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Original poster

Would you be pissed off at this?

70 replies

Brightorange23 · 30/07/2023 17:24

Hi, I am just looking get some impartial views about this scenario please and whether this would annoy you? And if so, what would you do about it? I have been with someone for a few months, we said the “I love yous” a couple of weeks ago and we see each other quite a lot. Decided it was time for him to meet my brother and his wife so we arranged a night out the four of us so they could get to know each other. Just as we were about to go out his son nipped round who had no plans for that night so my BF invited him to come out with us. It’s not unusual for him to do that, he seems to feel like he has to hand out invitations to his adult kids to join in with our plans a lot, which is fine under the right circumstances but the purpose of this night was that it would be us 4 getting to know each other and meeting for the first time. I had messaged my brother beforehand to give the heads up his son was coming, he thought it was a bit weird he had invited his son and that it had changed the dynamic of the night but they didn’t let it show, we all met up in a pub and had a few drinks and a chat etc, all was fine. Then moved onto a different pub, ordered drinks but it was playing music my BF and his son wasn’t really into so they said they would go somewhere else and meet us there when we were done. Am I wrong for feeling pissed off at that? This was his first meet with some of my family and I felt like he didn’t care to make a good impression. Could he not have just waited 30 mins for us to drink up and move on somewhere else? It then felt it had turned into a night with him and his son and then me and my brother and his wife. We did go and meet up with them after but I just felt like he had been a bit rude doing that. My brother was a bit shocked he had done that and said it was not a great first impression. But he’s family so wanted to get some impartial views too please.

OP posts:

LunaLula83 · 30/07/2023 20:14

Sounds like you wanted a more formal meet. A resturant may have been better? Sorry

Olika · 30/07/2023 20:39

I don't like his behaviour. It's only a few months in so now is a good time to look into his traits and qualities and behaviour and walk away if you don't like them. It's waste of time to try to make it work with a wrong person. If you already find him rude now, it will just get worse with time and will be the reason you break up along the line.

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/07/2023 20:48

He was rude and thoughtless / selfish. Not a good look. Especially when it's early days and should really be the honeymoon period still. His behaviour would be a huge red flag to me. It's all about what he wants. Throw him back OP.

Mensuckbigtime · 30/07/2023 20:52

I would try and talk to him again and see if he at all understands where you're coming from.
I'd give it a couple of months and see how things develop.

And the you can reassess if he's the man for your future.

He will also have to work hard to win over your brother and his wife, your DP has messed up there- not very clever.

Good luck

PrettyScotland · 30/07/2023 21:10

Wasn't that The Break Up when Jennifer Aniston wanted to go to the ballet? "It's about the person you love, loves the ballet" etc.

I'm pretty laid back but I'd be mortified at this OP. He sounds like a twat.

Walkacrossthesand · 30/07/2023 21:12

@Brightorange23 , you commented up thread, that you have already met (perhaps frequently) your boyfriends family; this occasion was therefore a bit special because he was meeting your family, but he accorded it no special value at all.

It doesn't look like he's the man for you, tbh - he's not at all attuned to your wishes, is he, whereas I suspect you are quite attuned to his. Don't be trampled on.

BackAgainstWall · 30/07/2023 21:18

Under the circumstances, I don’t think he should have invited his son.

To go off and not wait for you for 30 minutes is very off and extremely bad-mannered in my view.

All in all I wouldn’t have been impressed with any of it.

Original poster

Brightorange23 · 30/07/2023 21:19

@PrettyScotland yes that’s the one! She kept dropping hints about the ballet and he never took her as HE didn’t want to go. She went to everything he liked but he didn’t do anything she wanted to do. @Walkacrossthesand you're right. I have met his family quite a bit, we tend to be at his house the most (bigger). I think that’s another reason it annoyed me because we spend a lot of time with just his family, this one time it was just about him meeting mine, yet we couldn’t even have that. I do think it’s an mis match of mindsets and probably won’t work long term unless we can meet somewhere in the middle.

OP posts:

Ianar · 30/07/2023 21:57

If he had any savvy about him, it's obvious this wasn't the time to bring his son along. And the leaving was flagrantly rude.

He has zero emotional intelligence minimum, and/or is a selfish person.

Tryingtobepositive123 · 30/07/2023 22:07

Imagine leaving a special night because you didn't like the music. What a diva. It depends if you are happy for him to do this forever.

I was in a similar situation. I was okay with it for a few years until I wasn't.

