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Original poster

Would you be pissed off at this?

70 replies

Brightorange23 · 30/07/2023 17:24

Hi, I am just looking get some impartial views about this scenario please and whether this would annoy you? And if so, what would you do about it? I have been with someone for a few months, we said the “I love yous” a couple of weeks ago and we see each other quite a lot. Decided it was time for him to meet my brother and his wife so we arranged a night out the four of us so they could get to know each other. Just as we were about to go out his son nipped round who had no plans for that night so my BF invited him to come out with us. It’s not unusual for him to do that, he seems to feel like he has to hand out invitations to his adult kids to join in with our plans a lot, which is fine under the right circumstances but the purpose of this night was that it would be us 4 getting to know each other and meeting for the first time. I had messaged my brother beforehand to give the heads up his son was coming, he thought it was a bit weird he had invited his son and that it had changed the dynamic of the night but they didn’t let it show, we all met up in a pub and had a few drinks and a chat etc, all was fine. Then moved onto a different pub, ordered drinks but it was playing music my BF and his son wasn’t really into so they said they would go somewhere else and meet us there when we were done. Am I wrong for feeling pissed off at that? This was his first meet with some of my family and I felt like he didn’t care to make a good impression. Could he not have just waited 30 mins for us to drink up and move on somewhere else? It then felt it had turned into a night with him and his son and then me and my brother and his wife. We did go and meet up with them after but I just felt like he had been a bit rude doing that. My brother was a bit shocked he had done that and said it was not a great first impression. But he’s family so wanted to get some impartial views too please.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 30/07/2023 17:29

I don’t see the issue inviting his son along, it was just a night out, it just sounds like he takes things a lot less formally than you do - moving on to another pub was a bit dramatic rather than just having one drink then all moving on but you surely met up again fairly quickly?

solice84 · 30/07/2023 17:36

Yes I'd be pissed off too

Original poster
Brightorange23 · 30/07/2023 17:37

If it was any other night out it wouldn’t have been an issue about his son coming, it was the fact the whole purpose of the night was for him to meet my brother on neutral ground, not to then invite others along. However, his son coming isn’t my main issue, it’s him leaving us and turning the night into what him and his son wanted to do. I’m always with his family, it just felt like I’m always the one making effort but the one time he meets mine he does this.

OP posts:
Mensuckbigtime · 30/07/2023 17:39

Not cool, I would be pissed off too.

It was an important meeting for you, its a big thing meeting your partners family and he leaves with his son.

He's a grown man, right???

He should know better.

I'd be really disappointed and feel a bit embarrassed too.

He sounds like he's got no social antennas...

Mensuckbigtime · 30/07/2023 17:41

And I don't think she should have invited his son... not in this occasion...

As clearly with him leaving to go to another pub with his son, his focus wasn't really on your brother and his wife.

Have you told him how you feel?

HellonHeels · 30/07/2023 17:43

That was really rude of him.
Not so much bringing his son along but bailing on you and your family and telling you to meet up with them at the next pub is not OK. Is he the type that wants everything his own way? Sounds like it.

Dombasle · 30/07/2023 17:47

You invited him to meet your brother and wife. Therefore it's not his business to ask anyone else to join in.

Secondly, on a night out TOGETHER as a group with people you've just met, you don't just bugger off, you suggest drinking up and going elsewhere TOGETHER as a group.

He seems selfish and unaware of others.

Original poster
Brightorange23 · 30/07/2023 17:49

Yes he knows I wasn’t happy about it but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He’s great in a lot of ways but I do see a selfish side to him at times. He sees it as, he wasn’t enjoying that place so he left. Not that he was supposed to be meeting my family for the first time and wanting to make the effort to make me happy. He was doing what he wanted to make himself happy.

OP posts:
sweatervest · 30/07/2023 17:50

i was on the receiving end of something similar and on a regular basis and it used to REALLY fuck me off. (Obviously i was totally oblivious to it until that situation stopped)

it's a long story but really? (said in my best olivia attwood's mother's way of saying "really?" (when she was on celebs go dating)) why did the grown up son have to go?

grown up son. seriously. i'm sure the GUS (i love that!!) probably didn't realise that his dad had changed plans to be with him and Gus is probably nothing to do with this but it's more to do with your bf.

Stratocumulus · 30/07/2023 17:52

You’ll probably soldier on for a bit but I think the writing’s on the wall don’t you OP?

Dump him now before you waste any more time. Not only is he selfish but he’s rude too.

Vallmo47 · 30/07/2023 17:52

Yeah I wouldn’t be impressed Op, your brother is right, it doesn’t give off the best first impression at all.

AMuser · 30/07/2023 17:52

He placed other things before you. Very early in the relationship. I think that’s selfish. And v rude.

Some people always suit themselves. I’d not be in a relationship with one.

