personal biology but the odds aren’t great & the worst thing you could do would be to rush into something with the wrong man.

I apologise if this is insensitive, but have you considered adoption as a route to parenthood, either alone or when you meet someone you love? I understand you may want to birth a child but having been adopted myself I would suggest that there’s more than one way to be a parent.

Not too late for a partner, no, definitely not. You can meet someone at any time in life!

For a baby, though? Unlikely at this point. It's technically possible but you're on the last few grains of sand in the timer, considering the time it takes to meet someone, develop a relationship, get serious, start trying, contend with increased chances of complications or loss, and have the baby. It's possible and you'll always get stories from the minority who managed to have healthy babies late in life, but even if you started trying at forty you only have a 5% chance of conceiving in any given month... and would you want to meet someone and start TTC within a few months? It's a big gamble!

I think it would be sensible at this point to try come to terms with not having a child, unless you're willing to go it alone, and instead focus on finding a partner and living life. You could end up with amazing stepkids.

Go for it! You never know until you have tried! You may surprise yourself! Go with an open mind and take chances - if it happens, great, if not, at least you don't have regrets not trying!

Talk about hyperbole.

Op is talking about trying to find a partner and have a child in the next couple of years. At 38, It is possible.

About the triplets at 52, I mean.

I'd go for a fertility check and start taking multi vitamins, particularly minerals and Q10/ubiquinol.

I'd get an cycle/ovulation tracker and start using it to become very familiar with your cycle.

A driven and thorough search for a partner is also necessary, obviously.

In terms of going it "alone" ... There are men who are willing to donate sperm and enter co-parenting relationships; the usual case scenario is gay or partner's family is complete/partner past child bearing age or desire, but is amenable to him donating and having a relationship with his child. Some are willing to contribute financially. There may be other case scenarios. Not every donor wants to donate and walk away.
Pollen tree is a place to have a browse and see what people are saying.

In saying that, with the world being full of weird people, I doubt of I went that route that I'd be agreeing to unsupervised access.

Sorry you're feeling this way. It isn't too late, but it isn't a guarantee either - it isn't for anyone.

If I were in your situation, something I would consider is that I would rather a baby alone, than with a man I may not really want to be with. So, I would start exploring going alone whilst still living my life, and explore dating only if and when it felt right as opposed to forcing it, but that is just me.

even if you started trying at forty you only have a 5% chance of conceiving in any given month...

True but chance per month and odds are two very different things.

Odds are how it plays out over the number of "chances" with a 5% chance per cycle. I had sex around the right time (well I thought it was too early actually) 4 times as a 40 yr old, and ended up pregnant the 4th time.

It just depends on the person. The NHS used to have a factoid on their fertility page which was that 90% of women 39 and under fell pregnant within 2 yrs if TTC.

(Quoting that used to result in being verbally abused and called insane etc on here ... Until you said where it was quoted from).

That doesn't just disappear at 40, plenty of 40and 41 yr olds trying (and not trying) fall pregnant. There's a 40 something on the pregnancy choices board every week stressed & debating termination,caught because she believed she had almost no chance of getting pregnant.
Some women go beyond 41, I know plenty of them.

But on average I find the cliff is often 42.

Which gives op, if her fertility is average - good a chance, if she can meet someone and ttc pretty quickly.

That's lovely to hear that you've been adopted and that you would recommend adoption.

My cousin has a genetic condition that affects his mobility and also fertility. After failed IVF, he and his wife decided to go the adoption route. They were given a newborn baby boy who was then taken off them almost immediately in some kind of farcical fuck up. They were then given a baby girl, very young, and she's been with them (with formal adoption done) ever since. She is a bubbly, humorous, confident character of a little girl and she has such a good life with them. She she's her siblings (3 in two other households, they've all been removed from their parents).

It's night and day with what her life would have been.

I just checked out of curiosity, what health and fertility sites have as the chance/odds over a bit of time for a 40 yr old .... And it's 44% chance in a year.

Contrast that with the 5% per cycle that is most often quoted.

It's often not made clear it's per cycle.

I've had posters on here vociferously it's a 5% chance, full stop.
I've seen posters write that they got pregnant and had a child so they are "are in the 5%".

They're not "in the 5%" of anything, they had a 5% chance each month, which played out over months results in figures like the 44% above, over 12 months.

The understanding on this subject makes me want to bang my head off the nearest wall.

*vociferous argue

I met my partner when I was 38 and he was 30! We started trying to conceive when I was 40 but it didn’t go well, I was told I had a less than 1% chance of a live birth using my own eggs, so although we did two IVFs we ended up moving on to donor eggs, and got pregnant from that, our daughter is five now. I wouldn’t change her, wouldn’t change any of the circumstances that led to this either, and we are all really happy. I met my husband offline but I was doing some online dating at the time but it wasn’t great, most of the men on there were only interested in dating women under 35. Have you had any fertility tests done to find out more about your own personal situation? Every woman is different. Wishing you lots of luck!

Thanks for all your messages, I’ll carefully read through. Some good advice.

I joined bumble last night and I’m already speaking with 5 men, many many more matches, I don’t have time to keep up with it. Mostly men in their 40s. I’m weeding out the ones who say they aren’t looking for something serious.

I’m told I’m very good looking by friends and colleagues and get a lot of attention in real life but usually not from the kind you want to date. So I guess having nice photos helps.

It’s a start with Bumble - but better than Hinge where I was only getting a few likes.

I’ve put in my profile that I’m looking for a serious partner and to start a family in the not distant future if things go well.

and maybe I will look into going it alone. It’s just so scary.

I have more friends who had children in their 40s than 20.
Sit down and do separate swot analysis on children and partner. You definitely need to be proactive, maybe you won’t get both but it’s very doable.
Good luck!

Preach! Wish more women understood this.

Right I’ve been on Bumble for just over 24 hours and I have two calls set up, with two men in their 40s - they want a serious relationship. One def wants kids. The other can take it or leave it. Another has asked me out for a drink. I’ve matched with 20 guys, only a handful message back. I’ve probably been through 300-400 likes. It’s hard work.

Guys are always keen in the beginning. My recent ex said he wanted marriage and kids, and kept progressing the relationship. Yeah he suddenly said he didn’t and that was that.

I’m trying not to have trust issues, but that’s easier said that done.

How do I stop men from wasting my precious time? I’m being really clear about what I want.