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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sudden personality change/ switch

63 replies

Chrysanthis · 30/07/2023 21:18

This might sound strange, but has anyone here ever experienced something like this?
I'm not sure how to describe it 100% and I probably sound crazy but I had an argument with my bf and midway he somehow "switched off" and he went totally blank or empty...if this makes sense.
It caught me off guard and I got confused and scared, but I don't know why because he didn't do or say anything threatening, but he just was just so different and lacked any emotion. He didn't do or say anything bad or mean, so I shouldn't be upset. But he was so weird and I don't know what to make of this. Is this some sort of a breakdown?

OP posts:

Coolquip · 30/07/2023 22:32

A person with trauma can disassociate.

They go elsewhere in their head, so it appears the lights are home but no one is home. It's a defense against abuse.

I'm not saying you are abusive but things like raised voices and subject matter can trigger this response.

Have a chat with boyfriend and ask him if he's ok.

It might not be trauma related, but at least by offering a theory it might get him to explore with his GP as to what might cause it.

Bewildbefree · 30/07/2023 22:34

This also needs more context.
What was the conversation about?

AutumnalPumpkin · 30/07/2023 22:47

I agree with PP, it definitely could be a trauma response of some sort. My partner will disassociate sporadically, during many different conversations even if it is seemingly mundane. Upon closer inspection it seems to be when things are said relating to childhood, early life issues etc.
but yes it would be helpful to know what the argument / conversation was about so we could analyse why it may have happened better.

Original poster

Chrysanthis · 31/07/2023 11:16

OK, yes it sounds like this might have happened then, but I still don't know why. I know that he had a difficult childhood and family situation but he usually plays it down so I don't know how much it affected him.

I kind of started the argument and I probably should have let it go at some stage.

We were out late and driving home and somehow the topic of sex workers came up as we drove past a woman walking around. He made a derogatory comment and I pulled him up on it because it was a shitty thing to say. It only got worse and I was frankly shocked by his attitude and lack of empathy for women (and men) who end up in situations where they have to resort to sex work. It's not like most people chose this life.

It was during this conversation that he suddenly went "blank" and even his eyes looked empty. I probably should have just accepted that we have differing opinions on the matter but I had just been disgusted by his attitude that evening that I pushed it. I found it very unsettling and somehow scary but I'm also feeling bad if I caused this by picking a fight over principles.

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 31/07/2023 11:36

Yes it may be disassociation I have experienced this a lot as a result of domestic abuse. It comes out of nowhere, never really know when it will happen but it's usually around something traumatic, stressful or emotionally stressful. Mine would happen during my wife's screaming bouts of rage for example, it's a defense mechanism.

All I can say at the time of it happening you are aware to a degree but also unable to do anything about it at the same time and you space out, can't speak or even think about responding.

Other times it has got worse than that where I've zoned out but instead of being somewhat aware, I have no idea what is going on, who or where I am and feel floaty like nothing is real.

If it is that, just be patient and calm and wait for him to come back down. Sometimes talking about familiar things help, like what you recently to refocus from whatever it was that set it off

Hope that helps.

Original poster

Chrysanthis · 31/07/2023 12:31

Thank you all. I’ll try to talk to him

OP posts:

itsmyp4rty · 31/07/2023 12:38

I'd run a mile in the other direction OP. You're saying he is completely lacking in any empathy for people who end up as sex workers and by the sounds of it he was saying some pretty awful things, then showed signs of dissociation and has also had an awful childhood.
That combination is immediately making me think possible personality disorder and that he probably has an awful lot of issues. It sounds like he might need professional help and you might be best off ending this here.

Original poster

Chrysanthis · 31/07/2023 13:15

He is getting help but he doesn’t like to talk about it which I respect. But if I pushed him I want to apologise and I won’t do it again.
He’s not great with empathy but he’s not usually mean or cruel or so.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 31/07/2023 13:36

Yes, it can be a trauma response. Dh had a traumatic childhood and if we argue (which is not often thankfully), he literally cannot say anything. He just stares at the ground and goes silent. It could also be a way of just silencing the conversation - the 'silent treatment' so to speak - it totally depends on the person and the context.

supercali77 · 31/07/2023 13:52

Your comment about low empathy struck me as more concerning than the blankness

PrinceHaz · 31/07/2023 13:57

Aside from your concerns for his behaviour following the argument, the derogatory comments about other women are unacceptable. Do you want to be with someone who demeans women?

