Is he lying? Tw dv

[Thedancingflower]

I've been dating a friend from uni who I lost contact with and met again during the last year. He told me he had left an abusive relationship as his girlfriend used to hit him, bully him and she stole from him. He said he was arrested for harassment as he tried to get his stolen items back, namely a huge sum of money and she accused him of abuse.

My worry is something doesn't add up. Over the last year he has revealed small bits that to me make me believe he is lying and he is the abuser. The things are:

He said they were constantly off/ on again.
He said she banned him from talking to me and another girl however since dating I've noticed he does talk about all his female friends excessively and tells me he fancies them. I think he did the same with this girl and she must have felt uncomfortable.
He said she had mental health issue (all his exes do).
He mentioned when she hit him he had to restrain her once and he has evidence of her hitting him as he had bruises all down his back.
When they split he sent her things such as food she liked and this huge sum of money was sent after the split. To me it feels like he was trying to maintain contact.
He told me part of the arrest was she had a ring doorbell which had broken and he picked it up and put in his pocket. My gut is she bought this post split for safety reasons and when he realised it was there he tried to break it and steal to conceal evidence.
He doesn't seem upset over arrest and like its almost an achievement to tick off.
Accused her brother of constantly interfering and ruinig relationship but I think he was trying to protect her?
He also said they never officially split and he was just ghosted. More consistent with someone fleeing isn't it?
His arrest was over a year ago and still no conclusion.
He got jealous when she had a photo with a male friend (he told me this).
When we reconnected platonically to start with he said never say never about them dating again (way before I dated him).
She tried to get out of a moving car more than once.

I've seen small bits of behaviour with me that worry me. He is very clingy, ignores me if I don't do what he likes, makes back handed compliments about my looks and constantly accused me of cheating. He talks constantly about other women sexually but ets jealous if I mention a man platonically and accuses me of flirting.

You need to get out of this, it isn’t safe.

There are enough red flags in how he treats you that mean you should get out. Whether he was the abuser in his previous relationship (and I suspect you are right he was) is moot because he is awful in yiurs
end it and move on

I’d say to ditch him too. It sounds dreadful 🚩

A) have you done Claire's law and B) why are you still with him?

I would also advise you to get out before he gets his abusive claws into you.

Always, always, always trust your instincts. I cannot stress that enough. Always.

So many red flags here. Please walk away from this.

Your worrying small behaviours are enough to believe you should run very far and very fast, even if everything he said about his previous relationship was true (and you have good reasons to be doubtful). The sooner you end this the better, before he gets it into his head that he owns you and starts stealing your doorbell and sending you money he then "has to" get back (wtf was going on there?). Why does this guy manage to date so many crazy woman anyway? And if he likes crazy women why is he with you? You're right, it doesn't add up.

He's lying.

Let him know by text that it’s over, get a ring doorbell and then go away for a week and see what happens. If all his ex’s are insane, did they start out as sane but were forced into extreme measures in self defence? I suspect that them blocking him, getting male family members involved and calling the police is interpreted by him as insane because it stops him controlling them which seems to him perfectly sane.

Like PP on his behaviour towards you that's enough to call it a day and his story telling yes he's full of crap and she definitely had to get away from him by the end.

He’s the abusive one it would seem.

Run.

Fuck this get out

If you have doubts you could also try and do a Clare's law request

End this shitshow before he starts abusing you too.

I will be going aswell. He also holds some really misogynistic views too (says things were better when men worked and women stayed home as that was the contract and as a man he feels he's lost his place in society), that women who wear zhort clothes need to accept some responsibility for what happens and he's glad I don't do that and also follows one model on Instagram for photos who he admitted he heard about as she said due to financial circumstances she has to dobit for extra money

bloody hell - don't walk, run. So women who wear short clothes are not victims yet he thinks it is fine for him to objectify women. This many has a whole village fete of red flags.

He's told me they've thrown out the charges against him now and he was telling the truth and I'm horrible for accusing hin of this?

@Thedancingflower - sounds like he is the abuser. At the very least, he sounds pretty toxic. Don’t discuss this with him. Don’t accuse him of anything. Abusers don’t generally accept that they may be at fault. He’s not a safe person for women to be around and if you start accusing him of abuse he will argue against you. Just tell him you’re not feeling it and end it. Do you have some male friends/relatives you can call on if need be?

Yes it's over and I talked to him before coming back on here and he is arguing against me saying he's never done any of those things I listed he did to me. Yet when I've said repeatedly he can just chuck away my things he keeps insisting on dropping them off directly at mine when I'm at work even though I said I don't want him there. He doesn't believe he should pay postage.

Don’t bother analysing him -just leave.

Stick to you guns he sounds awfu

How much stuff of yours is there at his place? If we’re talking a toothbrush, half a bottle of conditioner and a spare pair of pants just make sure you’ve told him in writing that he can chuck them. If we’re talking a carload of stuff it might resolve the issue quickest to have someone pick them up for you. Preferably a male relative, without you present. Do not go alone whatever you do.
There’re no point arguing with him about whether he abused his ex. Grey rock, you don’t want to be with him anymore end of conversation. As soon as you can (after collecting your stuff or definitely confirming you expect him to bin your toothbrush), you send one clear message in writing (text or email) saying the relationship is over, and you do not want to continue talking to him, and that you want him to stop contacting you. This helps if he continues - it can be established more quickly that his behavior is stalking/harassment.
Don’t hesitate to speak to the police for advice if he doesn’t stop communicating with you at that point.
I’d be staying with a friend when I sent the ´It’s over, stop talking to me’ in case he turned up on my doorstep.
Hopefully he’ll just add you to the list of ´insane exes and more on to someone else.

I dumped via text because his story about is ex doesn't add up. I've only got his word for it they've dismissed the charges and I'm annoyed he's now saying I'm lying even though I've got texts from him doing it.

Yes told him in writing he can chuck as it won't cost much to replace. He said he can return so I said Royal mail and he says he won't be paying as he can post when I'm out. He isn't insisting on meeting me so I don't get why he doesn't just post? It costs thr same. But I've reiterated to chuck.

Goodness OP, the more you write the worse it gets. You deserve so much better than this. Listen to your gut. Don't walk, run 🚩🚩🚩

Oops, sorry, that'll teach me to RTFT! Good on you, OP. Sorry he didn't turn out to be what you hoped