Starting again on your own in your early thirties - does it get better than this?

[123easyasabc]

Hello, first time poster so please be gentle! Although I have been a long time lurker.

I know this has been to death but I'm having a bit of a low day and wondered if anyone could give me some words of wisdom.

I had a long term relationship (7 years) which ended a couple of years ago and then I met a man who I was seeing for a year which just ended several weeks ago. It was totally out of the blue for me and I'm quite surprised at just how devastated I am. Well maybe devastated is a bit overdramatic, but I have been really, really upset. Only a few weeks ago we were making lifelong plans.

I'm in my early thirties, now single, no kids and wondering is this it for my life? I know it sounds so silly and people will say I am young (perhaps not for having children - I know my chances are diminishing by the year) but I just feel like everyone has it together in happy relationships and I'm on my own again with another failed relationship behind me.

I have a good professional job, I own my own house, I have my own car, I have some lovely friends (not many, but ones I really value). I recently went somewhere where there were lots of old friends, and friends of friends, and without sounding big headed, a lot of people kept saying to me they couldn't believe that me out of everyone was single (I honestly don't mean to sound bigheaded!). I get told usually by other women that I'm attractive, and I don't think I'm too bad, so I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I keep thinking of the phrase you can be the juiciest peach and some people just don't like peaches.

I would love to have the fairytale where I meet my Prince Charming and we have a family. I know that's everyones dream but at the moment I am feeling pretty flat. I'm trying to do everything right like the youtube videos and blogs say, I'm trying to eat well, exercise, sleep, see friends, keep busy. I'm doing it all and I still feel rubbish. I took myself on a shopping date today and bought a few nice things, had a nice lunch on my own and it felt like everybody around me was having a lovely day out with their partners or families. I see women with newborns and it makes me worried I will never get to experience that. I think I am generally a little sensitive at the moment as I have a close family member with very poor ill health who I am very involved with.

I know this is incredibly first world problems, but just wondered if anyone else felt the same or has any words of wisdom for this ridiculous, early thirties singleton, who has now got wet eyes typing all of that out! Gosh I feel silly. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

I’ve know this happen to multiple people. Start living your life :)

Sounds like you feel its all over because you invested everything in your previous relationship. Believe me this doesn't mean it's all over, just that relationship. You are still really young and it seems like you've made a success of life, good for you! Don't devalue yourself in meaningless stuff with partners. Get some therapy and give yourself time to dry your eyes and see that you are important, you deserve the best. It's all ahead of you 💐

Tbf it's not really starting over is it?

You've been home, a job, friends...
All thats changed is you're single.
Which you have been before and will be again, many times over.

People fixate too much on having kids or marriage or 'forevers'. That's the only thing that'll make your life miserable. Fixating on things that 'could' be.

Just live your life in the here and now and have fun with it.

You're what...maybe a third of the through your life. You'll hopefully still have health for a good portion of that. You're financially solvent. Seriously - you're living the dream. You probably just can't see it yet as things are still a bit raw.

You're going to be fine! Great infact.

Allow yourself some time to feel hurt. It's OK to be sad when things don't work out.

But then, look to new dreams.

Hi

My partner ended it four weeks ago, I am 44 now it was my birthday yesterday and I am also struggling with the same feelings as you, I feel I will be alone forever and am so so upset, to be honest I don't have any advice to give yet, just that I am in the same position x

@Blahblahgingerbreadlady aw I hope it worked out well for your friends!

@PTSDBarbiegirl I think there is some truth in that actually. I try not to be 'all in' and still see friends etc but we did used to message constantly when we weren't together. I think it almost became just habit and now we're not I feel a little lost. I guess it's time to 'find me' as they say.

@Pinkbonbon thank you, that's lovely of you to say. And a good way to look at it. I know the relationship is just a small part of my life which didn't work out, but at the moment I feel like a complete failure. I know for next time not to over-invest in a relationship. It just feels that every break up takes something else out of you, if that makes sense?

