Sudden personality change/ switch

[Chrysanthis]

This might sound strange, but has anyone here ever experienced something like this?
I'm not sure how to describe it 100% and I probably sound crazy but I had an argument with my bf and midway he somehow "switched off" and he went totally blank or empty...if this makes sense.
It caught me off guard and I got confused and scared, but I don't know why because he didn't do or say anything threatening, but he just was just so different and lacked any emotion. He didn't do or say anything bad or mean, so I shouldn't be upset. But he was so weird and I don't know what to make of this. Is this some sort of a breakdown?

Yeah it's usually related to trauma i believe, brain blocks out things that are too painful to deal with and experiences or conversations that are similar or about it can trigger it.

If it is that he may not be aware it's happening at all, I only know because I zoned out while seeing a neurologist and now I understand what it is but I had been doing this a long time and didn't even realise. Just felt a bit funny.

But yeah may be worth discussing with him at some point calmly like you've noticed it happening or something, whether he's aware.

Oh I won’t address the topic again and I won’t pry, but I’ll ask him to tell me if I cross a line. And the last topic I will address is his mother who he dislikes with a passion. Thanks!

Hello Sigmund, nice day for it.

Then he should deal with it. It's not OP's job or anybody else's to psychoanalyse this man. It's OP's responsibility to find a partner she's happy with.

Like as in man up, stiff upper lip and all that?

Psychopaths have a vacant stare. And that's exactly what it is, vacancy. They also lack empathy.

Here's the thing though op, a man who makes derogatory comments about women is not a man you should be anywhere near.

And I say this with personal experience. My ex always treated me wonderfully. But he spoke of other women with mysoginy. So I left him. Why? Because I'm a woman. And one day he would realise that am punish me for it. Because that's what men who hate women do.

Seriously op. Get our of there! Like, yesterday.

Ps: you say you 'shouldn't be upset'
But we're you? Did you also feel a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach? Fear rising in your chest? Panic?

Any of those things and you are absolutely dealing with someone dangerous and your body is telling you.

And as pp said, there is no 'should' when it comes to your feelings. You ate entitled to feel whatever way you do, they're your own feelings and it's your own life.

Op don’t get stuck on a diagnosis. Derogatory comments and lacking empathy aren’t characteristics I would accept from a partner even if they had experienced trauma. If you apologise, you will be apologising for having standards, do you want to do that? Are you going to promise to walk on eggshells for fear of triggering him?

Think very carefully about what you do now because if you apologise for this it could a precedent for the future.

He doesn't sound much fun, OP.

Beware taking on a man as a project. It never ends well.

My husband does this. As others have said it's a defence mechanism to disassociate from something the person finds traumatic, such as that experienced during an argument, and it stems from childhood trauma in his case.
It means we can never discuss anything that we might have differing opinions on because he tunes out so quickly if he senses the slightest possibility of a disagreement. And while I understand he is finding it traumatic, I shouldn't have to avoid saying anything that might trigger this response. It's not healthy.
Suffice to say he has serious mental health issues resulting from his childhood that he kept well hidden for many years.

My advice would be to put some distance between you while you decide whether to continue the relationship. This and the comments he made that upset you are red flags.

My goodness. I am not planning on taking on a project. I just tries to understand what happened at that moment because I had never experienced anything like this before. He seemed fine afterwards and we aren’t fighting.

I get that, you're just trying to understand it. Some comments can come across over the top and you may be like wtf that's nuts but some have experienced things that may relate to this sudden personality switch.

Again, I don't know you or him and have little to work from so I can't say for sure but I suffer with dissociation which has come from being in an abusive marriage for over a decade.

The problem is if you don't know about it or understand the signs, it's very easy to fall into it. I was similar to you and felt it was okay because we were fine, we weren't arguing was relatively normal and happy apart from a few minor blips here and there. Those blips weren't massive arguments, nothing obviously wrong just a bit off at times. At those times I excused it, brushed it off and tried to understand and thought must be struggling in some way, had childhood issues which they did too.

I was wrong and it became something else entirely and now looking back all the signs were there from the beginning and I didn't listen to my gut. I have been living a lie basically the person I met and married is not who they are today and in the end they fully switched on me right in front of my eyes into someone else. They showed me who they really were all this time and it was evil, totally void inside, glossy eyed and hate filled.

So yeah, dissociation happens but what others are saying is true in my case also. Strong and offensive views that most people would not say out loud, no empathy, no remorse or guilt, a vacant stare and silent treatment when challenged.

The only thing that strikes odd to me is if he was perfectly fine afterwards, in my case that's not how it is. I come back but I am disorientated for a fair while afterwards and need to recoup. Normal to vacant to normal and carrying on fine, no.

At the end of the day it's your call but honestly if this starts happening more frequently over different things and it is more like an instant switch on and off be wary. As others have said if you feel anxious or have feelings in your gut, trust them.

Again, not fear mongering just advice take it how you want but wish someone had said same to me back along, wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Exactly.

I wish I'd recognised and heeded these signs and feelings when I experienced them in an emotionally abusive relationship. As I'd had a difficult upbringing where my feelings were often disregarded, I thought it was up to me to "manage" the situation and do whatever I could to avoid upsetting or annoying him.

