Forcing partner to work

[Commonhousewitch]

I've posted a number of times about my partner. I work full time and my partner does n't work- we have one teenage child . My partner takes on little life admin, little housework ( we have a cleaner) and excuses by saying that i am a control freak so there's no point him doing anything as he'd get it wrong. After a holiday where I paid for everything, planned everything, booked everything and executed everything (every day would be "what are we doing next?) - peaking when he lost his bank card and asked me to sort it out. i really need to have things change. Its not so much the money- but he has basically become someone I hate and someone who acts like a retired person. I resent everything about him. I suspect he is depressed but frankly i don't care anymore
Previously he has agreed to get a job and done nothing - or done a little bit or work and kept money for himself. How do I force the issue? If i refuse him access to the joint account- this feels like financial abuse- but i don't have any other way of making him. Get a job or get out .. i think he just wouldn't go and then what do i do

Have you told him that this current way of going is making you miserable and is no longer sustainable and its making you consider leaving?

Cutting him off completely isn't the route you want to go down ideally but I would also say that forcing someone to be the sole financial provider to the point of stress and to their detriment is also financial abuse.

If you want him to leave and he refuses then you phone the police and get them to remove him. Presumably you pay the mortgage/ rent in your name? I'd speak to a solicitor and see what your options are realistically so you can feel more prepared.

Pack his stuff, put it on the porch and change the locks. Why do you need him?

No different to women who choose not to work though and try and dress it up, if it doesn't work for you like anything just leave them

I tell him I'm unhappy and he either agrees to change and/or tells me that he's unhappy - he agrees to lots of things (counselling etc) but never actually does anything.
he would have nowhere to go if i kicked him out. i think he'd refuse to go and try and stay as primary carer etc- so i worry that i'd have to go- end up funding DP and not seeing DS and being in an even worse position
I do need legal advice - i keep nearly doing it but looking for other solutions

You need to plan to leave well in advance. Stop him accessing your money. Start a leaving fund, find a way to stash money that he can’t take when you split. Perhaps something could happen at work, maybe you can’t cope anymore and take a step down. Your income has dropped. Let him know he needs to get a job, but until he does you will have to make do. Cut the internet. Cut his mobile plan to basic. No more cleaner. If he has a car he will need to sell it unless he drives ds around a lot. Do you own your house? How much equity is there? Maybe look at down sizing your place to a flat. Could the equity stretch to two flats. Maybe just sell and rent a flat. Then you can leave and take a portion of the money to get started. You won’t need to stress too much about him taking most of the assets because you have your huge hidden fund.

Start planning in advance. You will be able to find a way out with out being completely financially screwed.

Also wanted to add, get legal advice before you do anything. There are lots of ways around this. If you don’t want to stop his access to money get you pay put in another account and transfer half across to joint account. You live off money in joint account and hide the remainder. Don’t be scared to ask a solicitor. If you preempt the split it makes it easier.

I couldn't respect a do-nothing mooch. He's one step up from a cocklodger.

As others have advised, see a solicitor asap.

I agree with @Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie . If you think you will leave at some point (and every year costs you more of your pension going to him) then start planning it now. Your child is a teen - they can choose where to live. Can you afford to buy him out of the house in, say, a year?

Alternatively, stay til your child leaves home then cut him off financially but don't divorce. It would save you a lot of money but you'd have to put up with him hanging around which could be annoying.

What exactly do you think that would achieve?

They're not teenagers, they HAVE a teenager i.e. old enough to deal with their own issues without running to parents.

Alternatively, stay til your child leaves home then cut him off financially but don't divorce
This has been my plan - its just a question of how long can i be unhappy.
we're not married (i'm not entirely stupid) and i don't put all money in a joint account - but we don't live in the UK and rights are different here.
Ive always just wanted to give it one more chance and seeing a solicitor seems to be preparing for the end.
DS and him are close as well - he is a good dad in that he has always spent fun time with DS and i do all the discipline/homework/nagging

Great that you are not married but what rights does he have?
See a solicitor and start planning

He sounds awful. How is he not embarrassed?
Tell him straight up how you're feeling and tell him to leave. If that doesn't push him then nothing will.

Are you in Australia?

… he has always spent fun time with DS and i do all the discipline/homework/nagging

Leaving the drudgery parts of parenting to you doesn’t sound like a great dad either. You deserve better, and your ds might be better off in the long run with a better role model.

yes australia- hence my concerns

Shit. So essentially you are married. How old is your son?

FFS, he's not a good Dad. He's a terrible Dad. He has all the fun and leaves the other parent of his child to bust a gut at work and at home! At least most SAHMs do the majority of the household work.

Getting legal advice does not mean you have to act on it. It just means you have a more accurate picture of what would happen if you chose one course of action. It is information that will help you come to the best decision for you.

Where are you? Because in Australia it's almost irrelevant whether you're married or not. Except that I think for defacto the time limit to going to court for a financial settlement is more strictly enforced.

You could refuse to financially support him any further unless a cohabitation agreement was signed?

Or you could force a legal separation and see if he takes action against you.

Do you own or rent?

Oh I see you are in Australia.

Yes, you are still liable for things if he chooses to take you to court. Hardly any difference between defacto and being married.

NSW. Rent here. property in UK. Its not clear to me how the de facto rules are applied on foreign citizens/foreign property = or in general. I didn't want to have to test it tbh
What do you mean by time limit?

Would your son prefer to live with you? Because if you separate if your son lives with you, then you might also be required to give him less money.

Child support only lasts until 18 years of age, but it's calculated differently so if you have 50/50 child care you will have to pay him child support. Actually, even if he only has every second weekend you still might be up for some child support.

But if he wants to try to work it out, and you want to as well, I'd still lean towards getting a cohabitation agreement in place so that if it doesn't then work out, he has to abide by the agreement.