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 31/07/2023 13:57

I do this due to PTSD. A trigger causes many different reactions for me but the disassociation is probably the scariest for those around me.

It may not be that he is lacking empathy, it may be that that conversation or tone of voice (or a hundred other things) is a trigger for him.

Original poster

Chrysanthis · 31/07/2023 15:21

PrinceHaz · 31/07/2023 13:57

Aside from your concerns for his behaviour following the argument, the derogatory comments about other women are unacceptable. Do you want to be with someone who demeans women?

To be fair his comments weren’t specifically aimed at women but they were pretty horrible either way

OP posts:

Merapi · 31/07/2023 15:25

It could have been a trauma response. Or he could have been stonewalling / blanking you as a way to force you to shut up.

JibbaJab · 31/07/2023 16:51

Merapi · 31/07/2023 15:25

It could have been a trauma response. Or he could have been stonewalling / blanking you as a way to force you to shut up.

Yeah that could be true. You'll know fairly quickly whether it's silent treatment if he does it as a response to other disagreements or frequently when you disagree etc.

Original poster

Chrysanthis · 31/07/2023 17:21

He wasn’t stonewalling me though. He did respond but he was so different and empty.

OP posts:

PoseyFlump · 31/07/2023 17:27

Who was driving?

TellingBone · 31/07/2023 17:29

Speaking from my vast experience of men, I'd say his thought processs went something like:

'...Oh she's off on one again. Wonder if the kebab shop's still open?' <farawaylook>

JibbaJab · 31/07/2023 17:33

Chrysanthis · 31/07/2023 17:21

He wasn’t stonewalling me though. He did respond but he was so different and empty.

What you need to differentiate is between actual dissociation and abuse because obviously there's different types and not just physical. If anything I would have preferred more physical than emotional or psychological because it made me seriously ill and also twisted my mind after years of it.

It's hard to explain dissociation and it may be different with others, I don't know. However, for me when I dissociate I am not fully aware of anything not even what is being said and I can't respond. Similar to floating in water, you hear it but you can't hear it. Also apparently go very white, wide eyed and spaced out looking.

Silent treatment is something I've had a lot of and it varied in the way it was done but early on it was just like I was talking to a wall of a person. Would stare off into the distance, look hollow but would respond to parts they wanted to. Eventually, that silent treatment changed and along with all the above, I was treated like a ghost in my own home. No response, no communication and they would make a point of being really nice to the children while making it obvious they were ignoring me. I wasn't allowed to interact, the children weren't allowed to talk or look at me and she would walk past me like I was a ghost.

So, it may be dissociation but it could also be the start of silent treatment that is often used as a punishment. I would get that punishment for doing nothing at all or for speaking up, bringing up something I didn't agree with or going against their views.

LemonTT · 31/07/2023 17:38

I don’t have trauma or any form of dissociation. But in arguments if I have heard everything the person has to say and don’t think I have anything to add I will switch off. I don’t like arguing and don’t think it resolves anything. Most of the time people aren’t listening just throwing out their opinion.

It could be dissociation but it could also just mean he heard your opinion, didn’t like it or how it was said. There is incompatibility in your communication and values.

JibbaJab · 31/07/2023 18:17

Yeah could be that, just didn't want to hear what was said. Was more of a case of how OP described a personality switch.

Btw OP I'm not suggesting he's abusive, just my observations from my experience of dealing with both.

Original poster

Chrysanthis · 31/07/2023 18:27

Oh I didn’t think he was being abusive. It could be that I annoyed him alright. I had just never seen someone move into such a vacant and removed “state” before. Thank you all for the feedback, sounds like it’s more common than I thought

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 31/07/2023 18:40

You don't know that part of his trauma isn't connected to the subject matter of your conversation or disagreement. It could be why he zoned out after having a different opinion. Not saying it was, but if so, it perhaps could be unwise to revisit the topic and best left to the people he's receiving help from.

Coolquip · 31/07/2023 18:47

If he is being mean about women then I would assume the resentment is against his mother. Either she was abusive or didn't protect him against the abuse

Watchkeys · 31/07/2023 18:47

You seem to have a lot of ideas about how you 'should' feel/act. There aren't any 'shoulds'.

He did something that you didn't like. You're in a relationship, so try to relate to each other about it and see if you can have a conversation that will satisfy you both and conclude the matter. He's allowed to zone out, you're allowed to not like it.

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