Would you be pissed off at this?

[Brightorange23]

Hi, I am just looking get some impartial views about this scenario please and whether this would annoy you? And if so, what would you do about it? I have been with someone for a few months, we said the “I love yous” a couple of weeks ago and we see each other quite a lot. Decided it was time for him to meet my brother and his wife so we arranged a night out the four of us so they could get to know each other. Just as we were about to go out his son nipped round who had no plans for that night so my BF invited him to come out with us. It’s not unusual for him to do that, he seems to feel like he has to hand out invitations to his adult kids to join in with our plans a lot, which is fine under the right circumstances but the purpose of this night was that it would be us 4 getting to know each other and meeting for the first time. I had messaged my brother beforehand to give the heads up his son was coming, he thought it was a bit weird he had invited his son and that it had changed the dynamic of the night but they didn’t let it show, we all met up in a pub and had a few drinks and a chat etc, all was fine. Then moved onto a different pub, ordered drinks but it was playing music my BF and his son wasn’t really into so they said they would go somewhere else and meet us there when we were done. Am I wrong for feeling pissed off at that? This was his first meet with some of my family and I felt like he didn’t care to make a good impression. Could he not have just waited 30 mins for us to drink up and move on somewhere else? It then felt it had turned into a night with him and his son and then me and my brother and his wife. We did go and meet up with them after but I just felt like he had been a bit rude doing that. My brother was a bit shocked he had done that and said it was not a great first impression. But he’s family so wanted to get some impartial views too please.

He sounds thoughtless and rude and I'd have been well embarrassed at his behaviour. Seems like he was prioritising his son and his own preferences - you and your family came second (even though meeting them was the point of the evening).

I'd be looking closely at other aspects of his behaviour...

I think that's a bit harsh on OP.
I think it's fair enough to introduce your partner to your brother and his wife first before the son is invited too.

To then infer that OP doesn't consider her partners son as family is very unfair.

And with regards to DP being "honest"... Well there's also this thing called compromise and putting your own needs (his "need" for "good" music... a bit silly) behind that of others sometimes... that's how society works

@SoonToBeinSpotlight you two would get on great! As I said before, someone more selfish would probably work better with him. The comment about me not considering his son family - 🙄

He left a dinner meeting your brother for the first time because he didn’t like some music?!
NEXT. Sounds like he’s about 15.

@Mensuckbigtime thank you. I think this thread has just confirmed what I thought, in that some people wouldn’t consider it an issue as they themselves would do the same thing. Therefore, those types of people would work in relationships together as they would put themselves first. However other people would have found it a bit rude and selfish, because we don’t have that in us to be like that. I guess maybe this won’t work and I need to find someone more like minded.

Bringing his son along is a big no-no for an introduction night out.
Personally, I dislike pubs that play loud music, as it makes it difficult to have a conversation. Also, in my experience, the music played is often of poor quality. Therefore, I agree with the person's viewpoint.
So a 50/50 split opinion

It's really rude and disrespectful. How embarrassing. He doesn't value you at all. It's just not how adults act is it?? Is he generally a bit rough round the edges?? Not sure how to phrase it! You're definitely not a priority. I think can do better than this one.

Yes. I’d have been annoyed and embarrassed.
They both showed zero respect and they’re both old enough to know better.

He’s rude and a thoughtless , if you are out with people then you stay where they are not just move onto somewhere else .

Look, you asked for reflections on how others would see this. Almost everyone agrees with you, so you should be happy, but rather than be curious about people who have another opinion, you're dismissive and declaring they are selfish? You know nothing about me!

I'm not trying to be nasty. I genuinely think it's strange that when you want him to make this effort because he's meeting family, you think it's bad of him to involve his own family. To me, you are saying my family is important, but your family doesn't belong. It would feel totally different if you were going out with another adult couple who were not family... then it would be weird for his son to be there- but this was explicitly a 'meet family' event, at which you don't want his son.

That's fine if you or he don't see it that way, but you came on here asking for different interpretations of what happened, and whether you should be annoyed at him including his son, and that's mine. I didn't even criticise you or judge you for it- I just said it would seem to send that message to me.... I would have interpreted him including his son not as rude, but a nice indication that he wanted both families to get to know each other.

Yes that would have really pissed me off too.

@Sameold23 I think it’s just lack of consideration sometimes. Even on a night out with the girls, sometimes you go places that one person is not that into, but if someone’s ever said “I am not really feeling it” we would stay and finish our drinks and then move on a group.

Yeah that's incredibly rude. As you say it sounds as if he wasn't enjoying the vibe of the place so rather than stick it out for half an hour he just decided to leave. Very off behaviour for a first meeting.

The son coming wasn't ideal but I think I could have let that go. Leaving the bar and basically turning it into two separate nights out was very poor form. Hopefully he can make a better impression next time. Have you said anything to him about it?

> Hopefully he can make a better impression next time

Yes.

With his next partner.

OP is not a doll's hospital, carefully refurbishing defective men.

Get rid and find a normal one.

An adult can listen to music that's not their favourite, for the sake of meeting family.

If the son hadn't turned up and gone with you, how do you think he would have acted about the music pub? Would he have sucked it up rather than go elsewhere on how own?

I would not have been impressed if my bf behaved in this manner when being introduced to close family. He wasn't considering you at all.

@SoonToBeinSpotlight It was not family meeting family of both sides. It was him meeting my brother for the first meet so that him and my brother could get to know each other, just the same as I have met people his side just us and them. That was the arranged night out. It wasn’t a free for all each side. But as mentioned above his son coming wasn’t the main issue and him being selfish and rude was because he just left. I find it strange you think one side of family can’t do something without the other side being involved. Thank you for your input though.

@SmirnoffIceIsNice I think he probably would have just sucked it up yes.

His son could have been more sensitive and passed on his father’s invitation to join in.
Your boyfriend prioritised himself by moving on somewhere where he preferred the music. He didn’t consider the sleight to you or your brother, and won’t accept it now. The idea of making a good impression hasn’t entered his head.
Quite literally, he took the lead while you and your family followed.
It’s all on his terms, isn’t it?
Like you, I’d have been pissed off. In fact, I would have considered not moving on to meet him later.

I think he is making it very obvious to you his sons wants will always come first and whatever his son wants trumps any wants you have. He's not wrong to prioritise his son over a newish relationship on a serious issue but really his son did not like music in the pub I'd have said ok son you can leave if you like then.

He acted in a disrespectful way towards you & your family. I would guess he's not as into you as you are into him

It was inappropriate to invite his son that totally changed the dynamics and he definitely shouldn't have left the pub , very rude . I would be annoyed too . My friend went out with someone who behaved like this , she's that laid back she put up with him suiting himself way longer than she should have done , even when they had concert tickets and he booked a hotel ( this rarely happened) and he then invited his brother not only to the concert but to share their hotel room too !

I remember that from a film I watched too. It stuck with me. Just don't remember name of film.

@mycatsanutter Yeah I could imagine my BF doing something like that re the hotel. It’s that awareness of others some people don’t seem to have. Another night has just crossed my mind where another couple were coming round for drinks and the girl is really shy and struggles around people they don’t know, and he invited others without telling them (or me!) I could tell the shy person was really uncomfortable and I really felt for them. He saw it as “throwing them in the deep end”. I saw it as “awkward for them!” I think he means well but I just wouldn’t do that to someone knowing full well they were expecting just us 4 and would be out of their comfort zone. Even just a heads up would have been nice for her.

@DGay I think it might have been the break up with Vince Vaughn? His mate is giving him a pep talk towards the end saying sometimes it’s about doing things your partner loves to do and making them happy.

Yes I think you're right.