OP, why on earth would you apologise when you've done nothing wrong and ask him to tell you if you "cross a line" in future? It's like asking him to control you.

Oops, sorry for triplicate posts. Phone misbehaving.

No, as in 'adults are responsible for themselves, and should deal with their feelings in a way that's respectful to themselves and others'.

What an odd interpretation of what I said.

You mention that he hates his mother. And also, that he is 'getting help' for something.

You don't say how long you've been together and I'm not saying people can't heal from things whilst in relationships...but sometimes they should really be single until they've worked through their shit.

A lack of empathy, contemptuous comments about people and currently in therapy?
All else asside I'd say he needs to be single.

Because best case scenario he's working through some serious shit. And he's angry. And that's not relationship territory.

Worst case scenario, he might be dangerous.

It worries me that you are already thinking to apologise for calling him on his rotten behaviour. That's how abusive relationships begin. With you trying to change yourself in order to fix them. If he was being nasty and unfeeling about sex workers to you then he certainly deserved being told to wind his neck in. You don't owe him an apology.

Soon you'll be tiptoeing around. Scared to say anything that upsets him. Unable to call him in any bs because he's 'hurting' or 'depressed'.

As pp said,hes a grown adult. His past traumas don't mean he gets to mistreat others. If he can't be in a relationship without doing that, he needs to be single.

but I’ll ask him to tell me if I cross a line. but what line did you cross? You pulled him on on derogatory language he used about other women. And, when you didn't back down, he "disassociated".

Quite honestly, I couldn't care less if he had a genuine trauma response or is using this as a way to control what you say/do and to ensure you never challenge him, it makes it impossible for YOU to live your life. You didn't cross any lines and if there's now going to be all kinds of things you can't do in case it triggers him, then he should not be in a relationship at all but rather seeking help and support to address these issues.

What did he say after? Did he acknowledge that he didn't allow the discussion to continue? Did he acknowledge that his language towards women was okay? Or was it all very quickly and effectively shut off by his "trauma"?

I see a LOT of red flags here. I'd be out of there myself.

You didn't cross any lines and if there's now going to be all kinds of things you can't do

OP crossed his line, which he is perfectly entitled to have. We are all entitled to draw our lines and boundaries wherever we want to. I could tell someone they'd crossed a line because they ate a yoghurt in front of me if I wanted to. They'd probably be a bit baffled, but I'm not obliged to make sense to everyone all the time.

It's up to OP to decide whether she's happy with his boundaries. It's not up to anyone else to decide that his boundaries aren't viable.

Yeah the thing is she doesn't know where the line is, and is being discouraged from starting an open conversation around what happened.

Invisible boundaries are a red flag, they can be constantly moved and the op will never know where she is.

Not disputing any of that, @pamplemoussemousse I was saying that his boundaries are up to him, and you can't say (as PP did) that OP didn't cross any lines, just because she didn't know about or agree with the lines.

It may not be that he is lacking empathy, it may be that that conversation or tone of voice (or a hundred other things) is a trigger for him.

Then he is not a suitable person to be in a relationship. You can't be in a relationship with someone you have to constantly tiptoe around so as not to trigger them. Or stifle your own opinions because they're going to blank out/shut you down. I mean...you can be in a relationship with a person like this but it's not going to be an enjoyable one long term. And as others have pointed out, the lines are blurred as to the reason for the behavior - maybe it's trauma related but it could also just be abuse with past trauma being used as a cover.

Either way though - being stone walled and on the receiving end of other such behaviours isn't something anyone should just put up with. It's great if he's working on it through counseling but if he can't actually make changes towards engaging properly and you constantly have to change your own behaviour/conversation - are you fine with that long term?

Any past trauma aside - derogatory comments and views about women/people - especially if you find them disturbing is a giant red flag that you should not accept.

Ok, I only created the thread because I was super confused about what happened (because I had never seen it before). Yes, it did scare me, and I didn’t like it one bit.

When people shared their experiences with dissociation I felt bad because I wondered if I had pushed him. Be has never ever mentioned trauma/ past trauma or no go topics. I also never noticed him doing this before so I am reluctant to make a decision based on one event.

I think I’ll ask him about it. If I did something or pushed him then I need to know so I can understand it. I don’t want it to happen again and I also don’t want to walk on eggshells, but he has never ever said that he felt triggered by anything, nor did he seem bothered after it happened.

Truth be told I have no idea what happened that evening but at least I have gotten some good ideas and advice, so I want to say thank you.

Good luck.
But when you say it scared you do you mean genuine fear?

If so, please do not discuss it with him. Just get away fast and safe. Your fear response went off to tell you you are in danger.

If you fear sacred because some some suddenly has an empty look in their eyes, fucking run as it might be the last thing you see.

If you just mean scared as in...a bit worried FOR him maybe that's different.

But don't fall into a cycle of trying to understand abusers (not saying he is abusive but that you best keep it in mind that some behaviour us just not ok irregardless of why they claim to do it).

Stay safe!