@Cj777 I'm so sorry to hear you're going through the same. It's awful isn't it. It really is true when they say heartbreak is akin to a physical pain. Happy birthday for yesterday - I hope you managed to do something nice for yourself, even if you're not feeling like yourself. I guess we both just have to ride out this feeling, until we feel back to ourselves again. We were fine before them, we'll be fine after them! (Or that's what I keep telling myself, hopefully I'll start to believe it soon). xx

Heart break is just the worst feeling ever, I never thought I would find it this hard to deal with, yes people keep saying time will heal and it will get better, hard to see at the minute isn't it.
I guess we will have to just try our best to get on with things
My birthday was ok I just didn't feel like doing much x

My ex suffered a brain injury and I had to move home after we separated with my 4 year old daughter in 2019 aged 30. I then lost my house and the COVID struck. It was a shit year but I'm now in a relationship with a 5 month old baby, you will be fine. My advice is keep putting yourself out there, go out as much as you can and don't rely on dating apps. Give it time x

You're young enough to meet someone and have a family. Once you're over your recent break up I'd be pro active though in trying to find someone else. I have two friends who had similar happen but their motto was 'if it happens it happens'. Their social circle was small and there opportunities to meet people in work were limited. They refused to do online dating and time has just passed them by. I'd live your life, join clubs you enjoy and try and increase your chances to meet someone. Good luck x

OP, it happens! It happened to me. I'm living my happy ever after now. Don't give up hope xx

In short, yes, you will probably get what you want :)
Lot's of people settle down with someone in their 20s cos it's 'the right time' etc without even giving it too much thought. Talking to my friends who have had break-ups in early 30s, many of those relationships just weren't meant to last and did not meet our needs/ we tried to be what society expected of us. Would you rather be playing house with your ex? I suspect not.
It can be a bit frustrating in your 30s if friends don't have time cos they are busy with their babies, and family put pressure on you.
However, when you do date someone, date someone who you are really into, and not who everyone else else expects you to be/date. You seem to be a little overwhelmed by society's rules and expectations.
You seem to have funds and freedom, so do all the silly things you want to do, don't fret about pleasing anyone.
And a secret nobody tells you... Sex is much better in your 30s, and I have heard that even better later :)
Everyone has different peferences but I prefer to be in a relationship, not single. It's normal to want the things you want. But don't lose sleep looking for it, just take one day at a time, chase your dreams, and you'll get it.
For me, I started over in mid 30s, and pretty much have my dream life now - but it's not at all what I imagined in my 20s. And my perfect guy, but not the sort I was chasing after in my 20s. Live your life for you and don't obsess over what's expected, and it'll all work out.

Aw thank you so much everyone, I have woken up today feeling a bit more positive and that's all thanks to you guys. I didn't think a bunch of strangers could make me feel better.

Heartbreak always feels like the end of the world and I know it's not, I've been through it before and I'll go through it again, but it's just hard isn't it at the time. I suppose there's nothing I can do other than what I am doing, and just go through the motions and hope to come out of the other side sooner rather than later. I always find mornings and evenings the hardest so I am hoping that this soon eases.

Thanks again, I really do appreciate the advice and hope if anyone else is in a similar position they hope to feel better soon.

I got married in my mid 30’s. Much older now and I did some online dating. It wasn’t the mess it is now (can I say this?). In the end I met someone using a dinner date club. They divide the dinners into ages so you don’t get sat next to. 70 year old as much as the 70 year old man wants to meet a younger woman and also it’s a numbers game. I liked the fact you met someone who had paid for the dinner rather than using a free online site where you get all sorts. If you liked someone the day after the organiser would call you and approach the man for their number and if both agreed you were off!

Also speed dating might be a quick way of meeting lots of people. It really did seem as the whole world is married, about to get married or up to their necks in babies at 30 plus but there are some good people out there.

Haven't read all the replies.

But this was me 3 years ago. Except I do have 3 children. Failed 14 year marriage. Few short relationships in the following 6/7 years.

I got to a point where I deleted all dating apps and decided I was content on my own.

Three weeks later I met my now DP. We are getting married next year when I'll be 42.

Life is what you make it I think 😊

@User593039 thank you for your comments. You make interesting points.

I would disagree that all men don't care about a woman having a good job or own their own house etc though. To me that shows that someone has their s* together. Not that anyone who doesn't have that doesn't have it together, but I do think some men value it in a woman.