Janieforever · 30/07/2023 22:09

I don’t really get the whole “meeting your brother on neutral ground” thing.

I’m fairly relaxed and laid back, so am surprised by your attitude as you’re older, it’s not like introducing your teenage boyfriend to your parents. It’s just a night out with your brother.

It was clearly a very very big deal to you though, meeting your brother, which doesn’t really correlate with not wanting his son there, as if your relationship lasted he’d be part of your family.

so for me, it would be fine, I don’t think he was selfish, more I think he didn’t realise just how big a deal this was for you. And how important your brothers opinion is to you.

Boudiccabitesback · 30/07/2023 22:19

It is not a trait I would look for in a partner or a friend. But I appreciate everyone's different.
Up to you if it suits your relationship requirements.
The fact you are here asking for opinions could be a sign its not.

BurntWindowcleaner · 30/07/2023 22:42

LunaLula83 · 30/07/2023 20:14

Sounds like you wanted a more formal meet. A resturant may have been better? Sorry

Yes, I think this is key.

I was a bit taken aback at the formal dynamic, and how much of a big deal the OP clearly considers it for her boyfriend to be meeting her brother. I’m not suggesting she’s wrong, obviously, but I wondered whether the OP’s boyfriend realised that it was such a big occasion from her pov?

Or, alternatively, given that he invited his son and left the pub without the OP and her brother, he did realise the seriousness of the occasion, and was a bit freaked out by being on display? Maybe too long for a first encounter if it was several rounds of drinks in more than one pub?

It’s just that the OP, despite being newly in love, seems far more concerned by the impression her boyfriend was making on her brother than the impression her brother was making on her boyfriend — she mentions messaging her brother to warn him her boyfriend was bringing his son, and his negative opinion of that, and then again mentions that her brother commented negatively on her boyfriend leaving the second pub. It just sounds as if the brother has no issue with expressing negativity towards his sister’s new serious boyfriend, whereas usually you are doing your best to be as positive as possible about a sibling’s new significant other?

ThatFraggle · 30/07/2023 23:27

This is the honeymoon stage. The most loved-up he will be. Are you ok living like this, op?

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/07/2023 23:38

I think your situation is a relationship tester. I dated a couple of men who always made other plans when it was a couples thing with my friends. Either didn’t go or made plans and left after a couple of hours. I thought it was just what happened in relationships. When I met my now husband and he didn’t do that I was in shock. I loved being a partner and really feeling like a couple.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/07/2023 23:48

Yeah that's pretty thoughtless. He wouldn't be for me. Seems like he likes things his way and can't be bothered to make an effort for something
thats important for you. I imagine if you thought about it, you do most things his way.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/07/2023 23:53

Oh and the boyfriend should be the one trying to impress. That's what you do when you are newly in love. Unless you know you don't need to impress anyone cos you've cottoned on ready that the new girlfriend will tolerate any shitty behaviour. It's totally normal to want to impress your new partners family, i have no idea why people are pretending it isn't and excusing his odd behaviour.

Janieforever · 31/07/2023 07:08

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/07/2023 23:53

But it’s not shitty behaviour. It was a night out at the pub with his girlfriends brother and partner. He invited his son which was kind and for many wouldn’t be a big deal . So they left for 30 mins and all met up elsewhere. So what? It wasn’t some posh restaurant or show. It was a pub crawl

I think the issue is the op thinks meeting her brother was some major deal and the brother is clearly very judgemental and not afraid to express that, and the op is swayed by his comments.

Changingplace · 31/07/2023 20:18

Janieforever · 31/07/2023 07:08

I think the issue is the op thinks meeting her brother was some major deal and the brother is clearly very judgemental and not afraid to express that, and the op is swayed by his comments.

Show quote history

I agree, I think the OP and her brother were for some reason treating this incredibly formally, whereas her BF saw it as an informal night in the pub.

I don’t see the big deal in what he did, he was meeting her brother for a pint, not following the etiquette for a formal visit to Buckingham palace 😆

Changingplace · 31/07/2023 20:25

Tryingtobepositive123 · 30/07/2023 22:07

Imagine leaving a special night because you didn't like the music. What a diva. It depends if you are happy for him to do this forever.

I was in a similar situation. I was okay with it for a few years until I wasn't.

I think he just saw it as a night down the pub not a formal/special night - if the OP wanted it to be more of an occasion a meal out would’ve been more appropriate.

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