Original poster
Brightorange23 · 30/07/2023 17:59

Yeah I thought it was rude. I was watching a film the other day (can’t remember which one it was now) but there was a line in it which said something like “loving someone means wanting to make them happy and not always doing the things that you love to do, it’s sometimes about doing things with the one you love and what they love to do.” I feel like that’s how I am, if he wanted to go see a film I wasn’t that bothered about I would still go, because the one I love wants to see it. But he would probably tell me to go with someone else. So maybe 2 people with more selfish traits will work but we won’t as we have different mindsets. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 30/07/2023 17:59

I’m easy going but it was a bit of a snub to your family and not a great impression. Good on him inviting his son places but he shouldn’t have invited him on this occasion. Your values are too different.

Mensuckbigtime · 30/07/2023 18:01

Brightorange23 · 30/07/2023 17:49

Yes he knows I wasn’t happy about it but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He’s great in a lot of ways but I do see a selfish side to him at times. He sees it as, he wasn’t enjoying that place so he left. Not that he was supposed to be meeting my family for the first time and wanting to make the effort to make me happy. He was doing what he wanted to make himself happy.

How old is your DP?
He sounds like a teenager...

It would be a massive red flag for me. If he cares about you, he cares about the things that matter to you. And the fact that he doesn't even understand why you're hurt... red flag... not a good sign for a grown man and father of an adult son.

It's not like you asked him to meet your brother for a three hour hike during a thunder storm...

I'm.not saying LTB, I'm saying be cautious and don't start questioning yourself.

You have every right to be upset

ThatFraggle · 30/07/2023 18:02

He's not that into you. Enjoys a shag and free domestic labour but not actually interested in putting any effort in.

SunflowerTed · 30/07/2023 18:02

ThatFraggle · 30/07/2023 18:02

He's not that into you. Enjoys a shag and free domestic labour but not actually interested in putting any effort in.

Know him personally do you????????!!!!!!

Mensuckbigtime · 30/07/2023 18:03

Brightorange23 · 30/07/2023 17:59

Yeah I thought it was rude. I was watching a film the other day (can’t remember which one it was now) but there was a line in it which said something like “loving someone means wanting to make them happy and not always doing the things that you love to do, it’s sometimes about doing things with the one you love and what they love to do.” I feel like that’s how I am, if he wanted to go see a film I wasn’t that bothered about I would still go, because the one I love wants to see it. But he would probably tell me to go with someone else. So maybe 2 people with more selfish traits will work but we won’t as we have different mindsets. 🤷‍♀️

It's not even about watching a movies, he doesn't want to watch.

Its about being courteous and respectful to your partner and her family.

Which he wasn't and he doesn't even get it

Restinggoddess · 30/07/2023 18:04

He left because he didn’t like the music-????
Oh dear - yes, I would be pissed off and embarrassed

ThatFraggle · 30/07/2023 18:06

SunflowerTed · 30/07/2023 18:02

Know him personally do you????????!!!!!!

Show quote history

He's shown clearly, through his actions, that something important in a relationship and to op (meeting family of partner) is something he easily blew off. He's not invested.

Why doesn't he just leave then? Because he's benefitting from the relationship. Most common benefits = sex & unpaid labour.

pastypirate · 30/07/2023 18:06

He couldn't see through a plan he had already agreed to. He sounds really flaky

Original poster
Brightorange23 · 30/07/2023 18:07

He’s early 40s. And its not about how much he’s into me, it’s traits I’m seeing, this is just him. It’s little things along the way I have been seeing (and not just with me) but this one really got to me as I felt he was rude to my family. But because he’s so comfortable in what he does, it makes me think, am I too …giving?

OP posts:
Mensuckbigtime · 30/07/2023 18:11

Brightorange23 · 30/07/2023 18:07

He’s early 40s. And its not about how much he’s into me, it’s traits I’m seeing, this is just him. It’s little things along the way I have been seeing (and not just with me) but this one really got to me as I felt he was rude to my family. But because he’s so comfortable in what he does, it makes me think, am I too …giving?

You're probably not too giving...
You understand the principle of reciprocity...

HEs not giving enough!

That's a difference, one is you being at "fault", the other is him being at " fault".

And if that's how he is, then good on him (although I doubt he will be succesful...)

Just a question if it works for YOU?

Lucy377 · 30/07/2023 18:22

The level of importance he places on your relationship does not match the importance that you are placing on it.

Your brother ain't nothing special in his eyes.
Just some lad who was in the pub with you. Nothing to do with me, mate... I'm off to a better pub I prefer...

So that's your issue.
Are you putting too much of yourself into pleasing him?

He's not putting his needs aside for you. So just make sure you don't put your needs aside for him.

Be wary you are not over-facilitating the relationship around him to compensate or allow yourself to be in denial about his lack of effort.

SoonToBeinSpotlight · 30/07/2023 18:25

I feel a bit differently about this.

The point was to meet family.... so him bringing his family is very in line with that....

The music thing just suggests he's relaxed in saying what he does and doesn't like. It depends how he spoke, but if he just cheerfully said that something doesn't suit him and he'd meet you in a bit, I can imagine it would be unexpected but I wouldn't automatically call it rude or selfish. (It would be selfish if you were all enjoying it and he insisted you ALL come away because he didn't like it. But he's just doing what suits him while letting you do what suits you.

It feels to me like your message to him right now is : I wanted you to meet my family but your son Doesn't count as family.... and when you are with my family I expect you to pretend to like stuff you don't.