Re attractive - like I said, I don't want to be bigheaded, but I am conventionally attractive, and I do get told a lot by both men and women, I just didnt want this post to become about looks because to me they don't matter. I have had men try to date me, and who as soon as they get wind I'm single suddenly come out of the woodwork, but a lot of it is purely about looks and aren't bothered about getting to know the person. Whether I'm not attractive or attractive however, I do believe there is somebody for everybody and it's not about looks.

I don't think most men in their thirties are looking for a woman in McDononalds in her 20s. A lot are, I've heard of friends on dating sites who seem to get that impression that some men are like that, but I am hopeful there are some decent men out there who wish to find a partner and have a family.

I'm not even going to comment on body count, because that is just ridiculous.

Re my standards in men - yes I would prefer tall, as I am tall myself. But it doesn't matter how much he earns, like I said before, I'm independent and don't need finances from a man, or care how much he earns. I have dated a man who had a child, so they don't need to be childless.

I wouldn't care whether a partner had a degree or not, as long as they were enjoying what they do. For me it's very much about finding someone who can be my best friend, whose morals align with mine, and who can make me belly laugh.

Thank you again for your interesting insight, which I will politely take with a pinch of salt.

Read Nick Viall's book 'don't text your ex happy birthday' and give his podcast a listen (viall files). Honestly it's packed full of great advice and you'll feel back on top in no time.

As you can see from Mr Lol above, sometimes life is better single.

Set yourself a date by which you will investigate sperm donors, and until then just enjoy your single life.

TBH it didn't get better for me, no. Looking back, I think the panic and anxiety itself caused that to happen. I stayed in bad relationships too long. I look back at photos of myself from then and just despair that I was so worried...I was really attractive, fit and basically a great catch! I think if I'd just relaxed and trusted that I'd meet someone and got on with my life and did things that genuinely made me happy, I'd have had more success. I'm 38 now and given up on having kids etc.

That said, meeting someone isn't the be-all and end-all. Relationships end all the time, and you can't guarantee anything. Look at that poor woman whose husband Ariana Grande got with. She seemed to have it all, partner of ten years, baby, and then he upped and left her for a pop star. Sadly, I think a lot of men are extremely disappointing and I'm at the point where I just don't really trust them anymore, knowing what I know, and don't see myself ever fully committing to a relationship now.

Being honest with you, I think I'm now truly at a point where I'm genuinely happy alone and not actually arsed if I meet someone. I've got my own little flat, I spend loads of time decorating and making it cosy, I go on lovely holidays on my own, I've leaned into long-time hobbies and interests and met people through those. A lot of the women I know with husbands and kids actually seem really jealous of me. I get a lot of barbed comments about my travel and my lifestyle, and it makes me wonder if actually I'm the one living the dream, not them?

Nobody cares.

I don't understand why men think women care what they think of them. If I met a man who used the word 'body count', let alone asked me what mine was, I'd consider him misogynistic, shallow, and downright thick, tbh. Dating apps are full of this type of men - full of demands about women needing to be chaste, thin and beautiful, as if the type of woman they want would ever look twice at Dave, 42 from Coventry with his double chin and beer belly, whose interests are going out and having a cosy night in.

There's a reason a lot of educated women are now choosing to stay single.

@User593039 I think somebody who repeatedly states they are tall, athletic, earning a higher wage/4 bedroom house who appears to enjoy trying to put women down screams that they have some sort of issues, and that is probably why you're not with somebody your own age. Because women your age probably see the red flags from a mile off, which is why you go for younger women with probably less experience with men.

Anyway - thank you all for the insightful comments, there are some really good anecdotes and advice here which I will take on board!

@User593039 do you just "date" thewe women then discard them or do you plan a future with them? There's a big difference.

If women want a mindless shag let's be blunt women can get that anywhere as there's so many men who are down for that. So when you say you date younger, it's more likely that it was easier for the woman to 'pull' you rather than you to 'pull' her iyswim.

But for long term relationships most women dont want the things you've said. Just a guy who isnt a bum and willing to be equal to his partner (I.e. pull his weight) and is modestly attractive and courteous would do for the majority of women. He doesn't have to be on a high salary. Certainly the men I've had LTRs with have only had average salaries similar to my own. Some of us just aren't that shallow.